Firing Jokes
92 firing jokes and hilarious firing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about firing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for side-splitting jokes related to firing squads, firing ranges, and shotguns? This article explores the funnier side of civilian target practice and firing ranges. Read on to discover hilarious jokes related to these subjects!
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Funniest Firing Short Jokes
Short firing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The firing humour may include short fired jokes also.
- What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
- My boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those - I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking . Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .
- Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now. And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
- I got fired from my job as a masseur. There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
- Cigarettes are like hamsters Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
- I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.
- What do hamsters and cigarettes have in common? They're both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire
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Firing One Liners
Which firing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with firing? I can suggest the ones about getting fired and shooting.
- Bullets are so weird They only do their job AFTER they're fired
- I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
- Elon is firing twitter employees with bad posture I have a hunch I might be next.
- My boss fired me for making too many asian jokes It was the end of my Korea
- Why did the fox News Christmas tree catch fire? They left it too close to the gaslight.
- I searched google for "how to start a large fire" 52,000 matches
- I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
- Why was the rifle unemployed? Because it was fired
- If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P
- Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.
- I just got fired for something that I didn't do... my job.
- There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired Because she couldnt control her pupils.
- I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake.
- A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad. He will be missed.
- What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire? Amazon kindle.
Firing Squad Jokes
Here is a list of funny firing squad jokes and even better firing squad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is it acceptable for the leader of a Firing Squad to swear? Because saying oh shoot can cause problems.
- Exececution by a firing squad A guy is about to get executed by a firing squad.
He is granted with 1 last wish.
"a sigaret please" he says
"And fire". - A nun is put to death by a firing squad.... She lived and died holey.
- Did you hear about the Russian firing squad? They stood in a circle
- What were the last words of a man executed by firing squad? I hope you will miss me.
- How many Buzzfeed workers does it take to form a firing squad? 10. But number 5 will blow your mind!
- The story of a U.S Army member named Will His 3rd day into battle, his squad commander, upon seeing enemies, yelled FIRE AT WILL!
- I got fired from the bomb squad yesterday. It's too bad really... I had a blast working there.
- The Russian election system Where citizens choose between Vladimir Putin or a KGB firing squad.
- Why was the soldier put to firing squad? Because they found him eating 3 musketeers
Firing Range Jokes
Here is a list of funny firing range jokes and even better firing range puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will. Soldier: Which one is Will?
- I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn't get my gun to fire. I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
- I was at the firing range when a family walked right into the lanes while people were firing to hang their targets. That's one family no one will miss.
- What's the difference between an american school and a firing range? The school has moving targets.
- Why did the farmer's house catch on fire? He left his home on the range.
- It would s**... to be named Will at a shooting range. "Fire at will"
- I was banned from the firing range after s**... shooting. Apparently it is frowned upon to catch the clay pigeons and dispatch them execution-style.
Hilarious Firing Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about firing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hiring jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make firing pranks.
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot
A 9 month pregnant woman with triplets is waiting in line at the bank when robbers run in and start firing shots. The woman gets shot in the belly 3 times and is taken to the hospital. After the surgery the nurse tells the woman that she will be fine and that her babies are fine too, however, this is an unusual situation where the bullets are in each of her babies and after some years the bullets will come out.
Ten years later, one of her daughters comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," replied the daughter. The woman remembers what the nurse had told her years ago so she tells her daughter, "Its okay Christy. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her second daughter comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," she says. The woman again calms down her daugher, "Its okay Jenny. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her son comes crying to her. She asks, "what is it Johnny? Did you pee and a bullet came out?" Johnny says, "no. I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...
The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.
The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."
The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"
The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her b**... and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.
The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."
The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"
The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her b**... and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.
The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."
The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"
A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.
The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"
firing squad
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a p**..., are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the p**.... He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
The brunette, the redhead, and the blonde.
One day a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were set to be executed. They lined the three woman up in front of a firing squad. First, they brought the brunette up. Ready, aim. But just before they shoot she shouts "Earthquake!" and in the commotion she escapes. Once the chaos dies down they bring up the redhead. Ready, aim."Tornado!" and she escapes. Then they bring the blonde up. By that time the blonde has caught on. Ready aim, and she shouts "Fire"!
Hostage Escape
A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.
When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"
Pigs
Standing next to pig processing plant when I heard all the machines firing up and smoke started bellowing from the stacks. Only thought is, man that place is going full boar
How do you know you're facing a polish firing squad?
They stand around you in a circle
What's the worst way to lose your job?
By firing squad.
So a gun expert has a seizure
His neurons were firing with BOTH barrels.
Poor Will...
Everyone's always firing at him.
A joke my grandad would use on occasion.
What did Clint Eastwood say before firing up the ceramic bowl he made in pottery class?
Go ahead, bake my clay.
*walks away slowly*
3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad
The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"
3 men are lined up for the firing squad...
...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**
Last request...
A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.
"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."
The general agrees and takes a step back.
"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"
My wife caught me checking out the nanny the other day.
She fired the nanny. Then she told me no more s**... for a year!
I said, "You're firing the maid, too?"
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
What is the hardest part about firing a black man?
Waiting for him to show up.
The condemned prisoner stood before the firing squad.
The jail warden told him that as per custom, he was to be granted one final request, provided it was something straightforward and easily manageable.
The prisoner explained that he loved singing and requested to sing his favourite childhood song to completion.
The warden motioned to the firing squad to hold their fire until the song was completed.
The prisoner held his head up high and started to sing - "A billion bottles of beer on the wall, a billion bottles of beer..."
Pregnant elephants
What is harder then getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
I'm taking a gunsmithing class and this was in the text book with no context. Just stuffed between a paragraph on s**... pins and one on replacing firing pins.
An englishman was sued for discrimination after firing all the redheads from his s**... club.
He was able to get off Scot-free.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down.
They don't know I'm firing blanks.
There was three pilots...
Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "b**... run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".
Tupac walked into his boss's office....
His boss said, "Sit down, we need to talk. I am firing you. You need Tupac your things and go."
My father always complained about his firing from Lay's after being caught stealing produce.
He always did have a huge chip on his shoulder.
As a Trump supporter, I am really disappointed by all these firing at the White House.
Why aren't the firing televised live on TV? And there needs to be some suspenseful music prior to finding out who is being fired along with like 12 commercial breaks that can help pay down the national debt.
No hurry!
Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.
The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.
The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.
The third prisoner asked for strawberries. Strawberries? asked the guards. But they're out of season! It's okay, said the prisoner. I'll wait….
By firing one of its most veteran journalists, NBC is sending a clear message…
*'Where In the World Is Matt Lauer?'* is going to be a lot harder this year.
A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.
The brunette went first. Seeing that the soldiers were a little naive, she waited until they raised their rifles and yelled "TORNADO!". The soldiers panicked and ran and in the ensuing confusion the brunette escaped.
They then beought out the redhead. She waited until the soldiers raised their rifles and yelled "FLOOD!". Again the soldiers ran for cover and she was able to escape.
The blonde was then brought out. Ahe decided to try and mimic her friends. So, as the soldiers raised their rifles, she yelled "FIRE!"....
The best way to get the most diversity recognition is firing your diversity officer for not being diverse enough.
I just bought a new gun that has f**... recognition software
It keeps firing until it doesn't recognize a face anymore.
When you think about it
Elon Musk firing that Tesla towards mars is the most epic mike drop in human history thus far. It still hasn't landed.
A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.
Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"
Unlike Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un would NEVER throw a former advisor under the bus.
He'd throw them in front of a firing squad.
An English man, Scottish man, and a Irish man were about to be executed by the firing squad.
They put the Englishman against the wall, when he says
"EARTH QUAKE!".
The firing squad start panicking, whilst the English man runs off.
They put the Scottish man against the wall, when he says
"FLOOD!".
The firing squad start panicking more, whilst he also runs off.
They put the Irish man against the wall, when he says
"FIRE!"
What does a Chicago Cop say after firing six shots into an unarmed fleeing suspect?
Stop. Police.
What did the manager say to the dinosaur when firing him?
You're pterano-done
TIFU by firing the wrong employee
Whoops, wrong sub (ordinate)
TIFU By firing a torpedo at an allied U-Boat
Whoops wrong sub.
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
Q: How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being s**..., and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bulb.
My d**... brother made a YouTube video by firing dad's taser at the camera.
What happened next will shock you.
Man bought a gun.
A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.
Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"
Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"
Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"
Man: *firing into the ceiling* "Not without a fight!"
There was a young French artillery officer, who had notions of grandeur, that is, until the day he stood too close to a firing cannon
He thought he was Napoleon, but he was actually blown-a-part.
A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...
Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"
The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."
The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!
The prisoner shouted "ABOUT..... FACE!"
The officer shouted "FIRE!"
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
