Fit Jokes
146 fit jokes and hilarious fit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This collection of hilarious jokes is the perfect way to get fit: laugh your way to stronger abs with jokes about Candice Fit, Kwik Fit, Honda Fit, Wilma Nuts Fit, getting fit, and more! Enjoy an irreverent take on keeping fit and make a few people "unfit for public display" with your humor.
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Funniest Fit Short Jokes
Short fit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fit humour may include short ashtray jokes also.
- My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
- How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat? If she fits in your wife's clothes.
- I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not. I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
- "We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given." I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"
- I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus... It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
- Wife: "Look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits." Husband: "For God's sake woman, it's a scarf!"
- In a fit of rage, a friend of mine ran over a pedestrian with his electric car. He will be charged with battery.
- Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized
- My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
- A new gym opened near me. They are currently going door to door signing up new members. It's called Jehovah's Fitness.
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Fit One Liners
Which fit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fit? I can suggest the ones about keep fit and getting fit.
- What's E.T. short for? So he can fit in his spaceship.
- I just joined a gym for religious minorities. Jehova's Fitness
- Why does Ariel wear seashells? Because she can't fit into D shell
- Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle? So that it'll fit inside the box.
- Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless
- Elton John bought his pet rabbit to the gym... "It's a little fit bunny...."
- Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
- What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas? A Wii fit
- The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting "Stay off the grass."
- My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in the back seat of my car so... I had to pop the trunk.
- Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt? Because he was a medium
- Ralphie May.... Or may not fit in the coffin.
- What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise? Cross fit.
- He wasn't the most fit or handsome guy, but she loved him for what he is. A Millionaire.
- I bought a muzzle for my pet duck.... Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
Getting Fit Jokes
Here is a list of funny getting fit jokes and even better getting fit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Studying for finals is like playing Tetris just when you seem to get the facts to fit together, all that you thought you learned disappears.
- I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said at least your knickers fit like a glove
- Why did the accordion player join the gym? To get accordion-fit!
- My ex-girlfriend made a really great cake the other day Getting her legs to fit in the oven was a real hassle, though.
- I was hanging out with my Scizophrenic friend and all of a sudden he bursted into fits of laughter I asked what was so funny and he said "you wouldn't get it, it's an inside joke"
- You know that feeling of shame, when you put it in the wrong hole? You wonder why it doesn't fit, and when you look down you just get sad. I'm talking about belts, of course.
What did you think!? - A warehouse worker... A warehouse worker is getting ready to ship a bunch of cases of disgusting, prepackaged food, but he can't get it to fit properly on a skid.
The food was unpalatable. - My girlfriend suggested we get soundproof walls fitted in our bedroom. It will stop the neighbours complaining about our snoring.
- What was Jared from Subway's fitness goal? Getting in to smaller pants
- A blonde in a coffee shop: "Will 6 coffees fit in this thermos?"
"Yes, they will!"
"Can a get two black, two with milk and sugar and two cappuccinos, please?"
Cross Fit Jokes
Here is a list of funny cross fit jokes and even better cross fit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just tried to kill a roach with axe body spray... ...now his name is Brett and he won't shut up about cross-fit.
- Why Do Women Love Jesus? He was well hung and super into cross fitting!
- The origin of CrossFit can be traced all the way back to ancient Rome. Take Jesus for example, he fit nicely on that cross.
- Do you do any sports? - Yes, I do CrossFit
- CrossFit? what's CrossFit?
- I cross my fingers and hope the clothes fit - Why was Jesus in such good shape when he died? He was Cross-Fit.
- Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body... I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.
- What is The Pope's favorite workout program? Cross-fit
- When Jesus Christ was crucified his cross was custom made It fit him to a t
- Why is Jesus always shown with a six pack of abs? Because hes Cross fit.
Happy easter! - Mi amigo Jesus is a great work out partner but... He just won't shut up about how he invented *Cross-Fit*
Keep Fit Jokes
Here is a list of funny keep fit jokes and even better keep fit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend is really helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a mile.
- How do epileptics keep fit? With strobe lights.
- An old woman picks up the phone She hears a man's voice say "If you can guess what I have in my hand I'll give it to you"
The old woman says " Hello? if it fits in one hand you can keep it!" - I invented something to keep the inside of my car quiet. It fits right over her mouth.
- How did Roman magistrates keep fit? Pontius Pilates.
- Why does Christ keep talking about his ripped abs? Cross fit
Amusing Fit Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about fit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fitness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fit pranks.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 p**....
The doctor says, " 5 p**...!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I gently slid her p**... to the side...
....so I could fit her socks into the drawer
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to s**... on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
me: will this car fit 5 people?
**salesman:** yeah, without any problems.
**me:** d**...! my homies have lots of those
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore
A dead epileptic
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.
The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.
As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
He replied "yes, I have only had water."
The officer says "that's a lie, I can smell wine on your breath"
The priest looks to the sky and says "You did it again, lord!"
I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt...
So, I made a move on her.
My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".
When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"
Given the terms crab , tuna , lobster , and Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders , which does not fit?
Ans: tuna . The other 3 are crushed asians.
Apparently, Elton John owns a pygmy rabbit that is super hyper and runs all the time.
It's a little, fit bunny.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a man living near me who has 5 p**....
Rumour has it his underwear fit him like a glove.
My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...
I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.
Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill.
Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"
Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."
I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....
It's my Tic Tactical vest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, my s**... life is not very good, I can't perform very well in bed.
The doctor says, You don't look very fit, are you getting any exercise? The man replied that he wasn't exercising at all, so the doctor said, I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved. The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, Are you performing any better in bed now? The man says, I don't know, I'm 35 miles away.
Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?
Because his number couldn't fit in their phones
After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA
It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.
Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.
I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:
Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.
Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"
"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."
3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are...
One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.
No problems
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.
Now her clothes don't fit.
One of my favourite jokes. Might take a minute to sink in...
I saw a guy having an epileptic fit in a nightclub. Everyone was just standing around watching, pointing at him and talking about it. "Look!! That guy's having a fit!!" etc...
I said "Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her p**... and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your p**....'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-a**... attitude, you never will.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A widow puts out an ad for a man...
She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her s**.... A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.
"Well, I have no arms so I will never beat you. I have no legs so I can't run from you."
"How do you suppose that you can satisfy me s**...," she asked with a puzzled face.
"Well, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
How many superheroes can you fit in one car?
Five
Two in the front
Two in the back
And Peter Parker in the ash tray
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A h**... and a priest walk into a spaceship...
It lasts for 1 season and a movie and everyone throws a fit when it won't come back.
Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer....
....it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn't fit any of your containers.
My wife told me she wants to give her clothes away to starving children,i told her that if they fit them they arent starving
That is when the fight began
What do you call a snakeskin suit?
A Hissy Fit
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...
I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, o**... got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
I asked, "Did he drown?"
The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
When to leave your girlfriend?
When your wife's clothes start to fit her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three gay men are at a bar.
The first one says, I'm so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort! Second one says, Oh yeah? I'm so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort! Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
A husband walks into his bedroom to find his wife pulling all her clothes out of the closet.
"What's going on here?"
The wife replies that she's just looking for stuff to donate.
"Why don't you just throw them out?" The husband asks.
"Dear! There are so many unfortunate people who could use these clothes!"
The husband replies without missing a beat, "Honey, I know you mean well but anyone who can afford to eat enough to fit in your clothes isn't exactly unfortunate!"
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."
I bought a copy of the Kama Sutra to spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend...
...unfortunately, it wouldn't fit inside her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the guy with 5 p**... say?
"These pants fit like a glove"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was solicited by a charity to donate my used clothing to starving people around the world. I said No Way!!
Anyone that could fit into my clothing, is NOT starving!!
"I can still fit into my wedding dress!", my wife bragged.
"That's only because you were 8 months pregnant", I replied.
How do you fit five elephants in a fiat 500?
Easy! Two in the front and three in the back!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Hey five-p**... Charlie, how do your pants fit?"
"Like a glove"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many white people can you fit in a can?
Crackers don't come in cans, they come in boxes!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three bottoms are sitting at a bar.
The first says, I'm so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand inside me.
The second says that's nothing. My boyfriend can fit his whole arm inside me!
The third laughs, and the bar stool disappears.
[OC] Life is like a game of Tetris...
When you fit in, you disappear
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an old person trying to fit in with today's kids?
A dislocated hipster.
What's the difference between a 19th Century shipwright and a 21st Century fan fic writer?
One tries to fit as many cannons as they can onto a ship. The other tries to fit as many ships as they can into canon.
A nerd rides up to his friend on a new bike.
The friend asks "Wow! Where'd you get the cool bike?"
The guy replies "A beautiful blond woman rode up to me on it, then took off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted!"
The friend says "Good call, dude! The clothes would never have fit!"
Why was OJ Simpson turned down for the role of Thanos?
The glove didn't fit.
Jim and Joe are sitting at a bar drinking and jim asks where is John? Joe says John is missing . What happened asks Jim . Well joe says
John forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife flew into a fit of rage, walked out to the driveway pointed to the ground and said., I want a present that goes from 0 to 200 really fast and I want it here by tomorrow morning.
Fine says Jim but that doesn't explain where John is.
Well continued Joe they next morning his wife woke up walked out side and saw a big box with a ribbon so she opened it and saw a new set of bathroom scales and John hasn't been seen since
How do you fit an elephant into a safeway bag?
You take the 's' out of safe and the 'f' out of way.
I own a boat but you can only fit your head in it
It's capsized
What did the gay guy say while parking?
Wow, I'm not straight at all...
When the Daddy Car asked the baby car
When the Daddy car asked the baby car what he wanted to be when he grew up, the baby answered. "I wanna fit lots of people inside me and have parties where they can drink and have fun."
The daddy car replied "oh that's a stretch."
Original. Maybe bad. But original.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Loose women
3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.
Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."
The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."
The Third woman slides down the bar stool
What's the difference between a clown and an athletic rabbit?
One is a little bit funny and the other is a little fit bunny
Roommates Sarah and Beth invite Mary over for drinks
Roommates Sarah and Beth invite their friend Mary over for drinks. They are drinking wine and having a great time, when Mary spills her drink on her shirt. Mary asks Beth if she could borrow one of her tops. Beth laughs and says you'd never fit in one of my shirts, you're the size of a dinosaur!Try Sarah's tops.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store
1. No thanks... Just sniffing.
2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
5. Will you model this for me?
6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
7. $85? Are you kidding? She's just going to end up *n**...* anyway!
How many?
How many elephants can you fit into a Matterbooboo?
"What's a Matterbooboo?"
Nothing Yogi.
