Fist Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Do you know how Chris Brown's girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.

2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."

What's it called when an illegal immigrant and a child molester get in a fist fight?

Alien VS predator

Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.

The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.

The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it all around, barely touching the sides!"

The third one laughed at the other two and slid down the bar stool.

Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay

Mom: *looks at Dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: don't you dare!

Dad: hi gay, I'm Dad!

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

Never hit a man with eyeglasses

Use your fist instead.

>Enthusiastically told by my 6 year old brother, I thought it was worth sharing.

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

Three women are bragging about their conquests in a bar

The first one says,"I am so loose, I can fit my fist in my pussy!".

The second one responds with, "Oh yeah? I can fit both my fists in mine!".

The third woman laughs as she starts to slide down the barstool.

3 Women are at a bar. (Mildly nsfw)

and they are all bragging about the sizes of their vaginas. The first one says, "My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole fist in it!" The second says, "Ha, is that all? My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole foot in it!". The third one just laughs and slides down the stool.

An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

Son:"Mom,Dad, I am gay"

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD

Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"

Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay

Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are

The first girl says "I'm so loose my boyfriend can get three fingers inside of me". The second girl says "I'm so loose MY boyfriend can get his whole fist in me." The third girl just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

3 girls are sitting at a bar...

arguing over who has the biggest vagina. 1st girl says "Oh yeah, well my boyfriend can stick his whole fist up mine", 2nd girl says "That's nothing, come talk to me when you can get two fists and a foot up there", they look over at the third girl and she is smiling as she is sliding down the stool.

What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!

This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

Three prostitutes in a bar...

First one holds up four fingers "I can take that inside me" she says.
"Well, I can take this" says the second, holding up a fist.
The third one slides slowly down the bar stool.

(NSFW) Three whores are sat in a bar..

And they are bragging to eachother about how big their pussies are.

Whore 1: My pussy is so big that i can fit my fist in!


Whore 2: Just one? My pussy is so big i can fit both my fists in!


Both whores look to the third and see that she is trying to hold herself up on the bar..


Whore 3: I think i need a wider stool..

I got into a car accident with a midget...

He got out of his car, angrily shaking his fist and yelled, "I'm NOT happy!"

"Well," I replied, "which one are you?"

All lawyers are assholes...

A man walks into a bar, obviously pissed off. He orders a double shot of whiskey, downs it in one gulp, slams his fist down on the bar, and exclaims "GodDAMN it, all lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

The guy next to him stands up, looking ready to fight. "You take that back!"

The first man backs down "Sorry, buddy, I just had a really shitty day. I didn't realize you were a lawyer."

The second guy shouts "I'M NOT! I'M AN ASSHOLE!"

A black man walks into a job office

He goes the the clerk's desk, slams his fist and says, *"I'm sick and tired of living off welfare. I want a job."*

*"You're lucky"*, the clerk says. *"We've got an opening you'll like."*

*"A local billionaire needs a chauffeur for his nympho daughter and her friends. Fast cars, champagne, and tropical resorts await you. You start with an annual paycheck of $ 120,000"*

The black man is stunned, *"Wow! You've gotta be shitting me!"*

*"Well, you started it."*

Three gay men are at a bar.

The first one says, I'm so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort! Second one says, Oh yeah? I'm so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort! Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.

What do you call a fist fight at noon?

A lunchbox

A blonde and her husband

A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor's dog starts barking and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'

She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'

The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor's dog barking all night.'

Three hookers were sitting in a bar...

The first hooker says: "My pussy is so big men can fit an entire fist up there!"

The second one says: "Oh that's nothing, most men can fit *two* whole fists up mine!"

The 3rd hooker just starts sliding down the barstool.

So, I'm in the stall of a public bathroom...

...And this guy comes in. First thing he does is belch extremely loudly. Twice. Walks to the urinal, starts obnoxiously banging his fist on the wall; I guess trying to make some sort of shitty beat. Farts, finishes, and leaves. No washing his hands or anything. All I can think is "Wow, I don't understand how someone could be so gross: Especially in a public place." So, I finish masturbating and get the hell out of there.

I Really Hate Porn

Every time I watch it, I just sit there shaking my fist at it.

How I got my car fixed.

So I'm sitting on the side of the road, car broken down, when a guy pulls up to me. He gets out and asks if I need help. I said, "Sure, if you can fix it." He walks around back and kicks the bumper, slams his fist on the trunk, and twists the gas gap a bunch of times. Then he walks around to the side, opens the door, and slams it shut a few times, then pulls on the front handle for about a minute. He asks me to try it again, and sure enough it starts. I ask him, "Is it fixed?" He says, "No, I tricked the car into thinking it works again. I say, "Wow, you're not too bad of a bad mechanic." Confused, he says, "Mechanic? No.... I'm a Chiropractor."

French Horn

Two women are talking with each other. One asks the other "What happened to the French Horn player that you were dating?"

The other says, "We broke up...he was a little freaky."

"How do you mean?" asks the other

"Well," she answers "let me put it like this. Every time we would kiss, he tried to shove his fist up my ass."

So this guys walks into a bar with a small alligator

and orders a beer. He drinks it down, then bangs the glass on the counter to get everyone's attention. Then he unzips he pants and takes out penis, and, very carefully, eases it into the alligator's mouth. Then he pounds his fist hard down onto the alligator's head.
"Alright," he says, after setting the alligator on the counter and putting his dick away, "Anyone else think they can do that?"
A little old lady raises her hand as says, "Yes, I can, but you mustn't hit me so hard."

A little bloke gets into a fight with a big bloke...

The big bloke says "Mate, if you don't back off I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
The little bloke looks up at him with a raised fist and yells, "You'll be sorry!!"

"Oh, yeah? Why?"

"Well, you won't be able to do the corners very well"

My wife slammed her fist on the table and shouted... "Why must you question everything I say!?"

..."Everything?" I replied

Guy gets pulled over speeding across a bridge

Cop asks the guy what was so important that you decided to go 20 mph over the speed limit. The guy states "I'm late for work". The officer asks " What job is that important" The guy responds "I'm an asshole stretcher" "What the hell is an asshole stretcher" Well he goes on " First you put in a finger, then you work up to two then keep going, adding one fist then the other, until you're able to work the hole to be about 6ft" the cop looks confused, "what would you do with a 6' asshole" to which he replies "usually they put them at the end of a bridge with radar gun"

A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand.

The girl says........The empire state building.

The guy says..........That's close enough.

Latvian joke.

I tell Latvian joke:

Latvian man very hungry.

He go in minefield, look for potato feed family.

Many hours, he suddenly find big potato, size of fist!

He quickly pull out pin, put in mouth, swallow whole thing.

Then he say "But why was there pin in potat "

End from joke.

Reagan's Soviet Joke

(All credit goes to Ron)

An American and a Russian are talking about their countries. The American starts to brag; "In my country, I can walk into the Oval Office, slam my fist on the president's desk, and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running this country!"

The russian appears unimpressed and says "We can do that in my country." The American says "Really?" Mhm." says the Russian. "I can walk right into the Kremlin, slam my fist on Gorbachev's desk and say "I don't like the way President Reagan is running his country."

NSFW So I was with this girl...

and while fingering her I noticed how loose she was.

Feeling adventurous I decided to try for 4 fingers - no problem. After a few seconds I thought I'd see if she could handle my fist. She was going nuts and my fist went in without incident, so I decided to see how crazy I could get.

I stuck a foot inside and watched as my leg disappeared to the calf. Once again I pressed my luck and put in both feet, but I slipped and fell entirely in her massive pussy.

"What will I do now?" I asked myself out loud.


"If we find the keys we can drive my jeep out," I heard a voice reply.

What's the worst part about dating a French horn player?

Whenever you kiss, they shove their fist up your ass.

I got sick from a fist bump

it's the first confirmed case of ebrola

An American and a Russian are talking

The American says to the Russian, "I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"

The Russian says, "I can do that too."

"You can?" Replies the American

"Sure. I can march right up to the Senate building, walk right into the Presidential Cabinet, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"

Guy walks into an exotic bar looking for something to eat.

He studies the fancy menu for a moment, then decides on the 'Half Roast Donkey'.

Having never tried this before, and being quite a large gentleman, he slams his fist on the bar and shouts, "Full Roast Donkey, NOW!"

"No", says the barman, "I can't serve an ass whole."

"Why are you fisting me?" A question that should never come up during love making.

Fisting should always be discussed beforehand.

I think fisting should be called ...

Uppercunting

Miss Jorgensen's 6th grade class was studying WW2...

So she invites Ollie Svensen, the only surviving veteran in their area to talk to them. He had been a fighter pilot, and described his fist battle as having "fuckers above shootin' me, fuckers below shootin' at me, fuckers everwhere shootin!"

As the class giggled, the teacher said, "Mr. Svensen, I don't think the children know that Fokker was the name of some enemy aircraft."

"Yah, that's true," Ollie replied, "But these fuckers was flyin' Messerschmitts!"

I saw some nudity on TV last night...

I just sat there shaking my fist. I was furious.

A music joke someone made in my composition class. How do you know you're kissing a french horn player?

You know because she has her fist up your ass.

How do you know that you are dating a french horn player?

How do you know that you are dating a french horn player?


Because when you kiss them they shove their fist up your butt

Three bottoms sit in a bar...

The first says, "I'm so loose, my partner can put their fist in me."
The second laughs and says, "That's nothing. I'm so loose that my partner can put their arm in me."
The third laughs and the barstool disappears.

Hey girl, are you a tube of Pringles?

Because my whole fist is stuck inside of you

Why should you never date a French Horn player?

Because every time you kiss, they'll try to shove their fist up your ass.

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay"

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HEY GAY, I'M DAD"

Whats the difference between your Mom and the Pringles guy?

I can't get my whole fist in the Pringles guy's can.

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar . . .

The Centurion says, I'll have a martinus.
The bartender replies, Oh, you mean a martini.
The Centurion slams his fist on the table and yells, If I wanted a double, I would've said so!

NSFW During a Linguistics lecture today, the teacher demonstrated how nouns can be turned into verbs;

for example "a brush is used to brush some one". My teacher gazed around the class, asking us for another example.

In retrospect, I don't think she liked the word "fist".

I'm a cowboy

I get into a bar and they all look at me. filthy, reeking mexicans. I hate these guys. so I slam my fist on a table, everything goes silent. I tell em ''alright beaners. my horse's tied outside. I'm gonna drink a whiskey. then I'm gonna take a shit. when I'm back, my horse better still be tied right where I left it, otherwise... that won't leave me a choice. I'm 'a have to do that same thing I did *back in El paso*''

that scared them silent. I hear a few gasps. I drink my whiskey and go to the shitter. after I'm done I head for the door, horse's still there. I saddle up and hear behind me ''stranger, wait'' it's the barman ''you have to tell us. what's that thing you did back in El Paso?''

so I tell em ''back in El Paso I went in a saloon. bunch of taco eating slackers there. I drink my whiskey, go to the shitter and one o' them steals my horse''

''so what did you do?''

''I walked''

This guy and I were arguing in an elevator when all of the sudden it turned into a fist fight

We really took it to the next level

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.

Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:

Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism.
Jimmy Carter said "you know, in our country we have protesters outside the White House daily carrying signs and chanting 'Down with Jimmy Carter' - 'Down with this administration' and as a country, they are free to do that and voice their arguments to the government without retribution or censorship"

Brezhnev countered "This is the same in Russia. Our people are free to come to Red Square and carry 'Down with Jimmy Carter' signs too.

An old man and his grandson (possibly NSFW)

An old man was hanging out with his grandson. 

"Boy, the economy's gone to hell lately," the old man exclaimed. 

The grandson replied "Pfff. Tell me something I don't know." 

The old man thought for a second, and said "Your grandma can take a fist in the ass all the way to the elbow."



I believe that this was told by Lemmy Kilmister originally

3 Women are sat at a bar..

The first of the three says proudly "I can fit my whole fist up there". To this the second woman turns and says "well I can fit both my fists up there". The third woman just smiled and slowly slid down the barstool.

I had to break up with my French horn playing girlfriend...

...She was great, but every time we kissed she tried to put her fist in my ass.

Two nuns were riding though the streets

and realised they were late for church, one said to the other "I know a short cut" they zip through back streets and down a cobble stone path, the other Nun says "I've never come this way before!" The fist Nun replies "yeah, it's the cobble stones"

What do you do with a 6ft Ahole?

I man was late for work and speeding to his job. He came over the hill of a bridge and found himself in a speed trap. The cop pulls him over and walks up to his car.
Cop: sir why were you speeding?
Man: I'm late for work
Cop: what do you do that's so important you think you can speed?
Man: I'm an a**hole stretcher
Cop: "looking confused" what's an a**hole stretcher.
Man: I stretch a**holes
Cop: what, how??
Man: well you start with one thumb then two then your fist then two fist then you put in the machine and before you know it you got a 6ft a**hole.
Cop: WTH you do with a 6ft a**hole?
Man: you give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge.

There's so much porn floating around the internet these days...

I just shake my fist.

We all know that one girl...

A man and a woman are having sex. The man is fingering the woman to get a little foreplay going. As hes fingering her, she grabs him and whispers in his ear "I like fisting.."

The man grins and proceeds to inserting his fist. The woman moans in enjoyment, but says "Deeper,". He proceeds to slide his arm deeper. her is now elbow deep in her and she says "Deeper," so he complies and slips him his other arm after grabbing a flashlight just in case. Now he is in up to his shoulders. She moans and yells "DEEPER!" so he starts inserting his whole body until all of a sudden he falls in!

Now he's walking around searching for the flashlight he dropped. All of a sudden he bumps into a man. "WHOA I didnt expect to find anyone in here..." Replies the first man.
"Ive been stuck in here for a few days now."
"Oh I see, well if you help me find the flashlight I brought in with me..."
The other man responds "If you help me find my keys we can drive out of here."

Three women are drinking at a bar.

As the night goes on, they begin talking about how loose their vaginas are.

The first woman boasts that her lover can fit his entire fist in.

The second woman says "That's nothing, my husband was able to fit both of his fists in!"

The third woman laughs, finishes her drink, and slides down the barstool.

Walking in the woods...

Two blondes were walking through the woods, when they came upon a set of tracks.

"Those are rabbit tracks!" Said the fist one.

"No they're not! They're bear tracks!"

"Rabbit tracks!"
"Bear tracks!"
"Rabbit!"
"Bear!"

They argued like this untill the train hit them.

Guy whos Speeding gets pulled over by the police

The police officer says to the man" you were going awfully fast, why where you speeding
Man replies " im late for work sir"
Officer " what do you do for work?"
Man " i am a rectum stretcher."
Officer " pardon me?"
Man " yes sir, a rectum stretcher"
Officer " what on earth is a rectum stretcher"
Man " just like i said i stretch rectums, first i start with one finger, then 2,3,4 then the whole fist. I work my way up to the second fist and proceed to stretch the rectum to six feet!"
The officer in shock says " what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Man " give him a radar gun and stick him on the side of the road"

I named my right fist "Attention."

Now my wife has finally stopped asking for it.

best jokes about Albania, from Romania:

Why the Albanian submarines resurface every 2 minutes? So the rowers can breath.

How do you destroy an Albanian tank? You shot the guy that pushes it.

Why did the Albanians lost the war? The archer was sick.

The Albanians managed to releases on market their fist computer, it's keyboard has 2 buttons: if you pres the first one nothing happens and the second one cancels the command

I'm always extra nice to the guy who used to deliver my mail.

I'd hate to get into a fist fight with an ex-professional mail boxer.

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"..........

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"

I hesitated for a bit then said, "Well, sometimes when I'm masturbating I like to stick my thumb up my arse. If I'm feeling really kinky I use my whole fist. How about you?"

She replied, "Erm, The Carpenters and Billy Joel."

I hit a Milestone today

and now my fist really hurts.

I could never fist a girl

My hand would always be reaching for a Pringle.

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

The blond reared back and clenched his fist

With all his might, he punched the tree, and the force of the impact broke his hand. "Ouch! I thought you said this tree was bouncy!"

His friend face palmed. "No, I said it was a rubber tree."

An Native American was walking into the store

As he neared the store another native american was walking out.

Seeing this man the man entering shouted out " Hello friend, What did you get on this fine day?"

The man leaving turned his head toward the first man and replied back "Why i got a 12 pack for the old lady"

The first man put his fist to his chest and said "Wow, what a good trade!"

Nineteen!

A guy gets fired from his job, and as he's walking home, head down, he hears someone yelling "Nineteen! Nineteen!" He looks around, and some weirdo is jumping up and down in the middle of the street, pumping his fist in the air. "Nineteen! Nineteen!" Curious and with nothing better to do, the man walks over and asks him what's going on.

"Oh, I do this every day," the weirdo says cheerfully. "It's great! You should try it."

"Nah... I just got fired and I really don't think anything can cheer me up."

"C'mon, just give it one try."

So the guy reluctantly agrees, stands next to him and half-heartedly jumps in the air, saying "Nineteen."

"No, no, you have to really commit to it. Like this: NINETEEN! NINETEEN!"

"OK, fine... Nineteen! Nineteen! ... You know, this really is making me feel better! NINETEEN! NINETEEN!" Just then, he makes an extra-high jump, and the weirdo quickly bends down and yanks the manhole cover out from under him. "AAAaaaaaahhhh...." *splash*

The weirdo puts the manhole cover back, looks around, jumps up in the air and yells "TWENTY!"

A Pissed Off Cowboy Walks Into a Bar

A pissed off cowboy walks into the bar and slams his fist on the table.


"Who's the son-of-a-bitch that painted my horse's balls red?" he shouts.


On the other side of the bar a 6'5″ tattooed biker stands up, shaking the floor as he jumps out of his seat. With a sudden explosion of strength he throws a table 20 feet to the other side of the bar. "I did, country boy," he says. "You got something to say about it?"


"Well good sir," says the cowboy sheepishly, looking down at his boots. "Just thought I'd let you know... he's ready for his second coat."

I used to play Rock-Paper-Scissors professionally.

I made money hand over fist.

The problem with Iron Fist...

The problem with Netflix's Iron Fist show is pretty simple.

See, Marvel is trying to be diverse not just in front of the camera, but behind it. They want to really show respect for the communities their characters are drawn from.

So Jessica Jones is a woman, and they made an effort to involve creators who were women. Luke Cage is black, so they made an effort to involve creators who were black.

Unfortunately, Danny Rand is a fucking moron, so...

I'm not really a fighter...

I'm more pass a fist

Three buttholes walk into a bar

They sit on bar-stools while their ladies enjoy a beer.

The first one says I'm so loose that I can hold in a fist easily

The second one giggles and says I'm so loose I can hold in two fists, no problem

The third one laughs.... and the bar-stool disappears

Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over ...

Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, 'My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.' The second girl says, 'Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.' The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.

How do you know if someone is a vegan, has gluten allergy or is the immortal Iron Fist?

...they will tell you every bloody chance they get

What are the funniest fist jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Fist? Well, here are the best Fist puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Fist pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes