Cheeky Fifty Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
A Jewish boy approaches his father and asks if he could have $50...
A Jewish boy approaches his father and asks if he could have fifty dollars.
The Jewish father replies, "forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?"
How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to film it.
**Alternate Ending**
One, but it takes him fifty tries.
Plane Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
When my kindle reads Fifty Shades of Gray to me
It's like getting an obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking
It's the first day for a fraternity...
It's the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women's dorms past eight o'clock at night, it's fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.
One pledge raises his hand and asks, How much for a season pass?
Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ...
... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.
I lost fifty pounds...
Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
Classic nursery rhyme
Jack and Jill went up a hill, each had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents, you think they went for water?
How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven at ~~three fifty~~ tree fiddy until it's Bill Withers.
The engineer and the mathematician
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.
Fifty clowns got fired from the circus.
Luckily, it freed up three parking spots.
You can explore fifty seventeen reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean fifty twelve dad jokes. There are also fifty puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So a deer walks into a gay bar...
Two hours and several drinks later, he walks out and says to himself, "Wow. I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there..."
Two prostitutes are discussing
one asks the other:
-What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
the other one answers:
-Fifty dollars like everybody else
Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter....
Jill came down with two fifty.
What would a prisoner say to you if you left them on an island for fifty years?
G'day mate!
Peeing !
A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?
At the fortune teller
h**... went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.
Questions about what? asked h**....
About anything, replied the psychic.
But is not fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that? complained h**....
Maybe, said the palmist, and what is your last question?
A Jewish boy asked his father to borrow fifty dollars...
"Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"
Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.
My wife said she wanted to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey".
So I showed her a picture of her hair.
A Jewish son asks his father for fifty dollars..
The father responds, "forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
Colorblind people are wondering why is everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, can I have fifty dollars?"
The father looks at him and says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
A tourist in Amsterdam sees a p**... in a window
He taps on the glass and says "How much?"
"Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds.
"Wow! I never realized it was so expensive"
"Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"
Critics say Botox is too expensive...
...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.
Lawyers
A woman walks into the lawyer's office and says, "Excuse me, what's your rate?"
The Lawyer says, "Fifty dollars for three questions."
The woman is shocked. "Isn't that a little steep?"
" Yes," says the lawyer."What's your third question?"
Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.
Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.
Son asks Jewish dad for money
Son: Dad, can you give me fifty dollars?
Dad: Fourty dollars? Why do you need thirty dollars? Here, take twenty and split it with your sister.
A Lady walks into a Grocery Store..
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin"
Sheep
At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."
"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.
"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.
Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"
A Buddhist goes to the hot dog vendor...
And says, "Make me one with everything."
Giving him a fifty, the Buddhist asks for the change and the vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?
Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.
Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...
Man: But i'm quick.
A man walks into a bar...
And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!
The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"
The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.
Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"
Great Mystery
Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
Americans are getting stronger.
Fifty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now.
One American in Rome, Drinking beer at street cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
American: Hello, do you understand English?
Girl: only little.
American: How much?
Girl: Fifty dollars.
A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".
The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"
I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
(Emo Philips)
Got a password lock
that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.
A deer walks into a gay bar
He comes out wasted, saying "I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there!"
What did the gay deer say when he left the bar?
I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there.
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.
A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.
"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.
"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.
A homeless man asked me if he could get fifty cents for a sandwich.
I told him, I don't know, let me see the sandwich.
An Irishman walks into a bar.....
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.
The barman asks: What do you have?
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!
A guy stops in at the local pharmacy to buy condoms.
That will be twelve fifty with tax.
Tax he exclaims!!! don't these things stay on by themselves???
A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.
When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"
"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."
"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".
I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".
My dad says his friends called him a loser
After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.
What's the different between beer nuts and deer nuts?
One of them is a dollar fifty and the other is just under a buck.
"You don't look a day over fifty!" I told the mother-in-law on her birthday.
Slightly ruined her 38th.
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet
I was gonna keep it rather than return it.
But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in the 80s - I really loved it and wanted to share it here
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
One quarter." answered little Johnny.
You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"
A bodybuilder sees a group of beautiful women flocking around a skinny guy at the gym one day...
The bodybuilder is baffled. He asks his friend: "What the h**... do they see in that wimp?"
"I hear he can bench press a hundred pounds," says the friend.
"A hundred pounds?!?" The bodybuilder snorts. "h**..., I can bench press over three hundred and fifty!!"
The friend raises an eyebrow. "With your tongue?"
