Figure Jokes

148 figure jokes and hilarious figure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about figure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Read on to discover the funny side of figure skating, figure of speech, and more! Enjoy funny jokes about trying to figure out puzzles, stick figures, diagrams, and not being able to figure it out. Laugh until you have a will to keep trying to figure everything out!

Funniest Figure Short Jokes

Short figure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The figure humour may include short figurine jokes also.

  1. I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
  2. If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? "Gandhi."
    Why him?
    "More food for me."
  3. When I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said with a straight face, "uncooked boys." Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
  4. My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
  5. Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity... Should've called it "the Father-figure"
  6. Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life
  7. After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin 12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth
  8. An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
  9. I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant?? Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.
  10. I've figured out that the spread of Covid-19 over the past couple years has been due to two factors. 1. How dense the population is.
    2. How dense the population is.

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Figure One Liners

Which figure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with figure? I can suggest the ones about plot and scene.

  1. I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me
  2. They said that my dad was gay. Now I am trying to figure out which one.
  3. What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.
  4. I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
  5. I'm so excited to finally get a dad bod It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
  6. Love is a lot like algebra... You look at your X and try to figure out Y.
  7. I've figured out where all the dad jokes are stored. In a dad-a-base.
  8. Guys, I just figured out how to walk thorough walls! Doors
  9. Why are North Korean Figure Skaters so good? It's all about the Execution
  10. Who figured out that 7 ate 9? 4 and 6
  11. I finally figured out why I look so bad in photos. It's my face.
  12. Finally figured out why clickbait is so effective
  13. Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.
  14. For five years I simply couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt. then it clicked.
  15. Have you heard about the incel action figure? It comes in a sock instead of a box.

Action Figure Jokes

Here is a list of funny action figure jokes and even better action figure puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any arnold schwarzenegger action figures in store... She replied "Aisle B, back".
  • Last year I made seven figures. And that's why I got sacked from the action figure factory.
  • So I've been trying to sell my Ubermensch Action Figures... But it's difficult to cater to such a Nietszche Market.
  • I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota
  • Which popular action figure has a farm? GI GI Joe
  • Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures? Aisle B, back
  • I already used my wishes Me: please just one more wish
    Genie: no, I said 3
    Me: please
    Genie: no
    Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
  • My son was playing with miniature models of a court room. He told me they were "class action figures."
  • Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true... Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.
  • A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer. But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

Stick Figure Jokes

Here is a list of funny stick figure jokes and even better stick figure puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of many It means a lot
  • If you want to learn how to draw superheroes start with Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy He's just a fancy stick figure
  • Death When a family member unexpectedly dies, what's the proper waiting period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan?
  • Why did the stick-figure man's arm keep hitting him in the face? Because it was the punch line.
  • I finally figured out why your sister is not a ballet dancer... Because every time she does a split, she sticks to the floor.
  • Did you hear about the stick figures who didn't understand each other? They were on different pages.
  • One stick figure says to the other, just lay down, you'll be OK
  • What is a stick figure's dress size? #2
  • I figured out why Tim Cook loves dongles so much! It's because he likes long bendy things sticking out of beautiful skinny things!
  • A stick figure walks into a bar, and takes five shots. He's dead.
Figure joke, A stick figure walks into a bar, and takes five shots.

Figure Of Speech Jokes

Here is a list of funny figure of speech jokes and even better figure of speech puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "I don't understand what this statue of a man talking is supposed to mean" "It's confusing, but I think it's a figure of speech."
  • What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech? Someone who takes everything literally
  • What do you call a world renowned linguist? A figure of speech.
  • How do you convey body language? With your figure of speech
  • You know your girlfriend is dumb when you have to explain That "blow" is just a figure of speech.
  • Teacher: "Today's class is about figures of speech" student(outside the class): "*may i come inside, ma'am*"
  • A "Malaphor" is when you mix two figures of phrase or turns of speech
  • "Killed it" is a figure of speech implying someone stopped the banter.
    To Chuck Norris that's just the motto of his life.
  • When Chuck Norris decides he wants to kill some time... it's not a figure of speech.
    He actually does it.
  • s**..., honey, s**... - \- blow is just a figure of speech!

