Fight With Wife Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Fight With Wife puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Fight With Wife

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.

"To fight the Decepticons," I said.

She laughed. I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.

I asked her "Do you know him?"

"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.

"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"

And that's when the fight started....

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight

and it's still not over.

My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

I was throwing darts at wife's photo on dart board

and not even a single one hitting the target.
Wife entered, saw and asked, Honey! What are you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
And that's when the fight started…

Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

Wife asked what was on the TV...

I said "dust". That's when the fight started.

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says Oh just a beer .
The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? .
The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month .
The bartender said So whats wrong with that ?
The man siad Well the month is up tonight .

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

And that's how the fight started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

My wife and I were watching Millionaire in bed.

I turned to her and asked, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started...

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.

"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"

The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank fΓΌr die guten abend"

An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".

The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"

She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"

Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."

The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."

The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."

The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.

"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you pussy!' "

A man gets in a fight with his wife

A man gets in an argument with his wife during dinner. After the meal, the husband furiously runs down to their wine cellar and opens a bottle of vintage wine. Magically, a genie comes out of the bottle and says "You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, your wife will get double."
The man says "I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your new beach house is waiting for you. But your wife now has two beach houses right next to yours."
"That's fine" the man said. "How about a nice sports car?"
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your brand new sports car is in your garage. But your wife now has two sports cars. You have one more wish."

The man thought and thought about what his last wish should be. After a few hours of thinking, he stood up and told the genie "I wish you would beat me half to death."

'So how did the fight with your wife end last night?'

'She came to me on her knees!'



'Oh yeah, and what did she say?'



'Come out, you can't stay under the table forever, coward!'

Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.

Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…

May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.


Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...

"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...

He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?

Son told...,"

when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......

" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!

My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist

All they did was fight tooth and nail

An American POW was being held in Germany...

Both of his arms were injured during the fighting and the Nazis amputated one.

"Can you drop my arm over allied territory for my wife?" The soldier asked.

The doctors obliged.
A few days later the other arm became infected and they amputated that one.

"Can you drop it over allied territory for my wife?" He asked again.

The doctors met his second request.

A few weeks later, the soldier's leg got smashed in the work camp and had to be amputated.

"Can you drop my leg over allied territory for my wife?" He asked.

"Nein!" The doctors told him. "We cannot do this any more!"

"Why not?"

"We think you're trying to escape!"

Got in a fight with my wife last night

Says one guy to his friend.
"Again", said the friend, "How did it end this time?"
"Well, she ended up on her knees, practically begging"
"Really, what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed you coward"

My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...

She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.

I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."

I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture.

I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.

A man and his wife were driving down a country road...

A man and his wife were driving down a country road.
They had previously been fighting with each other so they weren't talking at all.

They continued driving until they passed a field full of cows when the wife said, "Family of yours?"

"Yes" replied the husband, "In-laws."

My wife's high school reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

A married couple were fighting...

...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."

The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.

She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."

A man goes to a bar

He sits down at the closest empty spot with the longest face you can imagine. The bartender asks him what's up while giving him his beer. He says with the saddest voice: "me and my wife had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". Understanding his struggles the bartender says he must really love his wife and miss her. "No" he says, "today is the last day".

I was with my wife in Russia when it starts to drizzle

So I say to my wife "It's raining" she quickly responds (looking to start a fight) "Actually, I think it's snowing".

This goes back and forth for a few minutes when I notice my buddy Officer Rudolf of the communist national guard. I go over to him and ask, "Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"

He glances over and replies, "raining, ofcourse".
I turn back to my wife and triumphantly announce, "See, Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"

I Am Using Your Wife.

A man received message from his neighbour.

Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.

Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.

Few minutes later he received another massage.

Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.

But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Credit to /u/Bidonet

A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.

Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its troubling to see you so distraught because you are a very loyal husband, because you have a great relationship with me i am willing to help you. Name one thing you want and i will give it to you.

Terry looks around and is dumbfounded, "God?!" he asks. "Yes it is i, please what could you ever desire?" Terry thinks about it for a little bit and says, "I want a private highway to.... Japan, Italy, and Sweden." God asks Terry if he is sure about that, because that would use a lot of the worlds resources and could cause some serious problems. Terry realizes that wish would be very selfish, so he thinks for a minute and looks up to god and says "God? I know what i want". What is it Terry? Terry asks god to understand everything there is about women, so he can repair his problems with his wife.. God pauses for a minute and says to Terry "So was that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"

Marital Problems (possible oc?)

Dave got in a fight with his wife and took off for the night. He calls up his friend Steve who offers Dave his couch. While they're watching the gave and having a beer Steve asks Dave what happened.

Dave: I've got no idea. One minute we're talking about the dishwasher, the next she's calling me an arrogant, inconsiderate, chauvinistic pig!

Steve: Well what exactly happened?

Dave: Well, she handed me $1200 to go get a new dishwasher, so I gave it back and told her she was hired.

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment...

...and he's very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment complex manager."

"Whatever for?"

"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"

The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."

He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

A couple had fight

A couple had fight and did not talk to each other. One day, because the husband had to wake up early the next morning, he needed his wife to wake him up around 4 am. But he did not want to talk to her first so he grabbed a paper and a pencil and wrote, "wake me up around 4. I have to get up early for my job."

The next morning, the husband was so furious because he woke up around 9. He was late because his wife did not wake her up. Then he saw a note at the table beside the bed, "wake up. It's 4."

Sorry for my bad english.

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up

The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

A man and his wife had a fight...

They decided to give each other silence for a while. The man's alarm clock had broken down a couple of days ago, so when he had to get up at 5:00 AM to catch his flight for a business trip, he wrote on a piece of paper: "Can you please wake me up at 5:00?", and laid it on his wife's beddrawer before he went to sleep.

The next morning he woke up, and he was shocked to see it had already been 9:00 AM, and therefore he had missed his flight. He was just about to go ask his wife why she hadn't woken him up, when he found a piece of paper on his beddrawer with the text: "It's 5:00 AM, wake up".

And that's how the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's how the fight started....

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad

The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says Oh just a beer . The bartender asked the man Whats wrong,why are you so down today? . The man said My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month . The bartender said So whats wrong with that ? The man siad Well the month is up tonight .

ilove my family...

For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.

My daughter received an iPod for hers.

For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.

My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.

Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…

I had my wife on all fours last night...

As she was telling me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who's going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

Joke my math professor told me today.

A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you sure this will work?" and the pastor persists, "Yes, just do something nice to attract her, it will work I promise." And so the man goes home to get ready. Hours later, the wife comes home to find her husband with candles lit, and her husband slowly waxing his John Deere in the kitchen. She screams, "What are you doing?!" to which he replies "IM SAVING OUR MARRIAGE MARCIA! Pastor told me to do something nice to a tractor."

This husband wins the fight every time.

A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"

Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)

An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...

were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"ο»Ώ

A Woman on her Deathbed

An elderly woman is laying on her deathbed with her husband at her side.

"Honey", she says, "I want to show you something. Go in to the closet and take down the box from the top shelf."

So her husband goes and does as he is asked and opens the box to find two handmade dolls and five thousand dollars in cash.
"Dear, what is this?" he asks his wife.

She replies, "The day we were married, my grandmother sat me down and told me,'There are going to be times that the two of you fight, times that you'll be so sick of him you cannot even stand the sight of him. Whenever a time like that comes, sit down and make a doll to calm yourself down.'"

Her husband had tears in his eyes, after all these years of marriage, she was only ever mad at him twice, he could not believe how he had married such an amazing woman. Then he asked,"And what about the money?" She replied, "Oh, that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

During a fight, the husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!"

"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes