filling Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious filling puns

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Some people say filling animals with helium is wrong

but i say, whatever floats your goat

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two blondes were walking through the park digging holes and filling them up again.

One of them would dig the holes, and the other would fill them up. One man couldn't control his curiosity and asked the blondes why they were digging and filling holes pointlessly, to which one replied:

"Well, there was supposed to be another one of us planting saplings before we fill the holes, but she couldn't come so we'll have to make do without her."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.

"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".

credits to u/Mr-Everest

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A nun was fired from her job in heaven...

A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man on fire

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam,

it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

People tell me filling animals with helium is bad..

But i say whatever floats your goat.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is with his wife who's filling up their flat tire with air...

"Since when do you need to pay to fill up a tire?" says the wife.


"I don't know," replies the husband. "But I'm sure it has something to do with inflation."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine...

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came on just as I was filling the can

πŸ‘πŸΌ

At Indian Restaurant

"Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!"
"Samosa?"
"No, thank you, I'm full now."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I didn't find the food in Budapest very filling,

so I left Hungary.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is waiting for a bus, when he sees a blonde across the street digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing?"
"We're working" the first blonde replies.
"Just the two of you?" He inquires.
"Well" the second blonde chimes in, "there's usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bartering with Beer

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Beer

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got really emotional at the petrol station earlier.

I don't know what came over me, I just started filling up.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.

The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.

I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boots. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought...

"A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Retired

My friends that still work ask me frequently what I do every day, now that I'm retired. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and entered a shop; I wasn't there for even five minutes.

When I exited, a cop was filling out a ticket for double-parking. I quickly approached him and said, "Wow, officer! I didn't spend more than five minutes in the store! God would reward you if you made a kind gesture toward an old, retired man, such as myself." He completely ignored me and continued filling out the ticket.

The truth is, I went a little overboard, so I apologized. The cop looked at me coldly and started to fill out a second ticket, saying that besides being double-parked, my license plate was crooked. I then raised my voice and called him every name in the book. He finished the second ticket and placed it under the windshield wiper.

I didn't desist, and continued to insult him with all I had. To every insult, he smiled vengefully and filled out yet another ticket. After the fifteenth infraction, I told him, "I'm afraid I must leave you, officer - my bus has arrived!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bartering Australian style

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[maybe NSFW] How can you tell that a porn star works at your local gas station?

Right before he's done filling the tank he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the trunk of your car.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Nancy was in the garden.

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde is watching a ventriloquist perform at a bar...

...and the ventriloquist, with his dummy, is telling blonde joke after blonde joke, filling the bar with laughter. After several of these jokes, the blonde stands up, infuriated, and yells, "Listen here, jackass. Not all blondes are stupid and the jokes need to stop, it is a very cheap way to get laughs."

Stunned, the ventriloquist timidly begins to apologize, "Ma'am, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was offending anyone."

The blonde replies, "Stay out of this, sir. I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There were two fellas working for the town council one day, walking through the park.

One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill it in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you're putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we're a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Are you circumcised?

A man walks into the Election office in Manchester and says to the Receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an independent candidate".

Receptionist: "Certainly sir, no problem. Please fill in this Form".

He was filling the Form until he came to the question: ''Are you circumcised?"

So he asked the Receptionist: "Is that question necessary?"

Receptionist:
"If you are circumcised you are not eligible".

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

Receptionist: "To become a genuine politician, you have to be a complete prick".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

God comes and talks to Noah while he is building the Ark...

He says :"Noah, Hear my will. I have decided what I wish to fill the first storey of the ark with"

"Of course my lord, what is it you wish?"

"I wish for you to fill it with carp!"

Noah is confused, he says "But my lord, carp can swi-

"**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH**"

"Well okay, what do you wish for the second storey?"

"I have given this some thought...and I wish it to be filled with carp!"

"But my lord..the first sto-"

"**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH!**"

Noah sighs "I know this is probably pointless asking, but what do you wish for the third storey?"

"Well Noah, that shall also be filled with carp"

Noah begins to get frustrated, he says "I do not mean to question you lord, but we could do so much with this space!. I have to ask, why are you filling it all with carp?!"

God Looks to him and says "Well Noah, I've always wanted to be the owner of a three storey Carpark"


πŸ‘πŸΌ

Does anyone else love thick sandwiches with three slices of bread and two layers of filling?

We should make a club.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Elderly couple is driving down the road and get pulled over.

The officer says "sir. You were doing 65 in a 45".
Old lady in the passenger seat says "What did he say?"
Man says "he said I was speeding"
Officer says "I'm gonna have to issue you a citation."
Old lady, "what did he say?"
Man "he's giving me a ticket"
As the officer is filling out his paperwork he notices the couple is from Cornhusker, Iowa. Officer says "I've been there. Worst piece of ass I ever had, I got there."
Old lady, "what did he say?"

Old man "He thinks he knows you."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Our local gravedigger recently became very ill...

I'm filling in for him.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Police Shooting

A lady was filling up the gas tank in her car and lit a cigarette to pass the time. After which a piece of ash fell onto her arm and started a fire. As she's flailing about trying to put the fire out, a police cruiser pulls into the station. Instinctively, she starts running towards the officer in an effort to get help. The police officer sees the lady running at him and shoots her, killing her

I guess you shouldn't run towards police officers if you have a firearm

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I'm an asshole stretcher."

The cop pauses in his writing for a sec, dumbfounded. Then asks, "What exactly does that involve?"

"Oh, it's simple," the driver replies, "First you insert a finger, eventually you can get two fingers in, then a fist. After that you can work both hands in and really start stretching it out. After it gets big enough, you can work you feet in there and keep stretching until it's about six feet."

"Six feet?" The cop asks, "What do you do with a six foot asshole?"

"Usually," the guy says, "you give him a radar gun a park him at the end of a bridge."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man went to water his garden...

He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.

Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Filling jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Filling? Well, here are the best Filling dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Filling pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes