Finishes Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"

The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

A woman is out playing golf...

...and she gets stung by a bee. It's annoying, but she finishes her game. Afterwards, she's having a drink in the clubhouse and mentions to one of the golf pros hanging out there what happened.

"Oh that's too bad," he says. "Where did you get stung?"

"Right between the first and second hole," she tells him.

"Hmmm," he says, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

A Blonde Takes a Test

The professor notices a blonde student flipping a coin as she answers the True/False questions. She finishes long before everyone else, and starts flipping the coin again, sometimes changing her answers.

When she brings her test to the front, the professor asks, "Why were you flipping that coin?"

She responds, "I was checking my answers."

A marine and a sailor are walking down the street...

When they spot a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The pair race up to the sheep, where the marine drops his pants and begins fucking the sheep. After a few minutes he finishes, take a step back and asks the sailor "you want to give it a shot?"

The sailor replies "hell ya" and promptly sticks his head in the fence.

Two cowboys are walking the fence line

and they find a sheep that is caught by the hair in the barbed wire. One of the cowboys drops his pants and gets behind the sheep and goes to town. He's having a great time, and slapping the sheep's ass harder and harder as he builds to his grand finale. After he finishes, he turns to the other cowboy and says "You want some of that?" His friend says "OK, but don't slap me on the ass as hard as you did the sheep."

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide-and-seek

Einstein decides to be the seeker and begins counting. Pascal immediately runs to a closet and hides inside. Newton doesn't run or try to hide. Instead he takes some tape, makes a box on the ground, and steps inside. Einstein finishes counting and turns around to see Newton standing like an idiot.

"I found you Isaac, great hiding spot," says Einstein.

"You didn't find me," Newton replies. "You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!"

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies: "No, what you see is one Newton over one square meter - so what you have found is one Pascal."

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

Einstein is it and starts counting. Pascal immediately runs off and hides. Newton just stands there and draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square and sits there waiting for Einstein to finish counting. When Einstein finishes counting, he immediately sees Newton, exclaiming, "You're it!" Newton only smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"

What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

He finishes her drink

If straight couples usually end sex when the man finishes, how do lesbians know when it's time to stop?

When the scissors get dull

Herding sheep.

A sheep herder is watching his dog herd all their sheep into a pen. The dog finishes and says "Master, I've got all 30 sheep in the pen". The man looks at the sheep, then back to the dog and says "but I only count 26". The dog says "I know, I rounded them up".

NSFW So this girl finishes giving a well-hung man a very rigorous blow-job.

... Her jaw aches, her eyes are watery, and her throat hurts. But she thought it would all be worth it, yet the guy just zips up & starts to walk away. "Hey!" She says, her voice still a little raspy from the deed. "You said if I gave you head you'd buy me a pony!"

"No," he replies. "I said you might get a little hoarse."

God finishes creating the man

His angel assistant asks him: "Are we done"?

God says: "Yes. Wait, actually, no. Just add another little toe to his feet."

Assistant: "Why?"

God: "For home furniture."

Assistant: "Furniture?"

God: "Trust me, it's going to be hillarious."

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl......

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.
When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.
"Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."

Caught having sex

A guy was fucking his girlfriend in his car when a tap on the window revealed a cop outside. He rolled down the window and the cop tells him "when you're done I'm next". The guy finishes, opens the door and the cop notices the guy shaking in fear. The cop asks him " why so nervous?"

The guy replies I've never fucked a cop before.

Two hearse funeral

A man finishes his lunch at the local deli and as he is leaving sees two hearses, a widower with a dog, and 200 men in single file lined up behind him.
Curious, the man walk over and says, "I don't mean to bother you, but what exactly is going on?"
The gentleman replies, "This is my wife's funeral procession."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"Don't be," the man says, "she was a complete bitch. She hit my dog and he managed to kill her."
The guy looks at the dog, it seems friendly enough, shrugs it off and says, "Well if your wife is in one of the hearses, who is in the other?"
"My wife's mother. She saw my dog fighting with my wife and jumped in and tried to get him to stop, but he managed to kill her too."
"Wow, that's incredible!" the guy says. "Is there any way I can borrow your dog?"
The owner replies, "Yeah, sure. Get in line."

A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's constipation". He finishes the transaction and sends her on her way. When the clerk was taking out the garbage at the end of the night, he spied the same nun behind the dumpster. The nun was drunk as a skunk, and the bottle was empty. He said to her, "I thought you told me that was for Mother Superior's constipation". She replied, "it is! When she sees me, she's gonna shit!"

Totally Nerdy Joke: Einstein, Newton, and Pascal playing hide and seek

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's einstein's turn to count. Pascal runs away and hides under some bushes. Newton draws a large box in the dirt and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting, sees Newton and declares "Aha! Newton, I found you!" Newton replies "No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."

An Eskimo man turned 18...

His father said to him
"To be a true Eskimo man you must do three things. Drink a whole bottle of vodka, kill a polar bear with your own two hands and then make love to an eskimo woman."
"Alright lets get started." The man says and he starts chugging the bottle. After a minute or two he finishes it. His father helps him up
"Now for that polar bear." His father says as he leads him out the door. They arrive at the polar bears cave. He stumbles in and after a few minutes his father hears the most violent screaming ever. After a few more minutes he he stumbles out of the cave bruised and bloody and says to his dad-
"Now where's that woman I gotta kill?"

There was a priest who was "selling forgiveness"..

A woman comes through and tells him that she had sex 5 times. She asks for forgiveness and gives him five dollars. Another woman comes. She pays him 6 dollars because she had sex 6 times. The priest suddenly has something to do and notices a man behind him who had been watching, so the priest asks the man to replace him while he is gone. When the priest finishes he comes back and notices the man having sex with a woman in the church, and begins yelling at the man. The man says, "Sorry, Father! She had a ten dollar bill and I had no change!"

Here's the good news (OC)

A guy goes to the doctor for his regular checkup. The doctor finishes up and invites him into the office.

"So, which first? The bad news or the good news?"

"Good news, doc", says the guy.

To which the doctor replies, "Well, you won't be needing any more annual prostate exams."

So, I'm in the stall of a public bathroom...

...And this guy comes in. First thing he does is belch extremely loudly. Twice. Walks to the urinal, starts obnoxiously banging his fist on the wall; I guess trying to make some sort of shitty beat. Farts, finishes, and leaves. No washing his hands or anything. All I can think is "Wow, I don't understand how someone could be so gross: Especially in a public place." So, I finish masturbating and get the hell out of there.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Pascal!"

A physicist walks into a bar

and he orders a beer and turns to the stool next to him and offers it a beer. He finishes his drink and then leaves. The next day he returns to the bar, orders a beer, and offers a beer to the stool next to him before finishing his drink and leaving. This continues on for a week before the bartender finally asks, " Why in the world do you keep offering that stool a beer?" The physicist replies " The laws of physics dictate that there is a slight possibility that at some point the matter above this stool could reform into a beautiful woman, who would then accept the drink." The bartender is puzzled for a second before replying " The bar is full of beautiful women. Why not see if they will accept your drink?" The physicist quickly laughs before saying " Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"

93 and you have no enemy's?

A priest finishes his service, and at the end asks everyone to forgive their enemy's and when they have, put their hand up. So after a minute, about half the people's hands are in the air. "That's not good enough" the priest says and waits another while. Eventually, everyone's hands are up, except an elderly women. The priest asks her how old she is. "I am 93" she says. "You're 93 and have no enemy's, how did you manage that" the priest asks. "I outlived the bitches"

A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. After he finishes , he peeks inside his shirt's pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another pint.

After he finishes, he again peeks inside his shirt's pocket and orders the bartender to bring another pint. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' drinks all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt's pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

How'd You Know?

A young man and woman meet at a bar.

They start to talk and really hit it off, so they decide to go back to her place for the night.

They are just about to get it on when the woman gets up and starts to scrub up in the sink. She carefully washes from the ends of her fingers all the way to her elbows for almost 10 minutes.

Once she finishes she gets back in bed and they fuck.

They wake up next to each other in the morning and the man asks "I was wondering, are you a surgeon?"
She says "Yes, how did you know," and he replies, "I saw you wash up last night before we started."

Then she asks him "I was actually wondering something about you. Are you an anesthesiologist?"
He says "Yes! How did you know that??"

"Cause I didn't feel a thing."

A man in prison

A man, who is sentenced to life imprisonment, decides to dig a tunnel to escape. He works for many months on this tunnel, and finally finishes it. He decides to break out during the day, figuring the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a preschool playground.
He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!"
At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "big deal! I'm four!"

Making your day...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"

Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"

The prostitute and the gorilla

A prostitute is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the prostitute's skirt and starts performing oral sex on her.

The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The prostitute says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"

The gorilla just stands there looking confused.

She pulls out her phone and Googles "prostitute" and shows him.

>a person, typically a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.

He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.

>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.

One night stand

A guy finishes up banging a girl he just met at a bar. He says "If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken it a little easier."

The woman says "If I had known you were in such a hurry I would have taken my pantyhose off."

A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

Going to the dentist.

This guy has a dentist appointment in a couple hours when suddenly he gets a call from his girlfriend. She asks him to come over to have sex. Naturally he goes over her place, and eventually they start to 69. The guy finishes up and realizes he needs to brush his teeth so his breath won't smell like pussy. He gets to the dentist, and his cleaning goes without a hitch. Just as the doctor is finishing up he asks,

"By any chance did you 69 this afternoon?"

The guy responds, "Oh man, did my breath smell like pussy?"

The doctor answers, "No. Your forehead smells like shit."

An Irishman is sick of people thinking he's stupid.

Because in England the Irish are stupid, Scottish tight fisted and the French smell. So he goes to have elocution lessons. Spends six weeks intensively saying 'how now brown cow' and 'Hark I hear the canons roar. Is it the king approaching.' And he cracks it.

The day after he finishes his course he goes into a shop and asks in his best tones.
"I say old man could you give me a copy of The Times and a pack of cigars please."
The shopkeeper leans over the counter and says "You're Irish aren't you ?"
The man is stunned and says "How the feck did you know that?"
"This is a butchers" the shopkeeper replies.

So a panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a bamboo sandwich from the bartender. He finishes his sandwich, pulls out a gun and flat out nails the bartender in the head.

The bartender falls to the floor, dead.

The bar owner, hearing all this commotion, comes running out front.
"Panda, why the hell did you shoot my bartender?"
The panda gets up and walks out the door, but not before looking into the eyes of the bar owner and saying;
"Dude, I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary."
And with that, the panda disappears into the rainy night.

The bar owner, angry but needing answers, opens up a dictionary. He flips past the pages until he arrives at 'P', then 'Panda':


Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.

Three men are in a public restroom

The first man, from Harvard, finishes his business at the urinal and walks to the sink. He uses plenty of soap and hot water and announces to the room, "At Harvard, they teach us that cleanliness is next to godliness."

The second man finishes and moves to the sink. He uses minimal soap and water, turns to the others, and says, "At Princeton they teach us that we should conserve our resources."

The third man finishes and begins to walk to the exit. As he opens the door he turns to the other two men and says, "I went to community college. And they taught us not to piss on our hands."

A cowboy walks into a saloon

A cowboy walks into a saloon as he's passing through town. As he sits down with his drink he notices a few rough looking locals at a table staring and pointing at him and looking generally unfriendly. He finishes his drink, and not wanting any trouble he decides he'd better get back on the road again. He walks out and notices that his horse is no longer tied to the hitch, so he turns around and heads back into the bar. All of the guys at the table are snickering and laughing and staring at him again.

The cowboy loudly says "I'm gonna grab another drink and I'm gonna sit here and drink it, and when I'm done my horse is gonna be back on that hitch out there. And if it's not on the hitch out there when I'm done I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And I don't want to have to do what I did back in Texas."

The place falls silent and a couple of locals slink out the back door. He finishes is drink, and sure enough his his horse is back on the hitch. He hops on it, and starts trotting down the road. The bartender walks out into the road and says "Hey Mister! What did you have to do back in Texas?"

The cowboy stops his horse, and looks at him.

"I walked home."

One that eats shoots and leaves in a classic joke!

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager and left the restaurant, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"

A newlywed couple decide to go on a honeymoon...

... To Florida. The husband gets there before his wife does and decides to send her an email. He finishes unpacking and types it out, but when he sends it, he misstypes the adress and accidentally sends it to an old lady whose husband had recently died. The old lady reads the message and faints. It said:
"Dear honey,
I have arrived at our destination. I have unpacked and everything is ready for your arrival. I miss you and expect to see you soon!
Love,
Husband

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

The postman's last day

The postman was retiring and on his final day, some people on his route decided to thank him by giving him gifts. On his last house on his route, a beautiful blonde lady comes out and asks if he'd like to come in with her. The postman agrees and he ends up spending the night with her. He wakes up the next morning to see her cooking breakfast for him.

He eats but when he finishes his coffee he sees a dollar bill at the bottom of the cup. He asks her about it and she replies::
"Oh, when I told my husband we should do something for your retirement, he told me 'Fuck'em, give'em a dollar!'."
The blonde turns and smiles to the postman, "Breakfast was my idea!"

A penguin's car breaks down..

So he goes to the nearest mechanic. The mechanic told the penguin that it'll be a little while until he figures out the problem. The penguin notices one of his favorite ice cream places down the road and decides to go grab a vanilla cone.

The penguin finishes his ice cream and heads back to the mechanic.

The penguin asks the mechanic if he has found the problem. The mechanic replies with "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin then replies "No no no! I was just eating ice cream down the street I swear!"

Remembering Brothers

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.......

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Yet another bar joke

Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks."

"You've got a deal mister." He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50. "Hundred bucks says you can't do it again."

And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He falls thirteen stories to his death. The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

Serial Killer...

The police have caught a serial killer with a really bad stammer.

They said it'll be a while before he finishes his sentence.

Ronda Rousey is the only MMA fighter I can't fap to.

She's the only one that finishes before I do.

A man wakes up with a red dot on his forehead.

A man wakes up to discover he has a red dot on his forehead. Unphased at first, he simply tries to scrub it off in the shower. After he finishes his morning routine he looks in the mirror and sees that not only is it still there, but it has even gotten bigger. The man calls out of work and decides he needs to see a doctor.

At the doctor's office, the doctor orders a catscan of the man's head. As he awaits his results, the man cannot help but repeatedly look in the mirror and notice that the dot is slowly getting bigger and is even starting to protrude out of his forehead and is now looking like a horn.

Finally, the results are in. The doctor says, "Well, I've figured out what it is. It turns out you have a penis starting to grow out of your head."

The man is shocked. "A penis? An extra penis? Are you kidding me? Can't you surgically remove it?" He asks.

"I'm afraid not." replied the doctor. "It turns out it's actually coming out of your brain and if we cut it out, you'll die."

Angry and confused the man says, "You mean to tell me, I'm gonna wake up every day for the rest of my life and see a penis coming out of my forehead!?"

"No no no," reassures the doctor. "Your balls will be in the way."

BEFORE IT STARTS

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob." The man sighs and says, "It's started…"

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein, the seeker, turns around and begins his count to 50. Pascal immediately runs off. Newton, however, takes a marker and draws a meter-by-meter square on the ground. When Einstein finishes his count, he turns around and sees Newton standing in his square. When Einstein exclaims that he found Newton, Newton responds with, "No, one Newton over a square meter is a pascal!"

A priest is painting the outside of his church...

He realizes he won't have enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does. When he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice calls out:

"Repaint, and thin no more."

So Lena finishes dead last in the breastroke...

She immediately filed a complaint with the officials, because the other girls were using their arms.

A marine and sailor are at a urinal.

A marine and sailor are at a urinal. The sailor finishes first and starts washing his hands; the marine finishes and starts to walk out. The sailor quips, "Hey Jarhead, don't they teach marines to wash their hands after pissing?" The marine continues walking out the door saying, "Nope. They teach us to not piss on our hands."

Harvard vs. Yale

A Harvard man and a Yale man are in the men's room. The Harvard man finishes first, and after zipping up and flushing, turns to the sink to wash his hands. The Yale man finishes up, and after zipping and flushing turns to leave the men's room. The Harvard man says "You know, at Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after using the bathroom," to which the Yale man replies "Well, at Yale, they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

Shit, I missed!

A sailor is getting drunk in a bar. Every time he finishes a drink he takes the bottle and throws it at the trash. Naturally Because he's drunk he keeps missing. Every time he misses he yells "shit, I misses." he does this a couple times, when a priest turns around and says "you should really stop swearing or god will punish you." the drunk ignores him and does it again. "Shit, I missed. The priest tells him "if you swear one more time god WILL punish you." the drunk ignores him, and the next time he sAys shit, sure enough the sky's open up and a lightning bolt comes down and strikes the priest. From the clouds comes a voice: shit, I missed"

A preacher at a church in Chicago...

...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes, he tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It will tie into my sermon" A week quickly passes. The preacher calmly walks the pulpit, looks out and asks "Show of hands, how many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" One person slowly raises their hand. Then another and then another. Soon, everyone has raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me begin my sermon on lying."

A man walks in a bar...

he sits down and orders a beer. There's a guy a couple stools down that says "You should get this beer cause when you drink one you can fly." The man nods thinking he's just another drunk dude at the bar. But after the drunk finishes his beer he stands up and walks up to the roof. He stands on the edge and jumps off and moments before he's about to hit the ground he swoops into the airs and flies back into the bar and orders another beer. Upon seeing this the other man orders the same beer, drinks it as fast as possible, runs up to the roof, jumps off and dies instantly after hitting the ground.

The bartender looks at the drunk and say, "You know you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman"

An Icelander takes a trip to Norway but is worried because he doesn't speak the language.

His friend assures him that this shouldn't be a problem: just speak very slowly and the Norwegians will understand you perfectly fine. Once in Oslo the Icelander goes to a bar and tries to order a beer in very slow Icelandic:

"I... want... a... beer."

The bartender gives him a beer. It worked! After he finishes it, he tries to order another one. Again, very slowly:

"I... want... another... beer."

The bartender gives him another beer. Amazing! After a couple more beers, the Icelander decides to try a conversation:

"I... am... from... Iceland."

The bartender replies:

"Me…… too."

A guy from Oklahoma and a guy from Texas are in the restroom of a road house having a piss.

The guy from Oklahoma finishes up first, zips up, and makes for the door. The Texan says over his shoulder "In Texas they teach us to wash up after going to the toilet." The Okie replies "That's funny, in Oklahoma they teach us not to piss all over our hands."

What are the funniest finishes jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Finishes? Well, here are the best Finishes puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Finishes pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes