Female Doctor Jokes

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst s**... experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

Bad News

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces, The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost? The Doctor quickly responded, $5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more?
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used.

So a family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon, and a mortician go duck hunting....

NOTE BEFORE YOU READ: This joke is most often told amongst doctors, and you need to know a little bit about medical sub-specialties to get it.
A family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon, and a mortician go hunting.
After a while in the woods, they spot a bird flying overhead. The family practitioner starts to aim at it, but stops when he realizes that he's not sure if it's a duck. The gynecologist starts to point at it, but stops when he realizes he's not sure if it's a male duck or a female duck.
Meanwhile, the surgeon blows the bird away. He chews his lip for a second, then turns to the mortician.
He tells him, "Go see if that was a duck."

Doctors convention.

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have s**.... After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

A doctor had s**......

A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."

A mans monkey was very sick...

...so he took it to the vet.
Doctor: "Bobo will need a new brain"
Man: "How much will it cost?"
Doctor: "$5000 for a males brain, $3000 for a females"
Man: "Why the price difference?"
Doctor: "The female brain is used"

Two onions, male and female, knock into each other on the street...

...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.
They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.
Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.
Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.
Baby onion wanders out the open door unsupervised. It crosses the sidewalk and is hit by a car.
At the hospital mother and father onion pace up and down the hospital corridor, crying.
A team of surgeons try all night to save baby onion's life.
Towards dawn the doors to the hospital room open. A doctor walks out, sweating.
Father onion asks "well, what, how is baby onion?"
The surgeon says "well he'll live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

The Doctor

A doctor was feeling ashamed after having s**... with one of his female patients.
He could not get the images of his head. He was a professional, and wasn't used to this overwhelming sense of guilt and betrayal of his patient.
In desperate need of reassurance, he thought to himself as he heard a voice in his head say:
*"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last."*
It continued:
*"Now go out there and show them that you're the best veterinarian in this whole town!"*
---

How Men Think...

A nurse was giving a female coma patient a sponge bath, when she accidently brushed up on the womans private parts. Suddenly, the patients vital signs jumped up. So the nurse tried it again, and once again, the vital signs jumped up...so she called the Doctor, and showed him what had happened.
The Doctor grew excited, and called the womans husband. He explained what had happened, and said "I think it's worth trying for you to try o**... s**... with her, and that might be enough to wake her up."
So the husband agreed, and came over to the hospital, where they left him alone with his wife to get going....
a few minutes later, however, the alarms began to ring, and the Doctor found the woman to be dead.
He turned to the husband and asked him "What happened? Didn't you try o**... with her?"
"Yeah... I guess she must have choked on it."

Funniest Doctor Joke I've read in years (supposedly true):

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB-GYN,

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

A s**...-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...

He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".
The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures her, saying all the doctors are doing it but they're still working out standardized names.
Just then a patient walks up looking a little embarrassed. The specialist asks her what's wrong, and she says she's been referred to him by another doctor for a procedure. The specialist guides her to a chair and asks her for clarification.
The woman blushes and stammers "I'm not sure if I'm saying this right, but I'm here for my addadictome."
________________________________________
(If you don't get it, try reading it out loud).
*edited for clarity*

Two doctors were having s**... when suddenly...

Two doctors were having s**... when suddenly... the male doctor, in the moment, says to the female doctor,
**"Wow, you must be a Gynecologist, you *really* know how to use that thing..."**
The female doctor responds,
**"Thanks! You must be an anesthesiologist."**
The male doctor replies,
**"Really? What makes you say that?"**
She retorts,
**"Because I can't seem to feel a thing!"**
_______________________________
I hadn't heard this before, and it came from an EMT/Paramedic training my staff for CPR. I got a good chuckle out of it, thought I would share.

So this doctor walks into a bar and he orders a beer...

**Feminist:** Why isn't the doctor a woman? Does it have to be a man? You know women can be doctors too!
**Me:** Okay, this FEMALE doctor orders a beer-
**Feminist:** Why is she drinking a beer in a bar? She's obviously an intelligent woman for being a doctor, why would she subject herself to such a male environment?
**Me:** Okay, she's not in a bar, she's um, at a… baseball game, and she orders a beer from one of the stands-
**Feminist:** Why would a strong independent intelligent woman doctor be supporting a male dominated sport?!!!!!! That's so oppressive! The men will look at her so demeaningly with no respect for what she has achieved!
**Me:** … Okay fine, I just won't tell the joke then.
**Feminist:** If you seriously can't tell a joke without being sexist then you're not actually funny at all. I bet the original male doctor was White too, you racist.

A doctor had s**... with his patient

A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."

A female dwarf goes to a doctor......

........complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk..
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
"How's that?" he asks
"Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still there."
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip,snip..
Out he comes. "How's that?"
He asks again more confidently.
"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked.
"Oh nothing, I just trimmed the top of your Ugg boots"