Finding Money Jokes

A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000. He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the eggs for?" She replies, "Every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box." He says, "That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?" The wife replies, "Every time I get a dozen, I sell them!"

Patient: "Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine."
The doctor was very much pleased.
He asked: "Did it really help you?"
Patient: "It helped me wonderfully."
Doctor: "How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?"
Patient: "I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir."

Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren't.
Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody's yard.
A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog german.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn't at work.

I'm so broke, I don't even get excited when I find money because I'm sure I owe it to someone.

A gay American was caught by his Filipino gay husband cheating.
The American husband asked, "how did you find out?"
The Filipino husband replied, "through my Western Union Receipts."

Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.

Ladies dating a short guy is fun until you can't find him at the club and you don't have taxi money to go home.

Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs... I think it was thyme well spent.

An old man found a box in his attic.

Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."

Why is paper money more valuable than coins?

When you put it in your pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases.
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Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

A guy rescued a genie.

To return the favor, the genie offered him a wish: he could have unlimited money, or unlimited wisdom. The man chose the latter. A few days passed by, his friend came to visit him, finding him crying very fiercely and screaming the sentence: "I should have chosen the money."

The safest place for my money is with my girlfriend

Every time I come home I can't find it, she must hide it well

What's the definition of an optimist?

A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.

I find it difficult trying to give buskers money...

They're always making a song and dance over it.

A woman arrives home to find that her place has been broken into

Among the items that have been stolen are her jewelry, money, and her collection of expensive lotions. Police come to file a report and ask her if she would possibly know of any suspects. She responds "No officer, I have no idea of who would do this. But whoever it is is one smooth criminal."

He's so lazy, that if he robbed a bank he wouldn't even count the money.

He'd just wait to find out in the news report.

A burglar enters a house

The owner wakes up and asks:
"What are you doing?"
"I'm looking for money"
"Nice, tell me if you find any"

How to make a lot of money by predicting the future

1) Wait until your 80+ years old
2) Dress up in a robe with a hood
3) Find dumb superstitious customers
4) Prophet

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.

I'd end up making 3.72 billion dollars because no amount of money can make a girl find me attractive ;\_;

My friend was wondering whether people offering rewards for finding lost kids actually pay up when the search succeeds.

I said 'I think so. I always get the money when I return the ones I kidnap.'

Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.
"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."
"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.
"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $10 bill and tell me ta take a hike.

A chemist puts his money in a drawer and goes to sleep. The next day, he finds all his money has disappeared. Why?

Because the drawer also had antimony.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.
The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
​

Bob is walking down the street when he suddenly finds himself face-to-face with a genie.

The genie tells him, I am all-knowing and all-seeing. I will answer any three of your questions, but they will cost you $1000 each.
$1000 per question?! Bob exclaims.
Yes, the genie responds.
Isn't that a lot of money for something like this?
Yes, the genie says. Now ask me your third question.

I make more money than my wife can ever spend!

The advantages of being single... Just need to find a job and life will be good

There once was a washing machine that loved washing stuff he found...

He would find ANYTHING on the ground, forcefully shove it inside him, clean it, and take it out. One day he found some money on the ground and did his usual routine before being apprehended by the FBI. He was arrested for Money Laundering.

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

A man was moving to another country and needed to find a new home for his 15 pet monkeys.

He saw a man driving down the road with a big van and so he shouted after him,
"I'll give you €50 to bring these monkeys to the zoo for me"
The man with the van agreed and left with the monkeys in his van.
A couple of hours go by and while he is on his way to the airport, he sees the man with the van again coming up the road with all 15 monkeys still in the back.
"I thought I gave you money to bring those monkeys to the zoo?"
"I did, we had some change from the €50 so I'm bringing them to the cinema now"

Preacher finds a receipt for a$250 dress in wife's purse. ..

You know we don't have money for things like this. She said, but you don't understand...the devil was there and kept telling me how great it looks on me. Then he replied, you should have said Get behind me Satan. She said, I did, but he said it looks even better from back there!

Line in heaven

A woman dies and finds herself in a line to get into heaven. As she nears St Peter she hears him asking people
"Please tell me how much money you made and what you did on earth"
Two people ahead if her she heard "I made 2 million a year and I was a CEO"
The person in front of her said "I made 180 thousand a year and I was an electrician"
When she got there she said "I made 12 thousand a year.. "
St Peter asked "and what instrument did you play?"

Two men are walking when they suddenly find $500 laying on the street

They decide to keep the money for themselves. The first man says: 'We should split it fifty fifty'
The other one replies: 'What about the remaining $400?'