female Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious female stories

What are the best female puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Female? Well here is a complete list of the top female jokes:

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it is cheaper.

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Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"

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How to piss off a female archaeologist...

Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

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As airplanes about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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Why does an elephant have four feet?

Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.

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Today in sex ed our teacher asked what's the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there's a vas deferens

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What's the technical term for a female to male sex change?

A strapadictome

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Why are there so few female politicians?

It's hard to put makeup on two faces.

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How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

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What do you call an illegitimate female cow?

Miss Steak

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What do you call when a female physicist decides to try dating women for a change?

The double slit experiment.

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Why are female schoolteachers always so angry?

They have periods every half hour!

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I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?

The customer says, Female.

The counter guy asks, Black or white?

The customer says, White.

The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?

The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?

The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.

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Why do female dogs have a hard time walking?

Cuz bitches be trippin'

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Anyone there?



Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

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A blonde motorist is pulled over by a blonde policewoman for speeding.

The female cop asks for the blonde's drivers licence. The blonde motorist asks 'Sorry officer, what does it look like?'
The policewoman replies 'It's a small rectangular thing with your picture on it'.
The blond gives the policewoman her make-up mirror.
The blonde cop responds with 'I think we can forget the speeding fine. I didn't realize you're a policewoman too.'

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So a man rides his camel through New York...

and leaves it to go to a diner. When he comes back, his camel is missing, so he goes to the police.

The police ask a few questions. "Was the camel male or female?"

The man replies, "I'm not entirely sure- Wait! I remember! It's male it has to be!

"How do you know?"

"Well, when I was riding through town people kept pointing and saying "Look at the shmuck on that camel!"

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What do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

One hundred sowsand bucks

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Whats the technical term for a female to male sex change?

An adadictomy

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there'r female hormones in beer

So I found out there'r female hormones in beer, cause when you drink beer you argue over trivial things, you don't make any sense, you start to cry and you can't drive anymore.

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A blind man walks into a bar and asks, "You all wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The female bartender responds, "Let me stop you right there. I'm a blonde. The big bouncer at the door is a blonde. There's a biker chick sitting next to you, who is also a blonde. The singer on the stage, the manager of the bar, and two of the people at the table behind you are all blondes. Now think, do you REALLY want to tell that joke here?
"Nah," the man sighs, "not if I'm gonna have to explain it 7 times."

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Apparently beer contains female hormones.

After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up.

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The four types of female orgasms

Back when I was younger, my dad was educating me on sex. You all know the talk. One thing always stood out to me; he says to me "Son, there are four types of female orgasms."

"The first is the good orgasm- "OH YES! OH YESSSS!""

"Now the second, that's the bad orgasm- "OH NO! OH NO!"

"The third, that's how you know she's religious- "OH GOD! OH GOD!"

"And everyone knows about the last- the fake orgasm- "OH Shohn64! Oh Shohn64!"

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Feel like a woman...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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When it comes to distinguishing male genitalia from female genitalia...

There's a Vas Deferens.

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What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

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I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

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If the rapper Biz Markie had a female dog, he could name her...

...Miz Barkie

I'll stop

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Interviewing Arab for US visa


Interviewing an arab for a visa

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast

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A man is sitting on a plane next to the pope...

The pope was working on a crossword puzzle and the man saw that one of the problems was a four letter word for female that ended in "unt".

The man wanted to help the pope, but really didn't want to say the answer. Finally, after thinking and thinking, the man tells the pope "aunt". The pope thanks the man and erases his answer.

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A restaurant owner approaches two female customers who are Jewish . . .

and asks them, "Is there ANYTHING alright here ladies?"

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What do you call a female deer that's pickled?

A dill doe

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The apocalypse is coming!

So all animals gathered and decided, that since they were all gona die, why not have one huge orgy. The orgy began and at some point the female giraffe asked the elephant if he wants to fuck her, to which he quickly agreed and started screwing her. Few moments later the giraffe turned around and said: "It's the end of the world, why the hell are you wearing a condom?".

The elephant frowned - "Condom...?"

"Shit, I forgot the boa was giving me a blowjob!"

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Harassment

A man walks into the human resources office at work. The HR representative tells the man to sit down and tell him why a female employee is suing the company for sexual harassment. The man replies, "Her ass meant nothing to me, I was staring at her tits."

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Guy walks passed a bar with a sign "$5 sandwiches, $20 handjob"

..and then walks inside. He walks up to the bar and see's a smoking female hot bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes"

"Okay good, wash your hands and make me a sandwich".

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What does a female preacher feed her newborn child?

Pastorized milk.

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Male and female anatomy are not similar

There's a vas deferens

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Make me feel like a woman.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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Meanie-Pie Girl

I was working on a large amount of math homework in a group today, and one of the female participants was being prissy and in general a nuisance. So I patted her on the head. She says, 'Did you just pat me on the head?' So I say, "Yes, you were being mean so I was de-meaning you."

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Two pilots were accused of sexual harassment.

HR said a female pilot complained about the way they were joking and saying cockpit during the flight. Looking relieved they both got up to leave. HR quickly asks where there going when one pilots says "we don't have a problem, we'll apologize, and we'll never use the term cockpit again. That was totally insensitive of us. From here on out we'll just call it a sky box."

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How many female rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter, they'll never change anything

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Musician Joke

Q. How many female jazz vocalists does it take to perform "Summertime"?

A. Fucking all of them, apparently . . .

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What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

30 pounds. (and then the female come-back):

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes!

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Why was the female bank teller angry?

She was going through the change...

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I looked up "cock" in the dictionary...

It says "the male of the domestic fowl or chicken". That's all my black female neighbours ever talk about, they must really love fried chicken.

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A man is being arrested...

by a female police officer, who informs him,

Anything you say can and will be held against you.

The man says, Boobs!

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best female jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about female. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty female gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these female jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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