Finish The Word Jokes

47 finish the word jokes and hilarious finish the word puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about finish the word that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Finish The Word Short Jokes

Short finish the word jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The finish the word humour may include short finish the sentence jokes also.

The cast of star wars VII just finished their first read through Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said Can I have a word?
I asked my German friend, What's a three letter word for compete? Friend: Vie.
Me: Because I'm trying to finish a crossword.
I had just finished a book by Stephan King '' IT '' 1/10. There is not a word about information technology or information processing. . Would not recommend
I just finished writing the script for a theatrical production about the making of the first English dictionary I'm calling it A Play On Words
I was attending a spoken word session. When the performer finished, it was dead silent. Then I said, Oh snap .

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Finish The Word One Liners

Which finish the word one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with finish the word? I can suggest the ones about spelling word and finishing work.

Why are buildings called buildings if they're finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
What would Bill Gates say to finish off his rap song? word.
What two word phrase is most often said after two cousin finish having s**...? "Roll tide"

Finish The Word Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about finish the word you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean finish line jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make finish the word pranks.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn n**.... As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

Parish priest

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken i**... drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."

The Engineer

Towards the end of the French revolution many people lost their heads to the guillotine. One day a politician, a priest, and an engineer were to be executed.
The politician was first. The executioner asked him: "Do you have any last words?" to which the man replied, "I regret nothing." The executioner lowered the man's head into the guillotine and released the blade. It fell swiftly but suddenly jams and stopped just inches from reaching the politician's neck.
There was a rule with these executions where if the blade could not finish its job with one pull of the rope, the condemned were allowed to be released and set free. Upon realizing this the politician cheers in excitement and scampers away.
Up next was the priest - the executioner asked, "Do you have any last words?" to which the priest replied, "None. God has already saved my immortal soul." The executioner then lowered the priest's head into the guillotine and pulled the lever to release the blade. AGAIN, the blade jams and stops just inches before reaching the priest's neck. After realizing what had just happened, the priest said "Praise the lord, it's a miracle!" and scampered away.
Finally, the engineer was brought up to the guillotine. The executioner said, "Any last words?" to which the engineer replied - "Yes! I think I see what your problem is."

THE MAN of the Italian house

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, _You Can Be THE MAN of Your House._
Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of s**... that I want. Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The f**...' f**... director would be my first guess"

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was now at hospital, near death.

The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the f**..., as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. He opened the note, and read out loud, Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?

A knock at the door

Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves.
He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him *twice*, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything.
On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done.
Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty n**... bug going around."

A man is getting into the shower...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n**... in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Guy walks into a bar.

Guy walks into a bar.
The bar is empty except for a group of blonde women in the far corner chanting. "23 weeks, 23 weeks, 23 weeks"
The guy asks the barman for a beer and also asks what's all that about in the corner.
Barman says "I have no idea. They've been meeting here every afternoon for the past 23 weeks. They sit silently leaning over the table and never say a word until today."
Intrigued, the man wanders over to the group of woman. They are now hugging each other and shaking each others hands and patting each other on the back. Still chanting "23 weeks, 23 weeks, 23 weeks."
The asks them "what's all the celebrating about?"
One of the woman looks at him and says very proudly "everyone is always saying how blondes are so dumb. Well today we have just proven how intelligent we are."
The man says "well tell me, what have you done to prove blondes are intelligent?"
The woman says "well on the box of this jigsaw puzzle it says 3 years or up, and we just finished the whole puzzle in 23 weeks"

Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiancé and Iast night.

In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of them for breakfast, lunch or dinner at some point in the next year. With 400 or so families in the town, this is quite the undertaking. He decides to start all the at the outskirts of his Parrish and work his way inward. As he's walking the 7 miles to the O'leary farm, he notices how perfect the soil is, and how bountiful the upcoming harvest will be for the O'leary family. He thinks to himself how blessed by God they are. He comes to the door and tells Seamus O'leary how blessed he has been by God for this farm, and with the help of God he hopes he wakes up everyday thankful for what he has.
To which Seamus replies "Aye, I awake everyday thankful for what I have Fadder, but you should seen the place when just God owned it!"
Tl;dr
My marriage counselor is an agnostic.
EDIT
Title should be and I. I no word good.

Mailman's last day on the job

A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She's wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs and into the bedroom and proceeds to give him the best s**... of his life. After they both get dressed, she takes his hand and leads him downstairs. There is a gourmet meal prepared on the table and she pulls out a chair and indicates for him to sit down. Without a word he sits and they eat until they cannot eat another bite. He finishes eating and slumps back in his chair. The woman stands up and walks over to him, slipping a $1 bill in his front pocket. Bewildered the man finally asks "What in the world is all of this for?". The woman responds, "I heard it was your last day and asked my husband what we should do for you. He said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea".

Typical Johnny

Teacher asks the class if they can think of a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it.
After a long pause little Johnny puts his hand up. "yes Johnny, give it a go"
I was in the car with my dad and we were driving past one of our neighbours who was painting his garden fence with a toothbrush. My dad said "it's going to take that contagious to finish that"

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her...

and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light...
No madam, said the gardener…

Timbuktu

A Harvard grad and an Agricultural grad are competing for a bank job. The bank president is equally impressed with both candidates so he comes up with with a test to see how they think on there feet. He tells both candidates to write a poem using a word he will give them in 3 minutes to complete the task. Both candidates agree. The presidents say the word is "timbuktu". Go!!!
The Harvard grad starts writing immediately and finishes in a minutes while the Aggie has not written anything down. The president tells him time is half over just write something down. The Aggie frantically writes something and finishes just in time.
Since the Harvard grad finished first he will read his first and it went something like this.
Basting is the desert sun, Camels lined two by two, Destination timbuktu.
Impressed the president reads the Aggies.
A hunting Tim and I went, Spotted three lovelies in a tent, With the morning dew, I buck one and, Tim buck two
Aggie gets the job is you are worried about that.

George and the Dragon

A vagabond in 18th century England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."
He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

Man goes on a work trip to Japan.

A man travels to Japan for work. After a few weeks he gets lonely and hires a p**.... They get down to business, but right away she starts yelling "machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"
Not speaking a word of Japanese he thinks she must be really enjoying it. He finishes up and she collects her things quickly, grabs the money scowling all the time and slams the door on the way out.
The next day his boss takes him out for a round of golf. On the third hole he tee's up, takes a swing and it flies true and lands a whole in one! He's so excited and wants to show off the Japanese he learned. "Machigatta ana" he screams!
He boss looks confused... "No, you got it in the right hole... "

$800

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n**... in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, Who was that?
It was Bob the next door neighbor, she replies.
Great, the husband says, Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?

$800 owed

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n**... in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up hers, when the doorbell rings....

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "i'll give you $800 the drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n**... in front of Bob. Bob hands her the $800 after a moment and leaves. The woman wraps back up her towel and goes back upstairs. When she's in the bedroom the husband asks "who was that?" "It was bob the next-door neighbor," she replies. He says "Great, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.

Barack V/s Trump

Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine…

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn n**....

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"

Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink...

The bartender looks at him and says" See that woman over there, she will give you a b**... and sing the National Anthem at the same time".
"No way" the guy says.
"Oh yeah, and she only charges $20".
So he walks over and hands her a $20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light.
As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn't believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible.
Just after he finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is...
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE."
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED!"
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED"

Trump and Obama at the barber

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn n**.... As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

Obama and Trump get a shave...

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a ginger stuck on a desert

The three friends have been stuck in the desert for days. They have finished their last drink of water. They come across a genie in a bottle.
The genie says he will grant them one wish each.
The brunette is excited and says "I wish to be home with my family"
Next comes the ginger's wish
The ginger repeats those words. "I wish to be home with my family"
Finally it is the blonde's wish.
She groans and says "I wish my friends could be with me!"

Trump and Obama at a Barber shop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn n**....
As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the words complete and finished. However......

"When you marry the right person, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong person, you are FINISHED.
And when the 'right one' catches you with the 'wrong one'
Well .... you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

A man and a woman are about to have s**... for the first time

They just finished u**... each other when she stops him and says, "There's something I need to tell you."
He stops enjoying the view to look her in the eye and say, "What, what is it?"
"I used to be man..."
He sits on the edge of the bed and looks over her body slowly, not saying a word. Worried she might have lost her lover for the night she says, "Is everything OK?"
"Yes... It's just a lot to take in."

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn n**.... As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

A friend messaged me some encouraging words today...

What a thoughtful friend I thought as I read the words he wrote to me. It wasn't until I finished that I realized what he wanted in return...
"See The Bright Side.
Everyone Has Some Good In Them.
Never Go To Bed Mad.
Distrust Will Kill Any Relationship.
New Things Won't Make You Happy.
Understanding Is Half The Battle.
Do What You Can.
Even You Can Find A Hidden Meaning.
Surely You Didn't Miss It..."

An angel appears to a man in a dream...

The angel offers him a choice - He can have the Wisdom of Solomon, or $50,000,000. Believing that this was a test from God, the man choses Wisdom.
The next morning, the man is having breakfast with his friends and he recants the story to them. When he's finished, one friend says, If you're so wise now, then tell us some words of wisdom.
The man says, I should have taken the money.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there's no difference but there is.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!
And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop

Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each one being worked on by a different barber, not one word was spoken. When the barbers finished shaving, the barber that had Trump reached for the aftershave. Trump quickly stopped him saying: No thanks, Melania will smell that and think I've been in a brothel. The second barber turned to Biden and said, How about you, Mr. Biden? Joe replied, Go ahead, Jill doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.

A trap set by wife for husband and the maid

one evening she suddenly sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell the husband. that night when they went to bed **husband** gave same old story "*excuse me my dear, my stomach& went to bathroom.* the wife promptly went into maid's bed & switched off the lights. when in he came silently he wasted no time on words but quickly started having s**... when he finished
the **wife** switched on the light & said : **u didn't expect me in this bed, did u?**
**"no madam said the watchman"!!**

I was doing the crossword puzzle at breakfast and asked my wife for some help.

I asked, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"
She said "Huh?"
I said, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"
She said "Huh?"
I tried one more time, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"
For some reason, she got up and stormed out of the kitchen. So now I'm in trouble and I still haven't finished my puzzle. Not a great start to the day...