Fit Jokes
150 fit jokes and hilarious fit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This collection of hilarious jokes is the perfect way to get fit: laugh your way to stronger abs with jokes about Candice Fit, Kwik Fit, Honda Fit, Wilma Nuts Fit, getting fit, and more! Enjoy an irreverent take on keeping fit and make a few people "unfit for public display" with your humor.
Quick Jump To
- Short Fit Jokes
- Fit One Liners
- Getting Fit Jokes
- Cross Fit Jokes
- Keep Fit Jokes
- Fit Rage Jokes
- More Fit Jokes
Funniest Fit Short Jokes
Short fit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fit humour may include short fists jokes also.
- My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
- How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat? If she fits in your wife's clothes.
- I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not. I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
- How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.
(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.) - "We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given." I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"
- I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus... It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
- How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.
- Wife: "Look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits." Husband: "For God's sake woman, it's a scarf!"
- In a fit of rage, a friend of mine ran over a pedestrian with his electric car. He will be charged with battery.
- Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized
Share These Fit Jokes With Friends
Fit One Liners
Which fit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fit? I can suggest the ones about sizes and ashtray.
- What's E.T. short for? So he can fit in his spaceship.
- I just joined a gym for religious minorities. Jehova's Fitness
- Why does Ariel wear seashells? Because she can't fit into D shell
- Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle? So that it'll fit inside the box.
- Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless
- Elton John bought his pet rabbit to the gym... "It's a little fit bunny...."
- Why are the great pyramids in Egypt? The British couldn't fit them on their ships.
- Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbit… It's a little fit bunny
- Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore A dead epileptic
- How did Jesus maintain his killer abs? Cross Fit
- Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
- What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas? A Wii fit
- Why are the pyramids in Egypt? Because they wouldn't fit in the British Museum.
- The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting "Stay off the grass."
- How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits in your wife's jeans.
Getting Fit Jokes
Here is a list of funny getting fit jokes and even better getting fit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you know your girlfriend is getting too fat? Because she tried on your wife's pants and they fit.
- Studying for finals is like playing Tetris just when you seem to get the facts to fit together, all that you thought you learned disappears.
- I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said at least your knickers fit like a glove
- How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits into your wife's clothing.
- How did Jesus get six pack abs? Cross Fit
- Why did the accordion player join the gym? To get accordion-fit!
- [body shape - help request] M, 18, struggling to get rid of a body fit for a 46 year old... Seriously guys, do I cut it up or just bury it whole?
- My ex-girlfriend made a really great cake the other day Getting her legs to fit in the oven was a real hassle, though.
- How did Jesus get those sweet biblical abs? Cross fit
- how can you tell if your gf is getting fat? when She fits in your Wife's clothes.
Cross Fit Jokes
Here is a list of funny cross fit jokes and even better cross fit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs? He was the original cross-fit.
- What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise? Cross fit.
- What kind of workouts did Jesus do? Cross-fit
- An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fit enthusiast walk into a bar. And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.
- How did Jesus keep his form? He did cross-fit.
- Just tried to kill a roach with axe body spray... ...now his name is Brett and he won't shut up about cross-fit.
- Why Do Women Love Jesus? He was well hung and super into cross fitting!
- The origin of CrossFit can be traced all the way back to ancient Rome. Take Jesus for example, he fit nicely on that cross.
- Do you do any sports? - Yes, I do CrossFit
- CrossFit? what's CrossFit?
- I cross my fingers and hope the clothes fit - Why was Jesus in such good shape when he died? He was Cross-Fit.
Keep Fit Jokes
Here is a list of funny keep fit jokes and even better keep fit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend is really helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a mile.
- How do epileptics keep fit? With strobe lights.
- An old woman picks up the phone She hears a man's voice say "If you can guess what I have in my hand I'll give it to you"
The old woman says " Hello? if it fits in one hand you can keep it!" - A man finds another man with his wife in bed. In a fit of rage, he shoots him. The wife says, Keep it up and you'll lose all your friends
- I invented something to keep the inside of my car quiet. It fits right over her mouth.
- When my grandfather reached the age of 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit... He's 70 now and we have no idea where he is!
- How did Roman magistrates keep fit? Pontius Pilates.
- My gran started walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try and keep fit She's 70 odd now and I've not got a clue where she is.
- Why does Christ keep talking about his ripped abs? Cross fit
Fit Rage Jokes
Here is a list of funny fit rage jokes and even better fit rage puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Imagine if, in some fit of drug-induced rage back in the 60s, Keith Richards had killed David Crosby & Gram Parsons? Talk about killing two byrds with one stone.
Amusing Fit Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about fit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean keep fit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fit pranks.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 p**....
The doctor says, " 5 p**...!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
I gently slid her p**... to the side...
....so I could fit her socks into the drawer
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this g**... her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I wasn't suited to be a tailor.
The muffler factory was just exhausting.
