The Best 86 First Time Sex Jokes

Following is our collection of funny First Time Sex jokes. There are some first time sex coworker jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these first time sex double puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest First Time Sex Jokes and Puns

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.


I grunted, Just ignore them.

How's your sex life?

3 women are having a conversation about their sex lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house sex' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom sex' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway sex'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"

The park

I was about to make love to my girlfriend. "I've loved you since the first moment I first saw you. I'm so glad you're mine now" I said, stroking her hair.

She started to choke up. "I've never really had sex," she said. My first time was horrible - I was raped in a park, aged 16."

"Oh babe," I said, "Hush. Hush. It will be so different now. We don't have to rush and I'll be gentle this time."

jokes about first time sex

First Impressions

A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with sex.

Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.

Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"


The bride asks her husband

The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up

After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have sex until your third trimester."

The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the lawn."

First Time Sex joke, A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up

At the drop of a hat

I recently had sex with my woman for the first time, and apparently she was impressed. She said, "You last so much longer than the last guy I was with! He would come at the drop of a hat!" I just smiled and said thanks but all I could think was "That's a really weird fetish."

First time I had sex I was so scared....

I was all alone.

Paddy has sex for the first time

After finding out Paddy had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.

"It was amazing," Paddy gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."

"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.

"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," Paddy replied.

First Time

A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first sex change operation!"

Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him.

True story...LOL!

You can explore first time sex experiment reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean first time sex female dad jokes. There are also first time sex puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns

So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"

"I'm 72 and just had sex with two 25 year olds" he claimed.

"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"

"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."

"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.

"I'm telling everybody"

Old man and his wife are not enjoying sex as much

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he and his wife are not enjoying sex as much any more.

The doctor asks "How old are you and your wife?"

The man says "We are both 80."

The doctor asks "When did you first start noticing this?"

The man answers "Well, three times last night and twice this morning."

So I had sex with a condom for the first time

It was good. But I still prefer doing it with girls.

Just before my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time...

I told her I was gonna give her 9 inches. Just as long as she was willing to take 3 inch payments

What did Christian Grey say to Anastasia before they sex for the first time?

Don't worry, I'll show you the ropes.

First Time Sex joke, What did Christian Grey say to Anastasia before they sex for the first time?

My inexperienced girlfriend

My inexperienced girlfriend was performing oral sex for the first time. She asked, "Am I doing it right?" To which I replied, "Not if you're talking."

Stages of man's sexuality [OC]

1. Puberty: masturbating in secrecy and shame.
2. Early adulthood: comfortable masturbation in your room and some casual sex with strangers.
3. First serious relationship: wild sex all the time.
4. First years of marriage: steady and regular sex.
5. Marriage after children: masturbating in secrecy and shame.

The first time I've had sex was like the first time I rode my bike

My dad was holding me from behind


It turns out I'm awesome at sex

I come first every time!

The first time I introduced a girlfriend to my grandpa.

"What's your name again?"

"Claudia."

"Oh *Claudia*. I'm sorry my dear, I won't forget it again. Claudia may I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you know the difference between sex and breakfast?"

"...Um, no.?"

"Would you like to have breakfast sometime?"

Roller coasters are like your first time having sex.

for the amount of time it takes to get there, you wish it lasted longer.

A man's sex life is like an oak tree

You spend the first part of your life growing up and not doing much. Then later you nut almost constantly for a short period of time, right up until you go bald

Did you know Chewbacca got a girl pregnant the first time he had sex

It was a Wookie mistake

My first time having sex was just like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind.

What's it called when two female scientists have sex for the first time?

A double slit experiment

First Time Sex joke, What's it called when two female scientists have sex for the first time?

Two classical musicians had sex for the first time together.

Woman: "That's a pretty small organ you're playing down there."

Man: "Well, I didn't know I would be performing in Carnegie Hall tonight."

If Hillary Clinton wins in 2016,

It will be the first time that two presidents have had sex with each other

A teenager tells his dad "Dad I just had sex for the first time ."

The father trying to hide his excitement tells his son " here son sit down and lets talk about it"
The son replies " I can't"


Girl: "My first time having sex was a lot like the 100 metre dash..."

Boy: "What, over in ten seconds?"

Girl: "No, eight black men and a gun."

I'll never forget the first time I had sex

That's because I kept the receipt!

Three Businessmen are on a plane

The first one turns to the other two and says "My wife and I hate these long business trips, but at least we got to have sex 3 times last night before I had to go to the airport."

"Just 3?" Replied the 2nd man. "I made love to my girlfriend 5 times." Turning to the 3rd man he asks "And you?"

"I only made love to my wife once last night." the 3rd guy replied.

"Just once? That's it? Geez. What did your wife say in the morning?"

"Don't stop."

No Man's Sky is like my first time having sex

Extremely disappointing

FIRST TIME SEX

My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.


My girlfriend pegged me for the first time last night.

The sex was great, but I don't know why she insisted on wearing an eye patch.

My first time having sex was a lot like my first time in church..

Actually, come to think of it, it was my first time in church.

After his first time having sex with Sleeping Beauty

the Prince was quite surprised at how loud she was in bed. "Wow, who are you?"

She replied "Aurora"

My first time doing standup was a lot like my first time having sex.

I finished way too early and when it was over I couldn't stop apologizing.

A guy is bored of sex with his wife

* Friend: But whats wrong then? Why are you bored?
* Man: I just don't know man, it's not there anymore.
* Friend: Did you already try to spice things up and be a little creative?
* Man: Creative, what are you talking about?
* Friend: Well, we like to get into role playing and play doctor for an hour. Works every time.
* Man: A whole hour?!? How do you keep that up?
* Friend: First I leave her in the waiting room for about 45 minutes.

My girlfriend finally asked me who I've had sex with in all of my life

I held back nothing and told her about every one of them. My first, the girls in higschool, that one time with her friend back in college, until I got to her... I probably should've stopped there.

How is sex like telling a joke?

It'll make them laugh the first time, but after that it's just sad.

My first time having sex was alot like my first football game

It was painful, it was tiring

But at least my dad came

my first time having sex was like the Holocaust

I just wish it would have lasted longer

My gf and I had sex for the first time. We filmed it, and she wants to post the whole thing online. Now we're having an argument.

Is it pronounced Gif (like give) or Jif (like peanut butter)?

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

My first time sex was like buying my first used crappy car

I didn't want it but dad gave it to me anyway

The first time I had sex was in my parents' bedroom

My girlfriend said "it's pretty awkward".

"Just ignore them", I said.

My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

Man gets nervous right before having sex

Her: Are you nervous?
Him: Y-y-yes...
Her: Is this your first time?
Him: No, I've been nervous before.

My first time having sex was like a roller coaster.

I was terrified, I screamed until it was completely over, and at the end my Dad showed me the pictures of our experience.

Funeral homes are a great place to hit on women.

No matter how many times you punch them, they will never complain about it.

Or: They might give you the cold shoulder at first, but if you keep at it, they'll eventually warm up to you.

Or: Because of recent trauma in their lives, they are very receptive to having sex.

Where do plants go after having sex for the first time?

Plant Parenthood

How was the first time I had sex?

It was like my first football game:

I was glad my dad came early

My first time having sex, was like my first time playing golf.

It seemed like I was doing bad at first, but my dad helped me along the way saying, "it's all in the hips".

I had sex with my girlfriend last night. It was her first time so she bled.

I told her not to worry, in a few years she'll bleed every month.

For the first time, I'm having more sex than

Hugh Hefner

A young couple is getting ready to have sex for the first time.

A young couple is getting ready to have sex for the first time. The boyfriend asked his girlfriend, "Have you ever ridden a horse?"
She said, "Yes, I have."
Satisfied, he responded with, "So this will be just like riding a horse."
Suddenly, the woman's face looked horrified.
Concerned, the man asked his girlfriend what was wrong.
Tearfully, she responded with, "So it will be bumpy and uncomfortable?"

I cried the first time I had sex. You can laugh. Im not embarrassed by it. It was a very emotional moment for me...

I think it's because it was the first time my dad ever hugged me.

With a sultry look and come-hither eyes filled with passion, my girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time. I rasped...

"No honey, your mustache looks fine to me."

I remember the first time I had sex.

I still have the receipt.

What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex?

Stand back, I'm not sure how much bigger it'll get!

Sex and USB Sticks have a lot in common

I can never get it in right the first time

I had sex with a retarded girl last night

i wanted my first time to be special

I had sex with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.

When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

A man and a woman are about to have sex for the first time

They just finished undressing each other when she stops him and says, "There's something I need to tell you."

He stops enjoying the view to look her in the eye and say, "What, what is it?"

"I used to be man..."

