Fill Me Up Jokes
114 fill me up jokes and hilarious fill me up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fill me up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Fill Me Up Short Jokes
Short fill me up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fill me up humour may include short jokes also.
- My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. I know he means well.
- I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
- My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..." I know he means well...
- The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision I can just see it now.
- My coworker just found out she won't be able to attend next week's Innuendo Conference… I guess I'll have to fill her slot instead.
- Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong... I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.
- Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub." Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"
- Had to stop at the gas station to fill my tires… They raised the price to $1.50. I just can't believe the cost of inflation these days.
- Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians... They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.
- I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.
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Fill Me Up One Liners
Which fill me up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fill me up? I can suggest the ones about and .
- How do you jump higher on a water bed? You fill it with spring water.
- What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car? Expensive Petroleum
- How many ants does it take to fill an apartment Tenants
- How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten-ants
- My dentist is a really mean guy He always hurts my fillings.
- How many ants does it take to fill an apartment building? Ten ants.
- Why did the oreo cookie go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.
- People tell me filling animals with helium is bad.. But i say whatever floats your goat.
- I didn't find the food in Budapest very filling, so I left Hungary.
- I filled my inflatable girlfriend up with helium... and now she's playing hard to get!!!
- How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage? A lot.
- Did you know? The pool on the Titanic is still filled with water.
- Why do dumplings never tell secrets? They’re good at “keeping their fillings”!
- Why did the dumpling refuse to go on a date? It was “filled” with anxiety!
- TIL the pool on the titanic is still filled with water to this day. Oh wait...
Fill Me Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about fill me up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fill me up pranks.
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.
In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
A question for your doctor
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..
During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?"
Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"
Without missing a beat, the man retorts: "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!"
A drunk is walking around downtown...
When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
There were 2 blondes...
So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".
A man on fire
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
The English and the Scots.
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water....
....she means well
I asked my friend about his time in prison.
"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."
A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
Yo momma so fat, when she wants to take a bath...
She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water.
Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine...
"One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..."
Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer
I replied, "No, I always give 110%"
Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.
I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.
A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father
The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"
I always wondered what the job application is like at h**....
Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
My boyfriend is the best cook
With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad.
You would have such big shoes to fill
2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.
Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"
Man 2: "Yup."
Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."
Man 2: "Cool."
Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"
Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."
If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam,
it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...
She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."
Best son ever
5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
What's the process of applying for a job at h**...?
They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."
In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
An Irish man frees a genie
and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *p**...* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"
Two blondes were walking through the park digging holes and filling them up again.
One of them would dig the holes, and the other would fill them up. One man couldn't control his curiosity and asked the blondes why they were digging and filling holes pointlessly, to which one replied:
"Well, there was supposed to be another one of us planting saplings before we fill the holes, but she couldn't come so we'll have to make do without her."
A blonde...
...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.
I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.
It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.
Balloons For Sale!
They're 10c each or if you want them filled its 20c
Ive adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z...
My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!"
I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"
A nun was fired from her job in heaven...
A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."
Happy father's day!
5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father's day!
A woman asked me what a c**... was
I made sure to fill her in
I saw a woman once
Who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She starts waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead. She was waving an i**... fire arm.
A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.
He then proceded to beat all records.
Ellen jail joke
Ellen DeGeneres coronavirus jail joke - Today, I am filming this in my living room because all the other rooms in my house are filled with toilet paper !
One thing that I've learned from being in quarantine is that people this is like being in jail, is what it is !
It's mostly because I've been wearing the same clothes for 10 days and everyone in here is gay.
An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp
Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?
Whats you father's occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?
My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
Which bible verse does a priest say often to the altar boy?
**Psalm 81:10.**
**....** open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
They told me it was foolish to fill the room with nitrous oxide...
Well, who's laughing now.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath". The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my b**...."
Recently a new supermarket opened nearby
It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more…
Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.
I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"
I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.
"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.
The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go
The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.
Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- Is it strong and durable?
- Yes
- Nobody can climb it?
- Nobody
- And nobody but moscovites inside?
- Yes
- Great! Then fill it up with s**... up to the edges
My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.
I had some pretty big shoes to fill.
My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water
I know she means well.
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Batjoke
Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."
Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
At a corporate party…
The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone
An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…
Thank you for your feedback.
THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"
A woman is walking in a park when she sees two men working.
One man digs a hole, the other fills it back in. The two men go to another spot, the first man digs another hole, and the second man fills it back in. They then go to another spot. Again, the first man digs a hole and the second man fills it back in. They keep doing this for a while until finally the woman walks up to them and asks, "Why do you guys keep digging holes and then filling them back in?"
One of the men responds, "Well, there's usually a third guy who puts in the tree, but he's sick today.
They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts
The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher
I was digging in the woods and found a chest filled with gold coins
I ran back home excitedly to tell my wife the good news.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the woods.
Sweating when filling up? Feel sick when you see prices?
You might be suffering from Car Owner Virus
a joke translated from turkish
Once upon a time there was a pit in a village, people used to wound themselves from falling into the pit. 3 elders of the village unite to a find a solution to this pit.
First one says that we should place an ambulance next to the pit, that way people will get to the hospital faster
Second one says that we should build a hospital next to the pit that way it will be even faster
Before the third one could talk Chad jumps in and says "y'all are idiots why don't we fill this pit up and dig one up next to the hospital.