First Step Jokes

Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC.
The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward t**... of the thermal air current."
"No way, man, you’re crazy," said the second guy to the first.
So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.
The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air.
Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below–SPLAT!
The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real a*shole!"

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had s**.... "Tarzan not know s**...." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his l**... cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the c**...!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news hound t**... a microphone at the Pope and asked, "Pope, what is your opinion of the large numbers of brothels in this city?" Mindful of the warnings he'd received from his advisors, he thought carefully for a second and replied tactfully, "Are there any brothels in this city?" The next day he was distraught to see the newspaper's headline which read "Pope's first question: 'Are there any brothels in this city?'"

Miniskirt

A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A b**... blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.
She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far too tight. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time.
Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "Get your hands off me! How dare you touch me," she squealed.
"Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper".

taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.
Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.
"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.
The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.
Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.
He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.
He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a b**.... "What? Get out of my cab."
He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.
He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.
And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.

p**...'s 18th birthday

p**... had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when p**...'s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal m**..., took a boat out to the middle of the lake, p**..., stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
m**... just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, p**... went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him "
Granny looked deeply into p**...'s, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

An Odd f**......

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.

Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three guys got into a car c**... and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere.
The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity."
The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity."
Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu

For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.
" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a r**... from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the r**... top that, they thought. The r**... calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The r**... won hands down!

The legend of Sorry the archer.

An archery contest is taking place, and all the top archers of Europe are in attendance. The final begins, and the three greatest archers must compete in shooting an apple from a little girls head.
The first archer steps up. He draws, and fires an arrow right through the apple. The audience applauds, he bows and proclaims "I am Robin Hood!"
The second archer steps up. He draws, and also hits the apple. He waves his hat at the cheering crowd, and cries out "I am William Tell."
The third archer steps up. He draws, and fires his arrow through the little girls eye. Blood sprays everywhere, the audience gasps and ladies faint. He takes his hat off, and announces "I am Sorry".

Love Dress

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by her son's house after he was recently married. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing n**... by the door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you n**...?" asked the mother-in-law.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.
"Love dress? You are n**...!" said the mother-in-law.
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy, and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute."
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "love dress" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally, the pickup truck pulled into the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife n**... by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it first," he said.

A r**... family was visiting the city...

...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."

Two Mothers Are Sitting Together At An Outdoor Café In Baghdad...

**Mother 1**: [*pulls out picture from purse*] "This is my son Abdullah. He would have been 25 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."
**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes I remember when he lost his first tooth..."
[*sighs*]
**Mother 1**: [*pulls out another picture*] "This is my son Hussein. He would have been 22 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."
**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes. I remember when he took his first steps..."
[*deep sigh*]
**Mother 1**: [*pulls out yet another picture*] "This is my son Muhammed. He would have been 18 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."
**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes. I remember when he was born..."
[*deepest sigh*]
"You know, they blow up so fast!"

Three men were stranted in the middle of the ocean on a raft...

When all of a sudden they catch sight of an island that had smoke rising from it. Overjoyed, they paddle the whole way there only to find themselves surrounded by intimidating natives with spears.
The chieftain walked up to them and said, "You have two choices. The first is that we kill you. The second is that we set you free after we give you a boomshakalaka."
The first man decided on the boomshakalaka. The burliest man out of them all stepped up, bent him over and r**... him savagely for 5 minutes but after he was done, they set him free and he ran off.
The second man also wanted to live so he decided to take the boomshakalaka as well. After 5 minutes he too was set free.
Having seen his two friends get r**..., the third man decided that he would just get killed
So the chieftain stepped up and said "Ok. I sentence you to death... by boomshakalaka.

You and your two friends die in car c**......

At the gates of heaven. St. Peter explains that everyone will get a partner in heaven to fit your desires but the quality is depending on how good you behaved on earth.
The first friend steps up to the gate:
"-You have sinned moderately so you will get a moderate looking partner."
Next friend steps up:
"-You have sinned less than your friend here, so you'll get this good looking partner."
Finally it's your turn and a absolutely gorgeous babe is approaching you. Then St. Peter says:
"-In your case it's not about what you have done, but your partner here is the most god-awful sinner I know."

Three p**... are discussing the meaning of Easter

The first p**... says, "Easter is that time of year when your family comes over for the night. You sit down to a big turkey dinner and you watch football.
"No you m**...," said the second p**.... "That is Thanksgiving. Easter is the time of year when a fat man in a red suit comes down your chimney and leaves you presents underneath a tree."
"Don't be s**...," said the third p**.... "You should know that is Christmas. Easter is the time of year when Jesus died for our sins and was put behind a boulder. Then in three days, he pushed the boulder out of the way, stepped outside, saw his shadow and ran back inside shouting six more weeks of winter."

Three guys and a woman are playing golf...

The woman is having the round of her life as she steps onto the 18th green after hitting a beautiful shot 10 feet from the pin. If she makes this putt, she will beat the course record that has been around for over 50 years.
So she says the guys, "If one of you help me make this putt, I will give you a b**...."
This lady is drop dead gorgeous so they are all excited.
The first guy steps up and says, "Okay you want to give it a soft touch, it's downhill and to the right."
The second guy pushes him out the way and says, "No No! Give it a firm tap, it's flat and slightly left."
The third guy is standing there not doing anything so the lady asks, "Don't you have any advice for me?"
He looks over at her and says, "I say it's a gimme."

3 gunmen died from a car c**......

... when the devil shows up, and holds up a key. He says 'I will let one of you go, if you get this key.'
The three men look at each other, and realize that if any one of them were to take it, the other two would shoot them. So they agree to have a duel - each of them can choose a weapon for the duel, and they agree to shoot at 10 paces.
'I'll take this one' said the first gunman, grabbing a large p**... with a lot of rounds.
'I want this one!' said the second, taking one with a laser pointer.
'Ummm... That one!' said the third, who grabbed a lasso.
The others stare at him in disbelief, but let hi choose it anyway.
They place the key on top of a little mound of rock, and each take 10 steps from that rock. Then the instant they do, they take aim. Not caring about the third gunman, the first gunman points his gun at the second, and the second at the first. They look viciously into each others eyes.
Then they look at the third gunman, who's disappeared with the key.

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it c**... before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

I was walking home late at night along a dark street. There was a young woman walking a few steps in front of me.

She crossed over to the other side of the road; I crossed over too.
She quickened her pace a little; I quickened my pace too.
She broke into a run; I broke into a run too.
She panicked and began to scream and run h**...-for-leather; I panicked and began to scream and run h**...-for-leather too.
Whatever it was, I was d**... if it was going to catch me first.
P.S. It's an old one, but I doubt the original used semi-colons, so give me that.

Irishman steps up on Mastermind, the quiz show. His chosen topic: the Irish Rebellion, 1916.

- **Quizmaster**: 'Your first question: who read the *Proclamation of Independence* from the steps of the GPO?'
- **Contestant**: 'Pass'
- **Quizmaster**: 'OK. Second question: name the Irish rebel leader born in Scotland.'
- **Contestant**: 'Pass'
- **Quizmaster**: 'Question three: which *Countess* was an important leader in the rebellion?'
- **Contestant**: 'Pass'
Suddenly, his friend in the audience shouts:
**'THAT'S IT HUEY, YOU TELL 'EM NOTHIN'!'**

Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they don't know which baby is which.
She asks them if they could help identify their babies and the Jew goes first. One minute later, he steps out of the nursery holding a black baby, the Black man gets up and says ''Hey man, I'm pretty sure that one's mine'' to which the Jew replies ''One of those babies is a Trump, and I'm not taking any chances!''