Firmness Jokes
113 firmness jokes and hilarious firmness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about firmness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Firmness Short Jokes
Short firmness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The firmness humour may include short jokes also.
- My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised. Nobody expects the spanish Acquisition
- So my wife glared at me from across the table and firmly stated You weren't even listening were you?! I wasn't sure what to say, but I thought That's a strange way to start a conversation .
- A man was locked out of his apartment He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...
Because end of the day, communication is key. - "relax, the prostate exam will go easier that way" said the doctor as he put a firm hand on my shoulder. And then he put his other hand on my other shoulder.
- What do you call a musician who can play multiple instruments but always chooses the accordion? A firm believer in the “squeeze is worth the juice.”
- Allegedly John Adams In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress
- I firmly believe in taking care of one's body... That's why I protect mine in a thick layer of fat.
- My Aunt is a firm believer that Mucous Membranes have rights. She calls herself a Phlegminist.
- Japanese Camera
There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
- I firmly believe that all races are equal. Which is why I'm no longer allowed to position the starting blocks at the Olympics.
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Firmness One Liners
Which firmness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with firmness? I can suggest the ones about and .
- I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm. I'm a stakeholder now.
- Two alligators were swimming next to a law firm... *
- What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm? Organised crime.
- I firmly disagree with putting fruit in cake There's just no good raisin for it
- I met an exercising nun. She was a firm believer.
- What do you call a flatworm that firmly believes in discipline? A disci-planarian.
- I'm a firm believer in karma... All of the people I treated badly had it coming to them.
- I'm a firm believer that vaccines cause a... dults.
- What do you call it when one law firm sues another law firm? A bar fight.
- Im not a lawyer But I do have a small private firm right now.
- Elliot Ness, Cookie Monster, and John Locke start a law firm. Locke Ness Monster.
- How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.
- What did Jaws call his solo banking firm? Loan shark.
- He was going to make a donation to the spern bank However nothing is firm yet.
- My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts. Barley Legal
Firmness Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about firmness you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make firmness pranks.
A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm.
He asks an attorney:
"If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"
The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"
A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
Little Mary came back home after school and said,
"Mommy, today during the school break Johnny kissed me on my lips!"
The mother asked indignantly but in surprise,
"And how did this happen?"
"It was not easy, but three of my classmates helped me to hold him firm."
A right-wing law firm is trying to overturn Roe v Wade.
They find their test plaintiff, a man whose daughter had gotten an abortion after he forbade it. The firm sues the doctors, and the appeals go all the way to the Supreme Court, exactly as intended. The Court even agrees to hear the case ... only to uphold Roe v Wade, 5 - 4.
All in all, it was a classic case of abort, retry, fail.
A cowboy is riding across the plain one day,
when he sees an Indian chief laying on the ground with his ear pressed firmly to the earth. Never having seen this before, the cowboy says "Hey chief whatcha doin there." The chief in broken english says "Ugg, buffalo come." The cowboy says "That's amazing chief, how can you tell?" The Chief reply's "Ear sticky."
So a man seeking legal advice steps into a small law firm's office...
...and says to the man sitting at his desk, "Excuse me sir, are you a lawyer?" "Yes I am," says the lawyer.
"What is your fee?" the man responds.
"$25,000 for every four questions" the lawyer answers
"Isn't that terribly expensive?" the man asks, shocked
"Yes. What's your fourth question?" says the lawyer.
Last day for your taxes
A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
s**... harassment
The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary bursts into his office to file a complaint of s**... harassment against a man working in the same department. "What on earth did he do?", asks the boss. "It's not what he did but what he said!", the secretary shrieks. "He said my hair smelt nice!". "And what is so wrong with him telling you that?", asks the boss. "He's a midget" ,huffs the woman.
What do you call a preacher with an e**...?
A firm believer
Dwarfs and s**... Harassment
Dawn, a tall attractive office assistant complains to human relations in her firm that every time she goes to the photocopier a nearby worker named Philbert comes up close to her and says "Mmm, your hair smells nice." Hermagrude, the kind , wise human relations officer says placatingly, "Well Dawn, many women would treat that as a compliment, perhaps you could see it that way?" Dawn replies, "well normally I might but Philbert is a dwarf."
Over smart.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
A guy walks into his therapist's office
visibly distraught, nervously shaking and exclaims "I'm a wigwam!" his head tweaks a little, eyes twitch and says "I'm a tepee". Another head twitch "I'm a wigwam!! I'm a tepee!" *twitch* "I'm a wigwam!" ... "I'm a tepee"!
The therapist grabs him firmly by the shoulders and says "Calm down! Calm down, you're too tense!"
Do you know who you're talking to?
John starts his first day at a law firm.
In his office, he grabs the phone,
John: Get me some coffee, quick!
Voice: Sorry, you've connected to a wrong line by mistake, do you know who you are speaking to?
John: No?
Voice: I am the Director of this law firm..
John: *Ponders for awhile* Do you know who you're talking to?
Director: No?
John: You don't? Excellent *hangs up*
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground
And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
50 Shades
He slowly but firmly grabs my t**.... I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble...'
- of Macy Gray.
A Politician wanted to build a bridge
A Politician wanted to build a bridge.
So, he calls 3 engineeering firms. One is Chinese, other is American and the last one is Brazillian.
The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.
He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "3 Million Dollar. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."
The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."
Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He replies, "9 Million Dollars."
Suprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"
To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."
Apparently the same firm rents buildings to both ISIS and Neo-n**....
You could say they're the lessor of two evils.
Why are books about the social contract and demand-side economics so hard to find?
Because they're kept firmly under Locke and Keynes.
Screw anyone
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
This is a robbery
In some firm, two masked thieves enter:
-This is a robbery
The accountant, relieved:
-Thank GOD, I thought it was the IRS.
A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday
.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A dying lawyer
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
What do you call it when a signal processing firm quickly remodels their entryway?
A fast foyer transform!
Useless People
One useless person is useless.
Two useless people are a law firm.
Hundreds of useless people are Congress.
A building firm hires a new Asian employee...
So the foreman tell the Asian man to go into a room and count the supplies. Having heard nothing for several hours, the foreman goes in to check the progress and can't find the man. So the Asian man jumps out from behind a shelf and yells "SUPPLIES!!"
The Russian army orders 100K rubbers from a US company, specifying 12" fit needed.
The US firm fills the order with packaging marked "MEDIUM."
I work at an investment firm
We got a new CIO to head up the Agriculture/Farm investment team.
He reports to the EIEIO.
I always wear a helmet during i**... cause I'm a firm believer in safe s**....
Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.
a Russian man goes to a job interview
A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited "sir, you have a brilliant record!" and the accountant responds "I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper"
A paranoid man stays at a hotel,
As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".
A man walks into a bar..
...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Cancer
The cancer s**..., but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
Wait
No
I do
I can feel the edges of my mind unraveling; each piece, once so firmly put together, slowly falling away from my grasp. To know that the mind, the seat of who you are, can simply... disintegrate, like a mighty sandcastle in the tide...
Well, at least I don't have cancer.
losing my virginity was a lot like how I learned to ride a bike
My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders .
LPT: To prevent a snake from biting, grasp their tail firmly and shake vigorously
Since snakes don't have hands, the snake will think that you are a businessman and that he is a business snake, and you are about to make a handshake deal.
Darkened Room
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."
Why was Wolverine (from the X-Men) fired from the law firm?
Because he forgot to read the contract claws.
Two lawyers were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.
"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead - nothing going on upstairs."
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."
A Man Walks Into A Bar.
Ten years of hard work and savvy networking later, he runs a highly successful law firm.
My dream is to marry into a family of lawyers,
Open a law firm with my husbands mom, and call it Mother and daughter in law
A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...
The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*
I'm sick of these complicated Gillette 3 and 4 blade razors with vibrating heads, "cooling" technology, and pivoting heads etc...
...But I've always been a firm believer in Occam's razor.
I've read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently.
That's why I made a new, firm New Year's resolution: NO MORE READING!
I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm
It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.
Handshake
Him: That's a firm handshake for a woman.
Her: That's a small bulge for a man.
Him: Your mom didn't think so.
Her: My mom died.
Him: Of exhaustion.
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.
"I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer.
Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
A man and a women are in Hawaii on their honeymoon
They start arguing over the pronunciation of "Hawaii".
The man says it is pronounced "Hawaii" while the woman firmly believes it is pronounced "Havaii".
The woman is sick of this silly argument interfering with their vacation so she asks a local how it is pronounced and he says "Havaii".
The woman was elated to hear that she was correct and thanks the local for his help.
He responds, "You're Velcome".
As a firm believer in Jesus, I would never have premarital s**......
I read about what happened to the guys that crossed him the first time.
A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert...
After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly "Buffalo come"
"That's amazing" says the cowboy, "How can you tell that?"
The Indian replies...
"Sticky face"
My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.
She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.
The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was hallucinating that we had a son. If only I was married...
Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...
It's up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong, said the first executive. Agreed, exclaimed the second. You teach her what's right.
After coming to work this morning, all of us were shocked to find out that our firm has been taken over by a company in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm
In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator
I'll give it a try. Test me
What is 35 x 47?
The man answers quickly 476
That's not even close
Yeah but thats fast
Fun with rhymes.
If plants wore pants would plants try to dance? If plants tried to dance would plants have a chance if plants wore pants and you took a glance? If plants wore pants would they joust with a lance? If plants had a lance would the blow hit or glance? If plants were advanced and wore pants and danced they would be firmly rooted in their anti vegan stance.
Btw I have way too much time on my hands.
I confronted my friend when I suspected him of cheating with my partner.
He firmly denied being my friend.
My friend's house stinks because he lives downwind from a milk processing firm.
Everything smells like dairy air.
An old man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.
The kindly old man said to the boy, Can I help you with that sonny?
At which point he smiled, placed a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.
There , said the old man, as he stepped back from the door. Now what do we do young man?
We run like h**... mister , the boy replied.
I was a globe earther until...
I was a firm believer in the globe earth model until a life-changing event happened. What was that event? I got kicked by a horse in the head.
Why are strippers and h**... similar?
They both like to keep a firm grip on the Poles.
These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.
Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.
My wife has a lawyer's b**...
They're firm
What do you call a firm yet defective b**...?
asphalt
An older woman is doing the dishes, when her husband walks up behind her and slaps her rear end.
If you could firm this up, you wouldn't need a girdle! He says.
She turns around and grabs is c**...
If you could firm this up, I wouldn't need your brother!