Fifty Jokes

Following is our collection of seventeen puns and sixty one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Fifty jokes for adults, dirty twelve jokes and clean eighty dad gags for kids.

The Best Fifty Puns

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"

"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.

"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)


What did the gay deer say when he left the bar?

I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there.

I lost fifty pounds...

Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

My wife said she wanted to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey".

So I showed her a picture of her hair.

Fifty clowns got fired from the circus.

Luckily, it freed up three parking spots.

A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

Great Mystery

Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"

Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"

Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".


A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

Critics say Botox is too expensive...

...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.

What would a prisoner say to you if you left them on an island for fifty years?

G'day mate!

So a deer walks into a gay bar...

Two hours and several drinks later, he walks out and says to himself, "Wow. I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there..."

A man runs into a bar...

He runs up the bartender and says:

"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"

The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.

The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"

The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."

The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"

The man says: "Fifty cents."

When my kindle reads Fifty Shades of Gray to me

It's like getting an obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking

If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

One quarter." answered little Johnny.

You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"

Plane Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."

The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."

The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"

The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."

A Jewish boy asked his father to borrow fifty dollars...

"Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"

The engineer and the mathematician

A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.

She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."

"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."

The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.

The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.

The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.

It's the first day for a fraternity...

It's the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women's dorms past eight o'clock at night, it's fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.

One pledge raises his hand and asks, How much for a season pass?

A Jewish boy approaches his father and asks if he could have $50...

A Jewish boy approaches his father and asks if he could have fifty dollars.

The Jewish father replies, "forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?"

A Jewish son asks his father for fifty dollars..

The father responds, "forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

Americans are getting stronger.

Fifty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

A deer walks into a gay bar

He comes out wasted, saying "I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there!"

Colorblind people are wondering why is everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey

Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.

How do you make a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven at ~~three fifty~~ tree fiddy until it's Bill Withers.

A man walks into a bar...

And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!

The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"

The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.

Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"

How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one to film it.


**Alternate Ending**

One, but it takes him fifty tries.

A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.

"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.

"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.

A Buddhist goes to the hot dog vendor...

And says, "Make me one with everything."
Giving him a fifty, the Buddhist asks for the change and the vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

"You don't look a day over fifty!" I told the mother-in-law on her birthday.

Slightly ruined her 38th.

A tourist in Amsterdam sees a prostitute in a window

He taps on the glass and says "How much?"

"Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds.

"Wow! I never realized it was so expensive"

"Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"

Got a password lock

that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.

A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, can I have fifty dollars?"

The father looks at him and says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

A guy stops in at the local pharmacy to buy condoms.

That will be twelve fifty with tax.
Tax he exclaims!!! don't these things stay on by themselves???

A homeless man asked me if he could get fifty cents for a sandwich.

I told him, I don't know, let me see the sandwich.

Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ...

... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.

A bodybuilder sees a group of beautiful women flocking around a skinny guy at the gym one day...

The bodybuilder is baffled. He asks his friend: "What the hell do they see in that wimp?"

"I hear he can bench press a hundred pounds," says the friend.

"A hundred pounds?!?" The bodybuilder snorts. "Hell, I can bench press over three hundred and fifty!!"

The friend raises an eyebrow. "With your tongue?"

An Irishman walks into a bar.....

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.

Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.

The barman asks: What do you have?

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!

Two old men sitting on a park bench discussing their junk

First one says, I'll bet you mine is longer soft than yours is hard.

Second one says, That's ridiculous. I've known you my whole life. Never have you, _or your wife_, bragged of such a thing.

Fifty bucks says mine is longer soft than yours is hard.

You're on. How long is yours soft?

Seventeen years.

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

My dad says his friends called him a loser

After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.

Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.

Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.

Two prostitutes are discussing

one asks the other:
-What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
the other one answers:
-Fifty dollars like everybody else

What's the different between beer nuts and deer nuts?

One of them is a dollar fifty and the other is just under a buck.

One American in Rome, Drinking beer at street cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

American: Hello, do you understand English?
Girl: only little.
American: How much?
Girl: Fifty dollars.

Son asks Jewish dad for money

Son: Dad, can you give me fifty dollars?

Dad: Fourty dollars? Why do you need thirty dollars? Here, take twenty and split it with your sister.

At the fortune teller

Hymie went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.

Questions about what? asked Hymie.

About anything, replied the psychic.

But is not fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that? complained Hymie.

Maybe, said the palmist, and what is your last question?

Peeing !

A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?

A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.

When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"

"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."

"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"

Lawyers

A woman walks into the lawyer's office and says, "Excuse me, what's your rate?"

The Lawyer says, "Fifty dollars for three questions."
The woman is shocked. "Isn't that a little steep?"
" Yes," says the lawyer."What's your third question?"

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in the 80s - I really loved it and wanted to share it here

A gay deer walks out of a bar...

Then he said, "I can't believe I just blew fifty bucks!"

There is a group of protestors chanting about fat acceptance.

There is a group of protestors chanting about fat acceptance. A married couple watched from a bench.

The husband told his wife, "it looks like there's fifty protestors over there!"

"I only counted ten." responded his wife.

The husband turned back to her, "I said it *looks* like fifty."

A Lady walks into a Grocery Store..

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin"

A Jewish kid asks his dad for money...

The kid says to his dad, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty dollars."

His dad replies, "Forty dollars! What do you wanna borrow thirty dollars for?!?!"

A team of particle physicists ran an experiment for the entire year,

and the detector reported exactly fifty two events which they were looking for. They published a research paper called "Weekly interacting particles".

A man walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back one after the other. Then the man orders 4 more, again the bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back. The bartender says, "Gee, buddy I've never seen anybody drink like that."

The man replies, "Youd drink like that too if you had what I have." "Oh my god" buddy! What do you have?" The man winks and says... "fifty cents."

What's a bodybuilder's favorite movie?

Fifty Shakes of Whey.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter....

Jill came down with two fifty.

What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?

LOST!

I heard they were going to put Frederick Douglass on the Fifty.

But they were worried it would only be worth $30.

A Jewish girl asks her father for $100 to go shopping.

He says, "Seventy Five dollars? Why would you need Fifty dollars? What are you going to buy with Twenty Five dollars anyway?"

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh? What do you have?"

"Fifty cents!"

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn tried to swim from Norway to America on a dare. Ten miles from the Norwegian coast, the Swede gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. Fifty miles from the Norwegian coast, the Norwegian gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. The Finn had just caught sight of the American coast, when he sighed "I can't make it either..." and promptly swam back to Norway.

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.

The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

What starts with an E and rhymes with fifty?

Eminem

What's the difference between a lesbian and a sperm whale?

Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.

My mother was over the age of fifty when she gave birth to me

You could say I was born with a silver poon in my mouth.

There is an abundance of ten jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 74 funniest jokes and fifty puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any fifty days witze you can hear about fifty.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes