female Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious female puns

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it is cheaper.

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Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"

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A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

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After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!

The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her. She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified. Wait, hold on: "petrified". Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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Female Scotties

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

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How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

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Tried to explain my sexuality to my dad..

Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.

Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.

Me: Yep

Dad: or a female partner.

Me: Yep

Dad: And that means you're bi.

Me: Yep

Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: Did you just...

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

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Shouldn't Iron man be a woman?

After all he is a Fe-Male.

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There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

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Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs

One says to the other, "I left my panties at the police station." The other says, "Let the dog have a whiff of your cunt and he'll go and fetch them."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector's fingers.

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is google male or female?

female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions

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How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

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Whenever I see a female bus driver, I'm reminded of how far we have come as a society...

Then I wait for the next bus

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Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.

Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

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If Hillary Clinton won she would've been the first F president.

I didn't say female because someone deleted the emale.

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A man gets pulled over by a female cop.

He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."

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How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

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If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

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How do you confuse a feminist

Tell her you won't let her make a sandwich for you because she is female

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Why are there so many female archaeologists?

Because bitches love digging up the past.

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Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

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I went to a new doctor the other day and found the doctor to be a young, drop-dead gorgeous female!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.ο»Ώ

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So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

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I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

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I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president

Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted

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What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

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Why are females so moody when they're on their period?

It's an ovary action.

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What are the most funny Female jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Female? Well, here are the best Female dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Female pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes