First Impressions Jokes

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Community Service

A blonde was sentenced to a couple weeks of community service for a small crime she commited. Once assigned to a supervisor, he explained to her that her job was to paint the yellow line in the middle of the roads. Her quota was 2 miles a day.
By the end of the first day, the blonde painted 4 miles of yellow lines. The supervisor was very impressed and gave her compliments on a job well done.
By the end of the second day, she had done a little over 2 miles. The supervisor was satisfied because at least she met her quota.
By the end of the third day, she'd only painted half a mile of yellow lines. The supervisor approached her to ask why she did so little compared to the previous 2 days. The blonde replies, "*Well I put the paint bucket at the start of the road and the further I paint, the longer it takes to walk back to the bucket to dip my paint brush.*"

Blonde Paint Job Warning:Long

A blonde,wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

The Jewish Samurai [Long]

The Emperor of Japan loses his most trusted bodyguard, and sends out a proclamation to the whole empire: Bring forth the best samurai to show their skills, so that they may guard my life.
Three samurai enter the throne room: A samurai from Edo, A samurai from osaka, and a jew.
The first samurai bows to the emperor, then opens up a matchbox. A single fly comes out, and flies up. The samurai swings his sword once, and the fly drops dead in two pieces. The emperor is impressed.
The second samurai bows, opens a matchbox, and a fly comes out. His sword swings twice, and the fly drops dead in four pieces. The emperor stands and claps, even more impressed.
The jew comes up, bows before the emperor, and opens a matchbox. A fly comes out, the jew puts on his glasses, then proceeds to chase the fly around the throne room, swinging wildly. After about 30 swings, the jew re-sheathes his sword, and the fly flies away. The emperor is confused, and asks: "Why is the fly not dead?"
The jew's response? "Circumcision isn't meant to kill."

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

My girlfriend told me this one

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....

The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"

Rent for the apartment!

A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:-

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Financial Planning like a pro

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told Dan he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father's one wish was to see Dan get married and settled before he passed on.
One evening, Dan went to a financial planning seminar, It was given by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was bright and personable to boot. Dan fell in love at first sight. He told her, "I may look pretty ordinary, but my father will probably die soon and I will inherit the family business and a large fortune. Impressed, the woman asked Dan for his business card, and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.

3 idiot brothers are trying out for a job as a police detective...

so the officer gives them a test. They are given a side profile head shot of a robber and they are asked how they will recognize him outside.
The first brother says, 'This guy has only one eye', the officer sighs and says that it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot.
The second brother says, 'This guy only has one ear', the officer sighs again and says it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot too.
The third brother thinks for a long while, and says 'He is wearing contacts'.
The officer is stunned by this sudden sign of clarity and checks his dossier. True enough, the robber does wear contacts. Impressed, he hires the third brother on the spot.
Curious to know how he figured out the robber wears contacts, the officer asks the third brother. The third brother flush with victory, responds haughtily, 'Why its simple really, if the man only has one ear and one eye, how can he wear glasses?'

Three guys are at a firing squad...

...and are being shot in public. The first guy, who is not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the firing squad. As they were getting ready to shoot the guy, he pointed behind the squad and yelled, "Avalanche!" The firing squad and the crowd fell for the trick, and as they turned their back, the guy ran away. The second guy did the same thing, but this time, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the firing squad and the crowd fell for it, and the guy ran away as they turned their back. The third guy was impressed, and decided to try the trick himself. As the squad was about to shoot him, he shouted out, "Fire!"

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.
End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.
Second day newbie comes back to the shop at the end of the day and tells the foreman he's done 4 miles. 'Not impressive.' The foreman thinks.
End of the third day the newbie tells his foreman he did one mile. The foreman has to ask, "The first day you did 10 miles, the second day you did 4, and today you only accomplished one measly mile? What gives?"
"Well," The newbie says, "Every day the paint can gets farther and farther away.

Three guys are at a firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, "Fire!"

Timbuktu

A Harvard grad and an Agricultural grad are competing for a bank job. The bank president is equally impressed with both candidates so he comes up with with a test to see how they think on there feet. He tells both candidates to write a poem using a word he will give them in 3 minutes to complete the task. Both candidates agree. The presidents say the word is "timbuktu". Go!!!
The Harvard grad starts writing immediately and finishes in a minutes while the Aggie has not written anything down. The president tells him time is half over just write something down. The Aggie frantically writes something and finishes just in time.
Since the Harvard grad finished first he will read his first and it went something like this.
Basting is the desert sun, Camels lined two by two, Destination timbuktu.
Impressed the president reads the Aggies.
A hunting Tim and I went, Spotted three lovelies in a tent, With the morning dew, I buck one and, Tim buck two
Aggie gets the job is you are worried about that.

Dad take his son to work.

Man who works at a sausage processing plant brings his ungrateful son to work to try and bond with him. The father shows his son around the factory trying to impress him in the hopes the boy will turn around and appreciate his father more.
After relentless failure the father tell his son, "I'm going to show you the coolest machine in the factory, and I'm the one who uses it." The son isn't phased one bit so off they go to the machine.
The father says "Behold son the linkPro 3000, All you do is throw a whole pig in this end and out comes freshly linked sausage! pretty cool aye?"
The boy replies "meh not really, why don't you have a machine that can make whole pigs when you put the sausage in first?"
The father replies "We do, its at home and you call her mom."

A Blonde With Paint

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Three mice are sitting at a bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

Another blonde joke.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

It's an Army Captain's first day as Company Commander.....

He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door. The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says "Come in."
A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking "Ok General, thanks for the invitation to dinner at your house. I'm excited to be here and thanks again for hand picking me to Command this unit. See you Friday night. bye."
He hangs up and looks at the private and says "Hey there, what can I do for you?"
The private says "Good morning Sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone. "

A psychiatrist is testing his patients

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6"
The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?"
The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money...

decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

American Businessman's First Visit to Japan

A successful American businessman heads to Japan to meet with a big supplier. Naturally, the Japanese are going to set him up with a good time and loads of entertainment. The first night, they go to Karaoke and a gorgeous young Karaoke hostess is sent back to the man's hotel room to entertain him further.
Despite her willingness, she still wants everything done with the lights off. As he is going at it, she is crying out "Oshimigaso, Oshimigaso", over and over.
When it is all said and done, he asks her, "What does Oshimigaso mean?"
"Oh," she says blushing, "it means 'fantastic' or 'incredible'."
The next morning, the businessman joins his Japanese hosts for a round of golf. Naturally.
On the fifth hole, the CEO of the Japanese company hits a hole-in-one.
Aiming to impress, the American cries out, "Oshimigaso, OSHIMIGASO!!".
The Japanese CEO replies, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

The old couple next door.

A young, friendly neighborhood couple were making their first visit to a very old couple next door. They were impressed by the way the old man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the young husband leaned over and said to the old man, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie.

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie. A few minutes into the movie, he asked her, "Can you see OK there?"
"Yes," she answered, "I can see fine, thanks."
A few seconds later, he asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"
"Yes," she replied, "it's very comfortable, thanks"
"You're not in any draught, are you?"
"No," she said, impressed by his attentiveness, "I can't feel a draught at all."
"Good," he said.
"Let's swap seats."

The CIA, Mi6, and KGB all meet for a competition [LONG]

Dropped off on a deserted island each team is tasked with the same mission. Go into the jungle and catch a rabbit. Fastest time wins.
The CIA team goes first, within 5 minutes they come out with a rabbit squirming around in hand. As the the other teams seem mildly impressed.
Next, the Mi6 team goes in and within 3 minutes They come out not only with one but 3 rabbits.
Finally the KGB goes in and within 30 seconds you hear this massive scuffle making its way through the jungle guns pointed and yelling and they pull out a massive elephant. As the elephant desperately yells, "I'm a rabbit, I'm rabbit!!!".

Three fishermen were out fishing when they suddenly came upon a mermaid.....

The mermaid offered them one wish each,
so the first fisherman said:
"Double my IQ!"
So the mermaid did and to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.
Then the second fisherman said:
"Triple my IQ!"
Sure enough the mermaid did and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't even know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his IQ.
The mermaid said, "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!"
The fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman.

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:
'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"
"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.
Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:
'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"
The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"
The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:
'MY GOD!'"