Rib-Tickling Fight Jokes that Bring Friends Together
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
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Sorry guys.
Battleship is a completely unrealistic movie...
Everyone knows that Rihanna doesn't fight back.
My wife isn't speaking to me.
A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....
I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.
They've been sizing each other up for hours.
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
The (wo)man of the house
Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!
If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns
Go for the juggler
I f**... in a room of hipsters
I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...
...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.
BIG fight
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight
Oh wait
You can explore fight struggle reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean fight fierce dad jokes. There are also fight puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Went to my first fight club yesterday
It was great, but I missed a few of the first rules because I was late. Probably nothing important though.
Annoying husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
19 and 20 had a fight.
21.
An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over s**...
Greek: the Greeks invented s**... centuries before the Italians!
Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.
"To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed. I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?
A food fight.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and Jared Fogle?
Alien vs Predator.
Xbox and PlayStation are having a fight...
Then the cops show up: "Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U..."
My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,
But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
Had a fight with an e**... today...
I beat it single handedly.
fight club
I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meetingο»Ώ
An Xbox One got into a fight with a PS4
The ambulance came. Wii U Wii U Wii U.ο»Ώ
Wife asked what was on the TV...
I said "dust". That's when the fight started.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s**...?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium
Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"
Why don't you fight the black kid that is in the second grade?
Because his father is in the eighth grade.
How to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
The police seem to be making up the law as they go along
I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.
Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.
I was throwing darts at wife's photo on dart board
and not even a single one hitting the target.
Wife entered, saw and asked, Honey! What are you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
And that's when the fight startedβ¦
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either
FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....
In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......
The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight
and it's still not over.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9
The odds were against me.
The kid runs up to a policeman
"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"
I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night
Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
You know I think Fight Club is pretty underrated.
Nobody talks about it these days
If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence.
In the country it's called sibling rivalry.
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.
The First Rule of Fight Club...
... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.
United should rebrand to Adrenaline...
Since they promote "fight or flight".
"Hey Ryu can I watch your next fight?"
SHORYUKEN!!
I went to my first Fight Club last week.
I was unfortunately late to it and so I missed the rules. But I had a great time at Fight Club, and I would strongly recommend Fight Club to everyone.
Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?
Society.
What do you call two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard?
A pillow fight.
Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...
clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
String Fight
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
19 and 20 had a fight...
21.
Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin h**... Malone?
His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.
What's it called when an i**... immigrant and a child m**... get in a fist fight?
Alien VS predator
I won a 1v5 fight today
Man we creamed that guy!
Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids...
Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.
Two cows got in a fight..
One started to march towards the other, while the other got scared.
One was cowrageous.
The other was a coward.
19 and 20 had a fight...
21
19 and 20 got into a fight
21.
Fight Club was awesome!
Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man
I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?
My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire
Great guy, horrible firefighter.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you'll get jurasskicked.
The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.
She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.
The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
89 and 90 got into a fight
91
What's the first rule of vegan fight club?
Tell everyone.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.
Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."
Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "
Man- " Personal matter my a**... the window doesn't open."
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.
I challenged the number 1 to a fight. When 1 showed up, he brought 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
Why don't professional boxers have s**... before a fight?
They probably don't like each other.
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,
then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......
Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight
Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions
Americans are so lucky
Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.
How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?
Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'
What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?
Tell everybody
A barbarian s**... in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter
They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to o**... s**... only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.
Eventually, though, he was gladiator.
I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.
The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.
He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."
The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.
He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."
The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the h**... happened to you?!?" I gasped.
He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me b**..., bruised and beaten.
He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
Two blind men.
This morning I had to break up a fight on the sidewalk. Two blind men going at it with their canes.
I said: "Break it up guys,What the h**... is going on here!"
Blind man 1:"You owe me fifty dollars!"
Blind man 2: "I don't understand what the h**... his problem is!, I told YOU! ,"I WILL PAY YOU THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!"
My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side.
I picked the top half.
I challenged Death to a pillow fight.
I wasn't prepared for the reaper cushions.
My fencing opponent laughed at me for bringing a block of cheddar to a sword fight.
Until he discovered it was extra sharp.
A Finnish joke from the Cold War
During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.
He replied first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets .
The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.
We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure , the general replied.
Don't ever challenge Death to a pillow fight
If you do, you must be prepared for the Reaper cushions.
NEVER start a pillow fight with Death....
Unless your ready to face the Reaper cushions!!!!!!!
Justin Timberlake has volunteered to fight along side Ukrainian Forces
His first task⦠Crimea River
The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part documentary! Parts A through D are freely available to download, but
You have to fight for your right to Part E!
The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.
"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.
As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom one last time.... only to see his most trusted knight, chasing after him, shouting.....
"IT'S THE WRONG KEY! IT'S THE WRONG KEY!"
2 blind men were having a fight
2 blind men were having a fight, you should have seen their faces when I called out ''My money is on the one with the knife''
I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.
β
I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."
I asked what happens when they do.
"We get another sheep."
2 vegans get in a fight
Is it still beef
What do you call two rabbits in a fist fight?
Hare knuckle boxing.
2 was fighting 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9
2 won, against all odds
I told my husband he should fight his demons
Thats all I remember before being knocked out
2 artists had a fight...
It ended in a draw.
Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump?
Everyone watching
Why shoot down so many balloons?
It's a fight against inflation.
After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen
But alas, she was not very happy.
What is wrong, my love?
It's nothing.
Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you're not happy. He pleaded.
It's nothing.
I'm pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Achiles himself to see that smile again! Please, for the love of Zeus, why are you sad?
Well, it's justβ¦
Yes? What is it?
If you must knowβ¦
Yes? Yes? He asked, encouraging her.
I only count 999 ships.