I couldn't cut it as a barber.
I didn't have the patience to be a doctor.
I wasn't a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.
The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance was too draining.
I got fired from the cannon factory.
And I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
Wife tells her husband
Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."
Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."
Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."
Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."
A girl uses chemicals to remove polish and no one looks twice
And yet when h**... tried it, everyone threw a fit
Two engineers are meeting for lunch
Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to s**... on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
me: will this car fit 5 people?
**salesman:** yeah, without any problems.
**me:** d**...! my homies have lots of those
I once met a man with 5 p**.... I said "That must be rough"...and "how does your underwear fit?"
He said "Like a glove!"
5 p**...
A man visits his doctor and tells him,
"You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 p**...!"
To which the doctor replies,
"5 p**...! How do your pants fit?"
"Like a glove!"
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.
The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.
As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
He replied "yes, I have only had water."
The officer says "that's a lie, I can smell wine on your breath"
The priest looks to the sky and says "You did it again, lord!"
I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt...
So, I made a move on her.
Two engineers meet each other on their way into work
One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".
When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"
Given the terms crab , tuna , lobster , and Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders , which does not fit?
Ans: tuna . The other 3 are crushed asians.
Apparently, Elton John owns a pygmy rabbit that is super hyper and runs all the time.
It's a little, fit bunny.
A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 p**..."
The doctor says "Woow, how do your pants fit?", he replies "like a glove"
There's a man living near me who has 5 p**....
Rumour has it his underwear fit him like a glove.
Dog walks into a telegraph office...
Clerk says, "What's your message?"
Dog says, "Woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof."
Clerk says, "You know, for the same price, you can fit one more 'woof' in."
Dog replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense."
I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants
Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.
The man who wrote the hokie pokie died recently
They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.
It all started when they put his right leg in..
My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...
I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.
Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.
Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill.
Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"
Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."
My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in the back seat of my car so...
I had to pop the trunk.
These pants fit like a cheap hotel...
No ballroom.
Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt?
Because he was a medium
I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....
It's my Tic Tactical vest.
You know you can fit any boat on your head
Just flip it upside down. That makes it capsized
Wife: I'm going to donate all my old clothes to starving people
Husband: Honey, anyone who can fit into your clothes, isn't starving...
A man goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, my s**... life is not very good, I can't perform very well in bed.
The doctor says, You don't look very fit, are you getting any exercise? The man replied that he wasn't exercising at all, so the doctor said, I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved. The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, Are you performing any better in bed now? The man says, I don't know, I'm 35 miles away.
Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?
Because his number couldn't fit in their phones
After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA
It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.
Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.
I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:
Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.
Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"
"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."
3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are...
One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.
Ralphie May....
Or may not fit in the coffin.
No problems
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.
Now her clothes don't fit.
There once was a family of moles in their mole hole when one smelled something sweet...
The father mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said "is that honey?" So the mother mole squeezed through the hole next to the father and smelled "that may be maple syrup! It smells so wonderful!" The baby mole, wanting to see what all the commotion was about, frustratingly couldn't fit between the father and mother mole. So he wailed " All I smell is molasses!"
Was in a pub the other day...
Was in a pub the other day as one of the patrons was teliing the classic "What do you do if an epileptic person has a fit in the bath? Throw in the washing!" as a big burly guy walks over and says, "I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."
"Sorry, did he drown?"
"No. He choked on a sock."
One of my favourite jokes. Might take a minute to sink in...
I saw a guy having an epileptic fit in a nightclub. Everyone was just standing around watching, pointing at him and talking about it. "Look!! That guy's having a fit!!" etc...
I said "Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer."
He wasn't the most fit or handsome guy, but she loved him for what he is.
A Millionaire.
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her p**... and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your p**....'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-a**... attitude, you never will.'
Wife: donate my clothes to poor people who are starving.
Husband: honey, if they fit in your clothes they surely aren't starving.
A widow puts out an ad for a man...
She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her s**.... A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.
"Well, I have no arms so I will never beat you. I have no legs so I can't run from you."
"How do you suppose that you can satisfy me s**...," she asked with a puzzled face.
"Well, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
How many superheroes can you fit in one car?
Five
Two in the front
Two in the back
And Peter Parker in the ash tray
A h**... and a priest walk into a spaceship...
It lasts for 1 season and a movie and everyone throws a fit when it won't come back.
Did you hear about the man born with 5 d**...?
His pants fit like a glove.
Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer....
....it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn't fit any of your containers.
My wife told me she wants to give her clothes away to starving children,i told her that if they fit them they arent starving
That is when the fight began
What do you call a snakeskin suit?
A Hissy Fit
Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...
I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, o**... got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
I asked, "Did he drown?"
The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
When to leave your girlfriend?
When your wife's clothes start to fit her.
Three gay men are at a bar.
The first one says, I'm so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort! Second one says, Oh yeah? I'm so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort! Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.
