Fingers Jokes

What are some Fingers jokes?

My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

My hand.

My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

I broke one of my fingers at work today.

On the other hand, everything is OK.

I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn't remember what that character was called so I sign to her, What's that character's name?

Edward, says her hands.

A Roman walks into a bar,

holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please"

What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?

My hand.

How can you tell a mechanic just had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean.

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken...

it was hard to grasp.

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants?

So he could run his fingers through his hair!

I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....

To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.

How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

On their fingers

Man is like spider...

..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web

TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation.

It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.

What is green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's fingers

I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

A young boy asks his dad

A young boy asks his dad: "Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't actually green?"

The dad replies: "It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something, they say that they have been caught 'red handed,' even though their hands are actually black."

Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?

Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear.

After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

The English and the Scots.

A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are

The first girl says "I'm so loose my boyfriend can get three fingers inside of me". The second girl says "I'm so loose MY boyfriend can get his whole fist in me." The third girl just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".ο»Ώ

"dad, why do people say they have green fingers when their fingers are not green"?

"well son, its a saying. just like when you say someone was caught red handed, when their hand is actually black"

Three prostitutes in a bar...

First one holds up four fingers "I can take that inside me" she says.
"Well, I can take this" says the second, holding up a fist.
The third one slides slowly down the bar stool.

Firetruck game

Boy: Lets play the firetruck game.

Girl: How do you play?

Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say, "red light" when you want me to stop.

Girl: Okay :)

*Few seconds later*

Girl: RED LIGHT!!

Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for red lights ;)

Why do German shower faucets have 11 holes?

Jews only have 10 fingers.

Little Suzy wet herself in class one day..

The teacher asked "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She said "I did! but it ran out through my fingers!"

Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:


"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"


The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.


She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

Your momma so fat

It's been four weeks since Thanos snapped his fingers and she's still disintegrating.

What has a ring but no fingers?

The former owner of a Note 7

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?

Well hung.

What has 4 fingers, a thumb, and is not your hand?

My hand

What do Popeye's fingers smell like?

Olive oil.

Julius Caesar sashays into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please!"

The doctor asked, how many fingers am I holding up?

I said, feels like two. Can you finish the prostate exam please?

A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling.

Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason.

Another penguin joke. nsfw

A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.

Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.

Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."

Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

Guy can tell how any animal was killed

Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.

People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).

the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!

the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.

the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**

A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes

A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples' souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says, I want to be beautiful . God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man's turn he laughed and said, I wish all those people were ugly again.

10-inch BIC

Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.

1: You got a lighter?

2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*

1: Woah, where'd you get that!?

2: I have a personal genie.

1: Cool! Can I make a wish?

2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*

1: I wish for a million bucks!

*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*

1: Wow, your genie really sucks at hearing.

2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?

What does a bowling ball and your mom have in common?

You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, and they'll always come back.

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter

Guy 1 asks: *"That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"*

Guy 2 says: *"I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"*

Guy 1 goes: *"Cool, let me see it!"*

He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish.

Guys 1 wishes: *"I wish for a million bucks!"*

So the genie snaps his fingers and a few seconds later, thousands upon thousands of ducks come swarming into the bar.

Guys 1 says: *"What is this?! I said a million bucks not a million ducks!"*

Guys 2 says: *"Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"*

Black Stereotype

A black man meets a pretty white girl at a bar. They hit it off through the night get a little drunk and decide to take a cab home together. When the white girl arrived at her stop she asked the black man to come inside. He does and the fun continues.
The white girl is sitting on her couch next to black man running her fingers along his pants and says in a sexy voice "so is it true what they about black men? I want you to prove it to me." the black man says "okay baby you sure your ready for this?" she says yeah excitedly.
He then stabs her and steals her purse.

A bus of ugly people crashes ...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

What is the difference between a girl from London and a Kitkat?

You only get 4 fingers in a Kitkat.

A man gets in a fight with his wife

A man gets in an argument with his wife during dinner. After the meal, the husband furiously runs down to their wine cellar and opens a bottle of vintage wine. Magically, a genie comes out of the bottle and says "You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, your wife will get double."
The man says "I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your new beach house is waiting for you. But your wife now has two beach houses right next to yours."
"That's fine" the man said. "How about a nice sports car?"
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your brand new sports car is in your garage. But your wife now has two sports cars. You have one more wish."

The man thought and thought about what his last wish should be. After a few hours of thinking, he stood up and told the genie "I wish you would beat me half to death."

3 women sitting at a bar

3 women are sitting at a bar. They start discussing masturbation.The first woman proudly proclaims
"I can fit 2 fingers!"
The second says
"Well I can fit a whole cucumber!"
The third slipped down the stool.

How do Chernobyl kids count to one thousand?

With their fingers

Why do gorillas have big noses?

Because they have big fingers.

[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed..

Β 

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;Β 

I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

Β 

The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;Β 

I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

Β 

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuanaΒ 

and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.Β 

All I had left to work with was the man'sΒ  blonde hair and the Horse's ass.Β 

I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"

If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...

...but I don't like to point fingers...

Yo momma's so fat

It took me three fingers to swipe left.

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

Wife was in ICU

Doctor: She is in a coma.

Husband: Please save her. She's just 30.

*Just then, ECG starts beeping. Fingers move. Her lips mumbled...

And she spoke:
I'm 29

Did you hear about the two mute people who were telling each other jokes?

They laughed so hard they broke their fingers.

German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"

Two guys meet up at a high school reunion

They start talking about people from their past.

"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"

"Oh yea, how she doing?"

"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.

"Oh, she got breast enlargement?"

"No, she's got severe arthritis"

They call me Joe Fat Fingers

And I dobn't kniw whu

How to make Fingers jokes?

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