First Place Jokes

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....
How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

How many gynecologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.
One Slytherin to break it.
One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.
And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

My wife complained to me the other day that I'm trying to be somebody that I'm not...

I'm just confused as to how she got into the batcave in the first place.

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that's how the Catholic Church ranks it's priorities.

There once was a man who looked especially ugly

Feeling depressed about being the ugliest person in the world, he tried to kill himself, only for a slightly less ugly person to save him at the last minute.
Thank you, kind sir! Why did you save me?
I don't want first place.

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

A friend from Mexico recently moved up to Wisconsin with me

Naturally, one of the first places we went was a cheese shop. He was being all tentative, only considering purchasing a small block of cheddar. He's never going to fit like that.
I said to him, Jesus, take the wheel.

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I don't know why I started carrying it around with me in the first place.

Two guys were in a running competition

The first one said Hey! You dropped something!
The other one, stopped and looked around confused. What did I drop?!
Your speed! He replied as he ran into first place.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven ate Nine. Lame, right? I made up some more!

Why did Two pay more for socks?
Because it was a three-for-five deal!
Why did Four get jealous of Five?
Because Five had six with Seven!
(And I heard that Seven ate Nine out)
Why did Negative One share its cash prize with Zero after they tied for first place in the race?
Because Zero won too!

My girlfriend broke up with me because she knew I was cheating.

Never should've dated a teacher in the first place.

I won the first place in the Political Correctness Quiz contest..

To be fair,so did everyone else...

I was about to win a race but my phone went off and I stopped to answer it, in the end I finished last.

I shouldn't have done it in the first place.

I was running a marathon. I was in first place and could see the finish line. I tripped and fell and now all I see is...

De feet

UPS- Your package has been delivered

Me- Ok, thanks, but why was it livered in the first place?

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

I had to take my son's dirty diaper off today.

I don't know why I was wearing it in the first place.

How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three:
One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the poor.
One to report it as a conspiracy to deprive the poor of darkness.
And one to win a Pulitzer Prize for reporting that the electric company hired someone to break the lightbulb in the first place.
But in the end none of them actually changed the bulb.

Playing a childhood video game to relive old memories is like hooking up with your EX...

Seems fun at first, but then you remember why you stopped in the first place.

Friend: man, you got to help me. I hit a squirrel driving my car. I feel awful, what should I do?

Me: Why'd you let it drive your car in the first place?

Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?

Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!
- Anthony Jeselneck

Never in my life have I seen so much corruption, bribery, bIackmail, jealousy, theft, fraud, deception, and outright bloodshed.

And honestly I'm wondering why I even play Monopoly with my family in the first place.

Why is everyone always telling me to invest in a retirement program?

If I have them rotated every 6000 miles like I'm supposed to I shouldn't have to re-tire in the first place.

I was driving along the other day when suddenly a deer ran out.

I have no idea how it got in my car in the first place.

The iCloud leaks weren't an accident at all.

It was Apple trying to make up for causing Adam and Eve to have to wear clothes in the first place.

How many turtles does it take to screw in a light bulb

At least 2 but the trick is getting them in there in the first place

Why doesn't Kevin Spacey win first place in marathons?

He isn't an athlete and doesn't train for marathons

I don't know why there is a baby brand called Safety 1st..

I mean, if they used safety first they wouldn't have to buy their products in the first place

All dad wants for Father's Day is a full day of what made him a dad in the first place

Getting laid.

Checking out the birth facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
"What do you think?" she said
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

Analysts are suprised Chris Christie ran for president in the first place

They thought he'd walk

If people don't wish to discuss the cruel existential futility of all human endeavour they shouldn't say..

...Good Morning in the first place.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but either they'd have to be really really small people, or it would have to be a really big lightbulb, and I'm not sure how they'd get in it in the first place.

How do you get a one armed polish guy out of a tree?

Wave.
What was he doing up in the tree in the first place?
Raking leaves.

If you don't get first place in someone's heart

just remember that you got first place in someone's fallopian tube.

Some say Donald Trump is a terrible joke of a president. Some say that's the reason he won in the first place. So by that logic, there's only one person who can be the next president.

The bus driver.

My girlfriend found it hard to tell me she was pregnant...

I said don't beat around the bush.
She said that's how we got into this in the first place.

Alcohol may be the reason you don't have a dad,

but it's also the reason you were born in the first place.

The new Starbucks drink is like getting back together with an ex.

It's fun and exciting in the beginning, but then is horrible and should have never happened in the first place.

I was surprised Oscar Pistorius owned a gun in the first place.

I would have thought he preferred blades.

If you are ever having a bad day,

Just remember you were once first place in a race of over 100 million contestants.

I wasn't sure if I liked my knees or my elbows more...

So I put them in joint first place.

I'm opening the first place you can create a painting and brew your own beer

It's called "Arts & Crafts"

What do black fathers and Santa Claus have in common?

Neither are going to show up on one special day of the year to give you gifts and neither really existed in the first place.

If the Chinese didn't want Europeans to use their invention of gunpowder for guns...

...why did they name it 'gunpowder' in the first place?

Trump shut down an Obamacare provision which gave people better and cheaper access to contraceptives.

While becoming the best case as to why contraceptives are extremely necessary in the first place.

Our Ice Sculpture will win first place at the competition!

After all, it took ages to get all the details thawed out.

TIL when nursery rhymes are playing in the car but your child is no longer in the car then the songs were probably never for him in the first place.

The rain and the karaoke contest

The rain entered the karaoke contest. The rain won first place, and had such good singing, the audience wanted an enpour.