Finishing Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

"Ramen."

- Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"

Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."

Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"

A boy was eating chocolate...

A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said

"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"

"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.

"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously

"No. He knew how to mind his own business."

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

Half a head of lettuce

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.

After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.

After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.

After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.

After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

Two drunk men visit a brothel

The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act ,on their way back ...

1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!

1st drunk: Why would u say that???

2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window.

A man is getting into the shower...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

a husband is about to die...

he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make

-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "

everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.

when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:

-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"

the man turns to his wife and says.

-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".

The Guinness Brewery

Mary O'Malley was waiting at home for her husband to come home from work at the Guinness brewery. While she was putting the finishing touches on dinner, she hears a knock on the door. Mary goes to the door to find her husband's friend/coworker, Seamus, on the other side.

"Oh, Seamus! Come in, come in! Please, make yourself at home, I'm just waiting for my husband to come back from work. Can I offer you some tea?" Mary asked.

"No, thank you," replied Seamus. "Mary, unfortunately my visit tonight is not a social one. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it... There was an accident and your husband, well, he fell into a vat of Guinness brew, and he drowned. I'm so sorry, Mary."

Mary collapsed to the floor, and Seamus did his best to comfort her. After a few minutes, she regained her composure enough to ask, "please tell me, because I cannot bear the thought of my husband suffering, was his death quick?"

"Mary, unfortunately I can't say that it was. You see... well... he had to get out three times to piss."

The president is visiting a school

The president was doing a tour of the nation campaigning and one day he stopped at a school to give a presentation to the kids. After finishing the presentation, he took questions from the kids. One little girl raised he hand and asked, "What is a tradgedy?"
"That's a very good question." The president said. "Can anybody answer it.
Another little girl raised her hand. "If a group of kids were clmbing down a cliff, and their ropes broke, and they fell and died, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a horrible accident. Would anyone else like to guess what a tradgedy is?"
A boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "If a bus full of students slipped on a banana peel and fell off a cliff, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a great loss. Does anyone else have a guess."
An older boy raised his hand. "Mr. President," he said, "if you were flying and your plane crashed and you died, that would be a tradgedy."
"Yes," said the president. "Can you tell me why that would be a tradgedy?"
"Because," said the boy, "it wouldn't be a great loss, and it sure as hell wouldn't be an accident."

A farmer was working in his field one morning.....

When a young lad walked by along the road carrying a roll of wire over his shoulder.

"What you got there sonny?" asks the farmer.

"Chicken wire." replies the boy.

"what ya gonna do with that chicken wire boy?" the farmer asks.

"Catch me some chickens sir." says the boy.

The farmer laughs at the boy.

Sure enough, however, during the evening, just as the farmer is finishing plowing his fields, he spots the boy in the distance with half a dozen chickens strung over his back.

The next morning, the farmer sees the boy walking by again. This time the boy is carrying a handful of grey objects.

"What ya got there sonny?" asks the farmer.

"Duct tape." replies the boy.

"What ya gonna do with that duct tape boy?" asks the farmer, "Catch your self some ducks?" he laughs.

"Sure am sir." the boy answers.

The farmer laughs again.

Sure enough however, the farmer spots the boy walking by in the evening with a string of ducks over his shoulder. He is amazed.

The next morning the farmer sees the boy again walking by. This time the kid is carrying a bundle of sticks.

"What ya carrying those sticks for sonny?" ask the farmer.

"These ain't just any old sticks sir," replies the boy, "This here is pussy willow."

"You wait right there son." says the farmer, "Let me go grab my hat."

Hillary Meets with Satan

Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer...

"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."

Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"

"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.

"A pandering media?" she asked.

"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.

"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.

"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.

Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:

"So...what's the catch?"

Wife just got out the shower...

The husband is hopping into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the door-bell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Bob looks a bit flustered from seeing her in the towel, but smiles and says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking about it she realises she has the chance of earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

A physicist walks into a bar

and he orders a beer and turns to the stool next to him and offers it a beer. He finishes his drink and then leaves. The next day he returns to the bar, orders a beer, and offers a beer to the stool next to him before finishing his drink and leaving. This continues on for a week before the bartender finally asks, " Why in the world do you keep offering that stool a beer?" The physicist replies " The laws of physics dictate that there is a slight possibility that at some point the matter above this stool could reform into a beautiful woman, who would then accept the drink." The bartender is puzzled for a second before replying " The bar is full of beautiful women. Why not see if they will accept your drink?" The physicist quickly laughs before saying " Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"

It's dark

Little Johnny likes playing hooky quite often and he hides in his mom's closet until she takes a nap. One day he plays hooky as usual but today a strange guy comes over and he and Johnny's mom have sex. Right as they're finishing up johnny's dad comes home early so the man hides in the closet. The following conversation occurs:
"It's dark in here, huh?"
Shut up kid, I'm hiding.
"Wanna buy my baseball?"
No, shut up!
"I'm gonna tell my daddy on you for what you were doing to my mom"
Fine! I'll buy the damn ball if you shut up. How much?
" 300 dollars"
No way I'm paying that much!
" I'm gonna tell"
Fine, ya rip off! Here.

They swap the money and the ball.

A few days later the strange guy is back at it and Johnny's dad comes home early again and the guy hides in the closet again. The following conversation occurs:
"It's dark in here huh?"
Yeah. Shut up.
" wanna buy a baseball glove?"
No. Not this time.
"I'll tell daddy"
Fine. How much?
" 700 dollars"
No way!
"Yes or I'm gonna scream"

Needless to say, they swap cash for glove.

The next day Johnny's dad asks him if he wants to play catch. Johnny says "that'll be hard to do without my ball and glove." And his dad asks what happened to it. Johnny explains he sold them for $1000.
Infuriated, his dad brings him to church to confess.
He puts Johnny in the booth and the following conversation occurs:
" it's dark in here huh?"
Don't start that shit again you little rip off!

So a penguin is driving along one day...

... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.

As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"

It's an XO (Navy Executive Officer)'s last day before retirement...

...and the Captain comes up to him and tells him that upon finishing his nightly duties, he is to inventory everything on the entire ship and have it on the Captain's desk by the next morning at 0700.

The XO grins widely and says "Aye aye, sir!"

The Captain looks at him for a moment and says "Son, I can tell everything I need to know by that look on your face. I bet you can't wait until I die so you can come piss on my grave, right?"

"No, sir!" the XO says. "After I get out of the Navy, I'm never standing in line again!"

a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...

finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".

Blonde Race

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obviously the best swimmer, 2 hours to swim across. The brunette followed her finishing with a time of 3.5 hours. After 5 hours the blonde has not made it across. Just as the redhead and the brunette are about the get on a boat and begin searching for the blonde, she crawls onto the shore.
Both the redhead and the brunette rush to her aid and try to help her up. She shoves them away and yells, 'Get off me you cheaters! I saw you using your arms!'

Three Woodcutters & The Whorehouse

Three woodcutters were finishing up a hard, four-month stint in the forest. They had not seen or heard anything other than the trees and the sound of their axes that entire time. They packed up, and headed to the nearest town.

After getting sufficiently drunk, they decided to visit the town brothel. Upon entering, the madam became nervous at the sight of the three men because she had only two girls working that night. She thought on her feet, and decided to bed the drunkest looking woodcutter with a blow-up doll.

After all was done they met downstairs to compare notes. The drunkest woodcutter said: "She was okay at first, but a little too quiet. So I bit her nipple, then she let out a huge fart and flew out the window."

There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey...

... Who were also drinking buddies.

One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards.

"I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old."

"Well," replied Paul, "there is one other option. I've heard drinking jet fuel gives you a pretty good buzz."

"Fuck it, I'll try anything once," said Rick, and they grabbed the nearest can of jet fuel and had the kind of time that only drinking buddies can.

The next morning, Rick awoke expecting the hangover from hell. To his surprise, he felt fine. Better than fine, even; he felt great!

"This is amazing," he thought. "All the fun of drinking, but with no negative effects!"

Just then, he receives a call from Paul.

"Hey man," said Paul. "How ya feelin'?"

"I feel great!" Exclaimed Rick. "You?"

"Pretty good, but there's just one thing... Did you fart yet?"

"No," said a puzzled Rick. "Why do you ask?"

"Because," Paul said. "I'm in Arizona."

$800 owed

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Analogies are like masturbation

I'm finishing both right now.

Going to the dentist.

This guy has a dentist appointment in a couple hours when suddenly he gets a call from his girlfriend. She asks him to come over to have sex. Naturally he goes over her place, and eventually they start to 69. The guy finishes up and realizes he needs to brush his teeth so his breath won't smell like pussy. He gets to the dentist, and his cleaning goes without a hitch. Just as the doctor is finishing up he asks,

"By any chance did you 69 this afternoon?"

The guy responds, "Oh man, did my breath smell like pussy?"

The doctor answers, "No. Your forehead smells like shit."

$800

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, Who was that?
It was Bob the next door neighbor, she replies.
Great, the husband says, Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?

The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted and breezes through, finishing with 5 phDs. He then decides he wants to go into politics. He starts out municipally and then onto state government, until he finally decides to run for President of the United States. He wins in a landslide, he was so popular that it was rumoured the opposition even voted for him. After his 8 years in office (yes, he got reelected) he remembers all the other wasps he left behind in the hive. He goes back to visit them. He sees his mother, his father, his auntie, his uncle, his brothers, his sisters, his cousins, and his one in-bred half brother on his dads side. When he is there he gets thirsty, he goes to the watering hole but there is a gigantic line, he estimates that it would take him 3 days to get a drink. "No point in waiting that long." He said. Then he made his way to the cider, but there is an even longer line there. Suddenly, he remembers that almost no one drinks punch in his hive. He makes his way over to the punch bowl, and guess what? There is no punchline.

Jerry is that you?

said Tom.

Jerry - "Oh my god, Tom! I haven't seen you since college!"

Tom - "Yea it's been a while, how are things?"

Jerry - "Not bad, I think I've done pretty well for myself. I ended up finishing that Bachelor's of Fine Arts and spend my time painting. I love it, wouldn't give it up for the world! How bout you? You end up finishing your degree?"

Tom - "Yep, Software Engineering. I make a pretty comfortable living and it's rewarding work. I can't believe it, it's been so long. It was great catching up with you."

Jerry - "It was, it was. Just one last question."

Tom - "Shoot."

Jerry - "Would you like fries or onion rings with your burger?"

Tom - "Fries."

My identical twin brother and I were both arrested this weekend.

But there was a mix-up during processing. Now we are finishing each other's sentences.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says It looks like you blew a seal. No no, the penguin replies, it's just vanilla ice cream. ο»Ώ

12 Shots

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender places twelve shot glasses on the table and begins to fill them.
Halfway through, the man starts grabbing the shots and slamming them back in rapid succession, finishing the last one just after the bartender poured it.
"Wow, buddy, I've never seen anybody take so many shots so quickly." the bartender remarked.
"Hey, if you had what I had you'd be drinking just as quick." the man replied.
"Oh," said the bartender, "what do you have?"
"About two bucks."

A boy was jerking off and his sister caught him

Instead of saying anything, she took off her clothes and started to have sex with her brother.

After finishing the brother said, "Wow, you're as good as mom".

The sister replied, "Ya, dad told me that too".

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.

Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.

Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'

The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

Penguin experiencing car trouble

Hot summer day and Mr. Penguin's car breaks down. Takes it to the body shop, and Joe Mechanic tells him to give him half an hour to look it over, and then come back.

To kill some time, Mr. Penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor. After finishing his tasty, frosty treat, he goes back to the body shop.

"Well," says the mechanic, "looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," says the penguin -- "It's just ice cream."

Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!

1st drunk: Why would you say that???

2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window!

Gynecologist that wants to be a mechanic.

My girlfriend's grandfather told me this beauty last night.


Bob no longer wants to be a Gynecologist and decides that a mechanic job would best suit him.

He attends a class on the basic of car repairs. After finishing the course Bob receives a grade of 150/100. Bob, confused, goes and takes to the instructor.


Bob: "Could you please break down the grade I received? I'm a little confused how I got 150%."


Instructor: "Well you get 50% for doing the undercarriage perfect! You get another 50% for doing the engine work perfect!"


Bob: "And what about the other 50%? Where did that come from?"


Instructor: "I gave you the extra points for being able to fix the carburetor through the muffler!"

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up hers, when the doorbell rings....

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "i'll give you $800 the drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob hands her the $800 after a moment and leaves. The woman wraps back up her towel and goes back upstairs. When she's in the bedroom the husband asks "who was that?" "It was bob the next-door neighbor," she replies. He says "Great, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."

The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"

"Rustling."

[First Date]

Me: Your profile says you're good at finishing sentences?
Her: Yeah, Totally!
Me: Same! I just finished a 20 year sentence for manslaughter

A Mexican magician was finishing up his act...

It was time for his big finale.

"And now, for my final trick, I will make myself disappear on the count of three!"

"Uno! Dos!"

POOF!

He was gone without a tres.

Why did the F1 Racer get electrocuted after finishing 1 lap?

Because he completed the circuit.

I have a real problem finishing things

An accordion player goes to a bar... (warning: dumb joke)

After a long night at performing at a local restaurant, an accordion player goes to have a few late night drinks. He drives up to the bar and goes inside. After finishing his first drink, he realizes he left his car unlocked! He rushed outside, opened the trunk of his car.....but it was too late....a 2nd accordion was already there!

Skinny Dippers

A farmer in Maine was just finishing up a tough day in the Summer Sun. He decided that after such a tough day the perfect thing he needed was a walk around his pond. The blueberries were in full bloom so he decided that it was worthwhile to pick some up for breakfast the next day, so he grabbed a bucket.

As he approached the lake he heard some girls laughing and giggling. Fortunately for the girls they saw him force and quickly retreated to the deeper waters. As he noticed them he smiled to himself. There were three gorgeous girls covering themselves - *skinny dippers* he thought to himself.

"We're not coming out until you leave!" One of the girls shouted at him.

He frowned and furrowed his brow. "Honestly, I didn't come down here to see some naked girls or anything of the like. I don't care if you stay in there or leave." He lifted the bucket slightly. "I'm just here to feed my pet alligator, Bill."

A woman is in a coma...

Desperate for ways to wake her up, the husband frantically asks the hospital staff what can be done. No one had an answer. Later that night as he sit by her side, a nurse from earlier in day is finishing her shift and pops in the room to give some last minute advice. "You know, it may not help, but I've heard of instances where oral sex has pulled a woman out of a coma"
Twenty minute later the woman's vital sign monitor alarm goes off. The doctors and nurses rush into the room to find the husband zipping up his pants and buckling his belt.
"I don't think it helped her, but I sure feel better"

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

Bathroom Etiquette

An Air Force Major is just finishing up at a urinal when a Marine Corp Captain enters the bathroom. As the Marine is peeing, the Air Force officer makes a show of carefully soaping and scrubbing his hands with military precision. Just as the Air Force Major is drying off his hands, the Marine flushes and heads for the door.

"You know, in the Air Forces they teach us that you should always wash your hands after you pee," says the Air Force Major.

"Really?" replies the Marine. "In the Corp they just teach us not to pee on our hands."

There's two ways to frustrate a person

The first is not finishing a sentence

The second is

Guy sits at the bar and orders 3 drinks..

After finishing them he walks home. The man comes by the following night and orders four of the same drinks again. The bartender asks why he ordered one more than the day before and he responds, "I just didn't get drunk enough." The man shows up and orders one more drink than the previous day for another 3 nights. On the fifth night he orders a water. Puzzled, the bartender asks him "why water tonight?"
The man states that last night he blew chunks. The bartender doesn't mind as he's seen it happen plenty of times before and offers the man another drink. The man declines and says, "you don't understand, chunks is my dog."

My brother's wife has been pregnant for five months

They decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.

That night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.

Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, Do you have a name for the baby yet?

My brother replies, Yeah. Liana Noelle.

Everyone starts to Ooohhh and Ahhhh and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.

Then after a moment I shout, How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?

A man is attempting to donate sperm at a sperm bank...

... but he's having difficulty finishing, and so takes a while.

Eventually he manages, so he screws the lid on, and heads back into the reception to deposit the cup.

But by now a long line has formed with other men attempting to do the same thing - all the way to the door.

Furious, he marches up to the receptionist at the front of the line and says, "This is unacceptable - I can't wait this long, I have places to be! I need you to process my sample right now."

The receptionist turns to him and replies, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to go to the back of the line; we have a strict first-come first-served policy."

A panda walks into a bar

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food. Upon finishing his meal, the panda pulls out a gun from his folds and points it at the patron next to him. Before the patron or the bartender realizes what's happening, the panda pulls the trigger and gets up to leave.
What the hell are you doing?! You can't just go around shooting people!! Yells the bartender hysterically.
The panda replies over his shoulder nonchalantly, I'm a panda. I eats, shoots and leaves.

For disclaimer, this is my dad's favorite joke.

I had sex with my teacher...

Today after school my teacher asked me to stay after for a little while, one thing led to another and we had sex but as we were finishing the principal interrupted and called my mother. My mother had to pick me up from school and all she said was "just wait until your father gets home." Once my father got home he came into my room and said "son, was your teacher at least good looking?" Which I replied "yes" and to my surprise my father said "you know what son I'm proud of you and because of that I'm going to buy you that new bike you wanted!" My dad went out and got the bike and when he got back we both just kind of looked at the bike when he asked "well aren't you going to ride it?" and I replied "No my butt still kinda hurts"

What do Dale Earnhardt and Adolf Hitler have in common?

They both died before finishing a race.

Bartender

An old man walks into a bar with a friend. After finishing his first pint, he tells the bartender that for a $500 bet he can pee into his empty glass from one end of the bar to the other. The bartender knows that this is impossible so he shakes his hand and the bet is on. The old man stands on the bar and starts peeing. He aims for the cup but he isn't even close. He's old enough that he isn't even close, he waves his dick around, trying to get it into the cup. During this, he hits the bartender in the face with his stream of urine. Once he finish, he sat down and admitted that he lost. The bartender held out his hand for the $500 and as soon as he asked the old man why he bet so much, he answered, "I bet my lawyer $3,000 that I could pee all over you and have you smile afterwards."

Guy walks into a bar and is in despair....

He sits down and asks for 6 top shelf whiskey shots all lined up....


The bartender pours them all out and the guy quickly shoots them one by one.


He asks for 6 more and the bartender obliged. As he's pouring the next 6 shots he gently asks the guy if he's ok.


The man replies with an awkward demeanor - " yah....I'm ok... But you would be nervous too if you had what I had."


The bartender asks the man curiously as he is finishing pouring the last round of shots....... "well... What do you have??"



the man quickly finishes drinking the last of the second round of shots and replies...




" fifty cents."

A wife comes home with some gifts for her husband.

Wife: babe, I got you this beautiful tie.

Husband: that's very nice of you. But why?

Wife: because I love you. Also, I brought you cold beer, your favorite.

Husband: oh, thank you my love.

Wife: and I was thinking, what about... after finishing these beers, we go to bed and have sex.

The husband thinks for a moment..., then he says: mary, what happened to the car?

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.

The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

A pastor is finishing up his sermon on sunday morning...

"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.

"How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The pastor says "and it's a great chapter, amen??" There are shouts of "amen!" from the congregation. Then the pastor smirks.

"Well, Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now begin my sermon on the terrible sin of lying."

My Dad actually said this is a Denver area Pizza Hut.

A group of maybe 6\-8 of us were finishing up our meal when a rather large woman \(our waitress\) came over and asked my dad if "we wanna box for our left over pizza?" Without skipping a beat, my dad looks her right in the eye and says "no, but I'll wrestle ya for it!". The look on her face was priceless!

Dead Hooker.

Guy goes into a whore house with $5.

He asks the pimp," What can I get for $5?"

Pimp replies, " You can fuck the dead hooker in the attic."

Guy hands over his money and goes up to the attic.

Bout 20 mintues later he comes back down and says, "I don't think she is dead."

Pimp asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well, just as I was finishing up her nose started running." Guy says.

"Oh, she's dead, she's just full."

A captain is giving orders to soldiers staying in line

After finishing he asked if anyone has a question to ask.

One of the soldiers asks I'm sorry Sir, but why do your boots have different colours, one black and one brown?

Captain realizes that he really has two different boots and says that he will go home and change them, and that soldiers should wait here till he comes back

One hour passes, all soldiers are exhausted, and finally the captain appears, sad, and still wearing different boots

A soldier asks why didn't he change the boots, why are you still wearing one black and one brown boot?

The captain replies, I couldn't find a normal pair at home, the other two are also different

Two kids were sitting in class

The first kid, Mike, was sitting there struggling with his work. The second girl, who was in a wheelchair, Cheryl, was finishing the work extremely quickly.

Mike asked Cheryl to help, and the first time she ignored him.

He asked her again, and she helped him, though she did it grudgingly, and made fun of him for being dumb the whole time. "This is the easiest thing I've done all day", she said laughing.

They both continued to do their own work until the pledge of allegiance came on. All the children except Cheryl stood up.

Halfway through, Mike crouched down to Cheryl and said:

"This is the easiest thing I've done all day".

A member at a golf club

Joe is a member of his local golf club. He walks into the locker room after finishing his round and sees his friend Tim with an annoyed look on his face.

"Hey Tim, were you playing today?" Asks Joe

"Yeah, wasn't very good though, had a Princess Diana round" replied Tim

"A Princess Diana round?"

"Yeah, the driver fucking killed me"

Soviet buy car

Go to Lada dealer. He choosing red one. They filling out papers. When finishing, dealer saying: You taking delivery in 23 years.

Soviet: Is in morning or afternoon?

Dealer: What difference is making?

Soviet: Plumber come in morning.

My wife insulted me saying I suck at finishing stories.

That's when I hit her with the sickest burn / comeback of all time.

A panda goes out to dinner

A panda goes out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. After finishing his meal he stands up, pulls out his gun, shoots the waiter, and begins to leave. Frantically, the manager stops the panda and says, "what did the waiter do? ! Why did you shoot him? You can't just shoot people, I'm calling the police". Confused, the panda replies, "Um, I'm a panda. It's what I do. Look it up". So the waiter pulls out his smartphone and looks up panda. Sure enough, right there before his eyes he sees 'Panda - indigenous to southern China. Eats shoots and leaves'.

An Australian person went to a chess themed restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he asked the server, could I get my check mate?

A Scottish guy is sitting in his local pub drowning his sorrows in whisky.

He says to the barman "So you build 30 houses in the village and walk down the street do people say *'there goes McDougall the home builder'* no they don't!"

He waves for another whisky and continues "Then you save 4 children from a burning house and when you walk down the street do they say *'there goes McDougall the rescuer'* no they dont!"

Finishing that glass he says with a sigh "but you fuck one sheep......"

Descartes is sitting at a bar finishing a beer.

When the bartender asks if he'd like another, the philosopher says, "I think not," and disappears

During our church service one Sunday...

a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."

A young manager was finishing up late at work

When he was leaving there was only one other person in the office.
He noticed it was the owner of the company standing by a Shredder with a sheet of paper looking confused.
He approached him and asked if he was alright.
The owner said "my secretary has gone home and she always does these things for me", and asked "do you know how to work this machine".
The manager said "yes", turned on the Shredder and stuck the sheet in and said "all done".
The owner said "brilliant, now I need three more copies."

Street Fighter is kinda like gay sex

It's got two dudes trying to land a finishing blow.

A man walks into a bar…

and sees that the room is rectangular. He then proceeds to go into every corner and takes a dump. After finishing, he proceeds to walk out, giggling.

The bartender sees this, and runs outside, catching up to the man.

Why did you do that? The bartender asked.

Four shits and giggles.

If I ever get thrown in jail

I ain't finishing my sent-

A massive cage fighter goes into a crowded bar and sits down.

After finishing his first beer he stands up and shouts all you on the left side of the bar are assholes, anyone got a problem with that? The room remains silent and the cage fighter sits back down and orders another beer. When he finishes his second beer he stands again and shouts all you on the right side of the bar are mother fuckers! Anyone got a problem with that? Then a guy in the left side of the bar stands up and the cage fighter shouts, you got a problem asshole??!! To which the guy replies, no no, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar...

Island Joke

A white guy, a Mexican guy and a Chinese guy are stranded on an island. The white guy says, "okay, we need to get to work if we're going to survive. I'll hunt for food. Mexican guy, you go build us shelter. Chinese guy, you go get us some supplies. We'll meet back here at sunset."

The white guy is roasting a pig over the fire, while the Mexican guy is putting the finishing touches on the shelter. As the sun sinks into the horizon, the Mexican guy finally asks: "so... where's the Chinese guy?" Then, out of nowhere, the Chinese man jumps out of the bushes yelling, "SUPPLIES!!"

A pastor uses the church's restroom before morning service begins.

As he's finishing up in the stall, he hears fast breathing and grunting in the stall next to him, and realizes that whoever's in there is masturbating. He exits his stall and washes his hands, then he hears the toilet flush and the culprit steps out of his stall. It's Jim, an 11 year old boy.

The pastor sighs and pulls Jim aside after he's finished washing his hands. "Jim," he says, "I don't mean to embarrass you but I think it's my job to tell you that good Christian boys save it for marriage. Do you understand what I mean?"

Jim blushes but nods, "Yes."

A few weeks later the pastor sees Jim walking down the hall and he pulls him aside again. "So, Jim, have you been working on what we talked about last time?"

Jim beams, "Yes, sir! I've saved up almost a quart!"

Post-Surgery Concern

"You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

"But", she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek.

The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

After finishing my pint really quickly, the barman told me to calm down.

I said, "You're telling me? You just drunk my pint!"

Abraham Lincoln was better at finishing plays than the Seahawks.

What are the funniest finishing jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Finishing? Well, here are the best Finishing puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Finishing pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes