Fight With Wife Jokes
124 fight with wife jokes and hilarious fight with wife puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about fight with wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Fight With Wife Short Jokes
Short fight with wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fight with wife humour may include short husband wife fighting jokes also.
- My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. "To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed. I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster. - The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
- It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system. You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.
- The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight and it's still not over.
- Wife and I fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
You know, roll reversal. - My wife told me she wants to give her clothes away to starving children,i told her that if they fit them they arent starving That is when the fight began
- 'So how did the fight with your wife end last night?' 'She came to me on her knees!'
'Oh yeah, and what did she say?'
'Come out, you can't stay under the table forever, coward!' - Whenever the wife and I fight I sit down and watch my wedding video in reverse I take the wedding band off her finger, hand her back to her dad and walk out of the chapel with my best mate
- My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist All they did was fight tooth and nail
- I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture. I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.
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Fight With Wife One Liners
Which fight with wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fight with wife? I can suggest the ones about couple fight and husband wife argument.
- Wife asked what was on the TV... I said "dust". That's when the fight started.
- Did you hear about the big fight Steve Harvey had with his wife? It was a family feud.
- Had a fight with my wife.... So I didn't let her sleep on the sofa with me last night...
- Got in a fight with my wife while camping... It was in tents.
- The first big fight Wife asked her husband what on TV. He replied, "Dust."
- How to start a fight with your wife Wife: What's on the TV tonight dear?
Husband: Dust - Did you hear Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight? It was a family feud
- My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
- How My Wife and I Never Fight Over Money We don't have any.
- A Roman fighter consumed his wife. He said he was glad 'e ate 'er...
- My wife hired a fact checker for when we argue.
- What do you call a boxer who comes home after a fight, to beat up his wife? Overtime.
- WIFE- Without Information Fighting Everytime :)
- If you have s**... with your Wife while fighting You're beefing and porking at the same time
Cheerful Fun Fight With Wife Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about fight with wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean angry wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fight with wife pranks.
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing.
You know, a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah. But today is the last day”.
Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back.
How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat...
Husband: How does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!
Second Opinion
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was n**... and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
My wife isn't speaking to me.
A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."
The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.
She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."
I got into a fight with my wife and she told me I should try seeing things from her perspective for a change.
so I went into the kitchen and stared out the window while I did some dishes.
He raised a pretty good question, actually.
A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"
My wife and I got into a fight at dinner tonight.
She said the sausages we were eating were tiny, *I* said they were completely average. :(
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
This husband wins the fight every time.
A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"
Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)
Got in a fight with my wife last night
Says o**... to his friend.
"Again", said the friend, "How did it end this time?"
"Well, she ended up on her knees, practically begging"
"Really, what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed you coward"
During a fight, the husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!"
"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
My wife and I were watching Millionaire in bed.
I turned to her and asked, 'Do you want to have s**...?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
Three men compare how they control their wives...
Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "
My wife and I were at dinner with her pregnant friend and her husband.
Before we left the house, my wife told me to behave myself (I can be childish sometimes). As we were eating, her friend said, "I feel like there was something in the air that made me want to have a baby."
Without thinking, I said, "Yeah, your legs." And then the fight started.
And that's how the fight started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's how the fight started....
My wife and I haven't stopped fighting since the furnace broke
Well, at least the arguments are getting heated
BIG fight
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
Anniversary gift
The wife asks her husband: "What are you gonna get me for our 20th anniversary, dear?"
"A grave in the cemetery". They had a huge fight. Fast forward to next year.
"What're you gonna get me for our 21st anniversary, honey?"
The man, annoyed, replies: "Nothing! You haven't used what I got you last year yet!"
On my birthday my wife suggested I have a t**......
My wife suggested for my birthday I have a t**....
I replied "Do I get to pick both girls?"
And then the fight started...
Mayweather was supposed to fight his opponent and hug his wife but apparently he got mixed up
I think Mayweather got his fight and marriage mixed up...
cause he's punching his wife and hugging Pacquiao
A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter e**... the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"
My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table
At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....
I ate the last piece of flan that my wife and I have been fighting over
I won the custardy battle.
A married couple were fighting...
...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."
Annoying husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
He must pay...
Husband and wife had a fight. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you!"
A couple had a
A couple had a fight one night,
Going to bed husband said,
Good night mother of my three kids,
Wife said,
Good night father of none.
My wife is always trying to pick a fight by making fun of my impotence.
Well she won't get a rise out of me.
ilove my family...
For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for hers.
For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.
My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s**...?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
I had my wife on all fours last night...
As she was telling me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
I Am Using Your Wife.
A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.
I was throwing darts at wife's photo on dart board
and not even a single one hitting the target.
Wife entered, saw and asked, Honey! What are you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
And that's when the fight started…
Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.
Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…
How the fight started
Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?
Me : How about a newspaper.
Wife : OK, which one?
Me : Today's.
I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary.
She smiled and said "Honey, I just want something shiny, that goes from 0 to 200 in a second".
So I bought her a brand new, shiny scale.
And that's when the fight started.
What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip?
Recalculating route.
A man and his wife were driving down a country road...
A man and his wife were driving down a country road.
They had previously been fighting with each other so they weren't talking at all.
They continued driving until they passed a field full of cows when the wife said, "Family of yours?"
"Yes" replied the husband, "In-laws."
I was with my wife in Russia when it starts to drizzle
So I say to my wife "It's raining" she quickly responds (looking to start a fight) "Actually, I think it's snowing".
This goes back and forth for a few minutes when I notice my buddy Officer Rudolf of the communist national guard. I go over to him and ask, "Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
He glances over and replies, "raining, ofcourse".
I turn back to my wife and triumphantly announce, "See, Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment...
...and he's very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment complex manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."
What is marriage counseling?
You just pay someone 300$ an hour to watch you and your wife fight
It was difficult to turn off my wife's life support today
You try fighting off 2 nurses, 1 doctor, and my 3 kids!
My wife and I were having an argument the other day.
She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.
A few hours later at work, I felt terrible about what i had said, so I called her to apologize and I asked her, "What are you doing?"
And she said, "I'm in bed."
So i said, "What are you doing this late in bed?"
And she said, "Getting a second opinion."
And that's how the fight started...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s**...?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .
In an all out fight between a married couple
The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!
The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!
After an hour long fight, my wife burst into tears when I grabbed her fancy new underwear from the dresser and threw it in the coffee grinder.
There's no use crying over milled silk.
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad
The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says Oh just a beer . The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? . The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month . The bartender said So whats wrong with that ? The man siad Well the month is up tonight .
A man goes to a bar
He sits down at the closest empty spot with the longest face you can imagine. The bartender asks him what's up while giving him his beer. He says with the saddest voice: "me and my wife had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". Understanding his struggles the bartender says he must really love his wife and miss her. "No" he says, "today is the last day".
An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...
were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
Bought a new car, I'm so happy.
I finally don't have to fight over our 20 yr old Buick with my wife anymore, cuz it's all mine now.
A man and his wife have an argument which ends in a fight
Husband: So disappointing, it finished less than a minuet after it started
Wife: Now you know how I feel.
My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...
She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.
I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."
An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.
The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".
The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"
She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"
Why do couples fight?
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started....
My wife's high school reunion
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.
They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up
The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way
(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)
My wife had a fight with me because I'm "obsessed with horses"...
At the end of the day, I'm the one that puts the food on the stable.
My wife went shopping and we got into a fight
My wife went shopping and we got into a fight when she came home.
She spent $1000 on a bag of pasta. I couldn't believe it, and I lost my temper.
But she reassured me that it would be worth every penne.
It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law's life support system.
I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.
And then the fight started....
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.
Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.
I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!
My wife and I are constantly fighting over who's going to make the first p**... of coffee in the morning.
I think this might be grounds for divorce.
A man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says Oh just a beer . The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? . The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month . The bartender said So whats wrong with that ? The man siad Well the month is up tonight .
My wife and I have been fighting for 5 years
We are both huge Star Wars fans, but Star Wars alone cannot save a marriage.
I finally got the courage to tell her I didn't think we were right for each other.
Wife - "OK"
Me - "OK? OK???!!! After five years that's all you have to say???"
Wife - "May diforce be with you."
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.
Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."
Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "
Man- " Personal matter my a**... the window doesn't open."
