Finishing Fast Jokes
21 finishing fast jokes and hilarious finishing fast puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about finishing fast that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Finishing Fast Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good finishing fast joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
I took an AP Physics test today and finished early, so I wrote this joke in the test booklet out of boredom
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving along when they get pulled over.
The police officer asks them if they know how fast they were going.
Heisenberg says, "I'm uncertain."
The officer then asks for them to open the trunk, and they oblige.
"Did you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?" the officer asks incredulously.
"I do now!" Schrodinger replies.
Two guys got lost in the Egyptian desert
Both christians, one named John and the other named Thomas. They were starving and about to collapse when they spotted a Mosque, They rushed there for help. The Imam came out and asked for their names, John came up with 'Abdullah' in a panic and Thomas just said his name. The Imam hastily told the patrons to give Thomas food and water. While John had to wait and finish his fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Puzzle
Guy 1: Dude, I finished so fast at solving the puzzle!
Guy 2: Really? How fast?
Guy 1: 5 months!
Guy 2: Dude, that's slow!
Guy 1: You're a d**...! What do you mean slow!? It says here For 3 years and up!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)
Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.
Jesus and Satan are having a competition on who can finish an essay first
Jesus and Satan are having a competition on who can finish an essay first. 1, 2, 3, GO. Jesus starts and takes his time while Satan is typing up a storm. Satan is typing so fast that the power goes out and both computers are shut off. They start back up, and Jesus states that he is done with the essay. Riddled, Satan asks how he wrote that fast.
Jesus turns to him and simply says, "Jesus saves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
so i finished work
in the bus someone said:
whe are going so fast!
everyone cheered: Oh Yeah. So Fast. So Cool. Like in The Movie. Life is Beatifull!
>!and we all died in the car c**... :(!<
3 Kids are arguing about who's dad is the fastest...
At lunch, the first boy says his dad is the faster because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits...
Not bad says the 2nd boy, but my dad is faster.
He is a professional archer. When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does...
That's pretty fast, says the 3rd boy, but not as fast as my old man.
My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work a 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm...
A guy walks into a bar.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots. The bartender brings them to the guy, and as the bartender is grabbing the cheque, he sees that the guy has already downed over half of his shots.
The bartender walks over to the guy and exclaims, "Woah buddy, you might wanna chill out over there!"
The guy - as he finishes his last shot - says, "You'd be drinking this fast too if you had what I had."
The bartender - now more confused - asks, "Well, what do you have?"
The guy sits there for a moment and then says, "75 cents," then dashes out the door.
The Parish Fast Food Shop
One day, the local parish decided to open a fast food restaurant, so they can make some more money on the side as church attendance was dropping. Being the smart people that they were, they divided themselves so each person does one job.
The fast food restaurant was doing quite well, and the local news channel, since it had nothing better to report on, decided to interview the staff of the restaurant. As they were finishing the interviews, they saw that one priest didn't do any interview, it was shy Father Tim, who was in charge of the french fries.
"So you're the friar yes?" asked the interviewer.
"No", father Tim said,"I'm the Chipmonk"
The owner of a racehorse is angry
The owner of a racehorse is angry because the horse he paid so much money for has yet to win a race.
Listen to me, the man says, grabbing the horse by the harness. You'd better win this race or you'll be working the farm tomorrow.
The horses line up in the gates, the starting gun sounds, and the gate is removed. All of the horses take off for the finish line, except the owner's horse. He is fast asleep in his starting pen.
What the heck do you think you're doing? the owner yells at the horse.
I'm grabbing some rest, says the horse. I've got to work the farm early tomorrow morning.
A red headed baker is robbing a bank
As he's finishing up he hears the sirens in the distance closing in, so decides to make his getaway.
He runs out to see the police coming down the road now, he jumps into his car and a chase begins.
High speeds and a few dangerous manoeuvres later, the baker decides to make his escape on foot, he pulls over and charges off into a field.
The police retaliate but he's too quick, and as he's running they hear him yell:
Run! Run! As fast as you can! But you won't catch me!
I'm the ginger breadman!
Just got finished all 7 fast and the furious...
That's the last time I eat at Taco Bell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
u**... race.
I was at a group thing and we went on break. Some dude and I got to neighboring urinals and in unison our pee hit the water at the same time. We both knew one thing, the race was on!
The race was a dead heat. Both of us were expelling as fast as we could. I could hear the pressure increasing as we both of us wanted that win.
The winner of a foot race can be designated by the one who crosses the finish line first. In that respect I won.
The winner of a drinking contest is the one that didn't pee on themselves. In that respect, I lost.
A blonde lady needs cash..
A blonde lady is in need of some extra cash, so she decides to do work for her neighbourhood. She approached a wealthy mans door and asked if he needed any house work done. The man replied, "Yes in fact I do, I need my porch painted," handing her a bucket of paint and a brush. He closed the door and chuckled to his wife. She asked him if the girl knew the porch went around the house. "Of course not," he replied. Five minutes later the blonde came back and handed him the paintbrush back. He handed her the money and curiously asked her how she finished so fast. She said, "Im a hard worker," and started to leave. Right before she left the driveway she called out to the man, " By the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pastor uses the church's restroom before morning service begins.
As he's finishing up in the stall, he hears fast breathing and grunting in the stall next to him, and realizes that whoever's in there is m**.... He exits his stall and washes his hands, then he hears the toilet flush and the culprit steps out of his stall. It's Jim, an 11 year old boy.
The pastor sighs and pulls Jim aside after he's finished washing his hands. "Jim," he says, "I don't mean to embarrass you but I think it's my job to tell you that good Christian boys save it for marriage. Do you understand what I mean?"
Jim blushes but nods, "Yes."
A few weeks later the pastor sees Jim walking down the hall and he pulls him aside again. "So, Jim, have you been working on what we talked about last time?"
Jim beams, "Yes, sir! I've saved up almost a quart!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bear hunters...
... are sitting around the campfire after a long, successful day of bear hunting. They had just finished cleaning and gutting their bears when the first bear hunter declares, "I gotta p**...." So he runs off into the woods to do his business.
An hour passes, and the second bear hunter begins to worry about his friend. Eventually, bear hunter number two goes to find his missing companion. Not far into the woods he finds hunter number one squatted down in the woods, pants down, and fast asleep.
The second bear hunter decided to play a prank on bear hunter number one. He went back to the campsite, grabbed all the bear guts he could carry and placed them under the squatted haunches of bear hunter number one. With a smile, the second bear hunter returned to camp.
After a short while, the first bear hunter returns to the campsite in a sweat.
"Dude, I literally just crapped my guts out. It was only thanks to the good grace of god and a big stick that I got 'em back in."
A man goes to a cathouse with only $5 to his name.
"What can $5 get me?" he asked the lady inside.
"Let's see.. well, I can give you a penguin job," she replied.
The call girl unzips the man's pants and leaves them around his ankles, and goes to work with her mouth.
"Oh wow, this is fantastic, you sure know what you're doing!" The man was really enjoying his $5 penguin job.
It was only a short while before the climactic finish was approaching, and he made no delay with vocalizing this.
"I'm going to come, I'm going to come!"
The courtesan quickly stopped, got to her feet, and walked out the door of the room they were in.
"Wait baby, wait, wait! Where are you going?!" The man, pants still down around his ankles, waddled after the woman as fast as he could.
"That's a penguin job, and that'll be $5," she said, with a laugh.
The Pink Gorilla
An married couple are out driving home through the country one night when their car breaks down. There was a farm house nearby, so they decided to see if they could find some help. While the husband was talking to the farmer, the wife asked if she could use the man's restroom. The farmer said "Sure thing. Up the stairs, third door on the right. But whatever you do, do NOT touch the big pink gorilla through the door at the end of the hall."
The woman agreed that she wouldn't touch the gorilla and headed up the stairs. After she had finished her business, she started towards the stairs, but her curiosity got the best of her. She quietly went through the door at the end of the hall and found herself face to face with an enormous pink gorilla in a cage, fast asleep. She figured it couldn't hurt to poke him just once, so she slowly reached into the cage and touched his shoulder. Immediately, the gorilla's eyes snapped open, he ripped the door off of his cage, and began to chase the woman. She ran down the stairs, past her husband and the farmer, and out the front door. As she ran through the field outside, she stumbled and fell, and the gorilla closed in. He loomed over her and she watched, horrified, as he reached an enormous hand towards her and said
"Tag, you're it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Santa's bad day
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of r**.... When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had finished the cider and the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the liquor bottle, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa stomped to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Finishing Fast One Liners
Which finishing fast one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with finishing fast? I can suggest the ones about finishing school and time saving.
- Just got finished all 7 fast and the furious... That's the last time I eat at Taco Bell.