Figure Skater Jokes

Here is a list of funny figure skater jokes and even better figure skater puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why isn't the Russian army as strong as expected? Because they wasted all their steroids on figure skaters a month ago.
  • What do you call a rich figure skater? A 7 figure skater
  • What did the North Korean coach say to the figure skater before her competition? We expect great execution.
    What did the coach say after a poor performance?
    We expect great execution.
  • What is the most difficult thing as a male figure skater Coming out to your parents.
  • What can a homeless figure skater do to get by? Turn-tricks
  • How could you tell that the figure skater was a mathematician? Because of the Fibonacci sequins.
  • Ever heard about the rich ice skater ? He's got an 8 figure job !
  • Former figure skater Michelle Kwan was caught by paparazzi, who took an unfortunate down-blouse pic. Nevertheless, it's a perfect example of both quality and Kwan t**....

Figure Skating Jokes

Here is a list of funny figure skating jokes and even better figure skating puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics? It was dope
  • My dad while watching Olympics figure skating: "Ya know what they call that move when they fall?" "...a triple klutz"
  • What do you call a roller skate that can't figure out what to do? A skateboard
  • What was the best part of the Pyeongchang Olympic figure skating? The Koreagraphy.
Figure joke, What was the best part of the Pyeongchang Olympic figure skating?

Cheerful Fun Figure Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about figure you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean faces jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make figure pranks.

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

I hate when black people mistakenly think I'm racist

Today, a black guy was holding hands with his white girlfriend in the airport and got upset because he caught me looking at him suspiciously. I wish I could explain to him that I was only trying to figure out if he was in the NBA or not.

And then there's me...

A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful girl. He said to her, "you're pretty!"
"I know." She said, arrogantly.
"You have a beautiful figure!"
"I know." She said again.
"It must be nice to be born with such beautiful features!" He said.
"It is." she replied.
"And then there's me, I was born a liar." He said, before promptly leaving the bar.

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.
Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.

"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss

100 camels

A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get back home.

Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

There were two men who, between them, knew everything.

One says to the other, "You know, between the two of us, we know everything there is to know." The second says "Really? How do you figure that?" And the first says "Well, you know everything except that you're a d**... idiot, and I know that."

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."
"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."
"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.
"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

Guy is looking for a new secretary...

Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?

Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....

"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.
Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"
"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."
Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."

A man asked me if I could figure out how to operate a camera...

I told him I'd look into it and give it my best shot.

What is College Feminism?

What is college feminism?
10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers

You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship?

It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.

A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

A man got lost on a camping trip

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.

A man and his wife built a boat...

They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately.
They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*.
"We're really not very good at this," the man said in disgust. "How do boats even work?"
"I don't know, but we'll figure it out," replied his wife. "We need an *ELI5*."

I was up late last night, trying to figure out why the sun disappeared

Then it dawned on me....

An Indian man is at home...

An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid.
"Just as I thought." He says.
"A Naan-Newtonian Fluid."

A rabbi and a priest...

take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "

I'm so proud of my son

I asked him what the sound of one hand clapping is. He said "dunno" and walked off to his room, but I can hear him trying to figure it out.

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out

What's the net worth?

In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"
Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

I was trying to come up with a good s**... joke...

But I couldn't figure out how to end it

A priest and a bus driver stand outside the gates of heaven.

God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues

His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.
Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set
His password is ParisLondonMickeyMouse
Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyways.
The grandfather simply replies: It wanted two capitals and a character .

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
(I'll see myself out.)

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be s**...! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

I was going to post a joke I have seen here before, ...

But I figure you guys already Reddit.

I got fired from the s**... bank

I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I've just gotta figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."
That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"
He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, Figure it out yourselves.

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.
Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...
Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.
Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting p**....

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn't.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your t**..., I suspect you've been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?
I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, I have a lot of secs!
I still can't figure out why she walked out.

I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

Two Parachutists

Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.
One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.
The guy with the defective c**... was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.
The other guy with the good c**... said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?
The guy with the unopened c**... said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .

A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up....

He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he replies, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You keep washing your hands, so I figure you're used to it ..." They go on and have s**... and then afterward she says, "You know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist." "Oh? How can you tell?" he asks. "Well, I didn't feel a thing..."

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"
St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."
The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?"
St. Peter responds, "We added up your client billing time sheets."

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

My wife and I decided we only want one kid.

Now we just need to figure out a way to let the other one know she has to go.

I could never figure out why birthday cake gave me heartburn.

Apparently you're supposed to blow out and remove the candles first.

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.
Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"
One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.
Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.
Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.
"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.
"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.
He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

A joke my girlfriend told me

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance
"See that over there? What is that?" Says the first crow
The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it"
"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?" Replies the first crow
"Look at it's hand. No cellphone" says the second crow

A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?

Let's just let bigons be bigons.

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

Figure joke, Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

jokes about figure