Felt Like Jokes
95 felt like jokes and hilarious felt like puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about felt like that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Felt Like Short Jokes
Short felt like jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The felt like humour may include short felt jokes also.
- My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
- The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week. He was 86 but felt more like he was 64.
- I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year... Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
- That new Madeleine mccann documentary on Netflix was great and all... It just felt like there was something still missing...
- I wonder what it felt like for the guy who first invented the wheel. He must've known he was gonna be going places.
- I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese. And that felt like the wurst käse scenario...
- My wife is so immature My wife is so immature. I'm at home in the bath and she'd come in whenever she felt like it and sink all my boats.
- I once went to a convention about impostor syndrome... ...but I had to leave because I felt like I didn't belong
- A patient came in today saying he felt paranoid and like people were watching him. I dunno if I buy it though, he looked pretty relaxed in the bath this morning.
*classic Frankie boyle* - Why did the birthday cake go to see the Dr? It felt crumby!
(PS I like this joke because it taught me how to spell crumby)
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Felt Like One Liners
Which felt like one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with felt like? I can suggest the ones about feeling tired and feeling sick.
- When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body Then I was born
- When I was younger, I felt like I was trapped inside a womens body Then I was born
- Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
- My wife was in labor for so long... It felt like a maternity
- Why did the pirate go on vacation? He felt like he needed some argh and argh
- I visited the Pentagon yesterday. I felt like I was in the best shape of my life.
- Why was the comedian so depressed? He felt like everyone was just laughing at him.
- I didn't really like the new Black Panther... It felt like only 3/5ths of a movie.
- I felt like I was going to be programming forever... ...so I took a `break;`
- Why was the train conductor depressed? He felt like his life was just going in circles.
- I felt like my nose was bleeding. But after checking, it'snot.
- I felt like there was something i forgot when i parked my car Then it struck me
- I took a nap at 1:59AM and woke up at 3:00AM Felt like I just blinked
- I think I'm Transgender... ... It's not important, I just felt like Sharon.
- The Baby Guitar Felt Sick. He Felt Like He Was Going To Uke.
Felt Like Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about felt like you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean feeling poorly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make felt like pranks.
'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke
One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bagpiper at a f**...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Depression
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the s**... Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I felt like doing some service today, so I decided to donate some video games to the Rehabilitation Center for m**... Addicts.
They seemed particularly fond of "Need for Speed".
The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...
flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.
She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.
The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."
The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:
"...underwater".
--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest
A little girl was saying her prayers for the night.
She said the following:"God bless mommy,God bless daddy,God bless grandma and goodbye grandpa." Her father,who had been listening,said,"Why 'goodbye,grandpa'?" The girl responded that it just felt like the right thing to say.
The next day her grandfather died of a heart attack.
The best jokes also teach you something.
In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.
Justin Bieber has said, "I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me."
By a curious co-incidence, kurt cobain, contacted in a seance, said, "I felt like the Justin Bieber of my generation, so I killed myself."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 22-year-old man and a 57-year-old woman get to know each other in a bar
Even tho the big age gap, they like each other. Later the night, she whispers into his ear "Do you want to have s**... with a mother and a daughter at the same time?" Of course he agreed and when they walked home, he felt like the most luckiest person on earth. When they arrived at her place she opened the door and shouted: "Are you still awake, mom?"
A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date
The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.
The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."
The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.
They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.
In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.
The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."
A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.
To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."
Colin from "Whose Line Is It Anyway" just quit.
Apparently he felt like he was making a Mochrie of himself.
My girlfriend asked me if I felt like aural.
I think that's where it goes in one ear and out the other.
My English teacher had a sore back today.
When someone asked him why, he said, "Well, i was trimming hedges, and I finished the first one, and i felt a little pinch in my back, but i just ignored it. But after the second one, my back just gave out on me."
To which i replied: "So, like the american economy- Fine after the first bush, collapsed after the second."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last time I had s**..., it felt like the 100m Olympic final.
There were 8 black men and a gun.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've kinda felt like my headphones recently
I've got a severe lack of anything to jack inside of.
When someone botched a joke.
Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "
Class: "umm"
Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."
Friend: "what?"
Me: "poor delivery"
This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone just called me materialistic.
I felt like choking them with my Vivienne Westwood belt.
My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant and our German friend tagged along with us. I get the impression he eats a lot of calves.
There wasn't any meat on the menu, but he kept saying he felt like a third veal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I f**... on the bus today and four people turned around
I felt like I was on the voice.
Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.
A lot of you probably heard this before. I heard it for the first time and felt like sharing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was woken up at 5am by a crow...
It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the d**... thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a m**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the prolific male deer m**...?
He felt like a million bucks.
Oxygen and potassium went on a date...
...it went ok.
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
The other chemicals were like 'omg'!
Two noble gases went on a date.
There was no reaction.
Two protons went on a date.
There was no attraction.
Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.
They felt a little sour after it.
Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.
They had a basic night out.
Sodium and chlorine went on a date.
There was assault.
Potassium and water went on a date.
It was lit.
Why was the poster so upset?
Apparently his back was against the wall and he felt like he was under... a-tack...
My girlfriend and I got in a fight the other day...
After a minute, she said "This is the last straw" and left.
I panicked. I called and texted wondering where she was.
After what felt like an eternity, she comes walking in the front door with groceries. Confused, I said, "I thought you were gone forever? I thought you were done with me."
She said "No honey...I told you...we ran out of straws..."
Friends
Back in the '90s my then-wife and I used to watch the TV show Friends, and as people did we would compare ourselves to the characters in the show. I always said I was the Chandler of our group because I felt I was the sarcastic, funny one, and my then-wife would always come back with saying I was more like Ross because he was whiny. We'd laugh about it, but when she eventually left me for her girlfriend I realized I should have paid more attention to what she was saying.
Adam and Eve had been brainstorming with God for what felt like an eternity.
"Two dozen hours?" asked Adam.
"One seventh of a week?" suggested Eve.
God shook his head and sighed. "Let's just call it a day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was walking by a car filled with black kids when I heard a "click" as they locked the doors and I felt like such a bad-a**......
...until I realized it was my car...
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've never felt more like a d**... ...
Than when I found out my proctologist is also a ventriloquist.
I used my opposite hand with the kitchen sink sprayer hose
felt like someone else was doing the dishes
A guy tells his therapist that he felt like a dog lately.
She said "Come on now, off the couch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... wrote on his FB status:
"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?
Tap water
I'm so sorry for how s**... this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it.
My gym teacher was shouting at me like Power comes from the legs! I know you can do it!
It felt really bad as I was standing on a ledge on the 31st floor.
I think I might be gender fluid because today I felt like a woman.
I couldn't get the lid off a jar of jam.
Dad, why did you name me Cilantro?
Because sweetheart, it's the only way I could ever know what it felt like to love Cilantro.
Two guys lighting up a joint.
After an hour the one is high and the other feels like a seven.
Why?
>!Because the one feels numb and the other feels number.!<
There was also another guy with them who smoked way more that day. >!He felt like an eight. You could say he felt even number.!<
Emma was not like the other girls. She didn't know why all the others were crazy about Derek. She felt more intimate with Jessie and the cheerleaders than with another guys. She was reaching a moment in her life when she had to ask herself the question.
Emma gay
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was single I always felt like a pirate.
I'd start by looking for wenches with a good chest, but always ended up distracted by their b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I finally popped the question! Everything was beautiful, music was playing, we were dressed to the nines. Her whole family was there! It felt like the perfect moment - She was so surprised!
So was the f**... director.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just had my first ever prostate check. My doctor said it's called a digital r**... exam.
Felt more like it was a**...-og to me though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Trump may end up being a one-timer...
But it sure as h**... felt like 8 years.
Homeless man tells the tale
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?
Oh no, nothing like that, he said, because of Coronavirus, I was unexpectedly paroled.
My wife's friend had a baby...
She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented "Aww, what a little angle." I replied to my wife's comment "Ya, she's pretty acute."
I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya...
Man goes to Doctor
Man says to Doctor… I feel like a dog.
Doctor… How long have you felt that way?
Man… Ever since I was a puppy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't get how the Soviets were able to beat h**...
It felt like they were **Stalin**g
An angel once visited me but only described the measurements of a triangle to me.
Its felt like a sine from God
On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery.
It was like a huge weight off his chest.
It's 2021, but next year
So we suffered through 2020 already, and I know if felt like 2020 won, but next year is 2020 too!
Nike have unveiled a pair of trainers made from pineapple leather to appeal to Vegans...
They tried other fruits, but reviews said the ones made from bananas felt too much like slippers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My brother used to constantly ask me what was in the box
Like god d**...,we were at a f**... and i felt so akward
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.
Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...
We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So s**...!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up for the rest of the day. I was on cloud nine!
That evening, as we were getting into bed, I took off my new glasses and set them on my nightstand. My wife glanced over at me and said, "Oh. It's you."
My friend Jason invited me to spend a week with him and his family at their ski lodge.
I wanted to bring gifts. For him, a felt hat. For her felt mittens. For the kids, felt-tipped markers.
I like to make my presents felt.
I've been driving a lot for work recently...
And it's been lonely but the other day it felt like my wife was with me. Google maps wouldn't talk to me, I didn't know what I'd done wrong and wasn't sure how to fix it.
I felt a little bad about posting a joke about the Amish
Oh well, it's not like they'll ever read it.