Fires Jokes
94 fires jokes and hilarious fires puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fires that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Fires Short Jokes
Short fires jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fires humour may include short burn jokes also.
- What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
- My boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those - I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking . Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .
- Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now. And there's notre dame thing they can do about it.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me. 13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
- I got fired from my job as a masseur. There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
- Cigarettes are like hamsters Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
- I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.
- What do hamsters and cigarettes have in common? They're both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire
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Fires One Liners
Which fires one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fires? I can suggest the ones about forest fire and fireworks.
- Bullets are so weird They only do their job AFTER they're fired
- I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
- Elon is firing twitter employees with bad posture I have a hunch I might be next.
- My boss fired me for making too many asian jokes It was the end of my Korea
- Why did the fox News Christmas tree catch fire? They left it too close to the gaslight.
- I searched google for "how to start a large fire" 52,000 matches
- I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
- Why was the rifle unemployed? Because it was fired
- If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P
- Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.
- I just got fired for something that I didn't do... my job.
- There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired Because she couldnt control her pupils.
- I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake.
- A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad. He will be missed.
- What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire? Amazon kindle.
Fun-Filled Fires Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about fires you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean flames jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fires pranks.
I had an ounce of w**... last week :)
But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(
Two men are hunting in the woods.
One of them sees a deer and fires, but accidentally shoots his friend in the back. When he realizes what happened, he immediately calls 911.
"Hello, what is your emergency?"
"I think I just killed my friend while hunting!"
"Ok, we'll send an ambulance immediately. But don't say things like that unless you're certain. Can you make sure he's dead?"
The emergency operator hears him walk a few steps then, *bang!*
"Ok, now I'm sure."
A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.
They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have large, flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
What Does Your Father Do?
It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"
A cowboy walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and sits down. As he's waiting, he pulls out a revolver without warning and fires at the fan standing in the corner. The bartender runs over, shocked. "What on earth do you think you're doing?!" he cries.
"Oh, you know," the cowboy drawls, "just shootin' the breeze."
Did you hear about the carnival fires?
They were intense.
Two statisticians go deer hunting...
they are out all day long when finally they spot a 5 point buck. They simultaneously crouch down silently, take aim, and shoot. The first statistician fires 20 feet to the left of the deer. The second statistician fires 20 feet to the right of the deer. In unison, they both shout out "got it"!
Thank you folks, I'll be here all week. Tip your waiters.
Elephants
How many legs does an elephant have?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
Why don't elephants make good dancers?
They have two left feet.
What's flat and feathery and half an inch tall?
A duck who tried to teach an elephant how to dance.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks, of course.
Hostage Escape
A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.
When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"
A student brings a slingshot to algebra class and fires gum at the professor
It was a weapon of math disruption.
Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.
It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.
Three mathematicians go hunting.
As they are out hunting, they see a bird. The numerical analyst fires, but misses to the left. The applied mathematician fires and misses to the right. The statistician shouts out, "We hit it!"
At the young age of 5,
a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.
Smokey said "Only you can prevent Forest fires"
That's alot of pressure.
They say that you should always dress for the job you want and not the job you have, so all week I have been coming into the office dressed as a fireman.
I can't say that the reaction has been positive overall, but I'm going to stick with it, because I think perseverance is a pretty important trait to have if your job is fighting fires.
What do you get when you cross a dairy farmer with someone who moulds and fires clay?
A dairy potter.
A Chemist, An Engineer, and A Statistician
A Chemist, an engineer, and a statistician are out in the woods hunting. The chemist says" Watch this" and fires his rifle. His shot lands five yards short of the deer. The engineer laughs and says "Watch this" and calculates for wind resistance. His shot lands five yards over the dear. The statistician suddenly stands up and screams "WE GOT HIM"
What are red heads good for?
Lighting fires.
I'm a Responsible Gun Owner.
I did the right thing and got my gun neutered. Now it just fires blanks.
The funny thing about strippers and fires...
The people that are going to show up are the other most experienced people on a pole.
Firestien just came out with a new Jewish tire.
It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up too.
Why did ISIS leader bring a car-door to the desert?
-So he could roll down the window when it gets too hot.
How we joke in Kurdistan *fires ak*
What do you call a rifle that fires 3 bullets at once?
A trifle!
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
There were alot of forest fires in 2016
You could say last year was pretty lit
Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...
Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.
What did the ranger tell Smokey when the National Forest Service was de-funded?
I can bear-ly handle all these fires alone.
A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician all go hunting.
After sitting quietly on a hillside for a few hours, they spot a buck in the field below.
The mathematician measures up his shot and does some rough calculations on bullet drop, then fires. He misses about 5 feet to the left.
The physicist says "you forgot to account for wind!" He lines up his shot, and over-corrects, missing by about 5 feet to the right.
They both look over at the statistician, who proclaims: "We hit him!"
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out burning fires.
Why do elephants have big feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
I lost all my w**...
in a series of small fires.
What's the difference between roast beef and forest fires?
Anyone can roast beef but only YOU can prevent forest fires.
Why do ducks have big flat feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.
Three statisticians go out hunting...
and come across a large deer.
The first statistician fires, but misses by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fires, but also misses, this time by a meter to the right.
The third statistician doesn't fire, but starts shouting in triumph "We got it! We got it!"
Why did the arsonist quit starting fires?
He got burned out.
Did you hear about the Elvis museum that got caught in the path of the California fires?
Now it's just a Hunka Hunk of Burning Love.
What happens once they put out those fires in LA?
UCLA
I'm watching the horrific pictures of the US Wild Fires in Bel-Air.
They believe it was started by an Arsonist.
They are dusting for fresh prints.
.
.
.
.
Too soon???????
Did you hear about the homophobic firefighter?
He only put out camp fires.
Little Timothy comes from school...
"How was school?" Asked the mom
"It was a blast! We got to make huge fires!"
"Oh that sounds scary! Are you going to do that again tomorrow at school?"
"Well there's no more school, so I can't say mom."
"Well why not?"
"It got pretty lit in there."
"You kids must've been all fired up!"
"It was blazing."
In one episode of Dexter's Laboratory, Dexter fires Dee-Dee because.....
....he can't focus properly when she distracts him. So he hires this pretty blonde girl to mimic Dee-Dee, and he asks her "I want to see you dance" "That'll be 50$ extra" Took me awhile to figure that one out
A chemist, a biologist, and a statistician are out hunting...
The chemist spots a deer and takes a shot at it, but misses by 5 feet to the left. The biologist then fires but misses by 5 feet to the right. The statistician then proclaims "We got 'em!"
I know how to permanently end all forest fires.
Burn down all of the forests.
The firefighters in Greece are making the fire worse.
You aren't supposed to use water on Greece fires.
How can they possibly put out the fires near Athens..????
Everyone knows not to throw water onto a Greece fire
So my dad told this joke the other day...
Why is it so hard to put out the fires in Athens?
...because it's a Greece fire.
Trump fires his chauffeur
"You're fired! This is the second time this week you've almost killed me!"
"Please, Mr. Trump, give me one more chance"
Keep your eyes out for the early signs of a psychopath:
1) Obsession with setting fires
2) Persistent bedwetting past the age of 5
3) Cruelty to animals
4) Pronouncing "GIF" with a soft "G"
A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun...
and fires it just missing the man. The man says thanks, leaves a tip, and walks out.
He had the hiccups
How can you tell a smokejumper at a party?
Don't worry, he'll tell you.
(Old wildland fire joke)
prayers to all those out there on these fires.
Q. Which shredding guitarist is best for putting out electrical fires?
A. Eddie Van Halon.
Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.
From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.
From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes bang bang
This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.
A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?
Yeah!
Well come on over, i'll sell you some!
You too can help prevent wild fires.
Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free!
What do you call a man who fires glitter out of his b**...?
A party p**...
Florida man fires gun at a retail store.
It was target.
Thinking outside the box
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.
"What are you complaining about?" he fires back. "You still haven't used the present I gave you last year."
Pretty girls are like fires...
If you don't give them oxygen, they die.
Dad, are we breaking the law by starting all these fires?
Yes, we arson.
The couple who started the gender reveal fires have said they are not to blame.
"Don't blame us, blame arson'"
I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Californians for the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them.
Elephant jokes, because it's what 2021 needs
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
Bonus #1: How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.
Bonus #2: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence!
Bonus #3: No more elephant jokes.
What do Russians call it when you put a bullet in a gun and fire it at your head?
s**....
What do Russians call it when someone else puts a bullet in a gun and fires it at your head?
s**....
What do you call a British man who sets fires to people's behinds?
An arsenist.
A panda walks into a bar...
A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
Why are fire engines red?
So they can sneak up on fires without being caught.
Why aren't people allowed to bbq n**... during hot, dry climates?
High risk of Bush fires.
Average joke
3 teachers, Science, Auto shop, and Mathematics, go hunting together over their winter vacation. They come across an enormous 6 point buck. The science teacher who saw it first takes aim. He fires and misses by 3 feet to left. The auto shop teacher shoulders him asside and says, " this is how you do it!". He fires and misses 3 feet to the right. The math teacher jumps up and Screams, "we got him!".
What do Jewish rioters use to start fires?
Mazel tov cocktails
Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.
Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.
I think it's smart for Texans to remove books from libraries...
They're going to need more fuel for the fires after the Power Grid fails again
For all you economics enthusiasts
Three economists go hunting and come across a deer.
The first economist aims and fires but the bullets misses and goes a little to the left.
The second economist aims and fires but the bullet misses and goes a little to the right.
The third economist starts celebrating and exclaims yahoo!!! We got it!!!
Best joke my dad ever told me (he wasn't good at telling jokes)
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To put out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks.
A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...
are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfections, then performs his own calculations. After carefully aiming the cannon and firing, he overshoots by 10 meters.
The statistician then begins shouting with glee that they hit the target.
Three statisticians go hunting
Once they're in the forest, they see a deer.
The first statistician raises his rifle, fires, and misses by ten feet to the left.
The second statistician raises his rifle, fires, and misses by ten feet to the right.
The third statistician jumps up and down. "We got him!"
A statistician goes hunting with his friend
After a few hours in the tree stand, his friend sees a ten-point buck. He takes careful aim and fires, but misses the buck by a foot to the left. Fortunately the buck was not scared off, and he quietly reloads and takes another shot. The shot misses the buck by a foot to the right.
The statistician yells in triumph "You got him! You got him!"
Do you know why Ducks have big flat feet?
So they can stomp out forest fires.
Do you know why elephants have big flat feet?
So they can stomp out flaming Ducks.
A statistics joke...
Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows. They see a giant buck in the woods. Statistician #1 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the left. Statistician #2 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the right. Statistician #3 throws down his bow and yells, "We got it!"
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...
The three see a buck a little distance away.
The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.
The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding in wind resistance and adding a fudge factor to include wind variations, Coriolis forces, and other, unknown variables. He fires, and the round lands 10 meters behind the buck.
The statistician jumps up and yells, "We got him!"
