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Fight Jokes

173 fight jokes and hilarious fight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Fight Jokes: Have a laugh with these hilarious jokes about husband and wife fights, snowball fights, cat fights, villains, heavyweights, and even the struggle to keep your cool when the heat is on.

Funniest Fight Short Jokes

Short fight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fight humour may include short combat jokes also.

  1. How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
  2. It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries. Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
  3. 2 blind guys were about to fight I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
    Both started running away.
  4. Just been challenged to a water fight by next door brat kids... Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.
  5. Dont challange Death to a pillow fight ...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
  6. How do you stop a fight between two blind men? Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
  7. My fencing opponent laughed at me for bringing a block of cheddar to a sword fight. Until he discovered it was extra sharp.
  8. I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"
    Then they both ran away
  9. I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
  10. Xbox and PlayStation are having a fight... Then the cops show up: "Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U..."

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Fight One Liners

Which fight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fight? I can suggest the ones about battle and fought.

  1. Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions
  2. Why is 69 afraid of 70? Because they once had a fight and 71.
    #
    Sorry guys.
  3. Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting, but Hindus never have any beef.
  4. I googled "Rorschach Test" But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting
  5. 19 and 20 got into a fight 21.
  6. Who would win in a street fight between joe Biden and Donald Trump? Everyone watching
  7. If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clown Go for the juggler
  8. Why should you never fight a dinosaur? Because you'll get jurasskicked.
  9. I had an idea for a fighting game.. But turns out, it was tekken
  10. What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) alien vs. Predator
  11. I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 The odds were against me.
  12. My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire Great guy, horrible firefighter.
  13. 19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
  14. I challenged Death to a pillow fight. I wasn't prepared for the reaper cushions.
  15. Jimmy Kimmel should have floyd mayweather read mean tweets after the fight Oh wait

Fight With Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny fight with wife jokes and even better fight with wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. "To fight the Decepticons," I said.
    She laughed. I laughed.
    The toaster laughed.
    I shot the toaster.
  • The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
  • It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system. You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.
  • The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight and it's still not over.
  • Wife and I fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
    You know, roll reversal.
  • Wife asked what was on the TV... I said "dust". That's when the fight started.
  • My wife told me she wants to give her clothes away to starving children,i told her that if they fit them they arent starving That is when the fight began
  • 'So how did the fight with your wife end last night?' 'She came to me on her knees!'

    'Oh yeah, and what did she say?'

    'Come out, you can't stay under the table forever, coward!'
  • Whenever the wife and I fight I sit down and watch my wedding video in reverse I take the wedding band off her finger, hand her back to her dad and walk out of the chapel with my best mate
  • My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist All they did was fight tooth and nail

Fight Club Jokes

Here is a list of funny fight club jokes and even better fight club puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The First Rule of Fight Club... ... Is to not talk about fight club.
    The second rule of fight club...
    Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.
  • fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
  • Fight Club was awesome! Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
  • What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club? Tell everybody
  • Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules... ...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.
  • You know I think Fight Club is pretty underrated. Nobody talks about it these days
  • What's the first rule of vegan fight club? Tell everyone.
  • Went to my first fight club yesterday It was great, but I missed a few of the first rules because I was late. Probably nothing important though.
  • I went to my first Fight Club last week. I was unfortunately late to it and so I missed the rules. But I had a great time at Fight Club, and I would strongly recommend Fight Club to everyone.
  • So i went to my first fight club gathering I arrived a little late, so i did not catch the first part, but i had a great time. I recommend it to everybody.
Fight joke, So i went to my first fight club gathering

Couple Fight Jokes

Here is a list of funny couple fight jokes and even better couple fight puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry.
  • It's normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
  • A married couple were fighting... ...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."
  • Fighting Couple A married couple were fighting. Deciding it was time to go to bed, the husband says, "goodnight, mother of six!" to which she replies Goodnight father of two!"
  • Just saw a couple of Arab princes having a fight. They were having a Sheik up
  • The penguin couple got into another fight They really are on thin ice
  • A couple had a A couple had a fight one night,
    Going to bed husband said,
    Good night mother of my three kids,
    Wife said,
    Good night father of none.
  • A couple is fighting "I'm breaking up with you. I can't stand it you being so cockyall the time!"
    "Yeah yeah, close the door on your way back in."
  • I hate when couples fight in public And I show up halfway through, I'm totally lost and I don't know which side to pick.
  • I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on.

Pillow Fight Jokes

Here is a list of funny pillow fight jokes and even better pillow fight puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.. ..if you're not willing to deal with the reaper cushions.
  • I made a huge mistake challenging Death to a pillow fight… I was not prepared for the reaper cushions.
  • NEVER start a pillow fight with Death.... Unless your ready to face the Reaper cushions!!!!!!!
  • Don't ever challenge Death to a pillow fight If you do, you must be prepared for the Reaper cushions.
  • What do you call two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard? A pillow fight.
  • Never challenge death to a pillow fight unless you're ready to face the reaper cushions
  • If two Homeless people are hitting each other with a cardboard boxes... Is it a pillow fight?
  • Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won! The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..
  • How did the Flintstones died? Pillow fight
  • What did the homeless men yell when they hit each other with cardboard? Pillow fight!

Husband Wife Fight Jokes

Here is a list of funny husband wife fight jokes and even better husband wife fight puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Mother In Law A husband and wife had a fight.
    Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.
    Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!
  • The first big fight Wife asked her husband what on TV. He replied, "Dust."
  • How to start a fight with your wife Wife: What's on the TV tonight dear?
    Husband: Dust
  • Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
    Wife: I clean the toilet seat...
    Husband: How does it help
    Wife: I use your toothbrush!
  • A man and his wife have an argument which ends in a fight Husband: So disappointing, it finished less than a minuet after it started
    Wife: Now you know how I feel.
  • Petulant wife In the middle of a fight, husband said, "Let's not quarrel, let's discuss the things sensibly."
    "No," said the wife angrily. "Every time we discuss sensibly, I lose!"
  • And That's How the Fight Started. Wife: You are always so negative.
    Husband: I'll be more optimistic...I'm positive you're an idiot!
Fight joke, And That's How the Fight Started.

Rib-Tickling Fight Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about fight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean attack jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fight pranks.

Battleship is a completely unrealistic movie...

Everyone knows that Rihanna doesn't fight back.

My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.
They've been sizing each other up for hours.

A married couple are having a fight.

Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"

Two blondes are in the woods looking at a set of tracks.

"They're wolf tracks," says the first.
"No way! Those are fox tracks!" Exclaims the second.
The two fight back and forth so loud they didn't hear the train coming.

The (wo)man of the house

Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!

I f**... in a room of hipsters

I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over s**...

Greek: the Greeks invented s**... centuries before the Italians!
Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!

What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?

A food fight.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and Jared Fogle?

Alien vs Predator.

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

Had a fight with an e**... today...

I beat it single handedly.

An Xbox One got into a fight with a PS4

The ambulance came. Wii U Wii U Wii U.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s**...?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

Why don't you fight the black kid that is in the second grade?

Because his father is in the eighth grade.

How to start a fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.
Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

I was throwing darts at wife's photo on dart board

and not even a single one hitting the target.
Wife entered, saw and asked, Honey! What are you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
And that's when the fight started…

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

United should rebrand to Adrenaline...

Since they promote "fight or flight".

"Hey Ryu can I watch your next fight?"

SHORYUKEN!!

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?

Not sure, depends on what's at steak.

And that's how the fight started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s**...?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

A stormtrooper and a redshirt get into a fight.

The stormtrooper missed every shot.
The redshirt died anyway.

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...

19 and 20 had a fight...

21.

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin h**... Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

What's it called when an i**... immigrant and a child m**... get in a fist fight?

Alien VS predator

Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.

The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"
That was the punch line.

I won a 1v5 fight today

Man we creamed that guy!

Two cows got in a fight..

One started to march towards the other, while the other got scared.
One was cowrageous.
The other was a coward.

19 and 20 had a fight...

21

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

89 and 90 got into a fight

91

A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.
Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."
Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "
Man- " Personal matter my a**... the window doesn't open."

The best in town!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

I challenged the number 1 to a fight. When 1 showed up, he brought 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

Why don't professional boxers have s**... before a fight?

They probably don't like each other.

A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had a fight and 2021

Fight joke, Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

jokes about fight