Fetch Jokes
58 fetch jokes and hilarious fetch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fetch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Fetch Short Jokes
Short fetch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fetch humour may include short retrieve jokes also.
- My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
- My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away.. That seems a bit far-fetched to me..
- Would you believe me… Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that's been thrown over a mile away? Or would you say that idea is…
far fetched? - I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.
- A mate told me that he threw a stick over a mile and his dog caught and returned it. Seems pretty far fetched to me.
- I've finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux Collie
And yes, he paws it himself... - Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw? I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.
- A guy told me he could throw a stick a mile and his dog would run out and bring the stick back ... but I thought it was far-fetched.
- My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away. That's a bit far-fetched.
- My friend claims that his dog can catch a frisbee out of the air, thats been thrown 200mtrs. I thought that's a bit far fetched
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Fetch One Liners
Which fetch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fetch? I can suggest the ones about tract and seek.
- My dog brought me a ball from the other side of the world! Far-fetched, I know.
- I told my dog a joke about fetching a stick And he didn't get it…
- I threw my dog a stick and he brought me back a suit. It was quite fetching.
- My cat actually plays fetch. He just doesn't bring the stick back.
- A child prodigy walks a tightrope He can tell it to fetch too!
- Why did Regina George's dog only play keep-away? because fetch is not going to happen.
- What do you call a dog that always fetches the ball? An over-retriever
- I think I'm a great father. I taught my kids how to play fetch.
- Imagine... ...a dog so rich that he plays fetch on a segway.
- h**...'s boxers fetch 5000$ in an auction. Afterall, it was his first gas chamber.
Howlingly Hilarious Fetch Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about fetch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean checkout jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fetch pranks.
Jesus likes to drink wine.
As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The rice, for Christ's sake."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"m**... from Colombia."
"Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard.
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"c**... from Bolivia."
"Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"
"It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York."
"Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door.
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas!"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.
In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"m**... from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"
"c**... from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"
"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"
while at sea, the captain of a pirate ship saw an enemy ship approaching
"quick!" he shouted to his first mate. "fetch me my red shirt, so if i am struck they won't see me bleeding!" the first mate complied, and the captain prepared for battle.
after a long fight, the enemy ship retreated and the pirates basked in their victory. just then, the first mate called out in alarm, "we must end our celebration, captain; i see *ten* enemy ships approaching." the captain replied, "fetch me my brown pants."
An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...
His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.
Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go on for no more than half an hour, but this time, he was babbling on and on for over 1 hour and 45 minutes! Once the senator finished, his friend went up to him and asked him "senator, why did you talk for such a long time? You are usually very brief." The senator replies "It's your fault, you gave me my wife's teeth!"
A decides to go hunting
He asks his wife to pack his bag for him and fetch him the shotgun. A short while later his wife returns with the goods, telling him she will be going to town later on and the part ways.
Out in the woods the man suddenly spots the biggest buck he'd ever seen, he ruffles through his bag, looking for shells but when he takes his hand out: tampons... Furious he races home and waits for his wife. When she gets home he explains what happened. For a minute the wife looks puzzled, then with a shock tells him that she thought it was weird when she sneezed at the busstop and the guy behind her dropped dead.
Sorry for my english/wording. I hope it doenst ruin the joke!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus and Drugs
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "m**... from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "c**... from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"
an Irish man was working on a building site...
...the foreman asked him to fetch a wheel barrow. A while later the Irish man returned with a wheel barrow in a wheel barrow.
The foreman said "I asked for a barrow why have you fetched two"
The Irish man replied "I needed something to carry it back in"
Old Mrs. Hubbard
Old Mrs. Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her old dog a bone.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
so he gave her a bone of his own
The Moth
A moth went into a podiatrist's office, and the podiatrist said, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth replied, "What's the problem?! Where do I even begin? For one thing, I'm breaking my back day in and day out, working long hours for next to no pay at a thankless job where my horrible boss is always yelling at me. Then I come home and my wife doesn't appreciate me, my kids are brats, and my dog won't fetch the newspaper. Everything's terrible! I'm really at my wit's end and I don't know what to do."
"Wow," said the podiatrist, "clearly, you are very troubled. But this is a podiatrist's office--why did you come here?"
The moth replied, "The light was on."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christian Drugs.
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "m**... from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "c**... from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"
Selfless until the end.
For Pontius Pilate's birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross... he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed "fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it!" Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing "Happy birthday to you..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mother said fetch me a glass of water...
My mother said "fetch me a glass of water" and I said "no" my mom said "I bore you for nine months!" So I said "you bore me every time you speak!"
What did Alanis Morissette say when asked to fetch an ironing board?
"Isn't it 'i-ron-ing'?"
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water,
Who knows what they did up there,
They came down with a daughter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Childhood Nursery Rhyme
Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone...
But Rover took over, and he bent her over, and gave her a bone of his own
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do b**... spiders and small red spiders have in common?
Women will fetch their husband/boyfriend for either one.
Jeff and Jim went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jim feel down and broke his crown and Jeff shouted 'that's awesome'
Old mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard, to fetch her old doggy a bone.
When she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The billionaire was taking his bath when he had to f**......
Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his manservant, he said "Jeeves, go downstairs and fetch me a cup of coffee."
"Very good, sir" said the butler and made for the bathroom door.
By now the billionaire was struggling to hold it in, but finally Jeeves closed the door behind him. A substantial and very satisfying eruption ensued.
A few minutes later, Jeeves returned, holding a cup of coffee. Tucked under his arm was a hot water bottle.
"What's that for? I only asked for a cup of coffee."
"But sir, as I closed the door, I distinctly heard you say 'waddaboudawaddaboddle'".
A Pirate ship is out at sea.
One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells
"There is an enemy ship approaching!"
"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.
"Why?"
"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"
They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells
"two enemy ships are approaching!"
"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.
One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.
"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"
So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"
I fetched a pail of water and ate a whole KFC family meal to myself...
So that's two things I can cross off my bucket list.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Be careful about teaching lab retrievers to play fetch.
He almost blew us both up with a m**... bomb.
Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert
Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert and that occasional situations would arise where somebody would come fetch me for consultation. I would burst into the room wearing a terry aerobics headband and exclaim, "did somebody say let's get physics Al?
After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...
Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.
Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup
No way! You'll start without me
Don't worry, we'll wait for you
I don't believe you
We promise not to start without you
Reluctantly, Junior leaves.
They way for a day... two... five... ten... twenty...
After 30 days, grampa turtle bursts:
I can't take it any longer!!! - and bites the sandwich
At this point Junior suddenly jumps from behind a rock and yells:
AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!
I like my women like I like my fetch quests.
Unoriginal, not very deep, and they get REALLY boring once you've done them a couple times.
Old Mother Hubbard...
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare
And so was her daughter, I guess...
I have 72 Karma and I want more.
This not a joke.
☝️that is a joke.
I don't know what I am posting tbh. I think I am drunk.
Honey fetch me some water.😶
Mark Zuckerberg
Mark : we need 1000s of people's image so that we can fetch the data for the AI but we are running short on money this time. Any inputs?
Consultant 1: get the info from Apple's AI
Consultant 2: XoXo rofl! let's create a #10yearchallenge
Mark :
consultant :
Mark : perfe...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man took his date to a local country club.
When they arrived, he told her to sit down and he would go fetch their food.
Well, at this country club, there were different lines for everything. He went and stood in the p**... roast line. Then the vegetable line, the bread line, the gravy line, and the salt and pepper line.
Finally, he returned with two heaping plates of food. He then asked her what she would like to drink. "Some fruit punch would be nice," she replied.
So he went back. He walked all over the club for around an hour, with no luck. There was a wine line, a water line, and even a chocolate milk line. After having no luck, he returned to the table empty-handed.
There's no punch line.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.
He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I s**... myself."
I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have s**... myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean g**..., go fetch me some toilet paper."
A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner
"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"
Well Trained
I trained my dog to fetch beer.
It may not sound too impressive.
But he gets them from the neighbor's fridge.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doberman, Golden Retriever and Cat Joke
A Doberman, a Golden Retriever and a cat died and met God. God said to them, Tell me why I should let you into heaven.
The Doberman said, I'll protect you with my life.
God said, You can sit at my right side.
The Golden Retriever said, I will fetch your slippers and anything else you ask me to.
God said, Then you can sit at my left side.
Finally, God looked at the cat and said, And what will you do?
The cat said, Excuse me. I think you're sitting in my seat.
**Explanation**: If you're a cat owner, you don't need an explanation for this joke!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks." replied p**....
Mom sends her son out to play fetch with the dog. 5 minutes later both the son and the dog are back inside, looking grumpy.
"What happened?" Asks the mom.
"We lost the ball." says the boy.
"Oh no, where?" The dog replies: "Roof, roof"
Stunned, the mother says, "Did the dog just say it's on the roof?"
"No," the boy scoffs. "I mean the ball is up there, but the dumb dog's not talking."
The dog rolls its eyes at the mother and says, "Well, if your kid had a better arm I wouldn't have to."
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night
He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water...
...however if you sponsor Jack and Jill for just $2 a month, we can build a well with clean water right in their village.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery had his dog trained
He got the dog to do all kinds of tricks. Roll over, do a flip, fetch certain items, but anytime he tried to get the dog to sit, it would d**... on the floor.
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
*I'll fetch my coat of arms*
A mother sends her son to the well to fetch water.
When the boy comes back without water, he explains that there was an alligator in the well.
"Don't worry," says the mother. "The alligator is just as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Mom," says the boy, "if the alligator is as scared of me as I am of him, we shouldn't be drinking that water."
