Figure Jokes
143 figure jokes and hilarious figure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about figure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Read on to discover the funny side of figure skating, figure of speech, and more! Enjoy funny jokes about trying to figure out puzzles, stick figures, diagrams, and not being able to figure it out. Laugh until you have a will to keep trying to figure everything out!
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Funniest Figure Short Jokes
Short figure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The figure humour may include short figurine jokes also.
- I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
- If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? "Gandhi."
Why him?
"More food for me." - When I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said with a straight face, "uncooked boys." Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
- My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
- Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity... Should've called it "the Father-figure"
- Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life
- After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin 12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth
- I've figured out that the spread of Covid-19 over the past couple years has been due to two factors. 1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is. - My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
- Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle
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Figure One Liners
Which figure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with figure? I can suggest the ones about plot and scene.
- I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me
- They said that my dad was gay. Now I am trying to figure out which one.
- What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.
- I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
- I'm so excited to finally get a dad bod It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
- Love is a lot like algebra... You look at your X and try to figure out Y.
- I've figured out where all the dad jokes are stored. In a dad-a-base.
- Guys, I just figured out how to walk thorough walls! Doors
- Why are North Korean Figure Skaters so good? It's all about the Execution
- Who figured out that 7 ate 9? 4 and 6
- I finally figured out why I look so bad in photos. It's my face.
- Finally figured out why clickbait is so effective
- For five years I simply couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt. then it clicked.
- Have you heard about the incel action figure? It comes in a sock instead of a box.
- How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size? In square feet.
Action Figure Jokes
Here is a list of funny action figure jokes and even better action figure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any arnold schwarzenegger action figures in store... She replied "Aisle B, back".
- Last year I made seven figures. And that's why I got sacked from the action figure factory.
- So I've been trying to sell my Ubermensch Action Figures... But it's difficult to cater to such a Nietszche Market.
- I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota
- Which popular action figure has a farm? GI GI Joe
- Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures? Aisle B, back
- I already used my wishes Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please - My son was playing with miniature models of a court room. He told me they were "class action figures."
- Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true... Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.
- A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer. But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"
Stick Figure Jokes
Here is a list of funny stick figure jokes and even better stick figure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of many It means a lot
- If you want to learn how to draw superheroes start with Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy He's just a fancy stick figure
- Death When a family member unexpectedly dies, what's the proper waiting period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan?
- Why did the stick-figure man's arm keep hitting him in the face? Because it was the punch line.
- Did you hear about the stick figures who didn't understand each other? They were on different pages.
- One stick figure says to the other, just lay down, you'll be OK
- What is a stick figure's dress size? #2
- I figured out why Tim Cook loves dongles so much! It's because he likes long bendy things sticking out of beautiful skinny things!
- A stick figure walks into a bar, and takes five shots. He's dead.
Figure Of Speech Jokes
Here is a list of funny figure of speech jokes and even better figure of speech puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "I don't understand what this statue of a man talking is supposed to mean" "It's confusing, but I think it's a figure of speech."
- What do you call a world renowned linguist? A figure of speech.
- How do you convey body language? With your figure of speech
- Teacher: "Today's class is about figures of speech" student(outside the class): "*may i come inside, ma'am*"
- A "Malaphor" is when you mix two figures of phrase or turns of speech
- "Killed it" is a figure of speech implying someone stopped the banter.
To Chuck Norris that's just the motto of his life. - When Chuck Norris decides he wants to kill some time... it's not a figure of speech.
He actually does it.
Figure Skater Jokes
Here is a list of funny figure skater jokes and even better figure skater puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a rich figure skater? A 7 figure skater
- What did the North Korean coach say to the figure skater before her competition? We expect great execution.
What did the coach say after a poor performance?
We expect great execution. - What is the most difficult thing as a male figure skater Coming out to your parents.
- What can a homeless figure skater do to get by? Turn-tricks
- How could you tell that the figure skater was a mathematician? Because of the Fibonacci sequins.
- Ever heard about the rich ice skater ? He's got an 8 figure job !
Figure Skating Jokes
Here is a list of funny figure skating jokes and even better figure skating puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics? It was dope
- My dad while watching Olympics figure skating: "Ya know what they call that move when they fall?" "...a triple klutz"
- I don't go on and on about how I can't roller skate But apparently the whole world needs to know about how this w**... in the river can't swim.
- What was the best part of the Pyeongchang Olympic figure skating? The Koreagraphy.
Cheerful Fun Figure Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about figure you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean verse jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make figure pranks.
And then there's me...
A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful girl. He said to her, "you're pretty!"
"I know." She said, arrogantly.
"You have a beautiful figure!"
"I know." She said again.
"It must be nice to be born with such beautiful features!" He said.
"It is." she replied.
"And then there's me, I was born a liar." He said, before promptly leaving the bar.
The police finally catch a notorious criminal,
so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.
Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."
I bought a vacant piece of land recently, and every night someone keeps depositing soil on the land. I still can't figure out who it is.
The plot thickens.
A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss
100 camels
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get back home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were two men who, between them, knew everything.
One says to the other, "You know, between the two of us, we know everything there is to know." The second says "Really? How do you figure that?" And the first says "Well, you know everything except that you're a d**... idiot, and I know that."
British clock in german hands
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
A blonde calls her boyfriend...
One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.
"Hey Babe!"
"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."
The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor.
He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.
Guy is looking for a new secretary...
Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?
Literary position.
Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."
Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....
"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.
Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"
"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."
Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."
A man asked me if I could figure out how to operate a camera...
I told him I'd look into it and give it my best shot.
What is College Feminism?
What is college feminism?
10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship?
It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.
A mathematician goes into an insane asylum
He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.
A man got lost on a camping trip
A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
A man and his wife built a boat...
They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately.
They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*.
"We're really not very good at this," the man said in disgust. "How do boats even work?"
"I don't know, but we'll figure it out," replied his wife. "We need an *ELI5*."
An Indian man is at home...
An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid.
"Just as I thought." He says.
"A Naan-Newtonian Fluid."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a priest...
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
I'm so proud of my son
I asked him what the sound of one hand clapping is. He said "dunno" and walked off to his room, but I can hear him trying to figure it out.
A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though
I'll figure out what procrastination means later
I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.
Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are women and children evacuated first?
So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.
Two young boys go to a store
They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."
Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out
What's the net worth?
In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.
As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"
Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.
I was trying the figure out how lightning works.
Then it struck me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was trying to come up with a good s**... joke...
But I couldn't figure out how to end it
A priest and a bus driver stand outside the gates of heaven.
God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.
Do not shampoo in the shower
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues
His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.
Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set
His password is ParisLondonMickeyMouse
Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyways.
The grandfather simply replies: It wanted two capitals and a character .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... died.
When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and t**.... In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.
"Where am I and who am I?"
The figure replied,"h**... h**...".
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.
So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
(I'll see myself out.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be s**...! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...
...they'd even know my birth year!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President s**...."
Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the u**... is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability
Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
Why do archaeologists collect used tampons?
They like to figure out what period they came from..
I was going to post a joke I have seen here before, ...
But I figure you guys already Reddit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got fired from the s**... bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?
I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.
An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.
The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."
That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"
He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bra Sazes
Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? Well its time you became informed!
(A) Almost b**....
(B) Barely there.
(C) Can't Complain!
(D) Dang!
(DD) Double Dang!
(E) Enormous!
(F) Fake.
(G) Get a Reduction.
(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!!
Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire
It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat
A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...
Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.
Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...
Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.
Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting p**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn't.
She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your t**..., I suspect you've been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?
I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, I have a lot of secs!
I still can't figure out why she walked out.
I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from
Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period
I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...
Then it hit me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Parachutists
Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.
One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.
The guy with the defective c**... was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.
The other guy with the good c**... said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?
The guy with the unopened c**... said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up....
He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he replies, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You keep washing your hands, so I figure you're used to it ..." They go on and have s**... and then afterward she says, "You know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist." "Oh? How can you tell?" he asks. "Well, I didn't feel a thing..."
I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.
Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.
My wife and I decided we only want one kid.
Now we just need to figure out a way to let the other one know she has to go.
If you're trying to figure out what rocket scientists do on their day off
It's not rocket science
I could never figure out why birthday cake gave me heartburn.
Apparently you're supposed to blow out and remove the candles first.
Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people
I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.
Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. Hey! Who are you? , he yelled.
Well, I'm the foe.
Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital
Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.
Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"
One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.
Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.
Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.
"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.
"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."
I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT
I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.
He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.
A joke my girlfriend told me
Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance
"See that over there? What is that?" Says the first crow
The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it"
"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?" Replies the first crow
"Look at it's hand. No cellphone" says the second crow
A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?
Let's just let bigons be bigons.
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