He sits on the edge of the bed and looks over her body slowly, not saying a word. Worried she might have lost her lover for the night she says, "Is everything OK?"

"Yes... It's just a lot to take in."

I always start out my job interviews with the same phrase I say before having sex with someone for the first time.

Everything I know, I learned from my uncle.

Two rednecks are talking about their sex lives.

"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a threesome?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.

I just had sex for the first time at 29 years old!

I also had it at 17 years old, but this was the first time I had it at 29.

My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike

I broke both my arms

Got something to celebrate?

A guy enters a bar and orders 6 bacardi coke's. Bartender asks if he has something to celebrate. ''Yes!'' says the guy, ''I had oral sex for the first time!''
Bartender: ''Nice, congrats! The 7th is on the house then!''
The guy: ''No thanks, if the taste sticks after 6 drinks, it wil after 7 as well ...

I just had sex for the first time today.

To be fair, I only woke up 10 minutes ago.

My first time having sex was like the olympic 100 meter sprint.

Not because it was over in 10 seconds, but because it included 8 black men and a gun.

One day at work some friends were talking about the sex they had on their wedding night.

First friend said 'oh we enjoyed it a lot, we did it 6 times and tried different positions each time.'

Second said 'that's nothing, we did it almost 13 times till I was completely dry and exhausted'

They asked the third guy about his wedding night, he replied that they did it only once and slept.

Both friends started laughing hysterically and asked why.

He calmly replied 'she wasn't used to it'.

Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.

One of the men says: "Last night I had sex with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best sex we've had"

One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had sex with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"

The two other men shook their heads.

"That I was the best she has ever had!"

The first man coofs and says to the third guy: "well how many times did you bang your wife?"

The third man says "once!"

The two other men laugh and one of them asks:
"Well what did your wife tell you in the morning then?"

The third man lays back and says:

"Don't stop!"

What did Adam say to Eve just before they had sex for the first time?

"Better stand back, I don't know how big this thing is going to get."

A woman I had been seeing told me after we had sex for the first time, "I didn't know you had such a small organ."

I told her, "I didn't know I was going to be playing Carnegie Hall."

What do you call a man when it's his first time at a sex club?

A newcummer

The first time i had sex, i cried.

I don't know if it was because i was emotional or because of the pepper spray.

An Italian went to church to admit his sins.

When the father opened the confessional's window, man stated talking:
-Father, I have done sin. During ww2 in my neighborhood lived a very beautiful Jewish girl, who asked if I could hide her from the Germans.
Father answered:
-Well, that's bravery and not sin.
The man continued:
-But it wasn't just that. I started to collect "rent" in form of sex. First once a week, but eded up to every day and twice on Sundays.
Father said:
-That time meny people surely did the same. Thus your sins are forgiven and you are free to go home.
The man still continued:
-Father, I still have one question. Should I tell the woman, that the war is over.

The first time I had sex, my girlfriend took off my Hawaiian shirt

You can say she deflowered me.

A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happy.

Three months pass. She's really worried about her youngest when finally a message arrives. It's addressed in shaky handwriting and contains an ad for British Airways. "London to Paris: Seven days a week, three times a day, both ways."

She fainted.

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.

She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.

"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.

He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"

"Yes"

"And do you remember the first time we had sex?"

She smiled and answered, "Of course."

"And you remember how your Dad caught us."

She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"

"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"

"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.

He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."

I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says sex: , as a young man, I'm always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of M or F online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I'll be able to put M for many

As an aside, for some reason, the people I meet during the interview always seem confused at first

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist shows him an ink blot picture and asks him to say the first thing that he thinks of, to which he replies, "Sex." He shows him another and again he replies, "Sex." This continues through the whole set and every time he replies, "Sex." The psychiatrist is dismayed by this and tells the patient that his problem is that he is obsessed with sex. "I'm obsessed with sex?" he replies indignantly, "You're the one with the dirty pictures!"

I'll always remember the first time I had sex ...

I kept the receipt.

I was on a date with a woman.

"When's your birthday?" I asked.

'13th of March."

"When's your mother's birthday?" I asked.

"24th of December."

"When's your father's birthday?" I asked.

"1st of October."

"Excellent," I replied. "So, when do you have sex with someone for the first time?"

"Usually after four dates," she said.

"Ok, when's Valentine's Day?" I asked.

"Um...14th of February."

I said, "Perfect. Back to your place or mine?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the first time sex joke jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working first time sex jesus piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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