firing Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious firing puns

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"

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A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad.

He will be missed.

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My wife caught me checking out the nanny the other day.

She fired the nanny. Then she told me no more sex for a year!

I said, "You're firing the maid, too?"

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A man and a wife are sitting outside...

The wife is bent over in the garden and the man exclaims "Damn! Your butt is almost as wide as the barbecue!" She proceeds to garden and brushes off the remark. Later on that night the man nudges his wife and asks her for some fun. She replies "If you think i'm firing up this grill for one little wiener, you got another thing coming."

Not my joke, I only wish I was this funny...

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Pregnant elephants

What is harder then getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?

Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.


I'm taking a gunsmithing class and this was in the text book with no context. Just stuffed between a paragraph on slave pins and one on replacing firing pins.

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her bondage and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.

The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."

The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"

The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her bondage and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.

The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."

The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

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3 men are lined up for the firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**

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A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.

The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.

The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.

The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"

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What is the hardest part about firing a black man?

Waiting for him to show up.

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3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad

The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"

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A panda walks into a bar...

Panda sits down and starts eating some peanuts out of a dish on the bar. A few minutes later, he pulls out an uzi and starts firing at all the customers. Panda gets up, and lumbers out of the bar.

A few days later, the same panda walks back into the same bar. He sits at the bar and starts having some pretzels. A few moments later he pulls out a shotgun, and BLAM! BLAM! More dead customers, and off our panda goes into the night.

A week later, same panda, same bar. Panda sits down, picks up a handful of macadamia nuts, and the bartender says, "Hey! Panda! What the hell do you think you're doing? I've barely got any customers left after what you've done. You've got a lot of nerve coming back in here."

The panda eats a few more nuts and stares blankly at the bartender.

The bartender yells, "Well don't you have anything to say for yourself?!?"

The panda stands up and says, "What can I say? I'm a panda. Look it up." Pulls out and AK-47, kills everyone but the bartender, and out the door he goes.

The bartender is beside himself, but the panda has piqued his curiosity. He goes and gets an encyclopedia. He opens to the entry on pandas and reads: Panda: Mammal. Eats Shoots and Leaves.

Edit for spelling

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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig. The punishment for such an offense is obviously death by firing squad. In the holding cell, waiting for their fate, Red head says to the other two, "I have an idea! follow my lead!"
Upon being called, Red head walks up, stands in front of the wall facing the line of rifles pointed at her head. The Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" and the red head shouts "TORNADO!!" The men with the rifles are so scared of the impending natural disaster they drop their weapons and run away. Red head gets away!
Impressed, Brunette says, I get it! I'll go next.
The troops come back into their line and call out the brunette, embarrassed at their gullibility.
Again the Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" Immediately, the brunette yells "TIDAL WAVE!!" The brainless troops drop their weapons and run and hide yet again. The Brunette is free!
Finally it is the blonde's turn. The troops and the Emperor are furious at being deceived and are ready for anything this time.
They aim their weapons at the blonde and the Emperor yells "Ready!!! Aim!!!" and the blonde yells "FIRE!!!!"

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3 criminals are about to be executed by a firing squad...

The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.

The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as before, however the criminal also thinks quickly and shouts "Tornado!" As the firing squad is in a tornado-prone area, the men look around, and the criminal escapes.

The final criminal is brought out. The soldiers again arm and aim. The criminal thinks of a way to get out and has an idea. He yells "Fire!"

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Three guys are at a firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, "Fire!"

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My jokes are like bullets...

If I start firing em off in Public no one laughs and everyone gets away from me, but when I practiced on myself I blew my fucking mind.

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The brunette, the redhead, and the blonde.

One day a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were set to be executed. They lined the three woman up in front of a firing squad. First, they brought the brunette up. Ready, aim. But just before they shoot she shouts "Earthquake!" and in the commotion she escapes. Once the chaos dies down they bring up the redhead. Ready, aim."Tornado!" and she escapes. Then they bring the blonde up. By that time the blonde has caught on. Ready aim, and she shouts "Fire"!

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are about to be shot...

By a firing squad in a Nazi POW camp. The Nazis line them up, and prepare to shoot the Englishman. Just as they're aiming and about to fire, he shouts "HURRICANE!" And all the Germans run desperately for cover, and the Englishman manages to hop the fence and run off.
The disgruntled Germans come back and prepare to shoot the Scotsman. As they're about to fire he shouts "TYPHOON!" and again the Germans run and hide, and the Scotsman legs it away.

The Irishman thinks this is a great idea. The Germans come back to shoot him, and as they're aiming, he shouts "FIRE!"

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The condemned prisoner stood before the firing squad.

The jail warden told him that as per custom, he was to be granted one final request, provided it was something straightforward and easily manageable.

The prisoner explained that he loved singing and requested to sing his favourite childhood song to completion.

The warden motioned to the firing squad to hold their fire until the song was completed.

The prisoner held his head up high and started to sing - "A billion bottles of beer on the wall, a billion bottles of beer..."

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There was three pilots...

Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "Bombing run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".

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A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette went first. Seeing that the soldiers were a little naive, she waited until they raised their rifles and yelled "TORNADO!". The soldiers panicked and ran and in the ensuing confusion the brunette escaped.

They then beought out the redhead. She waited until the soldiers raised their rifles and yelled "FLOOD!". Again the soldiers ran for cover and she was able to escape.

The blonde was then brought out. Ahe decided to try and mimic her friends. So, as the soldiers raised their rifles, she yelled "FIRE!"....

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Three woman are all sentenced to death by firing squad. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde...

The firing squad was called to shoot all the girls.

The brunette went first. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." Before the man said three, the brunette yelled, "TORNADO!"

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The firing squad then went to the redhead. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." "FLOOD!" the redhead screamed.

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The blonde, noticing what the other girls did, knew what she had to do. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..."

"FIRE!!!" the blonde screamed...

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An englishman was sued for discrimination after firing all the redheads from his strip club.

He was able to get off Scot-free.

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Last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

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A man is on death row...

A man is on death row and it's the day of his execution. He is to be killed by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One last thing I would like to do is sing my favorite song, one time through without interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottle of beer on the wall..."

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No hurry!

Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.

The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.

The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.

The third prisoner asked for strawberries. Strawberries? asked the guards. But they're out of season! It's okay, said the prisoner. I'll wait….

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Last request...

A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.

"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."

The general agrees and takes a step back.

"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"

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One last request...

An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One last thing I would really like to do is sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

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Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard.

Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards lead him to a wall, six other guards point their weapons at him, and they open fire. The man dies fairly slowly, choking on his own blood.

The third man is totally calm. He says, somewhat smugly, that he'd like to be given the HIV injection.

The guards summon the doctor, who gives the third man his injection. Back in his own cell later, the third man begins laughing quietly to himself. Confused, his bunkmate asks what's so funny.

"Those idiots," the man replies. "I was wearing a condom the whole time!"

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A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot

A 9 month pregnant woman with triplets is waiting in line at the bank when robbers run in and start firing shots. The woman gets shot in the belly 3 times and is taken to the hospital. After the surgery the nurse tells the woman that she will be fine and that her babies are fine too, however, this is an unusual situation where the bullets are in each of her babies and after some years the bullets will come out.
Ten years later, one of her daughters comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," replied the daughter. The woman remembers what the nurse had told her years ago so she tells her daughter, "Its okay Christy. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her second daughter comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," she says. The woman again calms down her daugher, "Its okay Jenny. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her son comes crying to her. She asks, "what is it Johnny? Did you pee and a bullet came out?" Johnny says, "no. I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

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At the end of WW 2, three soldiers - an Italian, a Japanese, and a Pole - were facing a Russian firing squad.

The Russians decided to shoot the Italian first. They asked if he had any last words, and he yelled "Il Duce!" The squad leader then gave the command, "Ready... Aim...." and the Italian saw his life flash before his eyes, and remembered his home near Mt. Vesuvius, and yelled out, "Volcano!!!" The firing squad stopped and turned to scan the countryside, and the Italian ran away and escaped.

The Japanese guy took note of this, and when the firing squad leader said "Ready... Aim... ", he yelled out "Earthquake!!!" This distracted the firing squad, and he also escaped.

The Polish guy was last, and being no dummy, he picked up on what the two other guys did to escape. So the Russian said, "Ready... Aim..." and the Polock yelled out, "Fire!!!"


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My father always complained about his firing from Lay's after being caught stealing produce.

He always did have a huge chip on his shoulder.

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firing squad

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

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Exececution by a firing squad

A guy is about to get executed by a firing squad.
He is granted with 1 last wish.
"a sigaret please" he says
"And fire".

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A nun is put to death by a firing squad....

She lived and died holey.

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There was a Brunette , Redhead and a blonde getting ready for Execution.

The Brunette was marched to her final place, the firing squad's guns on her. The commander said

"Ready"

"Aim"

then the Brunette screamed "EARTHQUAKE", the firing squad looked around, and the brunette ran away and escaped.

The Redhead was marched to her final place, the firing squad's guns on her. The commander said

"Ready"

"Aim"

then the Readhead screamed "TORNADO!", the firing squad looked around, and the readhead ran away and escaped.

The Blonde was marched to her final place, the firing squad's guns on her. The commander said

"Ready"

"Aim"
then the Blonde then thought of her disaster, thought of one, then screamed "FIRE!!"

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What are the most funny Firing jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Firing? Well, here are the best Firing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Firing pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes