Filed Divorce Jokes
47 filed divorce jokes and hilarious filed divorce puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about filed divorce that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Filed Divorce Short Jokes
Short filed divorce jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The filed divorce humour may include short filed bankruptcy jokes also.
- Why did the polka musician’s wife file for divorce? She couldn’t handle all the band’s constant “in and out” motions!
- A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason? He replies " me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?".
- My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce. Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?
- why did the wife of the fish and chips fetishist file for divorce? she was sick of being a battered woman
- Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner... She is asking for publicity during this difficult time.
- The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019
- After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change And filed for divorce
- "I gave my husband an empty Boston Cream donut, now he's filing for divorce" "What about your children?" He wants full custardy.
- Divorce My wife wanted to file for divorce. It was clear that she would get the house. So I gave her a cask of Amontillado. She's not going anywhere for a while.
- Santa-Barbara. Santa Barbara. Santa, Barbara... its not a matter of pronounciation
its the reason i filed for divorce on christmas morning.
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Filed Divorce One Liners
Which filed divorce one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with filed divorce? I can suggest the ones about divorce papers and divorce lawyer.
- What do you call a divorce lawyer's file cabinet? The Ex Files
- Why did the janitor file for a divorce? He found his wife sweeping with someone else.
- Why did the Amish woman file for divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy
- What did the dessert do after filing for divorce? She took custardy of the kids.
- Why did Vladimir Putin file for divorce? Because his wife wasn't Putin out.
- A geologist filed for divorce. His marriage has hit rock bottom.
- Why did Chester the Cheetah's wife file for divorce? He cheeto'd on her.
- Why did the farmer's wife file for divorce? She came home to see him plowing with a h**....
Hilarious Filed Divorce Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about filed divorce you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean married divorced jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make filed divorce pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Golden Lawyers
A man and his wife are having marital issues. They fight every day. One day, the wife decides to file for divorce.
The husband was not exactly surprised at the news, but it still shocked him.
He decided to take a walk by the pier at his local beach. There was a pet store nearby. He saw a man enter the store and then exit in possession of a golden rat. Our protagonist was quite bewildered as to why someone would buy a golden rat, of all things.
The strange man let his golden rat run free. Strangely enough, all the local rats took off after the golden one. Unfortunately the goden rat high-tailed it off the pier and into the ocean.
Our protagonist was inspired by mass s**... of rats, so he entered the pet store and asked, "Do you have any golden lawyers?"
Why did the woman file for divorce from her mute husband?
He was guilty of domestic silence.
It was Frank and Diane's 10th wedding anniversary...
...and Diane told Frank that if there wasn't something sitting in the driveway that goes from 0-60 in 3 seconds when she got home from work, she would file for divorce. When Diane arrived home from work, she saw a box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she got out of her car and opened it only to find a scale. Frank has been missing since Friday.
a scallop fell in love with a clam...
and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Divorce
A h**... walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
h**...: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
h**...: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
h**...: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
h**...: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
h**...: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
h**...: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
h**...: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."
I hit the gym today...
Now the gym's filing for divorce and I'm loosing custody of my children
Why did the vacuum salesman's wife file for divorce?
He was always complaining about the lack of
suction.
In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008.
What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?
She will file for divorce.
And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?
He'll have the White House repainted.
Divorce...
A man calls his mom to let her know that he planned to file for divorce from his wife:
"Well that's terrible!", his mom says. "You've only been together a few years. What happened?"
"It didn't work out, Ma."
"Oh, c'mon! There has to be more to it than that!"
"No, that's pretty much it. She just stopped going to the gym."
LeBron's wife has filed for divorce!!
She said it's because he dribbles a little before he shoots.
Trust Issues
A rich polish man leaves his homeland to start over in America and find love.
After a year in the states and building a successful business, he meets a woman who he falls in love with and they get married.
After 2 months of being married and living together the polish man goes to see a divorce attorney.
He tells the attorney he needs to file for divorce out of fear that his wife is trying to steal his money.
The attorney says "Okay, why do you think she is trying to steal your money?"
"She's trying to kill me!"
"Sir, that's a serious accusation! Do you have any proof of this?"
"Well when I was in the bathroom, I opened her drawer and I saw a bottle that said 'Polish Remover'!"
Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage
Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.
A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Tony began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and because she and my wife are identical,
occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"I understand they're identical twins, but surely there must be some difference
between the two women," said the judge.
"Precisely, Your Honor," replied Tony "That's why I want a divorce."
So after two years of marriage, Logic and his wife have filed for a divorce..
Who can relate?
Woo..
My wife of 5 years finally admitted that they hated cats, naturally, I had to file a divorce.
My wife told me I need to change two things this year, or she's filing for divorce.
First - I need to become a better listener.
I don't remember what the second thing was.
Chad wants to divorce his wife.
He files a court case and during the hearing, the judge asks him why.
He respond by saying - she doesn't satisfy me anymore.
The wife quickly replies - Your honor, the entire neighborhood is satisfied with me, he is the only one who's never happy.
After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.
The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"
The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.
9 months later, they had twins.
An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.
They tell him they'd like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
Two women were talking to each other.
Women 1 : So why do you want to file for divorce ?
Women 2 : He treats me like a dog !!
Women 1 : He beats you ?
Women 2 : No , he wants me to stay loyal to him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have recently become known among friends and neighbors for being ruthless....
s**... description for someone whose wife is named Ruth and who has filed for divorce.