Finished Jokes
124 finished jokes and hilarious finished puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about finished that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Finished Short Jokes
Short finished jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The finished humour may include short completed jokes also.
- I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
- My brother who has a stutter is in prison. It's just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- The cast of star wars VII just finished their first read through Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said Can I have a word?
- is google male or female? female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions
- I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer... ...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.
- I washed the car with my 5 year old son today. When we finished, he said, Next time dad, can you use a sponge?
- Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario: Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.
- I asked my German friend, What's a three letter word for compete? Friend: Vie.
Me: Because I'm trying to finish a crossword. - Is Google a woman? I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.
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Finished One Liners
Which finished one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with finished? I can suggest the ones about ended and ready.
- A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
- I just finished designing a website for an orphanage There isn't a home page
- How do you get Americans to join a world war? Tell them it's nearly finished.
- I just finished a documentary on beavers Best dam movie I've ever seen.
- One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops... ...but Toucan.
- If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years... he'll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
- My favourite Haiku Space is limited
In a haiku, so it's hard
To finish what you - My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
- Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space. Its about time too
- I love cats. I can't finish a whole one by myself, but…
- Just finished building doors for my fish. I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.
- Why didn't the pirate finish the alphabet? He got lost at C
- What do noodles say when they finish praying? Ramen
- Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals? Because they never finish their sentences.
- Did you know a book changes color after you're finished with it? It becomes red.
Giggle-Inducing Finished Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about finished you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean worked jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make finished pranks.
For anyone attending Stan Lee's f**......
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.
He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.
About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.
"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"
"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies.
The man thanks and pays her. As she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari."
Disclaimer: I did not make up this joke although I wish I had.
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.
OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.
h**... wasn't a very athletic man.
He never even finished a single race.
Old Soviet joke.
Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.
Reagan won.
Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .
Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .
My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...
Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"
Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"
His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his f**.... A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own f**....
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.
"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.
One day death came to a Guy and said, Hey, today is your last day.
Guy: But I'm not ready!
Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."
Guy: Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?
Death: All right.
The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list!!
When Death woke up he said to the Guy, "Because you have been so nice to me now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list."
How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically
A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.
When it was finished the owner inspected the work.
He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for l**... the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
I had s**... with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.
When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
My neighbor visited my house the other day
He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?
12 I said.
A few days later he came back, pretty p**.... "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"
Yeah, so did I.
\*Heard in Dutch and translated.
Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...
The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"
I just finished a jigsaw puzzle.
It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.
As the p**... finished her session, she said,
It was a business doing pleasure with you.
What is s**...?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's s**...?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging...
for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.
It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.
Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. The priest hastily covers his c**..., while the rabbi hides his face behind his hands.
When the ladies have passed, the priest asks:
"Why didn't you cover your private parts?"
To which the rabbi replies:
"Well, MY congregation recognizes me by my face. "
The difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'
When you marry the right girl, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong girl, you are finished.
And when the right girl catches you with the wrong girl, you are completely finished!
I showed up to run a marathon, but realized that I had forgotten my water bottle. I decided to run anyway...
... I finished in 3^st
A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.
Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"
Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."
The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.
Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"
Man:"Yeah, me too."
B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"
A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like."
God sees Adam in the Garden of Eden...
...and asks him how things are going with him and Eve. "Great!" Says Adam. "We just finished having s**...! s**... is wonderful!" God asks, "Speaking of Eve, where is she?". To that Adam Replies "Oh, she's down at the beach washing up." God is furious. "WHAT? NOW I'LL NEVER GET THAT SMELL OFF OF THE FISH!"
I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"
"No," I said.
"It's to look at."
I asked my mum if I could lick the bowl when she was finished.
She replied "why can't you flush it like everyone else"
An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."
God said to Gabriel:
"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"
Why did you ask?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s**...?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump
The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!
I have a male to female trans friend who just finished her gender reassignment surgery.
I asked how she felt afterwards and she said...
"I feel hole inside!"
(This joke is not meant to be transphobic, it exists purely for the pun. Trans rights!)
Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?
Because they have just finished a 31 day March.
Doctor's orders for more peace in your life
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
How I lost my job as a hairdresser.
I had just about finished styling a very wealthy lady's hair. I put down the hair dryer, and placed a hand mirror behind her head. "OK, how's that?", I asked.
She sniffed, and said "more volume."
#"OK, HOW'S THAT!?"
After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...
The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.
When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.
A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.
The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."
The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."
I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift.
I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills.
"The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"
Just finished watching that Documentary on the invention of the shovel...
Ground Breaking Stuff.
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn't finished his sentence
I built a staircase using an online tutorial!
When I finished I thought something looked wrong so I went back to look at the instructions. I missed a step.
I just finished a long article about the different myths behind Jesus' death and resurrection.
There was a lot of ….. cross referencing.
What did the p**... say to her customer after he finished paying?
"It was a business doing pleasure with you."
My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.
Waitress: Are you all finished?
Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.
Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.
A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts
down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.
I've just finished my time machine, and the first thing I'm going to do...
...you know, I'm sick of all these t**... paintings by Adolf h**..., I'm going to go back and make sure he never gets into art college.
3 ladies are celebrating in a bar..
3 blondes are celebrating in a bar. The bartender asks the ladies ''what are you celebrating about?'' The blondes reply ''we finished a puzzle in only 6 months even though on the box it said 4-6 years.''
I've just finished writing my book on penguins...
My wife thinks it would be better on paper.
So I'm in Ikea....
...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."
(edited to make more better)
I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series.
It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.
Big difference between men and women when they say...
There's a big difference between men and women when they say:
"I finished an entire box of tissues watching that film last night"
136 days!
Three guys are celebrating in a bar.
They keep high-fiving each other and yelling, " " " "
They are so excited, the bartender can't stand it any longer.
"Hey," he says, "what are you guys celebrating?"
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle!" says one of them.
"You finished a jigsaw puzzle???" says the bartender. "How come that's so exciting?"
"Well, it said on the box 'Four to six years'!"
We had a big storm on the weekend, we had a b**... and you couldn't go outside. After a while the batteries on my laptop and phone had run out so I read the newspaper and finished my latest book. After that there was nothing to do so I sat down and talked to my wife for an hour or so.
She seems quite nice.
First attempt at writing a joke!
I started a new job this week.
On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.
Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.
In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a horse. He screams LOOK AT ME EVERYBODY and proceeds to grab Frank's cake and gallop out of the office with it.
I was dumbfounded but my new colleagues just rolled their eyes: "oh thats just Bill" they said "always the Centaur of attention."
Tour guide
A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep.
When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?"
Another guy from the tour says "sure, I will" and sticks his head in the fence.
11 People on a rope
11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said the she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner
"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"
I just finished watching a m**... biopic on Netflix and some of those cops were really, really dumb.
The serial killer was d**... though.
I just finished decorating my xmas tree with tampons.
For the Christmas period.
My wife asked me what I was doing today...
...I said "nothing."
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I replied, "I wasn't finished."
Aftershave's aftereffects.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like.
During prayer request I asked the preacher to pray for my hearing.
He decided to bring me up in front of the church anoint me with oil and have the elders lay hands and pray over me.
When they finished the Precher asked how's my hearing?
I said idk it isn't til next week.
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM
(George Michael)