Finger Jokes

What are some Finger jokes?

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red.

Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield?

She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.

Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.

I broke my finger today...

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

My hand.

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.

The moist finger

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.

And I thought to myself..... "I really need a new freakin' boat."

I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.

What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?

My hand.

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

I played my wedding video backwards today.

It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.

That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?

No I'm a blonde , she replies.

I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.

I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

How do two lesbians pass their time when on their period?

Finger painting.

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.

A woman walks into a convenience store...

"I need four D batteries," she says.

The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand everything is fine.

If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*

A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"

Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel

You might be too weak to lift your middle finger

How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off?

I'd say about a 9 out of 10

I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety...

But my boss doesn't like to be touched.

So a tourist walks into an English pub...

A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says:

"Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?"

They get outraged and snap back:
"It's Wales, you idiot!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I'm okay

I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic…

But then I remembered that it's always going to be okay.

How can you tell a mechanic recently had sex?

He has 1 clean finger.




src: heard on radio yesterday

I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...

... I knew I was in hot water.

A brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.

Doctor: how did this happen?

Blonde: I tried to suicide.

Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?

Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

A man is sitting at the doctor's office

As he is doing this, he playfully rotates the wedding ring on his finger. An older gentleman across from him beckons and whispers "Son, there ain't no combination that's gonna unlock that thing".

Was walking by a mental hospital when...

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 14, 14, 14, 14. My curiosity got the better of me so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration I then heard the people start chanting 15, 15, 15, 15.

When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".ο»Ώ

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What does a pedophile and a guitarist have in common...

They both like to finger A-minor.

A guy calls his wife to say he's had an accident at the factory

He says, "I got my finger cut off!"

She asks, "The whole finger?"

He replies, "No, the one next to it."

Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident

His wife was telling her friend about it

The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"

The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

I lost a good friend and long time drinking buddy a few days ago in a tragic accident

he got his finger caught in a wedding ring

"Tell me what you want." I whispered, as I slid my finger up and down her G string…

She said, "I want my guitar back."

What has 4 fingers, a thumb, and is not your hand?

My hand

What do Popeye's fingers smell like?

Olive oil.

What is green and smells like a pig?

Kermit the frog's finger

I was at the gym the other night, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

Long story short, she filed a complaint and I'm banned for life.

A blonde goes to a doctor...

"Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde

"Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied.

She then procceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid.

"What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde.

"Cover up the cut in your finger."

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

Finger Licking Good

Little Timmy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Timmy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Timmy, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Timmy says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Timmy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

I know there's a reason why I cut my hands off.

I just can't put my finger on it right now.

Preacher

A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.


The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"

How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid?

He has one clean finger

So I was fingering this girl, she said put 2 in so I did.

She said put your whole hand in so I did, next she demanded the other hand so I obliged. Finally she said "now clap your hands" I said "I can't" to which she replied "Pretty tight huh?"

42! 42! 42!

A man Is walking past a mental health building, he can hear the patients in a yard shouting " ", not being able to see over the high walls, he finds a hole in the wall, as he looks through, a Finger pokes his eye. "43! 43! 43!" The yard shouts!

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf.

First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground to part the seas. He walks into the middle of the now waterless lake and hits it onto the green. He sinks the ball with a birdie.

Next goes Jesus. Jesus puts his hands in prayer and then sets up to hit the ball. He makes contact and hits it onto the green. He puts it in for an eagle.

The old man grumbles and growls. He approaches the tee with his club in his off-hand. He takes a mighty swing and smacks the ball. The ball flies and lands on a lily-pad. It is then picked up by a frog. The frog in turn finds itself in the clutches of a falcon. The frog drops the ball and it bounces in for a hole-in-one.

At this point Moses leans towards Jesus and whisper, "I really hate playing with your old man."

Why are hands so important?

You always need them for thumb finger another.

I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...

But I can't put my finger on it.

Red head goes to doctors office..

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Man goes to a doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I have pain all over my body, everywhere I touch hurt". He then proceeds to point to various parts of his body cringing in pain. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and concludes. "Sir, it appears you have a broken finger".

Little Johnny is in math class

And the teacher asks, "If five birds are in a tree and you shoot two, how many are left?"

Ecstatic, Johnny replies, "None, the rest fly away!"

The teacher replies, "No, there are 3. But I like your thinking."

So johnny asks, "There are three women each with an ice cream cone. Thr first just licks the tip, the second licks around the base, and the third licks all over and really gets into it. Which one is married?"

"Why, the third of course."

"No, the one with the ring on her finger, but I like your thinking."

A man walks into the doctors.

He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here
And touches his abdomen

And the dr says -
Yeah you have a broken finger.

If a deaf person is missing a finger...

...do they speak with a lisp?

My friend had a tragic accident.

He got his finger stuck in a wedding ring.

Was walking by a mental hospital when.....

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 6, 6, 6, 6. My curiosity got the better of me thinking I was about to witness some sort of satanic ritual, so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration and applause from inside, I then heard the people start chanting 7, 7, 7, 7.

How to make Finger jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Finger to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Finger? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Finger pick up lines to share with friends.

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