fight with wife Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious fight with wife puns

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.

"To fight the Decepticons," I said.

She laughed. I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

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The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

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My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.

I asked her "Do you know him?"

"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.

"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"

And that's when the fight started....

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A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

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BIG FIGHT

My wife and I had a huge fight and she told me to get the hell out.
To spite her I went upstairs and packed my suitcases. Coming down the staircase, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs.
'I hope you die a slow and painful death, you bastard,' she hissed.
I reply,' So, now you're asking me to stay?'

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It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

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The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight

and it's still not over.

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My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

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REAL MEN

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are kings in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? Do you rule your roost?"

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"What happened then?" they ask.

She said: "Get out from under the bed you son of a bitch and fight like a man!"

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I was throwing darts at wife's photo on dart board

and not even a single one hitting the target.
Wife entered, saw and asked, Honey! What are you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
And that's when the fight started…

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Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

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Wife asked what was on the TV...

I said "dust". That's when the fight started.

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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .

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BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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BIG FIGHT

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags.
As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death. Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

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My wife & I got into a big fight bc she says I'm always exaggerating.

I was so mad I stormed off & tripped over my dick.

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And that's how the fight started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

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A husband and wife are fighting. The wife says "You've got the smallest penis I've ever seen!"

The husband shoots back "Then we're a perfect fit for each other, cause you're a shallow cunt!"

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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad........

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .

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My wife and I had a row and it finished with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees!

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man."

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My wife and I were watching Millionaire in bed.

I turned to her and asked, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started...

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I got in a big fight with my wife last night

and things got pretty crazy. In the end though, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees, and you know what she said?

"Get out from under the bed you fucking pussy."

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BIG FIGHT

Me and my wife had a huge fight. She told me to pack my bags and get the hell out.
To spite her, I did. I had my 2 bags when I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When at eye level, she says, 'I hope you die a slow and miserable death.''
I reply,' So, now you want me to stay?

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I once spent a month in prison.

I once spent a month in the slammer.

It wasn't that bad. The guards were friendly. My cell-mate was a cool guy. The food was better than my wife's. I didn't see any fights. I wasn't assaulted or raped.

On my last day a guard walked me out to the exit gate. We chatted about football on the way. As the gate opened he said to me, "Goodbye and good luck. How do you feel?"

"I feel good, man," I replied. "I'm happy to finally be out."

Then he smacked me hard across the skull with his baton, drawing blood. I was like, "What the hell, dude?"

"That's for ending your sentence with a preposition."

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After telling his wife he was working late at the office

...a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"

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A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.

"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"

The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank fΓΌr die guten abend"

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An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".

The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"

She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"

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Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."

The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."

The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."

The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.

"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you pussy!' "

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Two hearse funeral

A man finishes his lunch at the local deli and as he is leaving sees two hearses, a widower with a dog, and 200 men in single file lined up behind him.
Curious, the man walk over and says, "I don't mean to bother you, but what exactly is going on?"
The gentleman replies, "This is my wife's funeral procession."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"Don't be," the man says, "she was a complete bitch. She hit my dog and he managed to kill her."
The guy looks at the dog, it seems friendly enough, shrugs it off and says, "Well if your wife is in one of the hearses, who is in the other?"
"My wife's mother. She saw my dog fighting with my wife and jumped in and tried to get him to stop, but he managed to kill her too."
"Wow, that's incredible!" the guy says. "Is there any way I can borrow your dog?"
The owner replies, "Yeah, sure. Get in line."

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'So how did the fight with your wife end last night?'

'She came to me on her knees!'



'Oh yeah, and what did she say?'



'Come out, you can't stay under the table forever, coward!'

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A man gets in a fight with his wife

A man gets in an argument with his wife during dinner. After the meal, the husband furiously runs down to their wine cellar and opens a bottle of vintage wine. Magically, a genie comes out of the bottle and says "You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, your wife will get double."
The man says "I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your new beach house is waiting for you. But your wife now has two beach houses right next to yours."
"That's fine" the man said. "How about a nice sports car?"
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your brand new sports car is in your garage. But your wife now has two sports cars. You have one more wish."

The man thought and thought about what his last wish should be. After a few hours of thinking, he stood up and told the genie "I wish you would beat me half to death."

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Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.

Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…

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May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.


Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...

"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...

He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?

Son told...,"

when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......

" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!

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My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist

All they did was fight tooth and nail

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What are the most funny Fight With Wife jokes of all time ?

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