First Pitch Jokes
24 first pitch jokes and hilarious first pitch puns to laugh out loud. Read sport jokes about first pitch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest First Pitch Short Jokes
Short first pitch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The first pitch humour may include short baseball pitching jokes also.
- My wife had to cook to the first time the other day. The food smells so bad, that all the flies in the neighborhood pitched in and bought us a screen door so they couldn't get back in.
- Why did the first batch of Tickle Me Elmos have a high pitched laugh? The designers forgot to include two testtickles
Share These First Pitch Jokes With Friends
First Pitch One Liners
Which first pitch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with first pitch? I can suggest the ones about baseball pitcher and pitcher.
- Chuck Norris once threw out the first pitch at a NASCAR race.
Giggle-Inducing First Pitch Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about first pitch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean first base jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make first pitch pranks.
Baseball in Heaven
Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."
First Pitch or ...
One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."
John and Paul wanted to know if there is baseball in heaven
So they made a pact. Whoever died first would tell the other one if there is in fact baseball in heaven. John dies and he tells Paul, "I have good news and bad news". John says "The good news is yes, there is baseball in heaven". So Paul asks "So what is the bad news then" and John's reply is "The bad news is that you are pitching on Wednesday."
Play Ball!
Two baseball players were talking about whether there was baseball in heaven.
Each agreed to come tell the other about it if they happened to die first.
Well, one day the first player dies and then comes to let the other know that they do in fact have baseball in heaven.
"Good news! There is baseball in heaven!
Bad news....you're pitching tomorrow "
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice.
"What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I’d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…"
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It’s YOUR child!"
A guy walks into a bar and has a drink...
After his first sip, he hears a high pitched voice say, "Hey mister, I like your tie!" He looks around but has no idea where the voice is coming from.
"Hey mister, I like your shoes!" he hears the voice say again. He scans the bar and it doesn't appear the voice came from anyone in the room.
He takes another sip of his drink and hears the voice one more time, "Hey mister, I like your haircut!"
Frustrated, the man gets up and walks over to the bartender. "I keep hearing this high pitched voice! Where's it coming from!?"
The bartender looks up at the man and says, "Oh those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."
A coke seller
The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a problem I didn't know Arabic.
So I planned to convey this message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert. Second the man drinker cola and third man is totally refreshed. Then these posters were hanged everywhere there."
"That should have worked."said the friend.
He replied," well I didn't know Arabic neither realized that Arabs read from right to left...."
Baseball in Heaven
Two kids, Adam and John, absolutely love playing baseball. They play every day of their lives until years down the road Adam and John are now two old men who sit in the park feeding the birds and watching kids play baseball. One week later John passes away. Adam is sitting at the park alone when he hears Johns voice.
John -- Psst, Adam, its John.
Adam -- John buddy I miss ya! Hows heaven?
John -- Its great! But there is good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Adam -- The good news.
John -- There's baseball in heaven!
Adam -- That's great! What's the bad news?
John -- You're pitching next Monday.
Airman Jones was assigned
to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A Coca Cola salesman returns from his Middle East assignment...
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
Annual Snail Racing Day
It was annual snail racing day and so, all the snails elected Snail B to judge while Snails J, P and O help set up the course. All the other snails then got into their designated soapbox cars, which were painted with their letter.
Snail B yelled out four beeps, and on the last and higher pitched beep, all the snails started racing.
At one point of the race, Snail S's car hit a bump and flew off the track, with him in it. Snail S landed several feet away from his car, badly bruised, and called for help, but no one heard, for all his other snail friends were either racing or waiting at the finish line. After several tense moments, Snail S was picked up, but only to be cooked and eaten.
At the end of the race, Snail X came first, with Snail K second and Snail W third. After all the snails had crossed the finish line, everyone looked around and asked, "Where did the S car go?"
John von Neumann and Stanislaw Ulam are flying first class to Vienna...
... when suddenly the plan pitches forward and starts hurtling downward. Looking around, they see nobody else who knows what to do, so they enter the cockpit and find the pilot and copilot slumped over unconscious. Ulam sits down at the controls and starts looking them over. "Do something, do something!" screams von Neumann. "We're about to die!"
"Calm down and give me a minute," says Ulam. "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane!"
Some musician jokes
Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek?
A. No one would look for them.
Q. How can you tell if a stage is level?
A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides.
Q. How do you get two guitarists to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. How can you tell if a cello is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q. Why are musician jokes so short?
A. So the bassist can understand them.
Q. If a conductor and a watermelon are both dropped from a 24 story building, what hits the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. How can you keep your violin from being stolen?
A. Keep it in the violin case.
Selling war insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Baseball heaven?
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Football and accountancy in one joke
A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.
On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the ref.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - *Professional fowl*".
3 men are riding in an airplane over their city
3 guys were in a Cessna Airplane flying over the city they lived in. The first man said "I love my city so much, I'm gonna drop this 50 cent coin out the window for someone to find. That will make their day!" So he threw it out.
The second man pulled out a roll of coins and said "I love my city so much that I'll throw this whole roll of coins out the window! And he threw it out.
The third man hated his city, so he pulled out an incendiary grenade and said "I hate my city so much I'm dropping this out the window!" So he pulled the pin and pitched it.
Later that day, the third man was walking through the streets when he saw a little girl crying, so he asked her what was wrong. She said "both my dad and grandpa were hit by coins that fell out of the sky! Now my dads in the hospital with a coma and my grandpa got startled and had a heart attack!"
After the man consoled the little girl, he kept walking until he saw a boy rolling around laughing on the sidewalk in front of a pile of charred wood. When the man asked him what was so funny, the kid said
"I f**... and my house burst into flames!"
GI Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Military Benefits
Cpl. Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Cpl. Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided one day to stand in the back of the room to observe and listen to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the room full of new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government will pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which enlistees do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Baseball
Two old friends in their 80's John and Frank grew up together and always loved baseball since they were young. They went to the park everyday to feed the bids and talk about baseball.
One day, John turns to Frank and says, "Frank, do you think there is baseball in heaven?"
John think for a second then says, "Well how about this. Whichever one of us dies first will find out if there is
baseball in heaven, then come back as a ghost to tell the other one."
Frank agrees to this and they continue to feed the birds and talk.
Sadly, a few weeks later, Frank dies of a heart attack.
John kept going to the park to feed the birds, only now, he did it alone. After a few days, he hears a voice, "Joooooohn. Jooooooohn."
John is surprised at first, but then says, "Frank? Is that you?"
Frank responds, "Yeeesss. I've come back with good news and bad news."
John asks, "Oh my god Frank! I've missed you so much! What's the good news?"
Frank responds, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven."
John says, "Oh my god, that's amazing! What could possibly be the bad news?"
Frank says, "You're pitching on Friday."
