Finest Jokes
84 finest jokes and hilarious finest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about finest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Finest Short Jokes
Short finest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The finest humour may include short greatest jokes also.
- I was born male and I identify as male, yet... ... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!
- I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"... She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.
- I feed my cat vegan food. Now some of you may say "but they are predators they need meat." You're right, that's why I feed my cat only the finest vegans.
- I was very angry when my waiter served me bowl of dust. But then he pointed out, it's written right there on the menu... "We only use the finest ingredients"
- The NYPD is reporting that Antifa has painted convincing-looking tunnels on walls to trick New York's Finest into running into them at high speed They're calling it "operation meep-meep"
- I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it... Bisquey Business
- Shakespeare jokes Said hamlet of ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?
-Some of Spike Milligan's finest work - I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing I used the finest tuxedo!
- I went into a pub in Stratford and said in my best Shakespearean voice, "A flagon of your finest ale please, Falstaff. "
They threw me out. Told me I was bard. - I want to open a clock shop... The commercials will say:
"I sell some of the finest wrist timepieces around. Don't believe me? Just watch."
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Finest One Liners
Which finest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with finest? I can suggest the ones about nicest and absolute best.
- Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery. Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.
- So I put my dog on a vegan diet Don't worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find
- How does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? With the finest ingredients.
- Where do only the finest South Pacific neckbeards hail from? M'laysia.
- How does Michael J. Fox bake cookies? By using only the finest ingredients.
- What is Alabama's finest hour? Tua'Clock
- Science at its finest. Why are all subatomic particles gay?
Because they are all atoms - That new film, The Finest Hours, looks really good the plot looks very submerging
- I think I know how Dell will brand it's factories... The finest potato farms to date.
- The world's finest super spy at work: an interview
- You know what grinds my gears? NOTHING
r**... ENGINEERING FINEST AND GREATEST
Playful Finest Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about finest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean brightest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make finest pranks.
New Young Lawyer
A young lawyer passes the Bar Exam & decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he will come across as very professional.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a lawyer?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?"
A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest p**... suit."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."
A Polish Joke
A man walks up to a counter and says to the clerk, "Sir, give me your finest polish sausage!"
The man looks back at him confused. He then asks, "Sir, are you by any chance Polish?"
The first man looks back at him shocked and appalled. "How dare you assume I'm polish just because I asked for polish sausage! If I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I had asked for spaghetti, would you have assumed I was Italian? I can't believe you would assume something like that!"
The clerk looks back at him and says, "No sir, I assumed you were Polish because this is a hardware store."
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...
There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you have to pay me $100."
The man thinks about this for a moment, seeing that the juicy appetizing steak is only a few shelves up, *maybe if I stretch I can grab it*...
But then he cracks and yells running out of the shop, "The stakes are too high!"
A snail walks into a car dealership...
and is immediately greeted by a salesman.
"I want your finest car", says the snail.
So the salesman drives up in a brand new, pearl white fully loaded Rolls Royce.
The snail is very excited. "Excellent. Now before I pay for this car, is there something else you can do for me?"
The salesman is about to wet himself from the sweet commission he's about to get. "What do you need?"
The snail replies "I want you to take this black paint, and cover the entire car with hundreds of S's."
The man is flabergasted. "but sir, that would look horrible...why would you want to defile such a beautiful and expensive car?"
The snail responded proudly, "When I'm driving down the street, I want people to stop, point at my car and say 'wow...look at that S car go!'"
A young tree, curious about his lineage, asked an older tree, "Am I the son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"
The older tree replied, "I don't know, but your mom was the finest piece of ash in the forest!"
Two men sitting at a bar...
Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey! The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?
I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman! The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, By chance, did you happen to live near Dublin?
Aye Sir, born and raised there! Another round Bartender! exclaimed the first. Downing the whiskey together, the first looks at the second and says, As unlikely as it seems, by chance you didn't go to St. John's College in Dublin did you?
Jesus Mary and Joseph I did sir! Another two for my friend and me! A regular walks into the bar and sits down next to the pair. The bartender pours him his usual beer and the man asks, How's the bar doing tonight, anything new going on? The bartender replies, Nothing new pal, just the O'Malley brothers drunk again.
Irishman in confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel attached to his pants...
He walks up to the bartender and says "Aye matey, give me a bottle of yer finest r**...!"
The bartender looks at the pirate, looks at the wheel and, with a confused look on his face says, "Sure buddy, but you gotta tell me, what's with the steering wheel attached to your c**...?"
The pirate replies "Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
A man walks into a bar...
... Approaches the bartender and asks for ten shots of his finest Scotch. The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them, one after the other, in under ten seconds.
The bartender says "My god, I've never seen anyone take so many shots so fast!"
To which the man replies "Bartender, if you had what I have you'd drink fast too."
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
"Four bucks."
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest h**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while b**... her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin¹s h**...."
An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar.
An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar. The professor says to the Dubliner "If you can put the words defeat, defence and detail into one sentence I will buy you the finest beer you could ever ask for" so the Dub replies "De horse jumped ova da fence da feat came first and da tail came last"
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "Twenty shots of your finest tequila, please."
The bartender is surprised, but obliges. The man then goes down the line, taking shot after shot, back to back. The bartender is amazed!
"Wow! I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" says the bartender
The man says: "Yeah, well, when you have what I have, you'd drink like that too"
"Well, what do you have?"
"A dollar."
Hearing Aid.
An elderly gent was showing off his new hearing aid to a friend.
"This is the finest hearing aid on the market today" he bragged "I paid over £500 for it".
His friend asked "What Kind is it?"
He replied "Half past five".
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.
Canadian Humor at it's finest: What did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynecologist? - *f**...* - AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHA!
Two women meet over a coffee.
"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Majestic."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Majestic!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking h**...'"
Johny the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest p**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's p**...."
"Were dining on the finest china tonight"
A Chinese man then walks in and lays down on your table
Southern man getting a Vasectomy, no not the cherry bomb joke.
A man from the southern US goes to the doctor to get a vasectomy. He wears his finest 3 piece suit with his best shoes. When the nurse is getting him ready she asks him why he's dressed so fancy. The man replies, "Well heck, if I'ma be impotent, I'ma look impo'tant too."
A man loses his eye in a car accident
When he's in recovery, his doctor tells him he won't be able to regain his vision so he offers him his finest false eyes. However, due to the insurance cost and hospital bills, the man can only afford a wooden eye as a replacement.
After a few weeks of adjusting to the wooden eye, he's feeling pretty confident so he goes out to a bar. As he sits down to drink, he spies a beautiful woman with a large nose from across the bar.
With every ounce of courage he has he approaches the woman and says "would you like to go on a date with me?"
"Would I!?" Replies the woman excitedly.
"Big nose!" Shouts the man angrily and storms out of the bar.
WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"
WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
CUSTOMER: "Ah ha!!"
The Queen of all dairy was rumored to have the most beautiful successor in all the land.
She had the finest Dairy heir.
God allows animals to ask him one question...
The giraffe: God why do I have this long neck?
God: to be able to get the finest leaves.
The rihno: why is my skin so heavy and thick?
God: because your skin is your armor and its role is to protect you from your enemies.
The chicken: I don't care, so please don't even try explain! You make the hole bigger or the egg smaller.
I went to Church today.
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replies, "Get out, you're on my side."
Racism at its finest
They asked a Scottish man
"What is better for you? A Muslim or a Jewish?"
He replied: the Muslim is better than the Jewish in the sense that gonorrhea is better than chlamydia
A deformed cat walks into a bar
The bartender says:
"What can I do for you?"
To which the cat immediately replies:
"I'll have a gla-..."
"..."
"..."
"-ss of your finest milk please!"
And so the bartender places the glass of milk onto the bar table.
To which the cat, from all the way of the other end of the bar table, scoops it up and pulls it over without getting up from his seat.
And the bartender says:
"So I gotta ask"
"Why the long paws?"
Choochie Green was a h**... in a little town,
One Sunday morning she's decides to go to church. She gets all dressed up, in her finest mini skirt and top. She arrives early to ensure a seat up close. While the rest of the congregation files in, the priest notices her. He leans over to the alter boy and ask "Is that Choochie Green?" The boy squints and leans forward and replies "I don't think so, just the way the lights hitting it"
A man walks into Smoothie Shop and says to the server "I want a glass of your finest beverage!"
So he used the *Frappe* setting for 6 minutes.
My pillow
I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the sewing room upstairs to my bedroom downstairs. Alas, I dropped it from the top of the stairs and by the time it reached the bottom there was stuffing everywhere, and all of the thread had come loose.
It appeared I would have to live without my pillow...
or sew its seams.
A Fairy Tale
After his daughter is cursed by the dark fairy, Maleficent, King Stefan summons his royal carpenters and commands them to make the finest, most comfortable bed in all the land.
"It will be done, Your Majesty," replies the master builder. "Does His Majesty prefer a queen or a king?"
"A king, since you asked," whispers Stefan, "…but don't tell that to the queen!"
A ghost floats into a bar
He stops at the bar and says Barkeep, I'll take a glass of your finest wine.
The bartender doesn't respond.
The ghost is angered and says, Your finest wine, or I'm going to haunt your bar.
Still no response from the bartender.
The ghost says, Hey buddy, what's your problem??
The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve spirits here.
A walks into a drug store in London
A man walks into a drugstore in London and ask the pharmacist for some American razor blades. The pharmacist asks if he is sure, because England makes the finest razor blades in the world. But the man insists on American razor blades.
"Have it your way" says the pharmacist, "but I can assure you that ours are the best. Just last week my wife accidentally swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, a hysterectomy, an appendectomy, circumcised the gardner, emasculated the chauffeur, cut two of the butler's fingers off, and I still got ten shaves out of it"
Massaging the wife
Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.
French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.
American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.
Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?
American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...
The IT man
One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!
THREE vampires walk into a restaurant one casual night.
The host welcomed them in and showed them their seats.
While they were seated, a waiter comes by to ask for their orders:
Vampire 1: "I'm hungry and have saved a lot of money for such an occasion. I'll have a glass of your finest human blood"
Vampire 2: "I'm kinda saving up for stuff, so I'll just have a cup of raw pig blood."
Vampire 3: "I don't have a lot of money with me today, so I'll just have a cup of hot water."
The two vampires and the waiter look at him with contempt
Vampire 3: "What're you looking at me for? I picked this pantyliner from the street so I'm just gonna make tea."
A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel
Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"
Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"
Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."
Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, and we didn't go to the spa!"
Receptionist: "I understand, sir, but it was there if you wanted to."
The husband pulls out $100 and hands it to the receptionist.
Receptionist: "excuse me, sir, but you're $300 short"
Husband: "The cost for sleeping with my wife is $300"
Receptionist: "I did not sleep with your wife!!!"
Husband: "I understand, but she was there if you wanted to."
Father, forgive me, for it has been a long time since I've been to confession,
A man went into a confessional booth and
discovered a fully equipped bar with beer on
tap and a wall stocked with a dazzling array
of the finest Cuban cigars. When the priest
walked into the room the man said, Father,
forgive me, for it has been a long time since
I've been to confession, but I must say the
confessional box is much more inviting than
I remember.
Get out, the priest ordered. You're on
my side.
A man decides to open up a business...
Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"
What do Portland, Oregon, and the finest restaurants in France have in common?
White whine.
It was decided that a great banquet would be held to honor Midwestern athletes
The organizers decided to invite twelve of America's finest sportsmen, specifically Cleveland baseball players and Kansas City (American) footballers. Six special chairs were made with the Cleveland logo, and six with the Kansas City. On the night of the banquet, though, there was a problem. Seven KC players showed up, while only five Clevelanders did. Since the special chairs could not be fixed, this was a calamity! The evening's host decided to contact the chief organizer, who could not attend due to a conflict.
"What's the issue?" barked the suit.
Responded his deputy, "We've got too many Chiefs, and not enough Indians."
I went to Amsterdam and decided to visit the red light district...
In one of the back alleys I met a man who asked "Looking for a good night"
I replied yes, so he gave me his offer
"My ordinary prostitutes all cost 1cent a go, but my finest are beyond money. They will cost you your arm and leg.
I thought about this and finally said
"If your finest women cost an arm and a leg, I'd a penny for your thots..."
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have your finest aged H2O2.", says the first.
"I'll have the same H2O2, too.", says the second.
The bartender served them both water because he paid attention in chemistry class and understood the decomposition process of hydrogen peroxide.
A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman find a magic lamp
A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman are walking on a beach and find a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. He tells them that they each get a single wish.
The Scotsman goes first. I wish for Scotland to make the finest whisky forever. The genie granted the wish, and...not much changes.
The Englishman went next. I wish England was surrounded by a tall wall, and all the foreigners gone. A wall appears, 300 feet (100 meters) high, right on the sand next to them, and stretches as far as the eye can see in both directions.
The Welshman says, fill in the wall with water .
A blond walks into a bar and orders a line of shots.
A blond walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets her up, and the blond takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. She then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the blondy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like c**..., and the last one always makes me sick!"
Two Russian men walk into a Finnish bar
Where they take a seat and order two pints of the bar's finest beer.
The waitress arrives with the pints and two coasters for the gentlemen. She notices that they seem slightly confused.
Soon after, they order two more pints and when she noticed the coasters were missing she replaced them with two new ones.
Each pint after that she brought new coasters, and for the fifth pint she decided she wouldn't bring them anymore.
Both of the Russian men look up, startled and ask "nyet biscuit!?"
Bartender joke
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
12 shots of your finest tequila please
So the bartender starts pouring the shots and on the last one he notices that half of them have been drunk already so the bartender says
Whats going on pal, you drunk those really fast
The guy replies
Youd drink this much if you had what i have
The bartender then asks
What do you have?
He replied i have 50 pence and then made a bee line for the door
A man hasn't been to church for a long while and decides he'd better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he's amazed to find that it's got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.
As he's looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.
The man says, Father, forgive me, it's a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest says, Get out,you idiot. You're on my side.
An Irishman goes into the confessional box...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
Five Hundred Bucks
A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't h**..., I'm homesick."
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same. The bartender asks, Why did you do that?
the guy replies, Well the first shot always tastes like c**..., and the last one always makes me sick!
Guy meets a Pirate in a bar.
He is missing an arm, a leg, and an eye. I mean stereotypical pirate.
Guy asks, "I got to know, how did you lose the leg?"
Pirate says, "arg, I was hunting a big-ol whale and a rope snatched 'round me leg and tore it clean off."
Guy says, "Wow, so- so how did you lose the arm."
Pirate answers, "I was fighting the queens finest and a cutlass lopped off me arm."
Guy says, "crazy... now what about the eye?"
Pirate says, "A bird sh*t in me eye."
Guy bewildered goes, "wo-wait... a BIRD? Sh*t in your eye?"
"First day with me hook."
Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"
The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**
The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says ***"Ok but I need you to pay for the other shots first"***
The guy looks the barman in the eye and says ***"It looks like the trouble has started"******.***
