First Base Jokes
63 first base jokes and hilarious first base puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about first base that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest First Base Short Jokes
Short first base jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The first base humour may include short third base jokes also.
- So tim tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.
- Did you know that the first ever musicians were also mathematicians? Their music was based off log-rhythms
- At first I thought less of Gordon Ramsey based on his wife... But you can't judge a cook by its lover...
- President Trump Calls His First Trip Abroad a 'Home Run' Now he can jump on his golf cart and run all the bases
- [Breaking] Muslim terrorists have crashed a speedboat full of explosives into the base of the Hoover Dam... Police suspect this might be the first attack in a month long operation named Ramadam.
- First base, second base, psh. I get home runs. As soon as they see me, they're out of the park.
- Donald Trump just tweeted he will build a Moon base and be the first person to step foot on the Moon again. I can hear it now... Houston this is Tranquility base the Ego has landed
- My baseball coach told me to steal first base.. So I grabbed it and ran as fast as I could!
- Tim Tebow hit his first homerun... ...unfortunately, he didn't know what to do after reaching 3rd base.
- My love life is getting me in the Hall of Fame! Last time I got to first base was years ago.
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First Base One Liners
Which first base one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with first base? I can suggest the ones about baseball and first pitch.
- I couldn't get past first base with the native girl she had her reservations
- Horton must be a first base coach... Since he hears a who.
- Im writing a stage show based on the movie Twister Ive gotten as far as the first draft
- A Ph Alien's first conversation with a human "Amino harm, take me to your base!"
- Did you hear that Doctor Who plays baseball? Who's on first base.
- I'm terrible at baseball. I can't even get to first base.
- All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..
- Why was the v**... baseball player upset? He could never get past first base.
First Base Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about first base you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean baseball hitting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make first base pranks.
It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia.
The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people.
There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected.
The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can.
After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath.
The colonel bellows, "DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?"
Then the soldier says "NO, SIR."
The colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier says, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap.
After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers,
"DID THAT HURT?"
The soldier responds, "NO, SIR."
And the colonel says "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier shouts, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the third squad leader.
He notices that there is an e**... between his legs.
The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the e**... with it.
The man barely makes a sound.
The colonel asks him "DID THAT HURT?"
And the soldier says "NO, SIR."
Then the colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, "BECASUE IT WAS HIS."
A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51
One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."
What does a nerd and a bad baseball player have in common?
They both can't get to first base!
This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny.
Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven.
They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says "Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work;
You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."
He looks to the first man "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replies,"None sir,I was faithful til the end." "Okay,You get this car." Saint Peter gives him a brand new golden ferrari.
Peter says to the second man "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The man replies "About five times."
Saint Peter says "Okay here's your car." He gives the second man a fairly new Lexus.
Finally,Saint Peter asks the third man; "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" He replies "About 10 times."
Saint peter says "okay,Here is your car." The man gets an old beat up car that barely runs.
So after that,The men go driving around heaven. They stop at a gas station to fill up. The second and third man go to the urinals while the first man pumps gas.
The second man comes out and sees the first man crying. he walks up to him and says "What's wrong?" The first man explains "I just saw my wife hitch hiking."
A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates...
Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silver cloak, an oak staff and lead him to a decent part of heaven, the preacher protested insisting there must be a mistake.
The preacher asked why the taxi driver would get a better reward than himself even though he had preached for decades and had devoted his entire life to God. Saint Peter replied that one's place in Heaven was determined based on merit, particularly on how many people one brought closer to God during his lifetime.
The preacher protested, "Merit? MERIT! I headed a congregation of 70+ people for years! I preached my heart out. What did he do?" Saint Peter replied "true, but while you preached, people snored; while he drove... people PRAYED!"
A stuttering man wants to join the army
So he arrives at the base and gets in line. The first man approaches the drill seargent.
"Soldier, what do you want to do?"
"I want to drive a tank!" He is put to the tanks
The next man approaches. "I want to fly a plane!". So he takes to the skies in a fighter jet.
The stutterer then comes up.
"What do you want to to?"
"uh....uh-uh-uh---uh-uh-uh-uh..."
He was put in charge of the machine guns.
Project: Reimagined
There once was a secret government program that tried to create perfect soldiers through genetic modification, cloning, and strenuous conditioning.
What they wanted to achieve was the normal super soldier run down:
- Super strong
- Super fast
- Super smart
- Super obedient
They started out by impregnating 10 women with the altered embryos. For the sake of confidentiality the clones were numbered instead of named, 1-10.
The modifications seemed to work in some of the clones, but it caused some strange side effects in the other ones, not all of them survived childhood.
The first to go was 8. She wasn't told to eat, so she starved.
Then it was 2 and 10. 2 had become dangerously aggressive and attacked 10, who fought back just well enough.
Next went 4 to some disconnect in her nervous system.
Then 1, when she tried to escape after a mental break down.
3 and 5 committed s**....
The project was terminated after an incident where 9 went missing. In the file there was what seemed to be a transcript from an interview of 6, the terrified clone who witnessed it.
"Dr: Where has 9 gone? Has she told you her plan after she escaped.
6: 9 didn't escape.
Dr: What are you talking about? The whole base has been searched! 9 is nowhere to be found! Where is 9?
6: You aren't listening! 9 didn't escape, 7 killed her!
Dr: What? How? How did she kill her and then get rid of the body?
6: Isn't it obvious Doctor? 7 ate 9."
Office jokes.
A rabbit saw a bird sitting on a branch doing nothing and thought it looked good so he asked the bird, "Hey! That look good. Can I sit here and do nothing too?"
The bird nodded.
As soon as the rabbit sat down the the base of the tree a fox ran up and ate the rabbit.
Moral of the story? When you want to sit and do nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
---
A turkey wanted to climb a tree and tried as hard as he could but could only make it to the first branch.
So he asked his strong bovine friend for help, "Hey can you help me get to the top of that tree?"
"Sure," he replied, "Just eat some of my dropping as they are packed with nutrients!"
The turkey did and was able to reach the 3rd branch. So he decides to eat even more and this time he makes it to the 7th. Then he eats as much as he possible can and he finally made it to the top!
Then he got tired and the wind easily blew him off and he hit the ground and died.
Moral of the story? b**... may get you to the top but it wont keep you there.
Baseball, old one from my dad.
Little Stephen wanted to play baseball, so he went and rounded up his friends and his last stop was at Timmy's.
*knock on the door*
"oh hi Stephen, what brings you over? " ask Timmy's mom.
" Can Timmy come out and play baseball? "
" Now Stephen, you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs" says Timmy's mom.
"Oh I know, " says Stephen" we just want to use him for first base. "
A young couple had been dating for a while but hadn't yet done the deed...
A young couple had been together for several weeks but had not yet had s**.... Alexa, the girl, says to her boyfriend John, "we can have s**... if you can make a good impression on my parents over dinner."
John gets so excited, it being his first time, that he runs straight to the pharmacy to pick up condoms. Because he had never done this before, he consults the pharmacist on which brand he should get. They talk a while about which brands are best for what, given his size, how much s**... he's planning to have, how k**... it will be, etc. Eventually John decides on the Family Pack, figuring it covered all his bases.
John arrives at Alexa's house that night and he, Alexa, and the parents sit down for dinner. Alexa's father asks John if he'd like to say grace. John nervously bows his head and goes on and on thanking the Lord for the dinner, thanking Alexa's parents for their hospitality. He prays for a good ten minutes and, even after he had finished, he keeps his head bowed throughout the entire meal.
As he is getting up to leave, Alexa comes up to him. "That was great honey. I think you made a great impression on my parents. Your grace was lovely, I never knew you were so religious!" To which he replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."
Topical Jokes (5/22)
Hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday but we can never escape the jokes!
First up, the FCC announced today that they would start to allow more s**... during peak kids' TV hours. So look out for PBS's new show starring Big Bird's cousin, Kandi Kanary, in "Sesame Red Light District".
Weird entertainment news, Paris Hilton has signed onto Cash Money Records. It's there she plans to rap under the emcee name, Li'l Self Respect.
More celebrities. Justin Bieber is now threatening to sue fans if they try to break into his home. Bieber also says he has a whole team of lawyers set up if any females try to break into his room despite the "no gurls allowed" sign.
Good news on the Catholic front, Pope Francis proclaimed that every single human has been redeemed. The Pope said, "God even forgave me for that time I got wasted and peed in the baptismal font so, seriously, stop bringing that up."
And more hopeful news, Vice President Biden told crowds today that the US is not in decline - which is expected for someone who hinges the US's status based on how many Slurpee flavors are available at 7-Eleven.
Just a quick set tonight but thanks for reading!
Praying and Sleeping
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
Help me finish a joke?
I don't even know if this is the right place for this, but I'll try it and see what happens...
This sounds ridiculous, but here goes. In a dream last night, I told a joke. I don't exactly remember all of it, and woke up towards the end. But I like the setup. Please take a look at the part that I'm able to remember and add your own interpretation. Feel free to change anything you need in order to make the joke better.
Also, if there's a better place for me to post this, please let me know.
Here's what I remember...
Three ducks are out swimming, heading "somewhere", when they come across a magic lamp. The first duck rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The first duck asks the genie for a quicker way to reach "somewhere". With a clap of the genie's hands, a rowboat appears in the lake.
The ducks row for a while, but they get tired. The second duck rubs the lamp, and again, the genie pops out. The second duck says the boat is nice, but asks for a quicker way to get "somewhere". Again, the genie claps his hands, and an outboard motor appears at the back of the rowboat. They fire up the motor and get moving.
That's what I remember telling in the dream. I'm just curious what you all can come up with based on that. Change whatever you like, but would appreciate if we could keep the ducks, the genie, and the rowboat please. Thanks for reading.
World's Funniest Joke
The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries.
The History Channel eventually hosted a special on the subject.
The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan,was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:
*Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"*
Little Johnny is in math class
And the teacher asks, "If five birds are in a tree and you shoot two, how many are left?"
Ecstatic, Johnny replies, "None, the rest fly away!"
The teacher replies, "No, there are 3. But I like your thinking."
So johnny asks, "There are three women each with an ice cream cone. Thr first just licks the tip, the second licks around the base, and the third licks all over and really gets into it. Which one is married?"
"Why, the third of course."
"No, the one with the ring on her finger, but I like your thinking."
Exam results
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'
a joke from the war
a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"
Job Test Cheater
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."
It was early morning at the military base...
... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
The First Order from Star Wars VII were very environmentally conscious...
...because their Starkiller base was solar powered.
Timbuktu
The chief poet of the town dies, so they have to elect a new one. The voting whittles the candidates down to two. The town holds a feast to choose the winner. The mayor stands up and declares that the winner shall be decided by voting on the poem the candidates can come up with on the spot based on a subject of his choosing. The mayor announces the subject will be "Timbuktu."
The first candidate stands up, thinks for a moment, and recites:
It came across a stormy gale
Broad of beam and wide of sail
Its keel was white, its hull was blue
Its destination: Timbuktu
The crowd erupts, they're cheering for the first candidate. The mayor calms the crowd, chiding them to remember they still must hear the other candidate's poem. The second candidate stands up, considers the crowd with utter solemnity, and says:
A-hiking Tim and I went,
When we came upon three girls in a tent
Since they were three and we but two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two
When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea...
Based on everyone's reactions, I wonder if we should have cremated him first.
[*fixed]
If a kiss is first base, and making love is a home run, what do you call a t**...?
Extra Innings!
So a horse walks into a bar...
So a horse walks into a bar. The barkeep seems to know that the horse frequently goes to bars, and he asks the horse, "Aren't you an alcoholic by now?"
The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears, seemingly into thin air.
See, the joke here is based on Rene Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", however, explaining that part first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A kid boards a flight for the first time in his life
Kid: What kind of flight is this mom?
Mom: Boeing
Kid: I'm boarding a Boeing, Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Mom: Be silent you idiot
Kid: I'm oarding an oeing, oeing, oeing, oeing
P.S: Based on a true incident
Two aliens are flying near earth
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were in the hospital.
They were there for some pregnancy tests. They began discussing the gender of their babies based on the s**... position they were concieved.
The brunette said, "I am going to have a son because I was at the bottom."
The redhead said, "I am going to have a daughter because I was at the top."
The blonde suddenly began crying. When the other two asked her what was wrong, she said, "I am going to have puppies!"
Disclaimer: This joke was told to me by an old friend and while I'm sure it has been posted here before, I wanted it to be my first post.
On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang.
He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?"
PFC: "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."
General: "Do you know who this is?"
PFC: "No."
General: "This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"
PFC: "Well, do you know who this is?"
General: "No."
PFC: "Good, goodbye!"
In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
How Canada Was Named
So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"
A judge was hearing a case between two parties.
During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.
When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honorable accepted the bribe.
When the proceedings resumed, the judge announced:
"Because both parties have given me a large sum of money for a favorable decision, I will now have to decide the case based on its merits".
3 men die and go to heaven....
Upon entry, St.Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."
The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Cadillac.
The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was faithful after that. He was given a Honda.
The last man who had cheated quite a lot on his partners was given a bike.
A few days later, the guy with the bike sees the Cadillac guy crying. He asks him, "Why are you crying? you have everything you could ever want here."
He replies, "I just saw my wife on a bicycle."
A new employee on his first day working at Walmart.
A new employee is being trained on the first day of his job. His supervisor explains to him how to do his job.
The trick is to lead customers to products based on what they want. Let me demonstrate.
A customer approaches and explains that he needs something for his garden, and the trainer recommends him a lawnmower.
See? Just like that. Now you give it a try!
Another customer approached the new employee. The customer explains how his girlfriend is on her period, and the new employee recommends him a lawnmower.
Why would I need a lawnmower? The customer asks.
Well, it's not like you're gonna get laid, so you might as well mow the lawn.
On our first date, we took turns h**... the base of the Statue of Liberty
...we really got off on the right foot.
One alien says to another, The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.
The second alien replies, Are they an emerging intelligence?
The first alien says, I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.
I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'
First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the h**... really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!