Firing Squad Jokes
62 firing squad jokes and hilarious firing squad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about firing squad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Firing Squad Short Jokes
Short firing squad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The firing squad humour may include short firing jokes also.
- Why is it acceptable for the leader of a Firing Squad to swear? Because saying oh shoot can cause problems.
- Exececution by a firing squad A guy is about to get executed by a firing squad.
He is granted with 1 last wish.
"a sigaret please" he says
"And fire". - How many Buzzfeed workers does it take to form a firing squad? 10. But number 5 will blow your mind!
- The story of a U.S Army member named Will His 3rd day into battle, his squad commander, upon seeing enemies, yelled FIRE AT WILL!
- I got fired from the bomb squad yesterday. It's too bad really... I had a blast working there.
- The Russian election system Where citizens choose between Vladimir Putin or a KGB firing squad.
- Unlike Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un would NEVER throw a former advisor under the bus. He'd throw them in front of a firing squad.
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Firing Squad One Liners
Which firing squad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with firing squad? I can suggest the ones about squad and police squad.
- A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad. He will be missed.
- A nun is put to death by a firing squad.... She lived and died holey.
- Did you hear about the Russian firing squad? They stood in a circle
- What were the last words of a man executed by firing squad? I hope you will miss me.
- Why was the soldier put to firing squad? Because they found him eating 3 musketeers
- How do you know you're facing a polish firing squad? They stand around you in a circle
- Why was the chemist fired from the bomb squad? Because he tried to diffuse the bomb
- What's the worst way to lose your job? By firing squad.
- Did you hear about the Irish firing squad? They formed a circle.
- What was the motto of the firing squad? We aim to please.
Firing Squad Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about firing squad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shots fired jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make firing squad pranks.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a Mexican prison.
They committed a crime and have been sentenced to death. The women are instructed to say when they are ready for the firing squad to shoot and kill them. The brunette is called up. She says, "Ready, aim, tornado!" Afraid of an approaching funnel cloud, the police quickly turn around and the brunette runs away. Once regrouped, the redhead is summoned. She says, "Ready, aim, earthquake!" Fooled again, the police quickly turn around to get cover while the redhead runs away. Then it's the blonde's turn, who says, "Ready, aim, fire!"
Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead
So a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead committed some major crimes and were sentenced to death by the firing squad. The jailer come up to the redhead and takes her to where she needs to stand and asks her,
"Any last words?"
"Nope," replies the redhead.
The jailer says, "ready, aim, ...."
The redhead yells out, "TORNADO!!!"
They all look around but the redhead is gone.
The jailer, now angry, goes and gets the brunette and asks her, "any last words?"
"Nope," replies the brunette.
The jailer says, "ready, aim, ..."
The brunette yells out, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone looks around but the brunette is now gone.
The blonde is now thinking to herself, "oh I get it, they are doing natural disasters!!" So the jailer comes and gets her, now furious beyond belief. "Any last words?" he asks.
"Nope," the blonde replies with a smile on her face.
So the jailer says, "ready, aim, ..."
The blonde yells out, "FIRE!!!"......
At the end of WW 2, three soldiers - an Italian, a Japanese, and a Pole - were facing a Russian firing squad.
The Russians decided to shoot the Italian first. They asked if he had any last words, and he yelled "Il Duce!" The squad leader then gave the command, "Ready... Aim...." and the Italian saw his life flash before his eyes, and remembered his home near Mt. Vesuvius, and yelled out, "Volcano!!!" The firing squad stopped and turned to scan the countryside, and the Italian ran away and escaped.
The Japanese guy took note of this, and when the firing squad leader said "Ready... Aim... ", he yelled out "Earthquake!!!" This distracted the firing squad, and he also escaped.
The Polish guy was last, and being no d**..., he picked up on what the two other guys did to escape. So the Russian said, "Ready... Aim..." and the Polock yelled out, "Fire!!!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig.
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig. The punishment for such an offense is obviously death by firing squad. In the holding cell, waiting for their fate, Red head says to the other two, "I have an idea! follow my lead!"
Upon being called, Red head walks up, stands in front of the wall facing the line of rifles pointed at her head. The Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" and the red head shouts "TORNADO!!" The men with the rifles are so scared of the impending natural disaster they drop their weapons and run away. Red head gets away!
Impressed, Brunette says, I get it! I'll go next.
The troops come back into their line and call out the brunette, embarrassed at their gullibility.
Again the Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" Immediately, the brunette yells "TIDAL WAVE!!" The brainless troops drop their weapons and run and hide yet again. The Brunette is free!
Finally it is the blonde's turn. The troops and the Emperor are furious at being deceived and are ready for anything this time.
They aim their weapons at the blonde and the Emperor yells "Ready!!! Aim!!!" and the blonde yells "FIRE!!!!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...
The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.
The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."
The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"
The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her b**... and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.
The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."
The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"
The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her b**... and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.
The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."
The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"
Three men in prison are about to be executed.
There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of h**....
The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard.
Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards lead him to a wall, six other guards point their weapons at him, and they open fire. The man dies fairly slowly, choking on his own blood.
The third man is totally calm. He says, somewhat smugly, that he'd like to be given the h**... injection.
The guards summon the doctor, who gives the third man his injection. Back in his own cell later, the third man begins laughing quietly to himself. Confused, his bunkmate asks what's so funny.
"Those idiots," the man replies. "I was wearing a c**... the whole time!"
A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.
The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"
Blonde Execution
Three women are getting executed by firing squad for committing a crime. One is a brunette, one is a redhead, and one is blonde. First the brunette is brought up onto the stage, with the squad assembled in front of her. She is asked for her last words, and she points behind the crowd and yells, "Tornado!" Everybody turns to look, and the brunette escapes.
The next day, the redhead is brought up onto the stage to be executed, with the same setup. When asked for her last words, she yells, "Lightning!" Everybody turns to look, and the redhead escapes.
The day after that, the blonde is brought up onto the stage. She is asked for her last words, and the blonde looks behind the firing squad, and yells, "Fire!
So a while back the Pope went on a visit...
to a city. He was trying to get across town without attracting too much attention, so instead of the Popemobile, he was driving in a heavily armored SUV with very tinted windows.
So the chauffeur is driving the Pope around, and the Pope gets to wondering. "Man," he thinks, "I haven't driven in ages, not since I was a bishop." He promptly orders the chauffeur to pull over and get in the back seat. The Pope gets in front, slams his foot down on the gas, and barrels down Main Street.
The Pope is a terrible driver, and extremely out of practice. He crashes into street lights, fire hydrants, small children, everything. Eventually a police car comes, sirens blaring, and the Pope pulls over.
The cop gets out of his car and taps on the window, and the Pope rolls the window down. The cop and the Pope stare at each other for a while, and then the cop nods and walks back to his squad car. The Pope drives off.
A nearby witness, who has seen the whole thing, runs over to the cop.
"Officer!" he asks, "Why didn't you arrest that man, or at least give him a ticket?"
The cop shakes his head and says: "He's too important to arrest."
The man says: "Who could be so important that they could get away with *that*?"
The cop replies: "I don't know, but he's got the Pope as his driver."
Three woman are all sentenced to death by firing squad. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde...
The firing squad was called to shoot all the girls.
The brunette went first. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." Before the man said three, the brunette yelled, "TORNADO!"
Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.
The firing squad then went to the redhead. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." "FLOOD!" the redhead screamed.
Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.
The blonde, noticing what the other girls did, knew what she had to do. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..."
"FIRE!!!" the blonde screamed...
Women on death row
Three women, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde are on death row for unspeakable crimes. Instead of the electric chair, they are to be shot by a squad of soldiers. The red haired girl is first, but she has an idea. The commander starts the count down: 3...2..1... The girl yells: "Earthquake!" Everyone is startled and confused and she escapes. Up next is the brunette. She catches on the idea as well. The countdown starts again: 3..2...1... She yells: "tornado!!" Like the girl before her, she also escapes during the confusion. Finally it's the blonde's turn. She too has figured out the trick. Again the countdown starts: 3..2...1..
She yells: "Fire!!"
firing squad
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a p**..., are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the p**.... He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
The generals chauffeur was late...
and the general needed to be at a meeting on the other side of the base in ten minutes. The luckless private chauffeuring the jeep was going around corners on two wheels, running red lights and speeding like a maniac.
The general asks the private, "Son, do you know what the penalty is for making a general late for a meeting?"
The private, imagining firing squads, stammers "N-no sir! I don't!"
The general replies "Neither do I. But I bet it's a lot less than the penalty for maiming or killing one!"
The brunette, the redhead, and the blonde.
One day a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were set to be executed. They lined the three woman up in front of a firing squad. First, they brought the brunette up. Ready, aim. But just before they shoot she shouts "Earthquake!" and in the commotion she escapes. Once the chaos dies down they bring up the redhead. Ready, aim."Tornado!" and she escapes. Then they bring the blonde up. By that time the blonde has caught on. Ready aim, and she shouts "Fire"!
Three guys are at a firing squad...
...and are being shot in public. The first guy, who is not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the firing squad. As they were getting ready to shoot the guy, he pointed behind the squad and yelled, "Avalanche!" The firing squad and the crowd fell for the trick, and as they turned their back, the guy ran away. The second guy did the same thing, but this time, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the firing squad and the crowd fell for it, and the guy ran away as they turned their back. The third guy was impressed, and decided to try the trick himself. As the squad was about to shoot him, he shouted out, "Fire!"
Three guys are at a firing squad...
...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, "Fire!"
There was a Brunette , Redhead and a blonde getting ready for Execution.
The Brunette was marched to her final place, the firing squad's guns on her. The commander said
"Ready"
"Aim"
then the Brunette screamed "EARTHQUAKE", the firing squad looked around, and the brunette ran away and escaped.
The Redhead was marched to her final place, the firing squad's guns on her. The commander said
"Ready"
"Aim"
then the Readhead screamed "TORNADO!", the firing squad looked around, and the readhead ran away and escaped.
The Blonde was marched to her final place, the firing squad's guns on her. The commander said
"Ready"
"Aim"
then the Blonde then thought of her disaster, thought of one, then screamed "FIRE!!"
An American, Irishman and p**... are up for execution...
The American is up against the firing squad first. "Ready...AIM..."
The American suddenly points and shouts "t**...!" The squad turns and the American gets away.
Next up is the Irishman. "Ready... Aim..."
"s**...!" Shouts the Irishman. He gets away.
Finally the p**... is next. The commander says to him. "Now we are sure the enemy is not in the area. So don't try what those two just did.
"Ready... AIM..."
Suddenly the p**... points and shouts "...FIRE!"
Hostage Escape
A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.
When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"
3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad
The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"
3 men are lined up for the firing squad...
...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**
Last request...
A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.
"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."
The general agrees and takes a step back.
"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
3 criminals are about to be executed by a firing squad...
The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.
The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as before, however the criminal also thinks quickly and shouts "Tornado!" As the firing squad is in a tornado-prone area, the men look around, and the criminal escapes.
The final criminal is brought out. The soldiers again arm and aim. The criminal thinks of a way to get out and has an idea. He yells "Fire!"
The condemned prisoner stood before the firing squad.
The jail warden told him that as per custom, he was to be granted one final request, provided it was something straightforward and easily manageable.
The prisoner explained that he loved singing and requested to sing his favourite childhood song to completion.
The warden motioned to the firing squad to hold their fire until the song was completed.
The prisoner held his head up high and started to sing - "A billion bottles of beer on the wall, a billion bottles of beer..."
There was three pilots...
Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "b**... run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".
No hurry!
Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.
The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.
The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.
The third prisoner asked for strawberries. Strawberries? asked the guards. But they're out of season! It's okay, said the prisoner. I'll wait….
A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.
The brunette went first. Seeing that the soldiers were a little naive, she waited until they raised their rifles and yelled "TORNADO!". The soldiers panicked and ran and in the ensuing confusion the brunette escaped.
They then beought out the redhead. She waited until the soldiers raised their rifles and yelled "FLOOD!". Again the soldiers ran for cover and she was able to escape.
The blonde was then brought out. Ahe decided to try and mimic her friends. So, as the soldiers raised their rifles, she yelled "FIRE!"....
An English man, Scottish man, and a Irish man were about to be executed by the firing squad.
They put the Englishman against the wall, when he says
"EARTH QUAKE!".
The firing squad start panicking, whilst the English man runs off.
They put the Scottish man against the wall, when he says
"FLOOD!".
The firing squad start panicking more, whilst he also runs off.
They put the Irish man against the wall, when he says
"FIRE!"
3 criminals are about to be executed by firing squad
The first one is told to get in front and the marshal count down. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts TORNADO and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the prisoner runs away.
The marshal isn't pleased and orders the second prisoner to the line. He counts down 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts EARTHQUAKE and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the second prisoner runs away.
The Marshall is furious at this point and orders the third prisoner to the line. No tricks! He yells and begins counting. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts FIRE and points behind the soldiers as they fire.
A classic one
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Swede are all captured and need to be killed by a firing squad.
The Englishman is the first to go up, and the countdown is given. 3... 2... but before they can fire, the Englishman yells, Avalanche! and all of the firing squad is distracted and then the Englishman escapes.
The Frenchman is next, and the countdown is given. 3....2... but before they can fire, the Frenchman yells, Tornado! and all of the firing squad is distracted and then the Frenchman escapes.
Finally, it's the Swede's turn. The countdown is given. 3.....
2.... but before they can say 1 the Swede yells Fire!
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...
Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"
The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."
The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!
The prisoner shouted "ABOUT..... FACE!"
The officer shouted "FIRE!"
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".
A drill sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle
Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed.
The recruits were instructed to load their pieces and stand at the ready, and then the sergeant gave the command:
"Fire at will!"
Private Lunn was puzzled. He lowered his gun.
"Which one is Will?", he asked.