Fitness Jokes

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

Chuck Norris can do push-ups in a sit-up position.

The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.

When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn't sweat.
The weights do.

Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights,they get a workout from him.

Doctor: "Yes, what is it I can do for you?"
Blond: "Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?"
Doctor: "The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is."

The movie Unstoppable is based on Chuck Norris' morning jog.

When Chuck Norris goes to the gym the treadmill sweats.

What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

Chuck Norris only works out once a year... that's about all the gym equipment can take.

Chuck Norris leaves potholes when he jogs.

When Chuck Norris first saw Dragon Ball Z he thought it was a series of easy workout videos.

Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life.
When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.

Q: What do you say to a bodybuilding cow farmer?
A: Show us your calves!

Q: Why did the bodybuilder buy tape from the hardware store?
A: Somebody told him he was ripped!

Q: Why wasn't the bodybuilder evicted?
A: Because he was squatting.

Q: What exercise do Hairdressers do in the gym?
A: Curls.

Q: Why did the bodybuilder cross the road?
A: He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.

At the gym:
Me: "What does this machine do?"
"Sir, that's a bench."
Me: "Perfect."

This elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up.

Do you squat here often?

Do you believe in love at first set?
Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?

How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?

I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.

If you really want to loosen your pectineus, you should skip the squats and let me stretch them out.

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.

There were two guys at a gym Dan and Mike who hit the showers after a hard morning workout.
Dan said to Mike "Hey! Have you heard? That there is a gay guy at our gym today."
The Mike looking really curious and replies "Oh? Who do you think he is?"
Dan looks at Mike from mid-section to eye level and, says "Let me give you a kiss first before I tell you who."

I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me,
"Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it."
I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
I called several hotels, with no luck.
Finally, I thought I had found one.
I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

My local gym have an offer on at the moment. Pay for a one-to-one with a fitness instructor and get a free protein drink.

Well I'm not falling for that one again.

How do you tell if someone is riding a bicycle for fitness or because they have a DUI?

The cigarette.

I'm all about fitness

fit'ness whole burger into my mouth

I'm in hiding from exercise.

It's called the fitness protection program.

Whose excercises will ensure that you will never win a fitness award?

Leonardo Di Cardio

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app this morning...

...and it sent an ambulance to my house

I'm working on a fitness routine for insects.

It's going well, but I'm still trying to work out the bugs.

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...

They hired me as the "before" picture.

"I'm all about fitness...", said the very large man to a stranger.

Baffled, the stranger asked what he meant.
"...Fitness sandwich in my mouth."

Best exercise to lose a few pounds...

So my friend who is a fitness instructor just came up with a new exercise to lose pounds in just a matter of days. He calls it the "Brexit".

What's the newest fitness craze sweeping American police forces?

Lead injections.

Red neck word of the day "fitness"

I don't think there's any way we're "fitness" in the back a da truck

Obama challenges W to the Presidential Fitness Challenge

Obama was able to do nine hundred and ten pushups.
Bush did 911

China apologizes for "slanderous" comments about Kim Jong Un.

Says they didn't realize he was a part of their fitness protection program.

My doctor recommended I quit my fitness routine.

Fitness whole pizza in my mouth.

What was Jared from Subway's fitness goal?

Getting in to smaller pants

I gave up on fitness and angrily buried my juicer. I was livid when my friend dug it up again and told me to man up.

Did you just exhume my blender?

If Apple had a fitness band and had it made in the Middle East

It would be called Iran

I've decided to join Anytime Fitness

Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.

Raw eggs are good for a fitness diet.

If you don't like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Let's start a religious fitness training group. We can call it

Jehovah's Fitness

[OC] What do ypu call a monster that does a lot of exercise?

Fit-ness

Did you hear about the athletic almond?

Total fitness nut.

A woman was just taking a bath when she heard the doorbell.

She thought she'd just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, Hello? Anybody home? I'm the blind guy!
Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress. thought the lady, hauled herself out of the bath and went to open the door.
Wow, said the guy waiting there, you should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put those blinds?

A woman was taking a bath when the doorbell rang

She thought she could just pretend like she isn't home, the person would leave and she could keep bathing. "Hello? Anybody home? I'm the blind guy"
She thought to herself "Well, if he's blind, then maybe I won't have to dress up. She got out of the bath, walked to the door and opened it.
"Wow!" Said the man. "You should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put those blinds?

Did you know NBC once considered a diet & fitness show based on people such as Air Force Amy, Mary Magdalene, Heidi Fleiss, Charles Ponzi, Berni Madoff, and Donald Trump?

The pilot was cancelled because they didn't want to weigh the pros and the cons.

What was the lettuces fitness goal?

To get shredded

What do you call it when a Christian works out?

Jehovah's Fitness

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

What do you call a big hairy gay man that's really into fitness?

Yogi Bear

Today I heard 24-hour Fitness filed for bankruptcy.

I guess they ran out of time.

What did the religious zealots call their gym?

Jehovah's Fitness

I'm into fitness

Fitness cake in my mouth

Did you hear about Cardi B's cousin, the fitness instructor?

Cardi O.

What do you call adolescents who are into health and fitness?

Proteens

I exercise running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah's Fitness.

The uprising of the machines

When the machines finally rise up and access my fitness bracelet data, they will realize that I am not a threat.