Fire Engine Jokes

Following is our collection of halt humor and bonfire one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Fire Engine puns for adults, dirty engines jokes or clean starter gags for kids.

There is an abundance of blaze jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 58 funniest jokes on fire engine. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any wildfire witze you can hear about fire engine.

The Best jokes about Fire Engine

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the fire and uses the extinguisher to put it out.

A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"

Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!

Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off

Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out

Bad news: The parachute failed midair

Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him

Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with sh!t

Good news: He didn't land on the sh!t

Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either

Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.

"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.

"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"


An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.

Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.

The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt.

The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, he promptly continues drinking.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Cats and ladders

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.

"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

A Pastor, a Doctor, and an Engineer...

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Golf jokes today is it? Here's mine

A three-man group, a doctor, a priest, and an engineer are playing a golf course on a beautiful summer day. After a few holes they realize the group ahead of them is progressing incredibly slowly; the doctor flags down the groundskeeper and asks "What's taking them so long? I've got patients to see this afternoon!"

The grounds keeper explains, "Well, we had a fire in the clubhouse a few years back. A group of firefighters was able to save it, but they lost their sight in the blaze. Since then, we allow them to play for free whenever they like."

The doctor responds, "That's terrible! I'll speak with the ophthalmologists I know, perhaps one of them can help these poor men."

The priest nods before adding, "I'll keep these men in my prayers and see about getting donations from my congregation for the families"

The engineer looks at the doctor, priest, and groundskeeper and asks, "Why can't they just play at night?"

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer shared a hotel room

Midnight, the waste basket caught on fire. The mathematician woke up first, looked at the fire and the water bottle next to it. He then wrote on a piece of paper "between the fire and the bottle, a solution exists", signed, and went back to sleep.

The physicist wake up second, saw the fire and the mathematician's paper, then went to the basket and measure the paper in the basket and the water in the bottle, then went back and wrote "half the bottle is sufficient", signed, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up last, saw the fire and the paper, processed to dump the whole bottle into the fire, and went back to sleep without signing anything.

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

A farmer and a pig with four wooden legs are walking down a road

I ask the man Why does your pig have four wooden legs?

The farmer replied There was this one time my house started on fire and this very pig pulled me out and saved my life!

I asked again So why does he have wooden legs?

The farmer replied again My tractor had severe engine problems and if it wasn't for this pig I would have gone up in flames!

I asked one last time SO WHY DOES THE PIG HAVE WOODEN LEGS???

The farmer looked up calmly and said If you had a pig this great, would you eat it all in one go?

A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and a statistician were all staying at the same hotel.

One night, the physicist wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire. He quickly grabs a bucket of water and puts the fire out.

The engineer is also sleeping and wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire as well. He pulls out his calculator and calculates the exact amount of water necessary to put the fire out. He then proceeds to actually put the fire out.

The mathematician likewise wakes up to see his trash can on fire. He pulls out his calculator and calculates that water can be used to put fires out. He then returns to his bed.

The statistician continues setting trash cans on fire to get a larger sample size.

A plane was once flying over an island..

A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice:

Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.

This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

There is a plane of children along with a priest, a rabbi, and a rapper is flying to New York

Suddenly, the engine catches fire. The rabbi says, "We must save the children." The rapper yells back, "Screw the children!" The Priest responds, "Do you think we have enough time?"


A plane is going down...

An airplane of holiday makers is flying over the pacific when the engine fails and takes a nosedive. Everyone dies except for 3: two guys and one girl. They wash up on a beach of a deserted island and set about building a fire, fishing, making a shelter etc. When the sun goes down and they are bored there is only one thing to do, so they do what comes naturally to them . . .
This set up continues untill the girl gets sick, soon after she dies. The two guys are alone. So at night they continue doing what comes naturally to each other . . .
But after a few weeks they feel really bad about doing it so they bury her. . .

An Engineer, Vice-President, and CEO are on the Golf Course...

The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it."

The Vice-President then hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it."

The CEO then hits the ball into the woods and says "Have the engineer go get it, and then fire him. He should have warned us that might happen."

A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting...

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer continues grazing.

"You idiot," the engineer says, "you didn't account for gravity or drag!" -- so he pulls out his notebook, does some quick calculations, and fires using his recalibrated aim. BANG! But the shot falls 10 feet short.

Suddenly, the statistician shouts: "We got him!"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hall, for it has reignited. He finds a fire hose, and, after calculating velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., he extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Satisfied, he goes to bed. Even later, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He goes into the hall and sees the fire and hose. He thinks for a moment, then exclaims, "Ah! A solution exists!", and then goes back to bed.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, are sleeping in a hotel...

The hotel catches on fire, so the engineer goes to the bathroom, fills up a couple buckets of water, and puts out the fire in his room then happily go back to sleep. The physicist calculates the center of the fire, measures out a teaspoon of water, and throws it in the center, putting out the fire and then happily goes to sleep. The mathematician wakes up, defines that there is a way to put out the fire, then happily goes to sleep.

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

German life guard joke



A group of tourists were on a boat in hamburg when the engine exploded and created a fire in the bottom of the boat.

They quickly called up the German coast guard for the German Life. Who answered with "Ja, Hallo, dis is ze German Coast Guard, How can i help you?

They responded "Help we're sinking!"

The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. Panicking, he leaps out of bed in only his robe and slippers, kicks over the wastebasket, and stomps out the flames, spreading ash and cinders all over his bedroom.

A physicist wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. A bit startled, he hurries to the kitchen and returns with a large dinner plate. He places the plate over the wastebasket and waits for the fire to extinguish.

A mathematician wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. Coolly, he sits down at his desk with a pen and paper and scribbles some formulas. He scratches out his work, then lights a cigarette and sits back to consider. Suddenly thoughtful, he looks at the glass of water sitting on his desk. He takes one last drag from his cig, then drops it in the glass and watches it go out. "Aha!" he exclaims, "a solution exists!" and then returns to bed.

An engineer, a doctor and a priest were playing golf.

A foursome was playing ahead of them and each man had his own personal ball spotter lining them up and then taking them to their ball.

The game was moving extremely slow and the men were starting to become annoyed.

The head golf pro showed up to see how the men were doing. The priest, being curious asked the pro what the deal with the men was.

The pro answered that the four men were firefighters that lost their eyesight in the clubhouse fire the year before. Because of this they get to play for free and get their own caddies.

The priest hearing this was saddened and said he would pray every night for the men.

The doctor then said that we would do everything in his power to find a way to get these men's eyesight back to them.

The engineer then asked the pro why the men can't play at night.

Engineering teacher gave us this one.

So a priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf but they are stuck behind an incredibly slow foursome. They keep waiting and finally the groundskeeper drives by and they ask him whats going on with the group ahead.

He explains that the group ahead is made up of four firefighters that, when putting out a fire in the clubhouse a few months earlier, had been blinded by an explosion, and to repay them they are allowed to golf whenever they want.

After hearing the sad news about the four firefighters, the priest immediately says "I will certainly pray for these brave men to regain their sight."

The doctor replies, "And I will talk with my colleagues regarding any cures for injuries like this."

The Engineer asks "Why don't they just play at night?"

A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel...

A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel in 3 separate rooms. All 3 of their waste paper baskets catch on fire and wake them up from their humble slumber.
The physicist sees the fire and thinks quickly! He calculates the amount of water needed to put out the fire, and douses it with water. The fire goes out and he goes back to bed.
The engineer sees the fire and thinks quickly! He draws, designs, and constructs a larger bucket to suffocate the fire. The fire goes out and he goes back to bed.
The mathematician sees the fire and thinks quickly! He gets out a pad of paper and a pen and starts calculating. After a few minutes he yells "ahah! This problem has a solution!" And goes back to bed.

An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.

A Physicist and an Engineer take turns shooting at a deer.

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes a turn to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer's pad and a book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he's ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician leaps in the air shouting, "We got it!"

Since you liked the first one...more Russian jokes. (Airplane Intercom Version)

"Good afternoon passengers. We are currently flying at 20000 feet. If you take a look out of the windows on the left-hand side you will get a good view of our left engine on fire. If you look out the right-hand side windows you will see our right wing has fallen off. Below the airplane you will soon see 5 parachutes. Our crew thanks you for flying Aeroflot. We wish you a pleasant journey to wherever your final destination may be."

Never Assume

With his request approved, the Bulletin newspaper photographer quickly used his mobile phone and called the Townsville airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind, and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over Mount Stuartvand make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?"asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin" he responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then he stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're not my flight instructor?"

the fowled experiment

scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

british engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. arrangements were made. but when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

horrified the britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just three words, "thaw the chicken".

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

He Tries To Give A Little Girl Some Advice. But Didn't Expect This Reply.

One afternoon, firefighter Rick was working on the engine outside the Fire Station, when he noticed a little Susan nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The Susan was wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

So firefighter Rick walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck, the firefighter said with admiration to Susan.

Thanks, the little Susan replied.

Then firefighter Rick looked a little closer, The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

Little partner, firefighter Rick said, I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go a lot faster.

The little Susan replied thoughtfully, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.

The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. He then goes to the bathroom and fills a bucket with the precise amount of water he needs (accounting for measurement error), and proceeds to put out the fire. He then goes back to bed.

The mathematician wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire.

"Aha! A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed.


*Alternate ending*

Later that night the hotel's electrical system fails again, causing sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the bed sheets. The mathematician wakes up, considers the fire, and then takes the still-burning sheets and puts them in the wastepaper basket.

"Aha! I've reduced the problem to a previously-solved form!" And he goes back to bed.

What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer?

An engineer and a physicist are roommates. One day a fire starts in the kitchen. The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed.

The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again. This time the physicist is the only one home. The physicist gets out of bed and sees the fire. He looks at the wall and sees a fire extinguisher. He then goes back to bed happy knowing that a solution exists.

A Chemist, An Engineer, and A Statistician

A Chemist, an engineer, and a statistician are out in the woods hunting. The chemist says" Watch this" and fires his rifle. His shot lands five yards short of the deer. The engineer laughs and says "Watch this" and calculates for wind resistance. His shot lands five yards over the dear. The statistician suddenly stands up and screams "WE GOT HIM"

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting.

They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.
The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineering pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he's ready. He takes aim and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician triumphantly leaps in the air shouting, We got it!

Driver's License Test Question:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
Get off the Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk!

Why is a fire engine red?

You'd be red too if your hose was showing.

manager told me this one at dinner last weekend

Working in the field of engineering, things can get pretty dull...so here it goes.

There once was a man, lets call him John, who applied for a position at Tyco to manufacture Tickle-me Elmos. He figured he would make the cut as he knew the hiring manager. John landed the job and was told he'd be needed right away.

John reports to duty the next day and is immediately greeted by a man storming out of the building who obviously just got fired. On his way out he tells the John "Watch out, sales are down...you might be next."

Once John reports to his manager(friend), he inquires about sales being down to which the manager responds, "Yes indeed, sales are down because quality has depreciated." John asks why and the manager says, "People aren't testing the Elmo dolls seriously, you need two test tickles not just one"

Trump, Putin the Pope and Kim Jong-Un travelling by the sam airplane

The plane's engines are sudenly stopped, and they starts to falling. They have only three parachutes. The first one is grabbed by Trump and he sais: "I'm the most important person on Earth, I have to survive" and he jumps. The other one is grabbed by Kim Jong-Un and he sais: "I'm the mastermind, I'm the most clever man on Earth I have to live" after that he jumps. The pope takes a deep breath and sais to Putin: Go with the third parachute son, may the Almighty helps me. Putin replies: "Both of us can survive Holy Father, because the Mastermind jumped with the fire extinguisher."

**Long** A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer...

So, these three are in a hotel. The engineer is woken up in the middle of the night by a fire. He grabs an extinguisher, and puts out the fire, then goes back to sleep.

Later, the physicist is woken up for the same reason. He does some quick calculations, and dumps the precise amount of water onto the flames to extinguish them.

Finally, the mathematician is woken by the smell of smoke. He walks over to where the fire had been, and finds embers. He coaxes a fire out of them, then goes back to sleep, knowing he has reduced it to an already solved problem.

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Why are fire engines red?

You would be too if you were running down the road with your hose hanging out!

The mathematician awakens, and finds another fire in the hallway.

He looks out the door, then goes back to bed. The house ends up burning down, but the physicist and engineer manages to save the mathematician. When asked why he didn't put out the fire, he says: "I saw the fire, I saw the extinguisher, the solution was trivial."

Civil engineer fired after forgetting how to design electricity-generating water barriers.

He lost his dam mind.

A boss is about to fire his engineer after a bridge collapses.

But after seeing the engineer weeping, tells him "oh cry me a river, just build a new one and get over it."

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...

... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.

Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.

-------

Bonus: Incest is a family-wise error.

Tension at work

Local engineer was fired after building a road over a creak further up stream then planned. Dispite his long years of service, it was a bridge too far.

This is Captain Sinclair speaking.
On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message.
Have a good flight!

A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist were all staying at the same hotel...

One night, the physicist wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire. He quickly grabs a bucket of water and puts the fire out.

The engineer is also sleeping and wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire as well. He pulls out his calculator and calculates the exact amount of water necessary to put the fire out. He then proceeds to actually put the fire out.

The mathematician likewise wakes up to see his trash can on fire. He pulls out his calculator and calculates that water can be used to put fires out. He then returns to his bed.

The statistician continues setting trash cans on fire to get a larger sample size.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Boss: You are fired

Me: *Turns in gun and badge*

Boss: You are an engineer where did you find those?

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.

They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes