A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
Because it is cheaper.
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Dave, is that you?".
When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"
She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."
My penis ( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°)
Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!
The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.
She thinks I'm stalking her or following her. She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified. Wait, hold on: "petrified". Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: or a female partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Did you just...
So, one day he asks AndrΓ© about his secret. AndrΓ© replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, AndrΓ©?".
I'll fuck their boyfriends
After all he is a Fe-Male.
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
One says to the other, "I left my panties at the police station." The other says, "Let the dog have a whiff of your cunt and he'll go and fetch them."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector's fingers.
female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.
Then I wait for the next bus
Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.
The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke. After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.
The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?"
Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.
The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to India doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
I didn't say female because someone deleted the emale.
He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."
If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity.
The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: " and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!"
At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"
....Like the words President Bush.
Tell her you won't let her make a sandwich for you because she is female
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Because bitches love digging up the past.
Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."
We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.ο»Ώ
Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs."
"I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"
The Captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the goat and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."
When he noticed the female gorilla was very agitated. Having worked with gorillas for many years, he recognised she was in heat. The zookeeper did not wish her to become more agitated, so he began contacting other zoo's in the area asking if they had a male gorilla.
After many days with no luck, and the female gorilla getting more frustrated, he decided to try his last option. So he tracks down the janitor of the zoo and says to him "Steve, I have to ask you a big favor... I need you to have sex with the female gorilla. It's worth 2000 dollars."
The janitor agrees so long as three conditions are met.
"Condition the first..." says the janitor "is that no one cam ever know."
"Second... I don't have to kiss her."
"Finally... I'll need some time to get the 2000 dollars."
Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.
The professor loved to start each lecture with a dirty joke. After a week of this, the female students got together and decided that next time, if this happened again, they would all walk out in unison.
The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in Singapore?"
Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.
The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to Singapore doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted
One bails her hay and the other heils her bae
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."
It's an ovary action.
They're passing the elephant house and the female elephants are in season. The bull is aroused. He's walking around trumpeting, displaying his tusks and generally being aggressive. He also has a full-on erection.
The kid spots the weird grey thing swinging around between the bull's rear legs and points at it.
"Mom, what's that?"
"That's nothing dear."
The following week his dad takes him back to the zoo. Elephant mating season is still in full-swing and the bull is strutting his stuff much as on the previous visit.
Again the kid points and asks.
"Dad, what's that?"
"That's the bull elephant's cock."
"Oh. When I was here with Mommy last week she said it was nothing."
"Yeah, but she's spoiled."
A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.
The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"
"I'm reading a book sir."
"Uh-huh. And what's she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.
"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."
With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are you son?"
"I'm 20."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in about 15 minutes she'll be 18."
Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.
I was embarrassed, but she said, Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny .
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
so she reports it to
the Captain immediately.
Sir, I think we have a case of
human trafficking!
There is a
very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!
We must save the lady !!!
The Captain responds,
Patricia,
I've told you before..
We have resigned from *United Airlines*.
This is *Air Force One*
Please learn to respect the American President.
On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen
it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks by dick tastes funny".
...I'm a heroine addict.
When one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation: jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on... there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the second.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."
I will downvote myself on the way out....
One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and giggled. The male statue said "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and I'll shit on it."
A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a janitor with a proposition. "Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?" he asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this." The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
"Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need about a week to come up with the $500."
A man and his wife were laying in bed when aliens abducted them. Upon arriving on the alien ship, they were greeted by a male alien and a female alien.
"Do not fear humans, we come with a proposition for you. My wife and I have decided that we would like to have sex with humans, to see what it is like."
So after talking it over for a bit, the man and his wife agreed and were taken into separate rooms. The male alien goes on to tell the wife, "You are in full control here. If you want me to go faster, just push or pull my ears. If you want my dick to get bigger, tap me on the head."
It was the most exhilarating sexual experience the wife ever had, getting exactly what she wanted. After they were done the alien sent the wife down to her house where her husband was waiting.
"How was your experience babe?" she asks.
"It was going great, until that bitch grabbed my ears and started punching me in the head."
She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email
An old man walks into a church, and sits down in the confessional booth. The priest opens up the divider and says "Tell me your troubles my son"
The old man says "Father, i've been happily married the last 50 years to a beautiful woman. But the other day I was driving down the road and picked up two young female hitch hikers. I gave them a ride to the nearest place, which was a motel. To thank me they took me inside and gave me the best night of my life. The gave me head, fucked me till I was dry, even let me perform anal on one of them while she ate the other out.
The priest says "It's understandable my son, we all give in to desires every so often. Your penance shall be 10 hails mary's and 20 our fathers. "
The old man says "Penance? But I'm not catholic!"
To which the priest responds "If you're not catholic then why are you telling me all of this?"
And the old man says "Are you kidding me? I'm telling everyone!"
You're in no danger. I'm just writing you to say goodbye.
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
I'll have sex with their boyfriends.
Here's an old Roy Chubby Brown joke.
I was in my changing room the other day and a female staff member came in and was tidying up. I looked at her for a while and then plucked up the courage to ask, "Excuse me, love. Can I smell your pussy?"
Shocked, she slapped me and shouted, "You most certainly cannot!".
"Oh," I responded, "It must be your feet, then."
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."
...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.
The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in intercourse, but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have sex.
Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have sex with this gorilla?"
The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."
"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"
The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."
"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"
Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, Male or female?
The customer says, Female
The counter guy asks, Black or white?
The customer says, White
The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?
The customer says, What the hell does religion have to do with it?
The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up!
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
What is college feminism?
10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers
Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.
A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
So, one day he asked Dave about his secret. Dave replied: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, Dave?".
A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:
- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00
Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.
He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs around here?"
With a wink and a sexy smile she replies in a sultry voice "Why yes, I am."
The man says "Well, go and wash your hands because I'm ready for a cheese sandwich!"
A 5 year old boy asked his dad - "Daddy.. what are those bumps on mommy's chest?"
The father, a bit uncomfortable at the question, decided his son was too young to learn about female anatomy.
"Those are mommy's balloons, son", said the father. "And when she dies, they'll float her up to heaven."
"Ok daddy", said the boy.
A few days later, the father receives a frantic phone call at work from his son.
'Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!!"
Startled, he asks "Son, why do you think that?"
"Well", said the little boy between sniffles, "the next door neighbor is blowing up her balloons, and she's screaming to god that she's coming."
It'd be weird wooden tit
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes. When he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.
A man mentions to his coworker that her hair smells nice today. The woman suddenly grows enraged, Storms into her supervisor's office, and declares loudly she is quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
"Come on," says the supervisor.
"What's wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?"
"He's a fucking midget"
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".
Apparently there's a vas deferens
Two doctors were having sex when suddenly... the male doctor, in the moment, says to the female doctor,
**"Wow, you must be a Gynecologist, you *really* know how to use that thing..."**
The female doctor responds,
**"Thanks! You must be an anesthesiologist."**
The male doctor replies,
**"Really? What makes you say that?"**
She retorts,
**"Because I can't seem to feel a thing!"**
_______________________________
I hadn't heard this before, and it came from an EMT/Paramedic training my staff for CPR. I got a good chuckle out of it, thought I would share.
ON the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody
caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Female, because it doesn't let you finish your sentence before making a suggestion.
On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.
ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".
To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS?"
Captain: what's that horse for?
Soldier: our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.
Captain: ah, it is ok. One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. The captain fucked the horse. After that, he saw the soldier smiling Outside his tent.
Captain: it's so hard! How do you do it?
Soldier: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are.
Captain: son-of-a-b***h..!!!
A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'
A male student's composition:
'I love sex.'
He was feeling depressed thinking no one would love him due to his wooden eye. His friend encouraged him to hit on a nearby female who looked quite lonely.
Unknown to the two of them, the female was also feeling quite depressed due to her big nose. She thought that no man would be able to overlook such a flaw.
The man with the wooden eye decided to take his shot and approached the lone female and asked if she would like a drink.
The female was so shocked that a man with sub a great personality would talk with her.
"Would I?" "WOULD I?!?!?!" She exclaimed in excitement.
"BIG NOSE!" "BIG NOSE!" The man shot back.
But I can't see very much from my kitchen window
A man asks a woman:
*Do you know which two holes are the most important on a female body?*
**You pig! How dare you ask a lady such a question?**
*Well I'll have you know, it's the nostrils*
**Oh, I'm sorry, why is that?**
*So she can breathe while she sucks a dick.*
Sorry for a poor phrasing, English is not my first language.
When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"
The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."
The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."
The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...
"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."
He respecs women.
It's called money.
Period.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.
When i asked what's wrong, she said "NOTHING!!"
A lady went to her priest one day and told him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They only say, 'Hi, we're horny! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying.. That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution..'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... as he ushered her in,
she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're horny! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence....
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
A blonde was driving a bit too fast, and was pulled over by a female
blonde cop.
The cop asked the woman for her driving licence. The blonde driver
fumbled through her overstuffed handbag but just couldn't find her
licence. The cop said, "C'mon ma`am, it can't be that hard to find. It's rectangular and has your picture on it."
The blonde driver continued rifling through the handbag and found
the only rectangular object in it: a small mirror. She looked in it, saw herself, shrugged, and handed it the cop.
The blonde cop took one look and said, "Why didn't you tell me
you're a cop? Have a nice day."
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice. After having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise from the ringing will make the male dog lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Well, it just worked for me." he replied.
Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
(B) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
(C) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects - yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
My woman told me that she would never play with her self when she was on her period. .
But I caught her red handed !!
They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.
I was embarrassed, but she said, Don't worry, I'm a professional β I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can.
I said, I think my penis tastes funnyβ¦
Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.
Go into town and blow a couple hundred bucks.
A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
...were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now there are only two bears on this mountain," the ranger explained. "One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?" The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male bear. So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away. When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty.
The moral of the story? Never trust a Jew that says the Czech is in the male.
Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.
In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
A strapadictome
Too bad he reads it in braille.
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:
'Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jacob'
Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read:
'Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama'
The boss calls his female secretary & says:"Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."
The secretary calls husband & says:"Me & my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of urself"
The husband calls his girlfriend & says:"My wife is going on a business trip, come home we can have fun"
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition: "No tuition this weekend."
The boy calls his father:"Dad, at last we can spend this weekend together."
Dad (The boss) calls his secretary & says:"Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my son"
The secretary calls husband:"I won't be going"
The husband calls his girlfriend:"I am sorry My wife is not going "
The girlfriend calls boy:"You have tuition"
Boy calls his father & says:"Sorry Dad, I've classes"
The Dad calls his secretary.....
The theory of infinite loop.
The teacher is discussing U.S. presidents.
"Who gave the Gettysburg Address?" she asked the class.
Immediately a hand shot up belonging to a female Japanese foreign exchange student.
"Yes?" the teacher asked.
"Abraham Lincoln! 1863!" replied the girl proudly.
"That's correct," said the teacher, "Now can anyone tell me who wrote the Declaration of Independence?"
Again the Japanese girl's hand shot up. This time the teacher waited to see if anyone else knew the answer, but no one came forward. She called on the foreign exchange student again.
"Thomas Jefferson! 1776!" said the girl proudly once again.
The teacher addressed the rest of class and said "You should all be ashamed of yourselves. This little girl has been in the country for less than a month and she knows more about your history than you do."
The class grumbled and mumbled, and excuses were pouring out as well as dissatisfaction. Then from the back of the room someone shouted "To hell with the Japanese!"
The teacher now flustered and angry questioned "Who said that?"
The japanese girl couldn't contain her excitement and shouted back "Harry Truman! 1945!"
I'll have sex with their boyfriends.
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank. The midget."
...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".
He continued "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired... "How much for a season pass?"
FeMale
They finally reach the doors of the oval office and Bill asks her, "Want to go into the oval office and see the presidential clock?"
The intern, hesitating, says, "Well, Mr. President, seeing all the stuff that has been happening with you, I don't know if that is a good idea or not."
Bill tells her, "C'mon, what harm can be done. It is only a clock."
The intern finally agrees. They both walk into the oval office and Bill suddenly drops his pants.
The intern yells, "That's not the presidential clock, that's the presidential cock!"
Bill then tells her, "Baby, once you put two hands and a face on it, it becomes a presidential clock"
When he rubs it, out pops a female genie. The genie says "I am the feminist genie. While I do have to grant your wishes exactly as you ask, I sense that you are divorced. Therefore, no matter what you wish for will be also given to your ex wife in double the amount."
The man ponders his situation for a moment and says "Build me a 20 room mansion."
"Done!" says the genie "and your ex wife now has a 40 room mansion"
"Put 10 million dollars in my bank account" requests the man.
"As you wish" exclaimed the genie "and at the same time I have given your ex wife 20 million dollars"
"Awesome.", said the man. "Now listen carefully..."
"Yes?" Said the genie leaning in closer. The man smiled and whispered:
"Beat me half to death"
Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*
A woman tells her priest, Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, 'Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?'
Don't worry, says the priest. I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We'll put them in the same cageβyour parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.
The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest's home. The male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?
One male says to the other, Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
One has boooooobs.
The other gets full pay at their jobs.
A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend"
The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male
The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have sex?
> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.
They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?
"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"
"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"
So, one day the teacher asks Micheal about his secret. Micheal replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the University teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, Micheal...?".
Little Larry and Susie were in 6th grade and they were going through a sex ed/anatomy section in class. One day the teacher pulled down a diagram of the female anatomy and pointed at the breasts. Then she asked "any of you girls know what these are called?". Little Susie promptly raised her hand and when called on answered "breasts, and my mom has two of them". The teacher praised her for the correct answer. Then she pulled down a chart of the male anatomy and pointed at the penis and asked "any of you boys know what this is called?". Little Larry could hardly contain himself and blurted out "yes ma'am, that's a penis... and my dad has two of them!". The teacher scolded him for not waiting until called on to answer, and then said "Larry, you're partially correct... yes that's a penis, but your father only has ONE of them". Larry immediately said "oh no ma'am... he has TWO of them! He has a little one that he pees with and a big one he brushes mom's teeth with".
A young female tells her mother.
- "Mom I'm dating the neighbor"
- "But he could be your father"
- "Mom! Age is nothing but a number"
- "That's not what I meant"
I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.
The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, I will not laugh."
The man reluctantly agreed and dropped his trousers. Once he removed his underwear, the doctor saw his penis was the smallest she'd ever seen. Similar in width to a pencil and not much longer than the eraser on the end of one.
The doctor tried her best not to laugh, but couldn't help letting out a chuckle, which she played off as a cough.
"Okay, now what's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"It's swollen."
The doctor left the room.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Female? Well, here are the best jokes about Female to have fun with.