Finishing School Jokes
60 finishing school jokes and hilarious finishing school puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about finishing school that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Finishing School Short Jokes
Short finishing school jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The finishing school humour may include short finishing work jokes also.
- I knew a guy who said he didn't marry his high school sweetheart until after he finished college. I asked him, "How come?"
He said, "Well, duh. I was working on my bachelor's degree." - A lot of people make a big deal about age differences in couples. As far as I'm concerned a girl is fair game as soon as she's finished school. So usually at about 3:15
- Name your newborn Cylinder so the day he finishes high school he'd become a Graduated Cylinder
- I've just finished the script for a film I titled "American Schools" Shooting starts soon.
- I was standing outside their school waiting for the kids to finish, when a parent came up and asked "So which one is yours?" I replied "Not sure, haven't decided yet".
- According to Jewish theology, at what point does a fetus become a person? When they finish med school.
- My plan is to finish law school, and pass the bar. If that doesn't work out, I'll just open a bar and name it 'You Have Been Served'.
- Q: How do you know when an Asian robs your house?
A: Your technology has been upgraded, your homework is finished, but he's still trying to back out of your drive way. - Son: mom, all the kids at school tell me I have a big mouth. Mom: oh no sweetie, don't listen to them you don't have a big mouth. Now take your shovel and finish your soup.
- What do you call a WWII battle that finished it's senior year at communism school? Leningrad
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Finishing School One Liners
Which finishing school one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with finishing school? I can suggest the ones about leaving school and end of school.
- What did the pop can become when it finished high school? A graduated cylinder.
- What do dogs do when they finish obedience school ? They get their masters.
- What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school? Hopefully not my doctor
- What do you do when you finish a magazine in a school?
- What do you call the guy that finished last in his class at law school? Your Honor.
- What do you call someone who never finished medical school. Mr. Doctor.
- The Teacher asks what his favourite high school memory 5 years after finishing Leaving
- Just finished my first day at school in America. And I didn't get shot at
- Why should I drink Mr. Pibb? He didn't even finish grad school.
- I almost became a cop...... I decided to finish High School instead!
- What do you call the kid that finished last place in medical school? Doctor.
- I feel like (for me) to be great one day is to finish what h**... didn't... Art school
- s**... is a lot like homework I stopped getting any once I finished school
Finishing School Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about finishing school you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean high school graduation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make finishing school pranks.
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
What Not to Say to a Policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over?
I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
There was a school about learning roundhouse kicks.
No one finished it.
Why?
Chuck Norris kicked them with a roundhouse kick.
It's his only weakness so no one must know how to do Roundhouse Kick!
Little Johny comes home one day...
Little Johny came home from school one day, and while walking down the hall to his room, happened to look into his parent's room. He saw his mom laying on the bed with dad on top, going at it. At that moment, his dad looked over, and gave a little half grin to Little Johny all while going at it harder on his mom. Little Johny walked down the hall and out of sight of dad.
When they were finished, dad told mom what happened, and mom exclaimed, "You better go explain what we were doing, or he'll be scarred!" Chuckling, dad put on some pants, and walked to Little Johny's room, only to find it empty. Confused, he went to gramma's room and opened the door, only to see Little Johny pumping away at gramma. "Little Johny!" dad screamed, furious, "What do you think you"re doing!" Looking up, Little Johny said, "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom, is it!"
Little Johnny
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying he was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and asked for his mother to have a talk with him.
So his mother takes him quietly by the hand, upstairs to the bedroom. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse" she said to Johnny. So he unbuttons the blouse and takes it off. "Now, take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now, take off my bra and p**...."
Johnny finishes removing them and his mother says "Johnny, please don't wear my clothes to school anymore."
My therapist told me a joke about two southern bells.
So two southern bells grow up in a small town in the south and when they finish high school, one moves up to the north for school and the other stays in the town and marries her high school sweet heart.
Years later, the first one comes back to town to visit her friend who happens to be quite the big shot now. The two meet at the train station and the rich woman says:
"Deeear, do you see that Cadillac?"
"Oh yes I do, it is a nice car."
"My husband bought me that car after the successful birth of our first male-born-son."
"How nice."
The two then go to the town square where they see a big statue.
"Deeear, do you see that statue?"
"Why yes, it looks an awful lot like yourself."
"Yes, my husband bought me that statue after the successful birth of our second male-born-son."
"How nice."
Finally, they arrive at the rich woman's house and see that it is a giant mansion with gardeners and everything.
"Deeear, do you see that mansion?"
"Why yes, it is very extravagant!"
"My husband bought me this mansion after the successful birth of our third male-born-son."
"How nice."
"Well what has your husband bought for you?"
"He put me through finishing school."
"Oh my, finishing school? Well what did you learn there?"
"I learned to say 'how nice' when I really mean '*f**... you*'."
Southern Ladies
Three southern ladies are sitting on a porch, talking about how much their husbands love them. The first lady says, "My husband loves me so much! He bought me this diamond ring!" The second lady responds, "Oh my!" and the third lady says, "Isn't that nice". The second lady then boasts to her friends, "Well, my husband loves me more! He bought me a Mercedes Benz!" The first lady gasps, "Golly! he does love you!" The third lady says, "Isn't that nice". They then proceed to sip their tea when the first lady looks over at the third and says, "Well, doesn't your husband love you? What did he buy you?" The third lady raises her eyebrows, looks at her and says, "My husband sent me to finishing school, so instead of saying f**... You' I say, 'Isn't that nice!'".
The Wasp
There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted and breezes through, finishing with 5 phDs. He then decides he wants to go into politics. He starts out municipally and then onto state government, until he finally decides to run for President of the United States. He wins in a landslide, he was so popular that it was rumoured the opposition even voted for him. After his 8 years in office (yes, he got reelected) he remembers all the other wasps he left behind in the hive. He goes back to visit them. He sees his mother, his father, his auntie, his uncle, his brothers, his sisters, his cousins, and his one in-bred half brother on his dads side. When he is there he gets thirsty, he goes to the watering hole but there is a gigantic line, he estimates that it would take him 3 days to get a drink. "No point in waiting that long." He said. Then he made his way to the cider, but there is an even longer line there. Suddenly, he remembers that almost no one drinks punch in his hive. He makes his way over to the punch bowl, and guess what? There is no punchline.
B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
My daughter came home from school with an assignment that asked to to finish the phrase, "I have a dream..." this is what she came up with.
I have a dream...
That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want to.
Three kids are talking at school...
The first one says: "my dad is a formula one driver; he is super fast!" The second one answers: "Really? My dad is a pilot, and with his jet he is even faster than your dad!" They both turn to the last kid. He puts down his cookie, and tells the others: "My dad is so fast, his timetable says he finishes work at 6, but he's always home by 5". The two other kids are amazed, and they ask where his dad works. "He's a state employee".
How do people finish graduating from a Journalist school? They have to answer one last question. That question is "how do you do an excellent article?"
And the graduate answers "well, I think you press ctrl-c."
"Yes, go on," says the teacher.
"Then you press ctrl-v," says the graduate.
Five minutes later it's the graduation ceremony.
When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik
I wished h**... finished what he didn't finish.
He needed to finish art school. He was a really good artist.
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no.
See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18, and I could just have his motorcycle.
What is s**...?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's s**...?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
Once when I was a teenager
...I stopped at the drugstore to purchase some of those "necessary supplies." I told the pharmacist, "Better give me a dozen, I've got a hot date tonight with the school t**...!" When I got to her house, her mother insisted I join them for dinner. I offered to say grace, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. When I finished, my date leaned over to me and said, "Why, Paul! I had no idea you were so religious!" I replied, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Three boys were talking after school...
Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"
Dads favorite medical school joke.
Medical students were attending their 1st biochemistry class. They all gathered around the Lab table with a u**... sample. The professor dip his finger in u**... & tasted it in his own mouth. Then he asked the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last every one dipped their finger in u**... sample & tasted it.... When everyone finished, the professor looked at them & said: The most important quality is 'Observation'. I dipped my MIDDLE Finger but tasted the INDEX Finger. Today you just learn, how to pay attention.
A little girl came home from sunday school and told her dad, "Daddy, the priest made me do something naughty today"
"WHAT??? WHAT HAPPENED???", he bellowed.
"Well, he took me back to his room and told me to take off my dress" said the girl.
"AND THEN WHAT??", he asked, his face turning purple.
"He took off his robe"
"HE DID WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT?", he demanded, starting to breathe heavily
"Well, that was it" said the girl.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? MAKE SOMETHING UP, THEN, I'M ALMOST FINISHED!!!"
First Pancake
A young mother was preparing breakfast for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. They both said they wanted pancakes. As the pancakes were almost finished and the syrup was being heated in the microwave, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother, who was also a Sunday School teacher, saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She said, If Jesus were sitting here, he would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus.
A gynecologist has a midlife crisis.
He decides to leave the medical profession and become an auto mechanic. He goes to auto mechanic school, and pretty soon it's time for the final exam.
He finishes the exam and is amazed that the instructor has given him a grade of 200. He says to the instructor, "I thought the highest you could score on the test was 100."
"It is, " the instructor replies. "I gave you 50 for taking the engine apart correctly, 50 for putting it back together correctly, and the extra 100 for doing it through the muffler. "
- From The Dirty Joke Book, page 16
For a school video project, I was partnered with the class b**...
Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,
This b**... had the Audacity.
Segura's favorite Jeselnik
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle.
But my mom said no.
See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18.
And I could just have his motorcycle.
- Anthony Jeselnik
(Segura asked him to tell this one on Your Mom's House, and he did.)