Finals Week Jokes

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of s**...?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a m**... case!"

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road.

The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".
The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great s**... for a week".
The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great s**... for a whole year!"
The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great s**... for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies.
"I don't have time for s**....But a talking frog is pretty neat."

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor’s office.

“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
“Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever.
“Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to s**... the pill!

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck...

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.
The only survivor was Julia Gillard.
That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had s**... for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.
He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'

Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

The border guard

So there is this border guard and one day he sees a guy crossing the border on his bicycle with two big bags over his shoulder. The guard pulls him aside for questioning.
"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.
"Just sand." the guy replies.
The guard opens up the bags and sees that is seems to be just sand so he lets him go.
The next day the guy comes back on his bike and again he has two big bags over his shoulder. Again the guard pulls him aside.
"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.
"Sand"
The guard opens the bag and finds nothing but sand. He looks a little harder bus still can't find anything wrong.
Over the next decade the scenario repeats over and over. The border guard knows something is up and tries more sophisticated methods to try and figure it out. Dogs, chemical testing, magnets, everything. He never finds anything i**... though.
Finally, the border guard retires. All his friends and co-workers throw him a big party at a restaurant across the border. While at the party, the guard sees the guy. He decides to go and talk to him.
"Hey, it's interesting seeing you here. I'm having my retirement party right now." the guard say to him.
"Congratulations, I just retired this week myself." the guy says.
"Oh really, what job did you have?"
"I was a smuggler."
"I knew it! Well, you got away with it. So please tell me. What was it that you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles"

so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...

Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Thrifty therapy...

A couple, both aged 70, went to a s**... therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have s**... i**...?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have i**...." The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have i**... with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."

A new recruit is sent to an outpost in the Jungle.

A new recruit is sent out in the jungle to a small outpost, where there are only a few other soldiers there, all of them experienced veterans. After a few weeks, the soldier begins to feel a little unsatisfied with his s**... life, so he goes to ask the sergeant what he can do about it. The sergeant says, "Well, every Sunday, we go out into the jungle, find a bunch of female gorillas and have s**... with them."
The recruit is disgusted, and refuses to join the sergeant and the rest of the soldiers on Sunday.
After a few more weeks, the recruit decides to finally join the rest of the soldiers on their trip to the gorillas, just to try it out. When they get there, all of the soldiers rush back in forth in order to grab a gorilla, leaving the recruit with only one.
Suddenly, all of the soldiers start laughing at him. Not quite knowing why, the recruit yells,"Im not the only one having s**... with a Gorilla!"
The sergeant responds, "No, you just got the ugly one".

Jon was excited about his new rifle..

... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" 

There once was an old cathedral in rural England...

There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."

An older couple goes to the doctor

and asks the doctor if he can watch them have s**.... The doctor, confused a bit, agrees and the couple goes at it.
When they're done the doc says, "I can't see anything wrong. You both seemed to be enjoying yourselves and it doesn't look like either of you was in distress." The couple thanks him and leaves.
This continues every week for a few weeks and finally the doctor just has to ask why they're coming to his office to have him watch them have s**....
"Well, doc," the man says, "she lives with her daughter who is a stay-at-home mom with a young child, so there's no privacy. I live in a nursing home but just got a roommate, so there's no privacy. A hotel is too expensive, but Medicare takes care of your bill."

A Spanish restaurant

One day a man goes to a Spanish restaurant and orders a meal. While his meal is being prepared, he smells something amazing coming from the table next to him.
He looks over and sees a man eating a meatball dish, so he asks a waiter what that dish is:
"That is a dish made from bull t**..., very exquisite."
"Can I cancel my order and have that instead please?"
"I am sorry sir, but we only get those once a week after the bullfights, you can reserve next weeks if you want?"
"Sure."
So the man waits all week and he can't get that smell out of his head, until finally the meal is in front of him.
It was a little smaller than he remembered, but the taste more than made up for it, savouring every bite. When he was finished the waiter came to him and asked:
"Was everything to your standard, sir?"
"Yes, thank you, I could have sworn they were bigger last week though...?"
"Ahh, yes sir, that is... you see... a problem... sometimes the bull wins"

A man goes to see a doctor about his dream

"Doctor, I keep having this dream of rats playing soccer, what should I do?"
"Well I bet it's nothing serious, really, you should be fine."
"No, you don't understand, I've been having this dream for the past 2 Weeks, every single night they play their s**... soccer, it's driving me crazy."
"Well in that case here, have these pills, you won't be seeing any rats tonight."
"Oh thanks, but can i take them tomorrow though?"
"Sure, but why tomorrow?"
"Tonight is the finale."

A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"

The secret to living forever

There was an Indian Guru who knew the secret to living forever, so a guy decides to go find him. After years of searching, the guy finally finds the guru and asks: "do you know the secret to living forever?"
The guru says: "yes, but you will have to give up a few things."
"First you must give up drinking entirely"
"Then you must give up gambling"
"Next you must give up s**..."
"Finally, you will have to work really hard everyday of the week, even on weekends"
So the guy says: "ok, if I give up drinking, gambling and s**... and work really hard everyday I will live forever?"
Guru: "no, but it'll feel like forever"

A Man Looking for a Job

There's a man desperately looking for a job, but he doesn't know how to spell. No one will hire him. One boss says ''Look I'll hire you if you learn how to spell properly. The man goes away, he spends weeks and weeks learning how to spell.
Finally he comes back. The boss says ''Okay, you have three attempts, spell c**...''. The man says ''K-L-I-T-O''. ''No, no, no, you have two more attempts. The man tries again ''K-L-I-''. No, no you have one more go, now come on. The man thinks for a while okay ''I think I have it , K-'' No. no. no. The man says ''Ah Jaysus and I had it on the tip of my tongue there last night.

f**... Cure

A lady walks into a doctors office. She says, " Sir I have a serious problem. I dont know when it started, but I lost control of my farts. Fortunately it doesnt sound or smell at all, but I f**... all the time. You must have not noticed, but I already f**... about 5 times since I walked into your office.
Doctor, silently listening, finally stood up and gave her few pills.
"One of these every day should fix you up in a week."
A week passed, and the lady returned.
She says angrily," I thought the pill was supposed to cure me, but it just made it smell horribly!"
The doctor, surprisingly happy with the result, says, "All right, lets move onto your ears then."

A woman put an ad in on Craigslist

"Want: a man who won't run around on me, a man who won't a**... me, and a man who is great in bed. Please apply in person."
She submitted it and waited a few weeks, but no one came to apply.
Finally, the door bell ran one morning. She went to answer the doorbell and there was a man in a wheelchair who had no arms or legs.
"Please tell me you aren't here from the craigslist ad."
He responded, "Well of course I am! I haven't got any arms so I can't a**... you."
"Well yes, that's true."
"I'm missing legs so I can't run around on you."
Chuckling she added, "Ok ok. But are you good in bed?"
Smirking he said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island

Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.
After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have s**... with her every other day so that everyones s**... drive could be fulfilled.
The Woman agrees and they have a great year together. However, shortly after the 14th Month of being stranded, the woman dies.
The first week is tough for the men, but they try to boost eachothers morale.
The second week is almost unbearable.
The third week makes them feel so bad they want to die.
In the fourth week they finally decide that they should bury her corpse.