Two old men sitting on a park bench discussing their junk
First one says, I'll bet you mine is longer soft than yours is hard.
Second one says, That's ridiculous. I've known you my whole life. Never have you, _or your wife_, bragged of such a thing.
Fifty bucks says mine is longer soft than yours is hard.
You're on. How long is yours soft?
Seventeen years.
A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger are on an island
They decide to swim the hundred miles back to shore, the ginger makes it 10 miles, the brunette swims 25 miles, and the blonde swims fifty miles, realizes it's too far and swims back.
A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty.
What happens when I turn fifty? the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.
Oh, nothing, said the fortuneteller. You'll just be used to it by then.
A man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila
The bartender lines up the shots, and the man starts taking them one after another.
The bartender says "wow you're drinking those pretty fast"
The guy says "you would too if you had what I have"
The bartender steps back cautiously "what do you have?"
The guy says "fifty cents"
An 60 guy introduced his friend to his new trophy wife
When they alone without the wife they asked him : "how did you got such a hot wife? "
He said: " i lied about my age"
"did you tell her that you are fifty?" asked one of his friends
"no i told her i am eighty" replied the man
I've just written a book called "Fifty Shades of Gravy"
It's very saucy
Did you know that when a shark has a s**......
it can smell toast from up to fifty miles away?
A deer walks out of a bar and says -
"man, I can't believe I just blew fifty bucks in there"
Teenage boys
Two teenage boys go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits having s**... with a girl but refuses to name her. The priest asks, 'It wasn't Mary Jones, was it?' The boy says 'No, Father it wasn't'. The priest asks' 'Was it Angela Brown?'. The boy replies 'No, Father. it wasn't. 'It wasn't Jane Carter by any chance?' The boy says 'No father it wasn't' The priest gives up and says 'Well for your penance say fifty Hail Mary's and leave half your pocket money in the poor box.' When the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went. He replies 'Not bad, a $5 fine and three great leads!'
An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years
A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"
The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."
The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."
What happens when 50 Cent eats his food?
58.
Fifty ate.
Okay I'll just see myself out.. sorry.
Two blind men.
This morning I had to break up a fight on the sidewalk. Two blind men going at it with their canes.
I said: "Break it up guys,What the h**... is going on here!"
Blind man 1:"You owe me fifty dollars!"
Blind man 2: "I don't understand what the h**... his problem is!, I told YOU! ,"I WILL PAY YOU THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!"
Mothballs
A small town guy comes into a pharmacy and asks the guy at the counter:
"What do you have to get rid of the darn moths?"
The pharmacist sells him a pack of mothballs.
A day later he comes in and asks for fifty packs.
"Why do you need so many?" asks the pharmacist
-"Your mothballs are great, but them darn moths are so hard to hit"
I have a joke about commitment
Steve was deeply committed to playing golf. Ever day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year. After several years went by, Steve was still playing golf. As he was about to putt the ball in the hole. He notice a f**... procession going by. He then took off his hat and gave a moment of silence for the procession.
His friend that he was golfing with was amazed at him and said, "Wow that was really respectful"
"Well I should be respectful", Steve replied. "I was married to her for over thirty years."
Three racehorses were standing in a field.
One says, you know, I've won ten races in my life.
And I've won twenty races! Brags the second horse.
The third horse is much older then them both. He says, That's nothing! I've won fifty races!
Suddenly they all hear laughing, and they turn their heads to see a greyhound trotting through the field.
Amateurs! The dog laughs. I've been in a thousand races, and I've won all of them!
The horses are all shocked. As the dog strolls past them, they stare in silence. Then the old horse says, Holy s**...! a talking dog!
What concert costs $0.45?
Fifty Cent featuring Nickleback.
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor...
"Make me one with everything."
So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"
The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."
(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)
My wife and I were driving home late last night.
We spotted a s**... dressed young lady standing somewhat unsteadily at the corner. My wife remarked, "she looks high as s**...!"
"Oh, I don't know," I replied, "Fifty dollars doesn't seem that high to me."
My arm is still sore where she punched me.
Rip off
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. "
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled! "
What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?
The Detroit Lions.
Vinny gets pulled over for speeding on the Jersey Turnpike...
And the cop asks him for his license and registration. Now Vinny wants to get rid of the cop as fast as possible being that he's got a dead "canary" in the trunk. As he passes his wallet, he drops a $50 bill on the ground.
"I'm sorry officer was that your fifty or mine?"
The cop hands it back and says, "no, mine was a hundred".
[This was a scene from a movie I can't remember the name of.]
