First Date Jokes
142 first date jokes and hilarious first date puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about first date that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest First Date Short Jokes
Short first date jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The first date humour may include short blind date jokes also.
- My wife asked me, Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating? So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents' house.
- My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father. But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.
- On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?' Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'
- At a First Date Conversation At a first date:
He: I work with animals every day!
She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?
He: I'm a butcher. - I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date... ...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.
- What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates 1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts. - [First Date] Her: I'm usually attracted to men with power. Me: That's great, I always pay my electric bill on time.
- I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person. I said "I'm a vegetarian."
- I rolled my first joint last night! Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(
- A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom's maiden name.
Then login and read all their emails.
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First Date One Liners
Which first date one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with first date? I can suggest the ones about bad date and first day at school.
- I had my first date last night! Such an underrated fruit.
- I always play jenga on a first date, That way she knows how strong my pull out game is.
- You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st It's the first date
- What does a necrophiliac bring to the first date with a girl? A shovel.
- What happens on the first date with Bill Cosby? I don't remember
- I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date. But she wasn't really Inuit.
- Where did Josh Duggar take his first Ashley Madison date? Subway
- What does a biologist wear on a first date? Designer Genes
- Always bring a cane to a first date. You never know, it might be blind love.
- Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date? Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough.
- Why'd the Titanic stop putting out on the first date? The iceberg had said 'just the tip'
- Whats the worst thing a woman could do a paraplegic on their the first date? Stand him up
- Whats the most important question to ask on a first date? Are you married?
- Ted Bundy was attractive, charming, intelligent... He always killed it on a first date.
- What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill.
Humorous First Date Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about first date you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean what to expect on a date with jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make first date pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about s**...? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Joe took his blind date, Kim, to the carnival...
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim, and so they ambled over to the 'guess-the-weight' stand. The owner guessed 121 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'guess-the-weight' stand they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
A guy goes on a blind date for the first time...
...And is kind of having a hard time getting a conversation started. He decides to try to get her to talk with a very simple topic: Music.
"Do you like dubstep?" He asks.
"Like it?" She responds, with an excited look on her face. "I wub it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Three Guys Are Getting Ready For Their Dates
The first guy pops a breath mint for his date so his breath smells good. Then the second guy starts chewing some gum so his breath smells good. Then the last guy starts eating onions and garlic. The others say "Don't you want to have nice smelling breath for your date?"
"Nah" he says, "The lips I'm kissing tonight already stink."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First Impressions
A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
The Carnival Date
Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.
"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the worst thing you can tell a g**... the first date?
There are only going to be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus
A farmer had three daughters...
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
Football with a blonde girlfriend
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I dont have s**... on the first date
unless it's an option
A job interview is a lot like a first date
The major differences being that you have no interest in sleeping with the other person and you'll end up making a lot of money if things go well. So basically, a job interview is exactly like a first date for a woman.
Why is it fun to date teachers?
Because if you don't get it right the first time they make you do it again ;)
Hot Date:
Girl: Sorry, I don't put out on the first date.
Me: [on fire] I respect that in a woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know what the number one leading cause of p**... is, right?
s**... kids.
(Pro Tip: I tell this to every single one of my First Dates. It's my Late 20s testing threshold for whether or not they'll tolerate me for very long.)
I was on a first date.
"How many women have you slept with?" she asked.
I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten?"
"Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed.
I said, "0."
A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date
The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.
The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."
The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.
They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.
In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.
The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My black girlfriend told me this on our first date.
What do you call 200 black people in a barn?
Antique farm equipment.
I dated this metal chick once
It was all cool for the first month, but then she started to rust.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On a first date:
Her - So what do you do?
Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.
Her - Wow, that's impressive!
Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons.
I always go to mini golf on the first date
That way she is used to things being smaller than normal.
A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...
"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.
"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.
"Great! have fun" says the mom
"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.
"Have a ball!" says the mother
"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter
"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother
My first blind date.
My friend set me up on a blind date and all I had was the phone number of the guy I was supposed to meet. So I call him up and ask how will I recognize him?
"I am 175cm tall and weigh 75kg and I will be standing in the corner. What about you?"
I replied, "Well, I guess I will be the one with a tape measure and a bathroom scale..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You never know how far you're going to get with a g**... a first date.
To break the ice I go in for a tickle. It's a good bet your going to have a good night if she doesn't mind some contact with a test-tickle.
People say the hardest part of the first date is the first kiss.
No idea what they mean, the hardest part of my first date was getting her to take the sleeping pills.
My girlfriend just emailed me a photo of us on our first date together. It's a very treasured memory for me. Problem is, the file wont open on my computer.
I guess I have emotional attachment issues.
I took a girl to Fight Club. Terrible place for a first date.
We had nothing to talk about.
A boy asks a girl to the prom and she says yes.
He goes to organise a limo at the rental limo place and due to everyone else wanting a limo for the prom he has to wait in line for ages to get one.
He then goes to the flower store to buy her some flowers but again everyone is there buying flowers and he's stuck in line for seems like hours.
After flowers he goes to get his tuxedo at the store and the line is huge again with everyone else getting their tux's too.
He finally makes it to the prom with his date, they arrive and he asks if she wants to go onto the dance floor. She says "I'm a little thirsty, can I get some punch first?" He says "ok" and goes up to get some punch and there is no punchline.
I tried to date this super-patriotic Chinese girl. She came to the first date wearing a custom cape.
It was a huge red flag.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First I dated a seventh day adventist and then a m**...
I told my mom that im not just in it for the sects but she doesn't believe me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A job interview is like a first date.
You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get s**....
A girl is on a date at the town fair with a good looking guy.
He asks what do you want to do first. She replies "Get weighed". He says OK and they proceed to go to the scale. When they're done, he says "What do you want to do next?" She says "Get weighed". Once again she hops on the scale. Getting frustrated, the guy says one more time "What do you want to do next?" She replied "Get weighed" again. At this, the guy skips the rest of the fair and drops the girl off at her house. Her mom comes out and says "How was your date?" The girl replies "Wousy".
I told my first date to meet me at Starbucks because I forgot her name
But the date went horribly wrong since Starbucks got her name wrong.
I used to date a blind girl
At first, I was so excited that she told me she'd been seeing people
I went on my very first date today...
...we were enjoying a lovely dinner while talking about our lives, until she excused herself to use the washroom. It's remarkable how women can stay in there for two hours!
Lets pretend
My wife on our last date:
lets pretend its 25 years ago, we don't have kids at home and we are out on a first date
Me: Im sorry. I dont think this is going to work.
A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date
A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How you treat the wait staff on a first date
Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.
So now when I'm on a first date, I have s**... with the waitress.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she knew I was cheating.
Never should've dated a teacher in the first place.
I was on a first date last night.
We were at a bar and when i looked at her i couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I started to go weak at the knees and sweat all over my forehead.
It was only then i realised, that i drugged the wrong drink.
There once was a farmer with three daughters.
They were all going on their first date at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, grabbed a shotgun and stood by the door. The first guy came to the door and said
"Hi, my names Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready too go?"
The farmer thought he was ok, so they went out.
The next boy came and said
"Hi, my names Kenny, I'm here for Benny, we are going to Denny's, is she ready?
The farmer thought he was ok too, so they went off. The last boy came and said
"Hi, my names Chuck-"
The farmer shot him in the chest.
I asked this woman on a date, and I asked her if she wanted to try my meatballs and sauseage.
Apparently, you're supposed to tell her you're a chef first.
Little known fact about the first pie eating contest ...
It started March 14, 1592.
It hasn't stopped.
Edit - fixed the date
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with me is like a cancelled first date
It's over before it even started.
I've been dating this girl whose psycho ex-boyfriend is a plumber.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
First Date
*On a first date*
Inner me: okay don't let them know you stalked them online
Them: my aunt-
Me: Martha or Susan?
I had my first date in high school.
I'm happy home economics introduced me to such a delicious fruit.
What is a serial killer's favourite muesli topping?
Chopped dates!!
(first joke I've ever come up with)
Today, I went out on my first date.
I had to cut it short after my mom forced me to get off roblox.
Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]
When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a happy medium. (But in the end it didn't work out, she said she couldn't see a future together.)
I asked out a Russian girl.....
I asked out a Russian girl, not with anything very serious in mind. She said yes.
However, on our first date, she insisted that we went to see a Russian movie, and then eat at a Russian restaurant. She then took me to see her Russian family, and told me about how she was going to take me to see the rest of her family in Russia.
At this point, I had to stop her. "Please", I said, "just stop Russian things!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One v**..., please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve v**....
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
A son asks his dad:"Dad, why is my sisters name Rose?"
The dad answers: "Well it's because on our first date, I gave your mother roses, and she has loved them ever since."
Son: "Wow, thanks dad!"
Dad: "No problem, Bj."
What's the most popular first date spot in Alabama?
Olive Garden: when you're here, you're family.
A couple on the first date.
She: What are your hobbies?
He (gets a stuffed hamster out of his pocket): Taxidermy.
Hamster: And ventriloquism!
A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary.
They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love.
He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than when we first started to date!"
She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago."
Reminiscing on our anniversary
My wife and I just had our 10th anniversary. We had some friends over to celebrate with and they asked us to talk about how we met. On our first 8 dates we just went out to different restaurants, but the next time we got tickets to see the premiere of The Dark Knight.
So I guess we could summarize our dating history as dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
There once was a beautiful Chihuahua and she had 3 Chihuahua suitors. She told them she would date the one who could most creatively use the words Liver and Cheese in a sentence.
The first Chihuahua said he likes his liver with a little cheese.
The second Chihuahua said he likes his cheese with a little liver.
The third Chihuahua said, Liver alone! Cheese Mine!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man on his first date.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s**... when the girl stopped. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**.... The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…
First Date
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.
Turns out she was just being Koi.
As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...
She said let's see how the date goes first
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
10 years ago today, I asked my high school sweetheart out on our first date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
Both times she said no :(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.
She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had s**...?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a man knows a womens eye colour after the first date
She has small b**....
It was mine and my wife's 25th wedding anniversary the other day and she said to me "Did you know i wore this on our first date and it still fits me"...
I said "Its a scarf"...
