Fighting Jokes

What are some Fighting jokes?

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

I googled "Rorschach Test"

But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting

I saw two blind men fighting

And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

Who is this Rorschach guy???

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

-Rob DenBleyker

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

What do you call an illegal immigrant and a catholic priest fighting?

Alien VS Predator

I had an idea for a fighting game..

But turns out, it was tekken

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive)

Alien vs. Predator

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting


They run away from each other

Today I saw two blind people fighting...

Today I saw two blind people fighting... Then I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with a knife!" They both ran away.

Saw two blind people fighting today.

I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

Why is wrestling stupid??

It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

A boy calls 9-11.

"9-11 what is your emergency?"

The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."

"Well who's your father?"

"Well that's what they're fighting about."

A knight and his men return to their castle...

...after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Why doesn't Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?

Because of Mayweather

In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs

In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

"How'd the session go with your new therapist?"

"It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."

So, I googled the Rorschach test the other day..

All I could find were pictures of my parents fighting..

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, Just let the ugly one have it!

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

What do you call two pencils fighting?

A grafight.

Wrestling is stupid

Men without pants fighting over a belt.

What does Spiderman do when he's not fighting crime?

Web Development.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

A Scotsman is walking down the street when he spots two guys fighting. Without a second thought, he marches over to them, splits them apart and says...

"Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?"

Knight vs dragon

A knight is fighting a dragon. He cuts its head, but the dragon grows two new heads. The knight cuts them, but the dragon grows 4 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 8 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 16 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 32 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 64 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 128 heads. The knight cuts them and the dragon is finally dead.

It was an 8-bit dragon.

My girlfriend was fighting 5 people, so I had to jump in...

There's no way she could take all 6 of us.

A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.

"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.

The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

Today I saw two little kids fighting. As the only adult nearby, I had to step in.

Those kids didn't stand a chance.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley

Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.

People often use fiction to escape into the lives of people who don't have to deal with the same problems as them.

For instance, whenever my parents are fighting, I like to read Batman comics.

Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of?

He'd been unarmed and defeated

Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why does he keep making paintings of my parents fighting?

My girlfriend and I were fighting in the car

We glared at eachother and I thought neither of us would back down, but in the end we struck an Accord.

A little boy came running up to me and said,

Please help, my dad is in a fight.

I followed him and came across two men fighting.

I asked him, Which one's your dad?

He replied, I don't know, that's what they're fighting about.

Why was the cold war such a long period with little fighting?

Because the Russian President was Stalin.

A PS4 fan and an Xbox One fan started fighting! Someone call the ambulance!

*Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii Uο»Ώ*

Why was the physics teacher and the biology teacher always fighting?

They didn't have any chemistry.

I saw two kids fighting on the play ground.

As the only adult there I had to step in. They never had a chance.

An American POW was being held in Germany...

Both of his arms were injured during the fighting and the Nazis amputated one.

"Can you drop my arm over allied territory for my wife?" The soldier asked.

The doctors obliged.
A few days later the other arm became infected and they amputated that one.

"Can you drop it over allied territory for my wife?" He asked again.

The doctors met his second request.

A few weeks later, the soldier's leg got smashed in the work camp and had to be amputated.

"Can you drop my leg over allied territory for my wife?" He asked.

"Nein!" The doctors told him. "We cannot do this any more!"

"Why not?"

"We think you're trying to escape!"

I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture.

I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.

A man and his wife were driving down a country road...

A man and his wife were driving down a country road.
They had previously been fighting with each other so they weren't talking at all.

They continued driving until they passed a field full of cows when the wife said, "Family of yours?"

"Yes" replied the husband, "In-laws."

A married couple were fighting...

...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."

"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"

I never understood that until I saw two midgets fighting in Wal-Mart.

A boy calls 911.

911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help!

911 asks, "What's the emergency?"

The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!"

911 responds, "Is that a problem?"

The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"

What do you do if you see two snails fighting

Nothing, just let them slug it out

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes bang bang

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?


Well come on over, i'll sell you some!

How did copper wire get invented

2 Jews fighting over a penny

Three boys are fighting at the zoo

The zookeeper separates them and says: "Alright, I want each of you to tell me his name and what he's doing here."

The first boy says: "My name is Mitch and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."

The second boy says: "My name is Ali and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."

The third boy says: "My name is Peanuts."

Darth Vader is fighting Luke Skywalker...

Darth Vader says to Luke: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."
Luke: "How could you possibly know?"
Vader: "I felt your presents."

Two little brothers were fighting and arguing...

The first one says: Well, you were adopted!

The second one replied: Well, at least they wanted me!

Fighting Hard

lol cancer is so easy to beat i am already at stage 4

Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

I had a disagreement with my girlfriend while she was pmsing

She:" You better stop fighting. You know what I'm capable of right?"
Me: Yes..bloodshed.

Period jokes are not funny. Period.

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read in the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: \- "But I am not a New Yorker!"
\- "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl."
\- "But I am not an American!" says the man.
\- "Oh, where are you from then?"
\- "I am from Iraq".

So the next day newspapers reads "Dangerous Islamic terrorist kills innocent American dog in front of a little girl".

What type of fighting technique do amputees practice?

Partial arts.

the old man

Some older guy was following me around at a small grocery store, always about 10 feet back. He kept looking at me and sighing. I thought he was some old gay pervert, but I was wrong. He got to the store's single checkout line just before I did. There he turned to me and told me something quite heart wrenching. He said he was sorry for staring, but I looked exactly like his son who had died fighting in Iraq ten years before. He asked if it would be too weird if he could give me a hug and say goodbye as some sort of closure. I though it harmless so agreed. He gave me a hug and said, good bye, son. And then he left the store with his groceries. As I had my few items scanned and went to pay, I was outraged at the total. It was much more than my few items warranted. I asked the cashier to explain the situation, and she said that my father said I was covering his groceries too.

A guy calls 911

Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Guy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Guy: The ugly one is winning.

My favorite "clean" Jewish jokes

* Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
* A. A canoe will eventually tip

* Q. What does a Jewish pedophile say?
* A. Hey kid want to buy some candy?

* Q. A Jew with an erection walks into a wall, what happens?
* A. Breaks his nose

* Q. How was copper wire invented?
* A. Two Jews fighting over a penny

He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

My friend asked me if I thought a girl's shirt looked like a Rorschach test...

I replied, "Where is she? Is she behind the girl wearing a shirt of my parents fighting?"

Bull Fighting

>A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

>While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

>It looked good.

>It smelled good.

>He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

>The waiter replied, "Ah seΓ±or, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

>The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

>The waiter replied, "I am so sorry seΓ±or. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

>The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

>After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

>The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, seΓ±or. Sometimes the bull wins."

It's my dream to open a dentist office/manicure salon

I'm fighting tooth and nail to make it happen

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized that there are in fact 20 ships!" The captain suddenly goes very pale and calls, "Bring me my brown pants."

So the French army has recently installed rearview mirrors to their tanks.

That way, they can watch the fighting!

I say two kids fighting the other day, and as a mature and responsible adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

A man moves to a new neighborhood

After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door

"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy sex."

"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.

"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".

My psychiatrist made me do a Rorschach test today...

...but I don't get it, she just kept on showing me pictures of my parents fighting.

Below our Southern border is filled with chaos, violence, and corruption. The government is in shambles and the people are always fighting amongst themselves.

Thank god I live in Canada.

When fighting clowns, never hesitate.

Go straight for the juggler.

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

Bear and Bunny

One day, a bear and a bunny are fighting. A genie appeared before them and said I will offer you each three wishes if you stop fighting. They both agreed.
For the first wish, the bear wanted all of the bears in his forest except for him to be female. The bunny asked for a motorcycle.
For the second wish, the bear wanted all of the bears in the country except for him to be female. The bunny asked for a helmet.
For the third wish, the bear wanted all of the bears in the world except for him to be female. The genie gave him a look. The bunny started his motorcycle and put on his helmet and said "I want...that bear to be gay" and he drove off.

So what do you call a street where sheep and horses are fighting over turf?

A baaad neigh-borhood.


I'm glad none of you are close enough to punch me.

I saw a Mexican fighting Jared Fogel

I finally saw Alien vs Predator

How do you separate two blind people fighting?

You just simply shout:
"I'm supporting the one with the knife!"

What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

It's stalemate

Not sure my son understands Football

I took my six year old son to his first football game over the weekend. On our way out I asked him what he thought of the game.

"It was exciting," my son said. "But I don't understand why they fighting so much over twenty-five cents."

"What do you mean?" I asked my son a little confused myself.

"Well," he started to say, "everyone kept yelling 'get the quarter back!'"

I saw 2 blind men fighting...

And said,"My bet's on the one with the knife."

Then they both ran away.

A platoon of soldiers is overseas fighting the battle of a lifetime

when all of the sudden, Private Smith runs out of ammo. He yells over for his Sergeant for some more, when the Sergeant throws him a stick. "What am I supposed to do with this?!" Smith yells angrily. In a joking manner, the Sergeant replies "Point it at the enemy, and yell BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY!!!

Private Smith mutters "You've gotta be kidding" but just to prove his Sergeant is an idiot, he does it. An enemy soldier comes up, he points the stick at him and yells BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY. Enemy dies. Smith thinks "There's no way that worked, someone else must have shot him, let me try it again." BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY! Another soldier goes down. Bewildered, he does it again, and again, with great success. Private Smith kills many people in this manner, and he begins to get very cocky.

His platoon is patrolling a rural road, when they get ambushed, and Private Smith knows that to do. BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY!!! BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY! BANGITY BANGITY BANGI-AAAAGGGHHHH! He starts writhing on the ground in immense pain. His Sergeant pulls him to safety and asks whats wrong. Smith replies "Somebody yelled tankity tankity tankity"

Injuries during bull fighting are completely avoidable

All you have to do is avoid-a-bull

How to make Fighting jokes?

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