finally Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious finally stories

What are the best Finally puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Finally? Well here is a complete list of Finally to have fun with:

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

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I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

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Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

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No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

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A couple goes to a sex therapist..

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

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My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

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my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

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Man in ecstasy

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*

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Psychologist at a bar.

A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"


She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.


Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.

After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,

"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"

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A blonde woman was speeding...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

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Middle age texting

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

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So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."


Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

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Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

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I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

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Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married.

Or settle down with a couple of kids.

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A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

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A very christian woman

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they have 17 children over the course of 22 years. The woman's second husband dies of old age.

The woman herself dies a few years later. At her funeral, her sister remarks, "Well, at least they're finally together."

"Who? She and her husbands?" asks the pastor.

"No," says the sister. "Her legs."

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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle...

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'


He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why???


Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

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Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.


What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

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Latvian man die and go to hell

Latvian man die and go to hell.

Once there, devil punish. He say: Man, go burn in lake of fire.

But man is warm. Man is happy.

So devil make lake even hotter. But man now warmer. Now he is even more happy.

Devil get angry. So freeze fire lake into ice lake. Now lake is colder than coldest Latvian winter. But Latvia man now most happy!
He say, "Devil! Hell is freeze over! Latvia is finally happiest country!"

But is not true. Is only story. Also, man not in hell, only Latvia.

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nsfw Wife's New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

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adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."

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The old man and his 3 wives

An old man at a bar tells the bartender, "I've had three wives but no luck. Unfortunately for me, all of my wives have passed away."

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry to hear that....how did your first wife die?"

"She ate poisonous mushrooms." Said the man.

The bartender gives his condolences then askes, "What about your second wife?"

The man again says, "She ate poisonous mushrooms."

The bartender questions asking the man about the third wife..."did the third wife eat poisonous mushrooms as well?" He finally asks.

"No, she was actually strangled to death." The old man said in response.

"Oh my gosh, why?!?" The bartender questioned in amazement.

"Because she wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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Blonde and Golf Balls

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"

The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."

The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"

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A man buys a parrot...

And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.

In a rage, he finally throws the bird in the freezer and closes the door. The bird squawks once, then goes very quiet. The man waits a minute, then opens the door. The bird looks sorry, so he puts it back in the cage.

"I'm terribly sorry for my earlier behavior, I assure you that I won't be speaking as such anymore," the bird apologizes. "On a related note, what did the chicken do?"

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A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

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A man takes his dog to the vet...

He says to the vet
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, 'let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

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A ventriloquist is in the middle of his act...

and is in the part of his routine where he riffs off a bunch of blonde jokes, one after the other. A blonde woman in the front row is getting upset, and finally says, "I'll have you know, just because a woman is blonde doesn't mean she is dumb. There are plenty of highly intelligent, successful blonde women in the world. I should know, because I'm one of them. "

The ventriloquist says, "Hey lady, don't get upset. It's just harmless jokes. "

The blond replies, "You butt out of it, I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap. "

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Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

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A young gay man...

decides to finally reveal his sexual lifestyle to his mother. He sits her down at the dinner table and tells her everything.

Mom sits quietly for a time, and then looks him dead in the eye and asks: "Does this mean you let another man put his penis in your mouth?"

A little unsettled by such a direct question, he stammers; "Uh, well, yes. Yes I do."

She waggles a finger at him and says "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

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A truck driver pulls up to a rest stop to grab a quick meal

A big gang of bikers come in after him. They start to screw with the truck driver, throw food on him, etc, trying to start a fight or something. However the trucker doesn't fight back or say anything at all really. Finally he gets up, pays his bill, and leaves.

After he is gone the leader of the gang says to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"

The waitress takes a look out the window and says "Well he isn't much of a truck driver either, he just ran over seventeen motorcycles!"

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The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

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Freudian Slip

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh." Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus. Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life you terrible fucking bitch."

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So I finally got a housekeeper, it's my ex-wife.

She kept the house.

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3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they torture him, they cant get any information out of him.

the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"

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Dramatic Arts

Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by;He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says:
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing!"

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A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

You have the right to remain silent he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

Why, you see, I'm just happy to finally have a right!

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Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend

Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we
are married I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong ?"

There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.

"Ex-wife !" she screams,
"I didn't know you were married before !"

"I wasn't !"

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Before and After Marriage

**Before Marriage:**

Her: Hey!

Him: Finally, I have been waiting for so long..

Her: Do you want me to leave?

Him: No, I wouldn't even dare think about that

Her: Do you love me?

Him: Ofcourse, a lot!

Her: Did you ever cheat on me?

Him: NO, why would you ask me that?

Her: Do you want to kiss me?

Him: Every time I get the chance!

Her: Will you ever hit me?

Him: No, I'm not that kind of a person.

Her: Can I trust you?

Him: Yes

Her: Darling

**After Marriage: Read the joke from the bottom to the top**

^^This ^^joke ^^translated ^^worse ^^than ^^I ^^had ^^hoped..

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Jack Off...

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they should lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.

One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.

Manager, "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."

Jane, "Well, jack-off. I've got a headache."

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Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captured by the KGB

The KGB grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything.

Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can't take the pain any more and tells them what they want to know.

The KGB finally comes for the Italian. The Englishman and the Frenchman wait for hours, wondering what has become of their friend. Finally, 12 hours later, the KGB dump a badly beaten Italian back in the cell. The Frenchman and Englishman both help him up, and ask him, "Why didn't you tell them, how did you hold out so long?"

The Italian replies, "I tried to tell them, I really did, but they wouldn't untie my hands!"

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A girl brings her fiance home to meet her father..

... and the father asks him, "so what are your plans in life." The suitor responds, "well, I'm interested in pursuing a degree in theology." The father then asks, "well, what do you plan to do for a living with only a theology degree?" The suitor, without a missed beat responds with "well, god will provide." The father then asks, "where will you two live?!" Again, the suitor responds with, "god will surely provide." Finally the father asks him, "have you made any long term plans at all?" He replies, "no, but as I've stated, I'm sure god will provide." The dinner eventually concludes, and both the daughter and the suitor leave her parents house. When a moment of quiet catches the mother, she softly asks her husband what he thought of the suitor. He pauses for a second, and replies -- "well, he's broke, and fairly stupid, but on the other hand he thinks I'm god."

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A young blonde comes home from school

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best finally jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty finally gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these finally jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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