Firewood Jokes
31 firewood jokes and hilarious firewood puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about firewood that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Firewood Short Jokes
Short firewood jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The firewood humour may include short wood log jokes also.
- My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him? Axeing for a friend.
- After cleaning up from a recent severe storm, my neighbor offered me free wood for my fireplace. That was very nice of him. Free firewood doesn't grow on trees, you know.
- So me and my pal George went down the river to get some firewood when an angry bear began to charge! George explained we weren't Packers fans, so the property owner didn't charge us for trespassing.
- "I can't believe it, this firewood practically burns out almost immediately." "Oh dude, that's a negative log."
- What do you call a gangster who spends all his money on a firewood for the winter? Wood Rich
- What's the difference between firewood and a jew? The firewood ain't been turned into ash yet.
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Firewood One Liners
Which firewood one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with firewood? I can suggest the ones about chopping wood and cutting wood.
- What did Texans use for heat before the advent of firewood? Electricity
- What do you call a friendly Chinese man who gives out free firewood? Kind Ling
- What's the best way to chop firewood? Axing for a friend.
- How Much Firewood Does A Guitarist Buy For The Winter? A Chord.
- I like my women how I like my firewood.... Chopped up and piled in my basement.
- How do they chop firewood in Harlem? With an ask.
- When is a door not a door. When I smash it up with an axe, then it's firewood.
- Burning love What kind of e**... does a burn victim get?
Firewood.
Cheeky Firewood Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about firewood you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lumberjack wood jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make firewood pranks.
Deer Season
Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.
FBI Investigation.
The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding m**... inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no m**.... They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."
Who said r**... aren't real smart?
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding m**... inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.
His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
The logger
So a logger wakes up in the morning and goes off into the forest with his waist-bag, to find some firewood.
After finding some wood, he puts it into his waist-bag and is returning home when a man stops him and asks "What's that bulge in your bag?"
"Oh," says the logger. "Just some morning wood."
Helping your neighbour South African Style
Hello, is this the South African Police?
Eish-Yes. What you want?
I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (Cannabis) inside his firewood.
Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society suh
The next day, the Police descends on Hendrik's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga (Cannabis) . They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house.
Hey, Hendrik! Did the Police come?
Ja! (Yes!)
Did they chop your firewood for the braai (BBQ) tonight?
Ja… (Yes...)
Happy birthday my friend!
How to catch a bear.
Dig a deep hole, fill it with twigs and other pieces of firewood, and burn the wood. When the wood is all good and burned, cover the hole with some sort of coverage, and open a can of vegetables, like peas and place the peas all around the entrance to the hole. Hide somewhere downwind of the hole
When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
The stranded Chinese, American and Dutch
So a Chinese, an American and a Dutch are stranded on an island. The American takes responsibility and says: "We need things to survive so I would say that go fish, you Chinese guy get some suplies and the Dutch should get firewood for the night."
Like the American said, it happend. In the evening the American is waiting with the Dutch at the fire and after some time the Dutch askes the American: "Nou seg, where is the Chinese?" He wasn't done yet when the Chinese jumps out a bush screaming:
"SUPLISE!!!"
w**... in wood
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's
hidin' m**... inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no m**....
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding m**... in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no m**..., swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
