fighting Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious fighting stories

What are the best Fighting puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Fighting? Well here is a complete list of Fighting dad jokes:

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

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Who is this Rorschach guy???

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

-Rob DenBleyker

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A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read in the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: \- "But I am not a New Yorker!"
\- "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl."
\- "But I am not an American!" says the man.
\- "Oh, where are you from then?"
\- "I am from Iraq".

So the next day newspapers reads "Dangerous Islamic terrorist kills innocent American dog in front of a little girl".

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Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

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What do you call an illegal immigrant and a catholic priest fighting?

Alien VS Predator

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What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive)

Alien vs. Predator

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Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he have so many pictures of my parents fighting?

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A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.

"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.

The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

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A knight and his men return to their castle...

...after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

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My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

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"How'd the session go with your new therapist?"

"It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."

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I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

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two ants are fighting on a toilet seat

One of them gets pissed off.

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What does Spiderman do when he's not fighting crime?

Web Development.

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My favorite Pirate joke my dad always tells

A young pirate is talking to an older pirate and he says, "wow how did you lose your hand?" pointing at the pirates hook.

"Arrr me young lad twas fighting off some scurvy attackers trying to take me ship and in the sword fight I got me hand cut off."


"Well how did you lose your leg?" he asked pointing at the wooden leg.

"Arr me young lad was cooling my feet off in the ocean one fine sunny day and a shark came and bit me leg off!"

"Well how did you lose your eye?" the young pirate asked, pointing at the eye patch.

"Arrr me young lad, twas lying on a beach sunning me self when a bird flew over me and shit in me eye!!"

The young pirate asked, "how do you lose an eye from bird shit?"


















"Arrr me young lad twas the first day with me hook!"

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So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

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A husband and wife are fighting. The wife says "You've got the smallest penis I've ever seen!"

The husband shoots back "Then we're a perfect fit for each other, cause you're a shallow cunt!"

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My girlfriend and I were fighting in the car

We glared at eachother and I thought neither of us would back down, but in the end we struck an Accord.

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Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

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It's so hot

I just saw two trees fighting over a dog.

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A boy calls 911.

911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help!

911 asks, "What's the emergency?"

The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!"

911 responds, "Is that a problem?"

The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"

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A old saying.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

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A guy calls 911

Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Guy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Guy: The ugly one is winning.

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He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

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My favorite "clean" Jewish jokes

* Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
* A. A canoe will eventually tip

* Q. What does a Jewish pedophile say?
* A. Hey kid want to buy some candy?

* Q. A Jew with an erection walks into a wall, what happens?
* A. Breaks his nose

* Q. How was copper wire invented?
* A. Two Jews fighting over a penny

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Not sure my son understands Football

I took my six year old son to his first football game over the weekend. On our way out I asked him what he thought of the game.

"It was exciting," my son said. "But I don't understand why they fighting so much over twenty-five cents."

"What do you mean?" I asked my son a little confused myself.

"Well," he started to say, "everyone kept yelling 'get the quarter back!'"

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how was copper wire invented....

two jews fighting over a penny

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So I saw these two guys fighting with a woman over her purse.

Being my first time in downtown New York, I didn't know if I should help out or intervene. Reluctantly I decided to lend a hand. Between the three of us, it didn't take us long to get the purse away from her.
~Garrison Keillor

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Fighting childhood obesity....

....is as easy as taking candy from a baby.

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How was the copper wire invented?

Two Jews were fighting over a penny.

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A bear and a rabbit are fighting in the woods.

Along comes the magical turtle of the forrest and says to them "if you two stop fighting I will grant you each 3 wishes." As to both bear and rabbit agree. First wish the bear says "I wish all the bears in this forrest except for me to be female" the rabbit without even hesitating says "I want a bike!". The bear looks at him in shock trying not to yell at him fpr such a stupid wish. Second wish the bear goes "I want all the bears in this forrest and the next forrest other than me to be female" the rabbit starts laughing and says "I want a bike!". Bear gets mad again at the bad wish rabbit ignores him. Third wish bear goes "I want all the bears in the world other than me to be female" at this point the rabbit is in tears from laughing, he puts on his helmet gets on his bike and as hes driving away he yells "I wish the bear was gay!"

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I go to the Jim every morning

Are you thin? Are you overweight? Are you fighting the battle of the bulge? Do you have a sedentary lifestyle? Are you plain lazy? Do you have someone or the other always telling you to go to the gym?

Here's something for you...

"Instead of calling my bathroom the John, I call it the Jim.
That way it sounds a lot better when I tell people I go to the Jim first thing every morning :-)"

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What happens when Batman is fighting Harley Quinn?

The dark knight rises.

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my marrige is just like my time in prison

nothing but fucking and fighting, Im just kidding I never fought in prison.

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A boy walks into confession . . .

Thinking it a big joke, he decides to be clever.

"Hypothetically, Father, what would I get for swearing?"

"Well, my child, hypothetically you would get five Hail Marys and five Our Fathers."

"Okay. What would I get for fighting, Father?"

"For fighting, my child, you would get ten Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers."

"Hmm. Father, what would I get for stealing?"

"That is a very serious sin, my child. For stealing, you would get twenty five Hail Marys and twenty five Our Fathers."

The boy pauses a moment, trying to imagine the worst sin he can think of.

"Okay Father, what would I get for giving a blowjob?"

"Well, my child, *hypothetically* you would get a can of pop and a bag of chips."

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Want to know how copper wire was invented?

Two jews fighting over a penny.

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A joke about sword fighting

I thought I invented a joke about sword fighting, but turns out it's just a riposte.

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Why don't the blondes like football?

A blonde went to the Super Bowl and someone asked her afterwards how she liked it. She said she enjoyed many aspects of the experience, but she didn't understand why all the players were fighting so hard over 25 cents. She was asked what she meant. She said, "Well, before the game, they flipped a quarter and one team started out with it. For the rest of the game, they kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back.' Hellooooo?! It's only 25 cents, people."

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In the vein of today's Star Wars announcement, a topical joke

In a deleted scene from Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke: "Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you're getting for Christmas!"

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously: "How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas?"

Darth Vader: "Because I've felt your presents..."

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Could be taken as racist, or insecure (maybe both)

What do you call a immigrant fighting a rapist. "Alien versus predator"

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Old..but Gold..

A boy's parents are fighting and the mom calls the dad a Bastard and the dad calls the mom a Bitch. The kid asks them what it means and they say Ladies and Gentlemen.
That night the son walks in on his parents having angry sex.
The dad say "feel my dick" and the mom says "suck my titties"
The son asks "what does that mean" and the parents say Hats and Coats.

The next day the dad is shaving and cuts himself so he screams "shit!" and the kid asks what it meas and the dad says its a brand of shaving cream.

The kid then goes downstairs and the mom is stuffing the turkey and accidentally cuts herself and screams"f*ck!"

When the guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner the kid answers the door and says.

"Alright you Bitches and Bastards, hang your Dicks and Titties in the closet, Dad's upstairs wiping the Shit off his face and Mom's in the kitchen Fucking the turkey!"

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Cajun Cock Fight

The Sheriff down in Layfayette called Thibodeaux into his office.

"We have reports of an illegal cock fighting ring here in Jefferson Parrish, go down there tonight and see what's going on." Said the Sheriff

So that evening Thibodeaux put on his street clothes and headed out to the location. He watched and took careful notes.

The next morning he reported back to the Sheriff.

"Deys three groups involved in the cock fights. De Texas Aggies. De cajuns, and de mafia," said Thibodeaux proudly.

"We have been trying to crack this thing for 3 months. How did you figure it out in one night?" Exclaimed the Sheriff.

"Well, it's simple really. I knew dem Aggies wuz involved when someone entered a duck into a cock fight. I knew de Cajuns wuz involved when someone bet on de duck. I knew de mafia was involved when de duck won."

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What's the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Charlie Sheen?

Charlie Sheen's winning.

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I was walking down the street earlier and saw two kids fighting

As an adult I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.

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The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

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Did you hear about the baker that died fighting to save his business?

They say he went out "buns-a-glazing"

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Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

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another little johnny joke

one evening little johnny and little johnnys little brother were at home play fighting when their mother came into the room.
she said "now boys, what would you like me to make you for dinner?"
little johnny piped up, "i want some fucking pork chops".
little johnnys mothers face turned red and she raised her hand at little johnny and smacked him across the cheek and yelled "little johnny go to your room! there will be none of that language in this house, and you will not be eating any dinner tonight!"
little johnny sauntered upstairs and went to his room crying.
after letting herself calm down, little johnnys mother looked at little johnnys little brother and politely said "im sorry that you had to see that, now what would you like me to make you for dinner tonight?"
to which he replied "i sure dont want any fucking porkchops"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best fighting jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about fighting. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty fighting gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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