Fifty Jokes
175 fifty jokes and hilarious fifty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fifty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a good laugh? Check out this collection of the fifty best jokes to make you chuckle! From jokes about turning fifty to puns and goofs on seventeen and nineteen, this collection of nifty fifty jokes is sure to make you smile.
Quick Jump To
- Short Fifty Jokes
- Fifty One Liners
- Fifty Shades Jokes
- Fifty Shades Of Grey Jokes
- Thirty Fifty Jokes
- Fifty Years Old Jokes
- More Fifty Jokes
Funniest Fifty Short Jokes
Short fifty jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fifty humour may include short 50 cent jokes also.
- What do Green eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common? They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
- What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now. - What did the gay deer say when he left the bar? I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there.
- My wife said she wanted to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey". So I showed her a picture of her hair.
- A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks". The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"
- Critics say botox is too expensive... ...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.
- What would a prisoner say to you if you left them on an island for fifty years? G'day mate!
- So a deer walks into a gay bar... Two hours and several drinks later, he walks out and says to himself, "Wow. I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there..."
- When my kindle reads Fifty Shades of Gray to me It's like getting an obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking
- A Jewish boy asked his father to borrow fifty dollars... "Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"
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Fifty One Liners
Which fifty one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fifty? I can suggest the ones about sixty and being 50.
- What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl? The Detroit Lions.
- I lost fifty pounds... Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
- Fifty clowns got fired from the circus. Luckily, it freed up three parking spots.
- I've just written a book called "Fifty Shades of Gravy" It's very saucy
- A gay deer walks out of a bar... Then he said, "I can't believe I just blew fifty bucks!"
- What's a bodybuilder's favorite movie? Fifty Shakes of Whey.
- What concert costs $0.45? Fifty Cent featuring Nickleback.
- What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic? LOST!
- What starts with an E and rhymes with fifty? Eminem
- What are the odds I could find the sum of numbers from 1-100? I'd say it's fifty fifty
- There were fifty dragons and forty eight people... How many didn't?
- I fell out of a fifty foot tree today But I was only 5 feet of the ground
- I've been playing the same guitar for fifty years. We have a mahoganous relationship.
- What do you call fifty-three Ohioans with diarrhea? The Cleveland Browns.
- What do fifty thousand abused blonde women all have in common? They just don't listen.
Fifty Shades Jokes
Here is a list of funny fifty shades jokes and even better fifty shades puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Colorblind people are wondering why is everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey
- Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.
- Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into.
- Fifty Shades of Grey beat the record for fastest selling R-rated movie in history... Well, first it tied the record... then it beat it....
[credit goes to the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers] - I think it's only fair the week after Black Friday be called White Friday And then with the remaining Fridays before the next Black Friday, you can have fifty shades of grey.
- Why did the characters from Fifty Shades of Grey get into a fight about fast food? They couldn't agree where to go. Christian wanted Domino's, but Ana insisted on Subway!
- I turned on the TV, and it was static My wife asked me, "what's that noise?" I said "fifty shades of gray"
- What kind of person can't stop watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey'? A colorblind synaesthesiac listening to the radio
- In art class, I saw my friend making a gradient from dark to light on his paper with his pencil today. "Hey, what are you doing?"
"Illustrating Fifty Shades of Grey..." - A man is asked why he can't see the Fifty Shades of Gray movie... He replies, "I'm color blind and can only see 36 of them."
Fifty Shades Of Grey Jokes
Here is a list of funny fifty shades of grey jokes and even better fifty shades of grey puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations. It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.
- What do new car colours and your mom's literary collection have in common? They both only have fifty shades of grey.
- Why does Bruce Banner have Fifty Shades of Grey on his iPhone? Because he needs something to get him angry enough to turn him into the Hulk on short notice.
- Fifty Shades of Grey: Dog Edition Dog Anastasia's Friend: "How did the interview go?"
Dog Anastasia: "Didn't even happen. I just couldn't figure out which one was Mr Grey" - My girlfriend wanted to act out a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey It was the scene where Christian wanted to buy Anastasia a new Audi...
- Did you hear, Henry Winker is directing the new Fifty Shades of Grey Sequel? Yeah, it comes out next year. It's called Fifty Shades of Aaaaayyy!
- I asked the girl I've been dating to see Fifty Shades of Grey with me this weekend, but I think she's worried were moving too fast. She seemed concerned and said she didn't want to be tied down.
- A blind man walks into a Fifty Shades of Grey theater takes a deep breath and says " MMM ... I guess I'm at a fish market"
- Should I bring a box of tissues to the new 'Fifty Shades of Grey' film? I hear it's very sad.
- What do you get when you mix an Obama campaign slogan with Fifty Shades of Grey? Rope and chains.
Thirty Fifty Jokes
Here is a list of funny thirty fifty jokes and even better thirty fifty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Jewish son asks his father for fifty dollars.. The father responds, "forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
- A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, can I have fifty dollars?" The father looks at him and says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"
- Son asks Jewish dad for money Son: Dad, can you give me fifty dollars?
Dad: Fourty dollars? Why do you need thirty dollars? Here, take twenty and split it with your sister. - A Jewish kid asks his dad for money... The kid says to his dad, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty dollars."
His dad replies, "Forty dollars! What do you wanna borrow thirty dollars for?!?!" - Jewish father and son A Jewish boy went to his dad and asked for fifty dollars.
His father said, "Forty dollars!? What do you need thirty dollars for?!" - The World Trade Center had a Speed-Reading club they went thru fifty stories in thirty seconds
- Jesish kids need money too A Jewish boy asks his father for fifty dollars, to which the father replies "forty dollars, what do you need thirty dollars for?'
- Ten, Twenty, Thirty, fourty, fifty, sixty, sixtyten, "what?" four twenties "France, stop it" four twenties and ten. "France you're drunk"
- A young Jewish boy A young Jewish boy wants a new bike. So he goes up to his father and says, "Dad, can I have fifty dollars?"
The dad exclaims, "Forty dollars! What do you need thirty dollars for?" - When I was at school, fifty two percent of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other thirty eight percent.
Fifty Years Old Jokes
Here is a list of funny fifty years old jokes and even better fifty years old puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Americans are getting stronger. Fifty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
- In honour of the new Michael Jackson documentary, McDonalds is issuing a new McJacko burger... A fifty year old piece of meat between two ten year old buns.
Cheeky Fifty Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about fifty you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turning 50 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fifty pranks.
What's the difference between a lesbian and a s**... whale?
Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.
A Jewish boy approaches his father and asks if he could have $50...
A Jewish boy approaches his father and asks if he could have fifty dollars.
The Jewish father replies, "forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?"
How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to film it.
**Alternate Ending**
One, but it takes him fifty tries.
Plane Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
It's the first day for a fraternity...
It's the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women's dorms past eight o'clock at night, it's fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.
One pledge raises his hand and asks, How much for a season pass?
Classic nursery rhyme
Jack and Jill went up a hill, each had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents, you think they went for water?
How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven at ~~three fifty~~ tree fiddy until it's Bill Withers.
The engineer and the mathematician
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.
Two prostitutes are discussing
one asks the other:
-What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
the other one answers:
-Fifty dollars like everybody else
Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter....
Jill came down with two fifty.
Peeing !
A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?
At the fortune teller
h**... went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.
Questions about what? asked h**....
About anything, replied the psychic.
But is not fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that? complained h**....
Maybe, said the palmist, and what is your last question?
A young Jewish boy asks his father...
A young Jewish boy asks his father, "Can I have fifty dollars to go out with my friends?" His father replies, "Forty dollars? What on earth do you need ten dollars for?"
A Jewish kid goes up to his dad...
Son: "Hey papa?"
Father: "Yes, ma' boy?"
Son: "I met this beautiful girl at temple today. I want to take her out. Can I borrow fifty bucks?
Father: "Forty bucks? What the heck are you gonna do with thirty bucks? Do I look like I have twenty bucks heres fifteen now take ten and bring me back five."
Why is it better to hire fifty $20 h**... rather than a single $1000 e**...?
More poorgasms
Fiddy bucks
Jewish girl walks up to her Jewish dad and says,
"Can I borrow fifty dollars?" He responds,
"Fourty dollars? What do you need twenty dollars for?"
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!"
A newly married Deaf couple..
Soon realize that initiating s**... in the dark is quite difficult. The wife decides that if she wants to have s**... she will s**... him once so he knows. He replies, "and if you don't want to have s**... then s**... me fifty times".
A team of particle physicists ran an experiment for the entire year,
and the detector reported exactly fifty two events which they were looking for. They published a research paper called "Weekly interacting particles".
My mother was over the age of fifty when she gave birth to me
You could say I was born with a silver p**... in my mouth.
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says "Papa, I need fifty dollars."
The father says "forty dollars?! I don't have thirty dollars! What do you need twenty dollars for? Here's ten dollars." He hands the boy a five and says "split it with your brothers...and bring back the change."
I want to write a s**... charged novel with an FBI twist.
*Fifty Raids A Day*
A tourist in Amsterdam sees a p**... in a window
He taps on the glass and says "How much?"
"Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds.
"Wow! I never realized it was so expensive"
"Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"
I heard they were going to put Frederick Douglass on the Fifty.
But they were worried it would only be worth $30.
A Jewish boy asks his father for one dollar...
...and his dad responds, "Fifty cents? What do you need twenty-five cents for?"
Lawyers
A woman walks into the lawyer's office and says, "Excuse me, what's your rate?"
The Lawyer says, "Fifty dollars for three questions."
The woman is shocked. "Isn't that a little steep?"
" Yes," says the lawyer."What's your third question?"
Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.
Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.
One time, I solicited a midget h**....
I paid her fifty bucks to go up on me.
A Lady walks into a Grocery Store..
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin"
Sheep
At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."
"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.
"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.
Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"
A Buddhist goes to the hot dog vendor...
And says, "Make me one with everything."
Giving him a fifty, the Buddhist asks for the change and the vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?
Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.
Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...
Man: But i'm quick.
A man walks into a bar...
And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!
The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"
The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.
Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"
Great Mystery
Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
One American in Rome, Drinking beer at street cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
American: Hello, do you understand English?
Girl: only little.
American: How much?
Girl: Fifty dollars.
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay fifty bucks for a lentil on my chest.
How many Jews can you fit in a car?
Two in the front ,two in the back, one in the boot and fifty in the ashtray.
I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
(Emo Philips)
Got a password lock
that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.
A deer walks into a gay bar
He comes out wasted, saying "I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there!"
'American Police' playing cards.
I bought a deck of 'American Police' playing cards yesterday.
There's no hearts or diamonds in it. Just one s**... and fifty one clubs.
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn
A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn tried to swim from Norway to America on a dare. Ten miles from the Norwegian coast, the Swede gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. Fifty miles from the Norwegian coast, the Norwegian gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. The Finn had just caught sight of the American coast, when he sighed "I can't make it either..." and promptly swam back to Norway.
How many Aggies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fifty. Forty-nine to rotate the ceiling, one to hold the lightbulb.
A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.
A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.
"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.
"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.
A homeless man asked me if he could get fifty cents for a sandwich.
I told him, I don't know, let me see the sandwich.
What would a book on b**... culture written in alabama be called?
Fifty Shades of Hay.
An Irishman walks into a bar.....
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.
The barman asks: What do you have?
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!
A guy stops in at the local pharmacy to buy condoms.
That will be twelve fifty with tax.
Tax he exclaims!!! don't these things stay on by themselves???
A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.
When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"
"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."
"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
A Jewish girl asks her father for $100 to go shopping.
He says, "Seventy Five dollars? Why would you need Fifty dollars? What are you going to buy with Twenty Five dollars anyway?"
