First Birthday Jokes

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.
She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants.
So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea.
Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled!"
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion?
How did it turn out?"
"She loved it.
She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl.

One day she told him that the next day was her birthday.
He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present.
She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy.
She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present.
She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy.
She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking.
The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.
Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in.
Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there.
So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.
So the man c**... says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia..

...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.
The sheik steps forward and announces:
"Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."
The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward.
"First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20."
The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?"
"Tie the Aussie to my back."

birthday

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

"Poor Kid"

A couple is due to have a child. The day finally comes and the wife has the child but it comes out with just a head. The couple are a little let down by it, but they are determined to give that head the best life it could live. They give it all its shots, feed it, and nurture it. The head comes up on its 21st birthday when the dad wants to take him out for a drink. They get to the bar and the father orders a couple beers. He helps the head down its first beer when it grows a neck. The father is shocked, so he orders another beer and gives it to the head and it grows some shoulders. The father keeps giving the head more and more beers until it grows a full body. The kid, so excited to have a complete body, is just running around dancing with wild drunken joy, and he runs out into the street only to get hit by a bus. The bartender says to the father "aw, poor kid; should have quit while he was a-head."

21 years ago a man was born without a body...

He was only a head. Miraculously he survived his birth and lived 21 years of his life as just a head without a body.
On his 21st birthday his father decided he would take his son out for his first alcoholic beverage. They went to a bar together and the father asked the bartender for 2 cold beers.
He helped his son drink the first sip of the beer and suddenly his son grew a torso. He became very excited and took another sip from his beverage. This time he grew an arm. He kept on drinking his beer until he had gained every single part of his body.
The son became so excited that he started to jump up and down and dance in the middle of the bar. He ran out the door with his arms lifted towards the sky and danced in the streets. He then got hit by oncoming traffic and died.
Moral of the story: You should always stop while you're still a head.

p**...'s 18th birthday

p**... had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when p**...'s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal m**..., took a boat out to the middle of the lake, p**..., stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
m**... just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, p**... went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him "
Granny looked deeply into p**...'s, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

Oscar

• Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius
• She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
• Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
• When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
• Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for m**....
• Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
• I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
• What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
• Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
• A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
• I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.
• Police have found a list of 20 other women that Pistorius planned to kill, they are calling it shinless list.
• And the Oscar goes to....... Prison.

The Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Four guys were golfing when one gets a phone call and walks away

The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons have been. The first guy explains how his son started as an entry level stock broker, but now owns his own wealth management firm. The last time he got a friend a gift, he gave him a half-million dollar investment portfolio. The second guy then brags about his son. My son is so successful, he started out as a used car salesman but now owns his own dealership. He recently gave a friend a brand new Bentley as a birthday gift. The third guy, not to be outdone, says that his son started as a carpenter but now owns a construction company. The last gift he gave a friend was a brand new house. At this point, the fourth guy returns from his call. The other gentleman ask about his son, to which he replies "Well, I'm not too pleased with my son right now. He has been unemployed for the last year and a half, and he recently told me he is gay." As the other men look at him in horror, he continues "But he must be really good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends gave him a huge stock portfolio, and new luxury car, and a brand new house."

A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,

and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.
The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said, "I bet this is candy" and Molly nods her head. Sure enough, inside the box is candy.
The third present she picks up is from the local liquor store owner, Joe. She looks at the box, which is leaking. " I bet this is a bottle of liquor" she says.
"Nope" says Joe.
The woman dabs some of the liquid on her finger and tastes it. "Oh, I know what this is, it's champagne!"
"No" says Joe.
The woman, frustrated, puts the box to her mouth and slurps off as much liquid as she can. "I have no idea. What did you get me, Joe?"
"A puppy."

21st birthday

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.
On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his t**... - and p**...! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.
His friends are stunned. "Quick, get him another one!" So one of them helps him drink another beer - and p**...! Two arms pop out of the torso.
Amazed, they order another beer, which the boy (now having arms) proudly drinks all by himself. p**...! Two legs pop out of the torso. All his friends cheer as the guy gets up to take a few steps. But he's unsteady on his new legs - not helped by three beers in rapid succession - and after a few steps he stumbles through the front door and into the street, and gets flattened by a bus.
"Bummer," says one of the guys in the bar. "He should have quit while he was ahead."

So 4 guys are talking in a bar.

So 4 guys are talking in a bar, one leaves to go to the restroom while the others continue to talk. They start talking about the success of their sons, the first man says "my son's car company is so successful he was able to get his best friend a new Ferrari for his birthday." The second man boasts "well my son's real estate company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third man says "my son's airline company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a private jet for his birthday. The forth man comes back from the restroom and asks what everyone is talking about, they reply back "we're just talking about the success of our sons." The forth man says "oh, my son is a gay stripper," the other three men feel sorry for him and apologize, but the forth man simply says "don't worry about it, it's not that bad, for his birthday he got a new ferrari, house, and a private jet from his three boyfriends."

Tortoises's Birthday

All the animals in the jungle were gathered to celebrate the tortoises birthday. The lion suggested that the animals each tell their funniest joke to the tortoise so he could have a nice laugh. He also said that if their joke did not make the tortoise laugh, he would eat them. So the monkey went first and told the funniest joke he knew and everyone laughed... Except the tortoise. So the lion ate him. The gazelle was next and nervously told her funniest joke. Again everyone laughed but the tortoise so the lion ate the gazelle. After a few more times of this happening it seemed the tortoise didn't find any of the jokes funny. It was the rabbits turn and he told the funniest joke any of the animals had ever heard, but the tortoise would still not laugh. The lion was starting to get a little annoyed that the tortoise wasn't laughing. Finally it was board turn and he told a mediocre joke and only got a few laughs. However, the tortoise started laughing hysterically. The lion, confused, asked the tortoise how he found the boar's joke funny but not the other ones. The tortoise said "No...I just got the monkey's joke."

A couple has a child, but it comes out as only a head...

They go home and place the head on their living room table, where they care for it, feeding, teaching, and entertaining it. For twenty one years they do this.
Then, on the child's twenty-first birthday, the father decides that he wants to take his son out for a drink, so he moves the head to his car and drives it down to the bar.
There, the father tells the bartender to give him two shots. After downing one, he raises the second glass to his son's lips, and the head downs the beer in just a second. Suddenly, a torso appears below the head.
"Bartender! Gimme another shot!" The father yells excitedly. After downing that one as well, the rest of the body appears, and the father is ecstatic.
"Bartender! Gimme one more shot for good luck and to celebrate!" The father yells, amazed at this unexpected sequence of events. As the first bit of alcohol reaches the son's lips, he vanishes completely.
The father, distraught, doesn't know what to do. The bartender shakes his head and says, "Should've quit while he was a head."

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...
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An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."
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The nurse told Ole to s**... to the waist. So he took off his pants.
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Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.
Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."
However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became a**... when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.
"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."
"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."
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Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.
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Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."
"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."
"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.
"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"
"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"
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A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
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Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.

A young boy was obsessed with tractors..

He got a toy tractor and tractor pyjamas for his birthday, and he loved them with all his heart. 2 years later he got his first mini tractor, and rode it everyday until it became too small. Skip forward again, it was his 16th birthday, and his dad bought him his first real tractor. He takes it out to work around his dad's farm, which is what he always wanted to do. After a month he suddenly decided that farming wasn't for him and he was no longer interested in tractors. Skip ahead another 5 years, and the man is walking home from his office job when he spots a house burning down. He walks over to the house and positions himself in front of it. He suddenly takes a huge breath and s**... in all the smoke, the fire goes out, and the people are saved. A bystander asks him "How on earth did you do that?!" The man replied calmly, "Easy, I'm an ex-tractor fan"

A man forgets his daughters birthday

He realizes that it's her birthday while driving home from work. Frantically he pulls over at the first toy store he sees and runs inside. He runs up to the clerk and says
"I need a present for my daughter, she likes dolls, do you have any?"
"Sure," the clerk says "we have plenty of barbies. We have Ballet Barbie for 19.95, Veteranarian Barbie for 19.95, Lawyer Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 195.95." The man screams,
"WHAT! Why is divorced Barbie so much more expensive?"
"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, house, and half of his money."

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.
So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."

"Just a Head"

So there was once a child and he had a terrible, terrible birth defect where he was only a head. On his 21st Birthday, his father took him to bar to get his first drink and of course the bodiless kid was excited to get drunk for the first time. The father places his son on the bar and orders him a beer. The bartender obliges and the father feeds his son a beer. All of a sudden, A TORSO SPROUTS OUT OF HIS HEAD. The bartender, the father, and everyone in the bar is going crazy at this point. The bartender gives him another beer, ARMS sprout from the newly acquired torso! The bar is a mad house. One more beer and LEGS COME OUT OF THE TORSO! He's now dancing around using his new legs for the first time. Of course he's never used legs before, and he is a little tipsy so he accidentally stumbles outside and gets hit by a truck and dies.
The Bartender looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."

A man meets his new neighbor for the first time as his neighbor arrives home from work.

He says to the man "Hi, I'm Todd, your next door neighbor, nice to meet you. I just have one question for you, when is your birthday?" The neighbor asks "Why would you want to know that?" Todd replies "I want to buy you a pair of blinds for your window, because in the last week I've seen you having s**... with your wife every night!". The neighbor says "Well that's awfully nice of you, when's your birthday?" Todd says "Why would you want to know that for?" The neighbor says " Because for your birthday I'm going to buy you some binoculars, that way you can see who's wife it really is, because I'm not married..."

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"
"I blew it off I had a gig."