First Born Jokes

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.
And they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He’s a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad, dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He’s a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me…" says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "They blow up so fast, don’t they?"

Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.”
“Cool,” says the second kid.” “What are you in here for?”
“A circumcision.”
“Whoa!” exclaims the second kid. “Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”

"Daddy! How was I born?" Junior asks his dad,

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!

Presurgery discussions

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy!
I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year.

Missing some parts (not for the easily offended)

A couple are in a hospital waiting to see their newly born child for the first time, when the doctor comes in and says; "I'm afraid I've got some bad news." The couple look shocked. "Your baby seems to be missing some parts; follow me." The couple follow the doctor down the hall into a room of newly born babies. First, they approach a baby with no arms. The wife screams, "Oh God! Is this my baby?" The doctor says, "no, keep following". Next the couple approach a baby with no arms or legs. The husband asks, "Please doc, is this our baby?". Again, the doctor says, "no. Follow me" Next they get to a baby that is just a head. The wife, almost hysterical now, proclaims, "I can't take this; how am I supposed to look after a head?" The doctor, beginning to anger, says, "Please Mrs Smith. This baby is not yours; I'll tell you when it is your child." Finally the doctor reaches the last baby. He announces, "This, is your child." The baby is just an eye. The couple immediately break down crying. The doctor then says, "And I'm afraid I've got some more bad news;
he's blind."

Kids Today

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly.

'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers.

'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

21 years ago a man was born without a body...

He was only a head. Miraculously he survived his birth and lived 21 years of his life as just a head without a body.
On his 21st birthday his father decided he would take his son out for his first alcoholic beverage. They went to a bar together and the father asked the bartender for 2 cold beers.
He helped his son drink the first sip of the beer and suddenly his son grew a torso. He became very excited and took another sip from his beverage. This time he grew an arm. He kept on drinking his beer until he had gained every single part of his body.
The son became so excited that he started to jump up and down and dance in the middle of the bar. He ran out the door with his arms lifted towards the sky and danced in the streets. He then got hit by oncoming traffic and died.
Moral of the story: You should always stop while you're still a head.

Two men sitting at a bar...

Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey! The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?
I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman! The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, By chance, did you happen to live near Dublin?
Aye Sir, born and raised there! Another round Bartender! exclaimed the first. Downing the whiskey together, the first looks at the second and says, As unlikely as it seems, by chance you didn't go to St. John's College in Dublin did you?
Jesus Mary and Joseph I did sir! Another two for my friend and me! A regular walks into the bar and sits down next to the pair. The bartender pours him his usual beer and the man asks, How's the bar doing tonight, anything new going on? The bartender replies, Nothing new pal, just the O'Malley brothers drunk again.

Texas: The Miracle State

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."

There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family...

There is this Jewish boy who was born into a nice family. He was a very smart boy, but he never did well in school because he lacked motivation. His parents tried everything: meeting with his teachers, one on one tutoring, etc.; however, nothing seemed to help. Eventually, they decided to send him to a private school, thinking a different environment would him good. Unfortunately, there are not many Jewish private schools, so they had to settle on sending him to a Catholic school. Surprisingly, this worked. The parents got his first report card and were astounded: all A's. The parents wondered what brought about the change. They said to their son "You made all A's! Even in math! (previously his worst subject) what changed?" The son replied "When I walked in on the first day and saw the Jewish guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

The Daughters Names

One day, a little girl ran up to her Father.
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!! Why did you call me Rose?"
The father smiled and picked her up on his knee.
"You see, when you were born, and we brought you home, the first thing that touched your head was a rose petal. So we decided to call you rose." The little girl smiled sweetly and giggled.
"That's sweet daddy! Thank you!" She rushes off as her sister runs up to her Father.
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!! Why did you call me Sunflower?"
The father smiled and picked her up on his knee.
"You see, when you were born, and we brought you home, the first thing that touched your head was a sunflower seed. So we decided to call you Sunflower." The little girl smiled sweetly and giggled.
"That's sweet daddy!! Thank you!" As the little girl toddled off, her sister ran up.
"gyshYgsgdhhfocksnIAJDKF!!" The dad looked at her and said:
"Shut up, Cinder Block, and go back to your room!!"

There was once a man born with no arms...

So his family gave him to the local church. At first they had a hard time figuring out what to do with an armless guy, so they just had him teach choir. But one day, It was time for mass, and no one was there except the armless man. He knew the bell had to be rung to summon the people, so he walked up the stairs to the bell tower. After contemplating for a bit, he ran straight up to the bell and rung it with his face. When the minister and everyone else returned, they were so amazed with his performance that they designated him the official bell ringer. So he went on like that every day, slamming his face into the bell to ring it. One day, however, he slipped and fell off the bell tower to his death. Citizens crowded around him in horror. "does anyone know this armless guy?" a man called out. " I'm not sure," said another guy, " but his face sure rings a bell."

My favorite kids joke

One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:
"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"
"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we names you after that."
Rain Drop excited tells his brother and sister. Her sister, Snow Flake, asks her father:
"Father, why did you name me Snow Flake?"
"It was December 21, and you were just born that morning. Your mother and I took you outside from the warm hospital to the cold winter weather. As we let you see the sky a tender snow flake falls and vanishes in your pink lips. And that's why we named you Snow Flake"

Then bowling ball asks the mom
"Wysfodletlkqsquipeso!?"

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.
The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.
The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.
Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"
"He confessed"

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.
So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

There were 3 siblings...

The first kid, Rose, comes to their mom:
Mommy, why my name is Rose?
Mom: Because when you were born, a little rose landed in your forehead...
The second one, Plumy:
And why my name is Plumy, mommy?
Mom: Because when you were born a lil plume landed in your forehead...
Then comes Bricky:
AAAHHNSBALDU BRADUBLA BRUBDULO AHUE?

Three little girls are sitting with their mother and talking about their lives.

The first girl says, "Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"
"Well, sweety", replies the mother, "It's because when you were born, a rose fell on your face and we decided to name you after that".
The second girl says, "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
"Well, honey", replies the mother, "It's because when you were born, a daisy fell on your face and we decided to name you after that".
The third girl says, "AHHAGHHBHGGHHGH"
And the mother says "yes, Fridge, I love you too"

Kids in a hospital

Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about.  I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.  Couldn't walk for a year!"