Fifteen Jokes
80 fifteen jokes and hilarious fifteen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fifteen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Fifteen Short Jokes
Short fifteen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fifteen humour may include short sixteen jokes also.
- The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years. Problem solved.
- Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me... ... She said no both times.
- "You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled. "I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."
- I began speed reading, and just last night I read The Da Vinci Code in fifteen minutes. I know it's only 4 words, but it's a start.
- I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm.... It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.
- Two Russians meet in a prison cell... "How long?" the first one asks.
"Fifteen years. You?"
"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"
"For nothing."
"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!" - When all this is over, I hope I can return to working at the mirror factory where I've worked for over fifteen years. I really couldn't see myself doing anything else.
- Cop gave me a ticket for doing fifteen over the limit. I didn't know radar guns could measure beers.
- What's bigger than a tuna? A threena.
- My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV Man... I love Netflix!
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Fifteen One Liners
Which fifteen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fifteen? I can suggest the ones about eleven and fourteen.
- Every fifteen seconds someone in London gets stabbed. Poor guy.
- Fifteen plus fifteen is thirty. Sixteen plus sixteen is thirty, too.
- I like my girls how I like my wine Ten-fifteen years old and locked in my basement.
- What do you call a man with fifteen cats? Claude.
- In my old age, I am like a fine wine... Fifteen percent alcohol by volume.
- You look so young... what is your secret? I am fifteen.
- Tom Waits for fifteen minutes and then he is legally allowed to leave.
- Exam results have improved since 2001. Well duh. That's fifteen years ago.
- What do we want? Chinese food!
*When do we want it?*
Fifteen minute. - I have this 90s pop ballad stuck in my head. It's been seven hours and fifteen days.
- If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk. - I KNOW KARATE, KUNGFU,BOXING,JUJITSU.... And fifteen other cool words
- What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack. - I did crack once... For fifteen years!
Hilarious Fun Fifteen Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about fifteen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thirteen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fifteen pranks.
[first] at the party
a guy was in a party, belting drink after drink. After ten to fifteen minutes, he took something out of his shirt pocket, looked at it for a while, and put it back. A guy comes up to him and says "I've been watching you the whole time, may I ask what's in you shirt pocket?" the man replied: "It's a picture of my wife, and when she finally starts to look beautiful, it's time to go home
A painter got a call...
from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."
This blonde goes to the pediatrician...
This blonde goes to the pediatrician because her baby keeps getting diaper rashes. The pediatrician asks, "How often do you change your baby?"
The blonde says, "Once a month."
The doctor yells, "What? Why do you only change him once a month?"
The blonde says, "Well, the box says 'good up until fifteen pounds.'"
A Jewish kid goes up to his dad...
Son: "Hey papa?"
Father: "Yes, ma' boy?"
Son: "I met this beautiful girl at temple today. I want to take her out. Can I borrow fifty bucks?
Father: "Forty bucks? What the heck are you gonna do with thirty bucks? Do I look like I have twenty bucks heres fifteen now take ten and bring me back five."
"So how was your golf game today, dear?"
"Well, it was fine until Tom hit a hole-in-one on the third and promptly dropped dead of a heart attack."
"Oh, my! That's terrible!"
"You're telling me! For fifteen holes it was 'hit the ball, drag Tom, hit the ball, drag Tom'."
A Jewish boy asks his father for $20
"Fifteen dollars? What do you need ten dollars for? Here's five" Hands him a dollar.
How to fall down the stairs:
Step One...
Step Two...
Step Three-and-a-Half...
Step Seven...
Steps Ten through Fifteen.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
They say it's inoperable...
A guy walks into a bar and orders seven shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up the seven shots and the man starts slamming them one after another. The bartender says "You sure are drinking those awfully fast."
The man responds "You'd be drinking them this fast if you had what I have."
In an empathetic tone the bartender asks "What do you have?"
"Fifteen cents"
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
An artist gets some good and bad news.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have some good news and some bad news," the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy is your doctor !"
This morning I made my coffee with an energy drink instead of water.
Fifteen minutes on the highway later I realized I forgot my car in the garage.
My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs.
Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?
After waiting fifteen minutes for my cappuccino I got the wrong order
still, it's better latté than never
"Boy, when I was your age I used to walk fifteen miles to school."
"Oh, is that why you didn't graduate"
A young computer science student is on the phone with his father...
His father says: "so how have your classes been going?"
The son replies: "not bad. I did really well on my test on hexadecimal today! It was only worth fifteen points, but I'm still happy about it."
"Oh yeah? What grade did you get?"
"An F!"
What's with girls having weird names nowadays?
I recently slept with a girl and after s**... she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.
What do a sea shanty and an overstuffed clown car have in common?
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.
How to fall down the stairs
Step One:
Step Six:
Step Seven:
Step Ten:
Step Fifteen:
Two r**... from Alabama are sitting, drinking. . .
When one turns to the other & declares "I'm finally dating a geeeenuuuuine m**...!"
The other looks up & says: "Really, Jim Bob?"
"Yep!" Jim Bob replies. "She's fifteen but she only got 3 kids."
A m**... walks into a bar
and says, "I'm with the Utah Liquor Control Department, prepare for a fifteen hour compliance audit."
My doctor said I have about a month left.
So I stabbed him. The judge gave me ten to fifteen years. Crisis averted.
A couple are about to finish their dinner, when the waiter arrives.
Waiter: How did you like your steak, ma'am?
Wife: Oh it was good, thank you. Pay the chef my compliments.
Waiter: And Sir, how did you find your Pork Belly?
Husband: Oh well, we met on a train some fifteen years ago...
I've been happily married for two years.
And the other fifteen years have been kinda.... meh.
A jewish son asks his father for money.
The son goes up to his father and asks, "Dad, can I borrow twenty dollars?"
His fathers responds, "Fifteen dollars?! What are you gunna do with ten dollars?!"
How to Live a Long Life
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
My ex-wife was born on Sept 11, which ending up being remembered for the national tragedy that happened that day.
And then fifteen years later the Twin Towers were destroyed.
Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.
One day, in Ancient Rome
A senator was late to the Senate, when Cicero was giving a speech. He got there fifteen minutes after the start.
He slipped into his usual seat and whispered to the senator next to him: "What Cicero is talking about?"
His neighbor said: "I don't know, he hasn't got to the verb yet!"
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
'Twister kills fifteen in Kansas'
Anybody else think the Americans may be playing it wrong.
You may not believe this . . .
But not more than fifteen minutes ago, I heard a rather detailed account of the whole story. So yes, I do actually recall the *most famous reindeer* of all. Vividly.
A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...
The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.
"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
One of the paramedics solemnly looks into the eyes of waiter and simply replies "Poisson"
Two guys are relaxing in a pool, one is belly up, and the other is bellow down.
They have been like this for fifteen minutes.
I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...
I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen
My parents allways warned me to never h**... through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...
Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.
I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee..
I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.
I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.
Good Luck..
Why did the john haggle with the h**...?
He just wanted to get the most bang for his buck.
I'm sorry. That's fifteen seconds you'll never get back.
I caught two teenagers smoking p**... outside my office window.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two teenagers smoking p**... outside my office window.
As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)
Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?
A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."
^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)
Two blondes were passengers on a four-engine plane...
Suddenly, one of the engines quit and the pilot announced that the plane would now be fifteen minutes late.
A short time later, another engine quit. The pilot announced they would be thirty minutes late.
Then the third engine quit and the pilot announced that they would be one hour late.
At this point, the one blonde said to the other, "Boy, if the fourth engine quits we could be up here all day!"
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings at that time.
"I have good news and bad news", the owner replied. "Which one would you you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news first."
"The good news is that, a man enquired about your work and wondered, if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it will, he brought all fifteen of your paintings."
The artist exclaims, "That's wonderful. What's the bad news?"
"The man was your doctor......."
I caught two kids smoking p**... outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking p**... outside my office.
In the early evening...
My wife caught me, my boss and two kids smoking p**... outside my office.
Later that night, an officer caught five people smoking p**... outside my office.
My wife looked at my boss and then looked at me while that story aired on the evening news and then commented
"Phew, I'm glad it wasn't us"
A fifteen year old kid gets an upright bass and starts to take lessons.
After his first lesson, his dad asks him, "what did you learn today?" "I learned to play the A note." After his second lesson his dad asks again, and he responds "I learned to play the D note." After his third lesson his dad asks again and he responds, "I learned to play the E note." After the fourth lesson his dad asks, and the kid responds, "I don't need lessons anymore. I've got a gig with a bluegrass band."
Auto
John: "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
Dave: "Really? What did he get?"
John: "Fifteen years."
A retired man named Dave took a part-time job at a small woodshop, but every morning, he was late.
Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. The owner wasn't too upset because Dave was great with customers, but one day he got curious.
"Hey Dave," the owner asked. "What did they say at your last job when you came in late all the time?"
"They said the same thing no matter what time I came in," Dave grinned. "Good morning, Colonel."
