Finger Jokes
186 finger jokes and hilarious finger puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about finger that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a good laugh, then you've come to the right place. These finger jokes are sure to crack you up.
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Funniest Finger Short Jokes
Short finger jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The finger humour may include short thumb jokes also.
- Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared. Apparently only DC movies can do that.
- Wife asks: Why are you watching our wedding video backwards? — I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.
- My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home." I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
- A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?" "Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone." - I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me. I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.
- The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a third world country if they gain independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.
- I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.
- I played my wedding video backwards today. It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.
- I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.
- I recently watched my wedding video backwards. I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.
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Finger One Liners
Which finger one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with finger? I can suggest the ones about knife and lick.
- What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red.
- What's the opposite of lady fingers? Mentos
(I will see myself out) - I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine.
- What has five fingers and isn't your hand? My hand.
- I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
- I broke one of my fingers at work today. On the other hand, everything is OK.
- A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please"
- I burned my finger on my computer processor. It MHz.
- What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand? My hand.
- I broke my finger yesterday... ... on the other hand, I'm okay.
- How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100? On their fingers
- I broke my finger last week. On the other hand everything is fine.
- Man is like spider... ..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web
- Broke my finger today On the other hand I am ok
- What is green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers
Ring Finger Jokes
Here is a list of funny ring finger jokes and even better ring finger puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I lost a good friend and long time drinking buddy a few days ago in a tragic accident he got his finger caught in a wedding ring
- What has a ring but no fingers? The former owner of a Note 7
- My friend had a tragic accident. He got his finger stuck in a wedding ring.
- Wearing Your Wedding! A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman. - It's impossible for the knuckle of your ring finger and the knuckle of your index finger to touch while giving the bird Haha. I just made you flick yourself off.
- Sadly, my best friend of many years lost his life earlier today. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
- "Why do you always wear your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Because I married the wrong woman."
- My friend asked what me what I hated the most on a beautiful girl. Me: The ring on her finger.
My friend: What's next?
Me: The ring on my finger... - A wedding ring is a lot like The One Ring Once it's on your finger none of your friends ever see you again
- Why did the man wear his wedding ring on the wrong finger? Because he was married to the wrong woman.
Broken Finger Jokes
Here is a list of funny broken finger jokes and even better broken finger puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken... it was hard to grasp.
- A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says, "You've broken your finger"
- Patient: Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere. Doctor: You have a broken finger.
- Always making up excuses isn't a good thing. I wish i could explain why but i have broken my finger.
- Patient asking... Patient asking: "Doctor, it hurts when I press my leg. It hurts, when I press my arm. It hurts, when I press my head. What's that?"Doctor: "You have a broken finger!"
- Blonde patient went to the doctor Patient. Everywhere I touch it hurts.
Doctor. You have a broken finger. - A man goes to the doctor and says that everywhere on his body hurts when touched. The doctor says; Your finger is broken.
- "If I touch myself here, here, here, or here, it hurts!" Doctor: Well, your finger appears to be broken.
- When it comes to broken digits, who can point a finger as to the cause?
- 'Doctor, Doctor!' 'If I push my finger down on my knees it hurts, and if I push down near my hips it hurts and it even hurts when I push down on my ankles!'
'I see. You've broken your finger.'
Pointing Finger Jokes
Here is a list of funny pointing finger jokes and even better pointing finger puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look... ... I knew I was in hot water.
- Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers...
- A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, Hey!
The horse says, You read my mind, buddy. - A horse walks into a bar A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way and yells, Hey!
The horse says, You read my mind, buddy. - What did the young boy shout in the church while pointing finger guns? pew pew pew
- I read a riddle with a picture of an eye, a child, a finger pointing at me, and a knot I kid you not, that's what it was
- Strategy for arguing with your wife/girlfriend When you are arguing with your wife or girlfriend, point your finger at the kitchen and strictly say "Go to your room!".
- So my best friend had his index finger amputated in an accident. That's dis-a-pointing.
- Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane! He pointed his finger at it and yelled bang!
- What can point in every direction but can't reach the destination by itself? Your finger.
Finger Cut Jokes
Here is a list of funny finger cut jokes and even better finger cut puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket? Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
- How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off? I'd say about a 9 out of 10
- A guy calls his wife to say he's had an accident at the factory He says, "I got my finger cut off!"
She asks, "The whole finger?"
He replies, "No, the one next to it." - A man cuts off two fingers on one hand in a work accident Will I still be able to write with it? He asks the doctor.
The doctor says, Probably, but I wouldn't count on it - I know there's a reason why I cut my hands off. I just can't put my finger on it right now.
- I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger. It's nothing serious. It's just a whittle cut.
- I cut off a finger in an accident at work I called my wife from the hospital and told her the terrible news.
"Oh, no" she cried "Was it the whole finger?"
"No" I replied "It was the one next to it." - A construction worker comes home from work. He tells his wife, "Honey, I cut off my finger today."
She replies, "The whole finger!?"
He says, "No, the one right next to it." - A man cut off his finger at work He called his wife and said honey, I just cut my finger off at work
She replied your whole finger?!
Thankfully no, the one next to it. - Yesterday this guy walks up on my lawn and gives me the finger. I swear that's the last time I try to cut my tree limbs without gloves.
Finger Licking Good Jokes
Here is a list of funny finger licking good jokes and even better finger licking good puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the cannibal go to KFC? He heard it was finger l**... good.
- Why is there no toilet paper at KFC? Cause its finger l**... good.
- Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper? Because it's finger l**... good
- Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper? Because it's finger l**... good
- If a proctologist works part time at KFC.... Is it still finger l**... good?
- Why doesn't the Kentucky Fried Chicken use toilet paper? It's finger l**... good.
Comical Finger Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about finger you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pins jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make finger pranks.
Grandpa told me this
Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"
I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in...
...Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.
A man calls home to his wife after an accident at the factory.
He says, "I had a bad accident with a punch press, and it cut off my finger."
She asks, "The whole finger?"
He replies, "No, the one next to it."
What is Green...and Smells Like Pork?
What is Green...and Smells Like Pork?
Kermit the Frog's Finger!!
A nuclear physicist is drinking at Oktoberfest...
He approaches the bar to and calls over a barman. The barman asks what he would like, and the physicist raises one finger and says,
"Ein Stein".
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.
He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
Why are hands so important?
You always need them for thumb finger another.
Why do programmers like UNIX?
unzip, s**..., touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
Finger l**... Good
Little Timmy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Timmy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Timmy, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Timmy says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was l**... her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was s**... her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone."
"No," said Little Timmy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Two women are talking at a cocktail party
One woman asks, "I noticed that you are wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger, do you usually wear it that way?"
"Yes."
The woman asks, "Why?"
"Because I married the wrong man."
Man goes to a doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I have pain all over my body, everywhere I touch hurt". He then proceeds to point to various parts of his body cringing in pain. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and concludes. "Sir, it appears you have a broken finger".
A man goes to the doctor and says...
"Doc, it hurts when I poke here, when I poke here, and when I poke here. And it hurts here, and here, and here too. What's wrong with me, Doc?"
The doctor goes over to the man, examines him for a second, then says, "Well, it appears that you have a broken finger."
So a tourist walks into an English pub...
A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says:
"Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?"
They get outraged and snap back:
"It's Wales, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
Blonde and The Holy Man
Blonde: "I have heard that you can perform miracles. Can you demonstrate it to me?"
Holy Man: "Sure, why not. Remove your jeans, turn around and then bend down".
Blonde does as asked.
Holy Man: "Now can you feel my finger?"
Blonde: "Yes".
Holy Man: "But see, both my hands are up".
Blonde: "Wow. Superb".
A man is sitting at the doctor's office
As he is doing this, he playfully rotates the wedding ring on his finger. An older gentleman across from him beckons and whispers "Son, there ain't no combination that's gonna unlock that thing".
A little guitar humor
I broke a g-string trying to finger A minor
How do two l**... pass their time when on their period?
Finger painting.
What is green and smells like a pig?
Kermit the frog's finger
A woman is complaining to her neighbor
Wife: My husband is 300% impotent.
Neighbor: A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%.
Wife: Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue.
Was walking by a mental hospital when...
I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 14, 14, 14, 14. My curiosity got the better of me so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration I then heard the people start chanting 15, 15, 15, 15.
Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?
The specific ocean.
Was walking by a mental hospital when.....
I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 6, 6, 6, 6. My curiosity got the better of me thinking I was about to witness some sort of satanic ritual, so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration and applause from inside, I then heard the people start chanting 7, 7, 7, 7.
A blonde was rushed to the hospital
A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to s**....
Doctor: you shot your finger for s**...?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.
Preacher
A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.
How can you tell a mechanic recently had s**...?
He has 1 clean finger.
src: heard on radio yesterday
So I was f**... this girl, she said put 2 in so I did.
She said put your whole hand in so I did, next she demanded the other hand so I obliged. Finally she said "now clap your hands" I said "I can't" to which she replied "Pretty tight huh?"
The moist finger
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.
And I thought to myself..... "I really need a new freakin' boat."
What do women and saxophones have in common?
They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.
I know there's something wrong with my braille book...
but I can't quite put my finger on it.
A blonde goes to a doctor...
"Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde
"Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied.
She then procceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid.
"What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde.
"Cover up the cut in your finger."
When playing the guitar in public...
keep in mind not to finger A minor, you could get arrested.
What do Popeye's fingers smell like?
Olive oil.
A man went to his doctor...
Man: When i press here it hurts, when i press a little bit higher up it hurts and if i press on my leg it also hurts.
Doctor: Looks like you broke your index finger.
42! 42! 42!
A man Is walking past a mental health building, he can hear the patients in a yard shouting " ", not being able to see over the high walls, he finds a hole in the wall, as he looks through, a Finger pokes his eye. "43! 43! 43!" The yard shouts!
3 women are sitting at a bar..
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
The brunette says, "I'm so tight, my husband can only fit 3 fingers in me."
The redhead says, "I'm so tight, *my* husband can only fit 1 finger in me!"
The blonde, meanwhile, slides down her stool.
Man sticks finger into electrical socket...
What happens next will shock you.
A blonde goes to the doctor...
A blonde goes to the doctor. The doctor looks at her and asks what seems to be the problem?
"Everything hurts! No matter where I touch."
"My arms, my thighs, my chest, my head! All of it!"
He looks her over completely and finally looks at her in amazement.
"Lady, your *finger* is broken."
What's green and covered in bacon grease?
Kermit's finger
Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...
Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."
Lisa: "Okay."
They go into the dark closet.
Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"
Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."
I was at the dentist this morning and while he was examining my mouth, I bit his finger.
I think I left a good impression.
A woman walks into a convenience store...
"I need four D batteries," she says.
The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."
"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"
During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.
One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
There's something making the center of my back itch
But I can't put my finger on it.
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"
The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a u**... test."
"Tell me what you want." I whispered, as I slid my finger up and down her G string…
She said, "I want my guitar back."
A brunette goes to the doctor
A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."
If a deaf person is missing a finger...
...do they speak with a lisp?
I was at the gym the other night, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.
Long story short, she filed a complaint and I'm banned for life.
I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety...
But my boss doesn't like to be touched.
Body Pain
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.
That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?
No I'm a blonde , she replies.
I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.
Tests
Two guys were crying in front of a hospital when they meet a common friend of theirs. The friend asked them why they were crying.
First guy: I was here for a blood test and they cut my finger for blood sample.
The friend said it's perfectly natural and thats how they take a sample. The second guy immediately started crying harder then before. The friend got confused and asked him what happened.
Second guy: I'm here for u**... test.
A telecoms engineer joins the army...
On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
The year is 2017.
There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my a**... and wriggles it about a bit.
What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...
Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the b**... for nuclear warfare!
[Scariest of all is that it's true :( ]
When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.
But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the f**..., Emily".
A guy asked me how I lost the finger on my right hand.
I was showing someone how I lost the finger on my left
Today a waitress got her finger stuck in the dishwasher
We had to fire both of them.
A man walks into the doctors.
He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here
And touches his abdomen
And the dr says -
Yeah you have a broken finger.
I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic…
But then I remembered that it's always going to be okay.
What has one finger and is very demanding?
A ransom note.
There's something I like about you, I just can't put my finger on it...
Because it would be s**... harassment.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.