Firm Jokes
96 firm jokes and hilarious firm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about firm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for some light-hearted laughs? This article dives into the world of law firm jokes and provides plenty of humorous lines to delight. From slimy lawyers to model residents, learn why these jokes remain popular.
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Funniest Firm Short Jokes
Short firm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The firm humour may include short formed jokes also.
- My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised. Nobody expects the spanish Acquisition
- So my wife glared at me from across the table and firmly stated You weren't even listening were you?! I wasn't sure what to say, but I thought That's a strange way to start a conversation .
- A man was locked out of his apartment He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...
Because end of the day, communication is key. - "relax, the prostate exam will go easier that way" said the doctor as he put a firm hand on my shoulder. And then he put his other hand on my other shoulder.
- What do you call a musician who can play multiple instruments but always chooses the accordion? A firm believer in the “squeeze is worth the juice.”
- Allegedly John Adams In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress
- I firmly believe in taking care of one's body... That's why I protect mine in a thick layer of fat.
- My Aunt is a firm believer that Mucous Membranes have rights. She calls herself a Phlegminist.
- Japanese Camera
There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
- I firmly believe that all races are equal. Which is why I'm no longer allowed to position the starting blocks at the Olympics.
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Firm One Liners
Which firm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with firm? I can suggest the ones about maker and fare.
- I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm. I'm a stakeholder now.
- Two alligators were swimming next to a law firm... *
- What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm? Organised crime.
- I firmly disagree with putting fruit in cake There's just no good raisin for it
- I met an exercising nun. She was a firm believer.
- What do you call a flatworm that firmly believes in discipline? A disci-planarian.
- I'm a firm believer in karma... All of the people I treated badly had it coming to them.
- I'm a firm believer that vaccines cause a... dults.
- What do you call it when one law firm sues another law firm? A bar fight.
- Im not a lawyer But I do have a small private firm right now.
- Elliot Ness, Cookie Monster, and John Locke start a law firm. Locke Ness Monster.
- How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.
- What did Jaws call his solo banking firm? Loan shark.
- He was going to make a donation to the spern bank However nothing is firm yet.
- My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts. Barley Legal
Law Firm Jokes
Here is a list of funny law firm jokes and even better law firm puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Useless People One useless person is useless.
Two useless people are a law firm.
Hundreds of useless people are Congress. - My dream is to marry into a family of lawyers, Open a law firm with my husbands mom, and call it Mother and daughter in law
- A Man Walks Into A Bar. Ten years of hard work and savvy networking later, he runs a highly successful law firm.
- Why was Wolverine (from the X-Men) fired from the law firm? Because he forgot to read the contract claws.
- I'm going to start a law firm and only hire nuns... I'll call it Sisters in law.
- A guy walks into a Bar. A few years of experience later, he opens his own Law Firm.
- What do you call a spy's law firm? James' Bail Bonds.
- My company has signed a contract with a new law firm. Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Firm Jokes
What funny jokes about firm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean brig jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make firm pranks.
A right-wing law firm is trying to overturn Roe v Wade.
They find their test plaintiff, a man whose daughter had gotten an abortion after he forbade it. The firm sues the doctors, and the appeals go all the way to the Supreme Court, exactly as intended. The Court even agrees to hear the case ... only to uphold Roe v Wade, 5 - 4.
All in all, it was a classic case of abort, retry, fail.
s**... harassment
The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary bursts into his office to file a complaint of s**... harassment against a man working in the same department. "What on earth did he do?", asks the boss. "It's not what he did but what he said!", the secretary shrieks. "He said my hair smelt nice!". "And what is so wrong with him telling you that?", asks the boss. "He's a midget" ,huffs the woman.
What do you call a preacher with an e**...?
A firm believer
Dwarfs and s**... Harassment
Dawn, a tall attractive office assistant complains to human relations in her firm that every time she goes to the photocopier a nearby worker named Philbert comes up close to her and says "Mmm, your hair smells nice." Hermagrude, the kind , wise human relations officer says placatingly, "Well Dawn, many women would treat that as a compliment, perhaps you could see it that way?" Dawn replies, "well normally I might but Philbert is a dwarf."
Over smart.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
Do you know who you're talking to?
John starts his first day at a law firm.
In his office, he grabs the phone,
John: Get me some coffee, quick!
Voice: Sorry, you've connected to a wrong line by mistake, do you know who you are speaking to?
John: No?
Voice: I am the Director of this law firm..
John: *Ponders for awhile* Do you know who you're talking to?
Director: No?
John: You don't? Excellent *hangs up*
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom..
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
Apparently the same firm rents buildings to both ISIS and Neo-n**....
You could say they're the lessor of two evils.
Screw anyone
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
This is a robbery
In some firm, two masked thieves enter:
-This is a robbery
The accountant, relieved:
-Thank GOD, I thought it was the IRS.
A dying lawyer
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
What do you call it when a signal processing firm quickly remodels their entryway?
A fast foyer transform!
A building firm hires a new Asian employee...
So the foreman tell the Asian man to go into a room and count the supplies. Having heard nothing for several hours, the foreman goes in to check the progress and can't find the man. So the Asian man jumps out from behind a shelf and yells "SUPPLIES!!"
The Russian army orders 100K rubbers from a US company, specifying 12" fit needed.
The US firm fills the order with packaging marked "MEDIUM."
Did you hear about the Florida ice company?
The company was having trouble with transportation because of the heat so they decided to liquidate the firm.
I work at an investment firm
We got a new CIO to head up the Agriculture/Farm investment team.
He reports to the EIEIO.
I always wear a helmet during i**... cause I'm a firm believer in safe s**....
Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.
a Russian man goes to a job interview
A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited "sir, you have a brilliant record!" and the accountant responds "I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper"
losing my virginity was a lot like how I learned to ride a bike
My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders .
Darkened Room
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."
I passed a firm stool this morning.
I really wish I'd stopped and bought it.
As the recruitment manager for a large firm, I don't like to hire unlucky people
So I throw every second job application I receive into the rubbish bin
A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...
The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*
I'm sick of these complicated Gillette 3 and 4 blade razors with vibrating heads, "cooling" technology, and pivoting heads etc...
...But I've always been a firm believer in Occam's razor.
I've read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently.
That's why I made a new, firm New Year's resolution: NO MORE READING!
I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm
It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.
I'm teaching my child about seatbelts
So far, he has a firm grasp of the subject, but we are still waiting for some things to click into place.
Handshake
Him: That's a firm handshake for a woman.
Her: That's a small bulge for a man.
Him: Your mom didn't think so.
Her: My mom died.
Him: Of exhaustion.
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.
"I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer.
Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
As a firm believer in Jesus, I would never have premarital s**......
I read about what happened to the guys that crossed him the first time.
My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.
She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.
The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was hallucinating that we had a son. If only I was married...
Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...
It's up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong, said the first executive. Agreed, exclaimed the second. You teach her what's right.
After coming to work this morning, all of us were shocked to find out that our firm has been taken over by a company in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm
In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator
I'll give it a try. Test me
What is 35 x 47?
The man answers quickly 476
That's not even close
Yeah but thats fast
My friend's house stinks because he lives downwind from a milk processing firm.
Everything smells like dairy air.
I was a globe earther until...
I was a firm believer in the globe earth model until a life-changing event happened. What was that event? I got kicked by a horse in the head.
Why are strippers and h**... similar?
They both like to keep a firm grip on the Poles.
My wife has a lawyer's b**...
They're firm
What do you call a firm yet defective b**...?
asphalt
An older woman is doing the dishes, when her husband walks up behind her and slaps her rear end.
If you could firm this up, you wouldn't need a girdle! He says.
She turns around and grabs is c**...
If you could firm this up, I wouldn't need your brother!
An intern recently started working for an IT programming firm.
Everyday he went into work he was always harassed by his peers, they kept saying he was never being true always being false.
#
So I had to step in, I couldn't let them
keep Boolean him.
The phone rings at a local law firm...
"Good morning, Krantz Krantz Krantz & Krantz LLP."
"Is Mr. Krantz available?"
"No, I'm afraid he's in a meeting with a client at the moment."
"And what about Mr. Krantz?"
"He's away in Washington for the week."
"Then, is Mr. Krantz in?"
"Ye- err, wait, it's Tuesday. He's not in until the afternoon on Tuesdays."
"Well! At the very least, could I speak with Mr. Krantz?!"
"Speaking."
Bad news
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Why do Italian women love me?
I'm firm when I need to be, but I can also be soft and tender.
The name's Dente.
Al Dente.
a man walks into a library
and says in a loud voice can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips
the librarian replies in a firm but quiet voice 'Sir, you're in a library'
the man whispers 'Sorry, can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My company got bought out by a Madrid-based firm today," the guy tells the bartender. "Everyone was surprised." "Well," the bartender replies. "No one expects the Spanish acquisition."
Two eagles walk into a law firm looking for a job
The hiring manager asks, "So why should I hire you two?"
And the eagles say, "Well, we've been eagles since the day we hatched from our eggs. You're never going to find a para-eagles better than us!"
An Accountant's secret to success.
An accountant in a big firm had a very strange habit. Every morning he used to open his drawer, look at a paper, place the paper back in the drawer and then lock it again.
The trainees were very curious and often wondered if his success was hidden on that piece of paper.
So one day, when the accountant was out, the trainees decided to break the lock. When they broke the lock & took out the paper, it read:
'LEFT IS DEBIT AND RIGHT IS CREDIT'
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picked up the phone and started to pretend big deal was in the works. He threw a huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked: Can I help you?
Sure , the man said I've come to connect the phone.
