First Born Jokes
116 first born jokes and hilarious first born puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about first born that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest First Born Short Jokes
Short first born jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The first born humour may include short last born jokes also.
- I was tickling my brothers feet last night... ...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.
- I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead. Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
- My first memory occurred 9 months before I was born... ...I remember going to this party with my dad but then i went home with my mom.
- I named my first son Ready On his first birthday, I changed his name to Freddy. Nowadays, people ask him, "Are you ready, Freddy?" And he replies, "I was born Ready."
- What will beyonce say after her first twin is born? I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute - I'd say it's unfair that kids born into antivax families have to grow up believing that kind of stupidity is okay... ...but that problem sorta solves itself after the first few years, doesn't it...?
- I became the world's greatest magician when I was born My first trick was making my father disappear.
- My wife was so angry today. She said that she'll never public breastfeed anymore. She also told me that she'll do it only after our first child is born.
- After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born 'No Pun'. That way they'll certainly be aware that they weren't intended.
- I'm gonna name my first born son "Phones" So when the stewardess asks if he "would like some headphones" he can answer "Absolutely!"
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First Born One Liners
Which first born one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with first born? I can suggest the ones about second born and birth order.
- When a programmer is born, what are their first words? "Hello world!"
- What did Saint Peter name his first born son? Saint Repeater
- The U.S. will soon have the first first lady that was not born in the U.S. Vladimir Putin
- My first son, Killian, was just born. Say hi to the world's newest Killianaire.
- Was Jesus Christ the first born again christian?
- Whats the first word a swede says after its born? wouaaa wouaaa wu wu welcome refugees
- What do you call Figrin D'an's first born boy? Son of a Bith!
- Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
- Chuck Norris was born feet first.
It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth. - I was actually born the first of April...
- What do you call a baby born feet first? a c-section.
- Why do doctors s**... babies when they are first born? The p**... fall off the dumb ones.
First Born Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about first born you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean baby born jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make first born pranks.
A group of revolutionaries hired a Swiss watch maker to build a clock that would chime when the overthrow began.
And the worlds first Coup Coup Clock was born...
Three Daughters
One day, three daughters were spending time with their father when a question arised from the first daughter.
"Father, Why is my name, Rose?", she asked.
"When you were born, a Rose dropped on your head, and so we decided to name you Rose", explained the father.
The second daughter then approached her father:
"Father, Why is my name Daisy?" - she asked.
"When you were born, a Daisy fell on your head, and therefore we decided to name you Daisy."
Lastly, the third daughter then approached her father:
"duuuuh, uh, duh, bur bur, mur duh ah"
The father then replied: "Shut up Cinderblock."
There was a father with three daughters...
The first daughter came up to him and said, "Dad, why is my name daisy?"
He replies, "because when you were born a daisy fell on your head."
The second daughter comes up to him and asks the same, "Dad, why is my name lily?"
"When you were born, a lily pad fell on your head."
The third daughter walks up to him and says, "MAUUUNGUNNFFFAUUUUUUU!"
"Shut up Brick!"
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
The first thing that landed on your head when you were born.
A mother has Three children, two girls and a boy. One girl ask her mother "Mom, why am I named Lilly?" The mom said "Because when you were born a Lilly landed on your head." The second girl ask "Mom, why am I named Rose?" the mother replied "Because when you were born a Rose landed on your head." then the boy sais "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "SHUT UP BRICK!"
Texas: The Miracle State
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
There's a man with three daughters
There's a man with three daughters.
The first daughter comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Daisy" the dad says" 'cause when you were born a daisy fell on your head."
The second daughter comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Rose" the dad says "'cause when you were born a rose fell on your head."
The third daughter comes up and says "kjaglifvgjlfj" the dad says "SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK"
*Edit 1: removed hair color
A woman is going through labour...
...but there is a b**... and her car isn't working. Her husband attempts to deliver the baby. Their young daughter is asked to hold a torch so that her father can see.
After a long and stressful procedure, the baby boy is born. The man spanks the newly born child and the baby starts crying. The mother asks the daughter about what she just saw.
"s**... him again, he shouldn't of crawled up there in the first place."
A Native American boy goes up to his father and asks him how they are given their names...
"Father, how are our names chosen?"
"Well, when a baby is born, the father walks out of the tent, and the first thing he sees, he names his new son.
If he sees a bird flying, he names 'flying bird'. A deer jumping? 'Jumping Deer'.
So tell me, young Sheep-a-Shittin', why do you ask?"
How Kids Got Their Names
3 Kids are taking about how they got their names, and why their parents named as such.
The first one, a girl named "Rose" says "I was named Rose, because when I was born my parents dropped rose pedals on me."
The second one, a boy named "Ash" says "I was named Ash, because wedge I was born my parents dropped ashes on me."
The third one, a boy named "Brick" says "AHHHUUUUAUUAUUAAAA HUUAAA HURRRR"
The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.
A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.
The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.
The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.
Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"
"He confessed"
A cow is talking to her three calves
The first calf asks "Why is my name Daisy?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell onto your head, sweetie."
The second calf asks "Why is my name Rose?"
The cow replies, "When you were born, a rose fell onto your head, dear."
The third calf says "Hargendflarfrebargen"
"Shut it, Cinderblock!"
Daddy, How Was I Born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room onYahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googledeach other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
3 Daughters
So there was a guy who had three Beautiful Daughters with exquisite names. One day they all got curious as to how they came to be with these names so they decided to ask. The first one walks in and politely asked "daddy how did you come to naming me Rose?" He replied "well when you were born a rose petal fell on your head and so it just was." Satisfied, she left and the second daughter came in and asked "Daddy, how did you come to naming me Daisy?" To which he replied "well darling when you were born some daisy petals rained down on you and so it was." Satisfied she left and the third daughter walks in she says "bwalalaladadahaha" to which the father replies "shut up Cinder Block!"
There was a Mexican boy born with two d**.... He named the first one Jose. What did he name the second one?
Hose B
3 little girls walk up to their father
The first little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you rose."
The second little girl asks, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
and the dad says, "because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head, so we decided to call you Lily."
The third little girl says, "hurdddurflbbbbb dur."
and the dad says, "shut up Cinderblock."
On my first day at school, me and my twin sister were put in the same English class.
The teacher then asked everyone to give one interesting fact about themselves.
'I'm actually a twin, and me and Jem were born on the 23rd of February making us Pisces.' I said.
'Jem and I' responded the teacher.
'No, definitely Pisces' I said.
A young native child asks his father...
"Father, where did I get my name?"
To which the father replied, "well son, we name our children after the first thing we see when we come out of the teepee when you are born. That is why your sister is named Running River..."
"Oh, like how we live near the river!" the son chimed in. "But father, why am I named Twod Ogsfucking"
The brain
The brain is a amazing o**... it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman n**....
A boy was born without a body
A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he'**... by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"
A man travels to an island...
A person travelling remarks on how healthy the locals look, and an attractive man says, "Yes, it's the island. When I first arrived I was bald, didn't have teeth, and couldn't walk -- but now look at me."
The traveler: "Wow... That's amazing. So where are you from?"
"I was born here"
Credit to /u/TheNightWind.
A mother has 3 kids
A mother has 3 kids.
The first kid goes up to her mom and says,
"Mommy, why I am I named petal?"
The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"
The mom says, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Finally, the third child comes up and says, "My favorite color is potato."
"SHUT UP BRICK"
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
911
Worker > ,What's your emergency?
Man > My wife is going to give birth!
Worker > Is this her first born?
Man > No,it's her husband
*Ba Dum Tss*
A father with three daughters
is sitting down for dinner when the first of his daughters asks, "dad why is my name Daisy?". The father replies, "because when you were born a daisy petal from the sky and landed on your head."
The second daughter asks, "dad why is my name Rose?" The father replies, "Well Rose, when you were a baby a rose petal fell from on high and landed on your head."
The third daughter asks, "bllaaarrarararraraaarg" and the father replies, "shut up, cinder-block"
Having a Daughter
Daughter: "Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?"
Dad: "When you're a year older than your brother."
The daughter thought for a moment and replied: "But I'll never be older than my brother, he was born first."
Dad: "I guess there's your answer. But don't blame me, go talk to your brother."
First baby born with DNA from 3 people
This week the world's first baby was born with DNA from three different people using a new controversial technique developed by US scientists. The baby will be featured in the upcoming episode of Maury and spoiler alert, they're both the father.
Two men after finding Canada are decided what to name it
The first man says let's put all the letters of the alphabet in a bag and the ones we pick out will be what we name it, eh? The second man starts pulling letters out of a bag he says, " C, eh, N, eh, D, eh" and then Canada was born
A father was sitting at the table with his two daughters
Petal and Fridge.
Petal said, "Dad, why is my name Petal?"
Her dad answered, "Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born."
Then Fridge said, "HUURRGRRUWAHGUWAAAAAH!"
A Native American child asks his father how they choose children's names.
Father - "After you are born, we open the tepee and the first thing we see is what we name you. Like your eldest brother, Soaring Eagle, your sister, Falling Leaves, and your little brother, Grizzly Cub. Why do you ask Two Dogs h**...?"
Getting Dad-zoned
Seeing a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar, a man walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."
Three men are arguing 'when does life begin'
The first man goes, "At the time of conception."
The second man argues, "No, it is when the baby is born."
The the man tells them all, "No, no, no, no -- You have it all wrong. Life begins when the wife takes the children and they all leave for vacation."
Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke
Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?
Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.
Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.
Me: Did you give it back?
Wife: ...
Son of chief: "Father, how are we named?"
Chief: "After you are born, your mother looks out of the teepee and names you the first thing she sees."
Son: "Oh wow, is that how you were named Soaring Eagle?"
Chief: "Yes, Horse Taking Dump"
Three kids are in a park with their father
The first child approaches the father and asks,
"Dad, why am I named Dandy?"
Father responds,
"Because a dandelion fell on your head when you were born."
Second kid comes up and asks
"Dad, why am I named Rose?"
Dad responds,
"Because a rose fell on your head when you were born."
Third kid runs up screaming,
"HRJSOAOSBRBRJFIDISOSBBPPPBFFFSSSS"
Dad gets up and shouts at the third one, causing a scene,
"SHUT UP BRICK!"
Two boys were peeing up a wall, the first boy looks at the second and says "Why does your thing look different than mine?"
The second boy says " I've been circumsized "
And the first boy asked "What's that?"
the second boy replies " Well on the day I was born they cut the skin off"
The first boy says " Oh my god! Did it hurt"
And the second boy replies " DID IT HURT!! I couldn't walk for eighteen months!!"
A bottle of Scotch
An old Scotsman is lying on his deathbed, and he gasped out one last request. He says to his friend who's at his bedside:"Remember that fine old bottle of Scotch me father bought on the day I was born, that I've saved all these many years?". His friend shakes his head "yes". The old man says:"Would ya do me a great favor, and pour it over me grave when I'm gone?". His friend replies:"Surely lad, but do ya mind if I strain it through me kidneys first?".
A rare white koala was born yesterday in an Australian zoo.
At first they thought it was an albino, but realized that it didn't meet the koalifications.
What Are You Here For?
Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. What are you here for? asked the first child.
I'm here to get my tonsils removed, says the second child.
Don't worry, the first child says. I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!
The second child asks the first child, What are you're here for?
I'm here for a circumcision, says the first child.
Oh my God, says the second child. I had that done when I was born, I did not walk for a year!
Macduff was on his deathbed.
He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."
Macleod nodded solemnly, and then asked,
"Can I filter it through my kidneys first?'
Alcohol may be the reason you don't have a dad,
but it's also the reason you were born in the first place.
There were 3 siblings...
The first kid, Rose, comes to their mom:
Mommy, why my name is Rose?
Mom: Because when you were born, a little rose landed in your forehead...
The second one, Plumy:
And why my name is Plumy, mommy?
Mom: Because when you were born a lil plume landed in your forehead...
Then comes Bricky:
AAAHHNSBALDU BRADUBLA BRUBDULO AHUE?
2018 will be the first year that you see people born in the year 2000 in a s**... tape....
Next years are even better, trust me.
I love quadratic equations so much I would give up my first born child for it
and that's not a hyperbola
A married couple goes to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
The doctor comes in and tells her, "I've got good news and bad news" Worried, the woman asks for the bad news first. He says, "I'm sorry but your baby was born a ginger." The woman responds,"That is bad news, but I suppose I can get used to it. What's the good news?"
"It's dead!"
Three kids named Raindrop, Snowflake and Brick are in school on the first day.
Three kids named Raindrop, Snowflake and Brick are in school on the first day. The teacher asks Raindrop "Why is your name Raindrop?"
"Because when I was born, a raindrop fell on my head."
Then she asks Snowflake "Why is your name Snowflake?"
"Because when I was born, a snowflake fell on my head."
Then she asks Brick "Why is your name Brick?"
"Muuuhggaahhh!"
There's probably twin girls somewhere, born recently. The first one's name is Laurel,
while the second one's name is Laurel.
A Native American boy goes to his chief with a question
Chief Running Bear, where do our names come from?
The Chief replied, You are named after the first thing we see in nature after you are born. Soon after I was born, my chief saw a bear running through the trees, so I am named Running Bear. Why do you ask, Two Dogs h**...?
A father and a mother have three children. One day the first child comes up and says...
"Father. Mother. Why is my name Rose?"
And the Father says, "When you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." The child nods and goes away the second oldest then starts wondering about her name so she goes up to her father.
"Father why is my name Raina?"
"Because when you were born a rain drop fell on your head."
Then the third child comes up. "Ruuuuhhhhh hahdiehakidonw"
"SHUT UP, BRICK!!!!!"
My 3rd and 5th child have innie belly b**.... My first born has an outie.
I guess he's the odd one out.
Three little girls are sitting with their mother and talking about their lives.
The first girl says, "Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"
"Well, sweety", replies the mother, "It's because when you were born, a rose fell on your face and we decided to name you after that".
The second girl says, "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
"Well, honey", replies the mother, "It's because when you were born, a daisy fell on your face and we decided to name you after that".
The third girl says, "AHHAGHHBHGGHHGH"
And the mother says "yes, Fridge, I love you too"
A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised...
A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised. He meets with a pediatrician who says "ya know we used to use the f**... from the circumcision to do skin transplants for kids born without eyelids... But we had to stop because they started coming out cockeyed"
911 what's your emergency?
Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No this is her husband.
A husband's wife is going into labour, so he decides to call 911...
Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No this is her husband.
Why is every 'christian' a 'born again christian' ?
Because unlike Jesus they never crossed over to the next world in the first place.
The happiest day of my life was the day my first son was born
This upset my nine-year-old daughter
In less than 9 months, we will have a first of it's kind rare moment...
The very first Schumer baby whale will be born, first of kind.
Ernie's baby
My friend Ernest III had his first born, a little boy. But it was born out of wedlock, so he named it "insincere".
If Hunter Renfrow has another game against Alabama like the last two championships, I've decided that I'm going to name my first born child after him.
Hopefully, Jessica will adapt to the new name.
There are three things you can't chose in life
1. Your family
2. The country you're born in
3. President of Russia
*I'm not sure if I saw this here first.
In what way is Donald Trump a historic President?
For people born after 2008, he's their first white president.
4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit ...
... as they await news on their wives' who are having babies
The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George."
The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew."
The Welshman said, "My boy was born on St David's Day, and I just had to call him David!"
The Irishman spoke up, "Ah, sure, it was just the same with our Pancake!"
There were three sisters and all were wondering how they got their names
So the first one goes, mommy, why is my name rose? Mom says, because a rose fell on your head when you were born second sister says, mommy, why is my name tiara? Mom says, because a tiara fell on your head when u were born . The last sister goes, BLAHWARADURGABAAAA!! And the mom says, shut up BRICK!!