Felt Jokes
149 felt jokes and hilarious felt puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about felt that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover how everyday occurrences can be made humorous through felt jokes. Learn how to make clever puns based on the words felt, feel, and felt hat. Find out how to make your friends and family laugh with jokes that leave them feeling lightheaded and nauseous.
Funniest Felt Short Jokes
Short felt jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The felt humour may include short fell jokes also.
- Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself
- As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
- My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
- I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister. Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.
- After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
- The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week. He was 86 but felt more like he was 64.
- I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year... Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
- I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out. It felt good being on the winning side for once.
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.
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Felt One Liners
Which felt one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with felt? I can suggest the ones about touch and sense.
- When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body Then I was born
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
- 7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy So Happy got out.
- I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
- When I was younger, I felt like I was trapped inside a womens body Then I was born
- Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
- How do you think Jesus felt about being crucified? I'll bet he was a little cross.
- What was the last thing Jesus felt? Cross...
- Chuck Norris caught COVID. But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
- Why did the accordionist get kicked out of the band? The keyboardist felt threatened.
- My wife was in labor for so long... It felt like a maternity
- I felt super exhausted after giving blood. It's such a draining procedure.
- I had to quit going to the chiropractor ... I felt he was always trying to manipulate me.
- Why did the pirate go on vacation? He felt like he needed some argh and argh
- I had to quit my job as a treadmill tester. I just felt i wasn't getting anywhere!
Felt Like Jokes
Here is a list of funny felt like jokes and even better felt like puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- That new Madeleine mccann documentary on Netflix was great and all... It just felt like there was something still missing...
- I wonder what it felt like for the guy who first invented the wheel. He must've known he was gonna be going places.
- I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese. And that felt like the wurst käse scenario...
- My wife is so immature My wife is so immature. I'm at home in the bath and she'd come in whenever she felt like it and sink all my boats.
- I once went to a convention about impostor syndrome... ...but I had to leave because I felt like I didn't belong
- A patient came in today saying he felt paranoid and like people were watching him. I dunno if I buy it though, he looked pretty relaxed in the bath this morning.
*classic Frankie boyle* - I visited the Pentagon yesterday. I felt like I was in the best shape of my life.
- Why did the birthday cake go to see the Dr? It felt crumby!
(PS I like this joke because it taught me how to spell crumby) - Man goes to Doctor Man says to Doctor… I feel like a dog.
Doctor… How long have you felt that way?
Man… Ever since I was a puppy. - Why was the comedian so depressed? He felt like everyone was just laughing at him.
Felt Hat Jokes
Here is a list of funny felt hat jokes and even better felt hat puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I started a new job as a miner last week. I had to quit because whenever I put my mining hat on I felt light-headed.
Entertaining Felt Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about felt you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean feat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make felt pranks.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Depression
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the s**... Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
I got an email telling me that it was vegan month...
I felt bad putting the message in spam.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why a fourth time?
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
Recently I felt Funny and came over Queasy...
At which point I was told to leave the local theatre adaption of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Confession
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jon was excited about his new rifle..
... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast...
Turns out it was her belt buckle.
I lost my thesaurus when I was little...
I couldn't find the words to describe how I felt.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor had s**......
A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
How do you make a hormone?
You pay her.
(This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.)
i was about to smoke a joint in the park
but then i saw a sign that said "keep off the grass" and felt judged.
The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...
flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.
She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.
The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."
The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:
"...underwater".
--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest
Home safety
I took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer in my entire Life!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mongolian man tells his friend a story
When I came home late last night, I found my wife with another man. I was furious, and to hold myself back, I sat down and drank from a bottle that was left on the table. Then, I sang a song to cheer myself up. When I felt a little better, I looked around, and said to myself, s**..., this isn't my house,'.
A man was trapped in a burning building...
...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman said, 'The ladder."
The man died.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad used to smoke p**... with me.
He thought that if he did it with me, it would be safer than doing it with others. That was cool; however, I wish he hadn't felt the same way about s**....
Justin Bieber has said, "I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me."
By a curious co-incidence, Kurt Cobain, contacted in a seance, said, "I felt like the Justin Bieber of my generation, so I killed myself."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Rihanna says that whips and chains excite her...
I wonder if her ancestors felt the same
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.
A dad puts his little girl to sleep...
And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".
The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.
The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.
The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!
Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.
He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says
Wife :: Why were you at work so late?
Husband :: I had a terrible day..
Wife :: What happened?
Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.
Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!
Edit : Formatting
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 22-year-old man and a 57-year-old woman get to know each other in a bar
Even tho the big age gap, they like each other. Later the night, she whispers into his ear "Do you want to have s**... with a mother and a daughter at the same time?" Of course he agreed and when they walked home, he felt like the most luckiest person on earth. When they arrived at her place she opened the door and shouted: "Are you still awake, mom?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.
To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
My friend asked me how it felt to be able to say that i was married
I said that "It has a nice ring to it"
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.
Now I feel depressed and miserable.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having s**... with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...
I hate having s**... in the bath.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last time I had s**..., it felt like the 100m Olympic final.
There were 8 black men and a gun.
When someone botched a joke.
Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "
Class: "umm"
Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."
Friend: "what?"
Me: "poor delivery"
This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.
The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so,
He felt undermined.
I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market
It was bazaar
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... gone wrong [CORNY]
-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I f**... on the bus today and four people turned around
I felt like I was on the voice.
Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.
A lot of you probably heard this before. I heard it for the first time and felt like sharing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was in college, my roommates would have s**... with anything that moved.
I never felt the need to limit myself that much.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was woken up at 5am by a crow...
It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the d**... thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a m**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the prolific male deer m**...?
He felt like a million bucks.
Oxygen and potassium went on a date...
...it went ok.
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
The other chemicals were like 'omg'!
Two noble gases went on a date.
There was no reaction.
Two protons went on a date.
There was no attraction.
Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.
They felt a little sour after it.
Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.
They had a basic night out.
Sodium and chlorine went on a date.
There was assault.
Potassium and water went on a date.
It was lit.
I had no shoes and i felt sorry for myself until i saw a man with no feet.
I took his shoes now i feel better.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one s**... student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're s**...?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"
My friend told me he felt sad because he didn't know the lyrics to "YMCA".
I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 teenage friends were outside when they saw a female streaker walking down the street.
One of them ran away as soon as he saw her, but the other one stayed and watched for a while.
They saw each other at school the next day, and the one who stayed asked his friend why he ran away. His friend said "My mom said that if I ever look at a n**... girl too long I'll turn to stone. And I already felt something getting hard."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two couples decided to swap partners for s**...
Two couples decided to swap partners for s**....
Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."
There was an accident on the highway today.
I tried to help the victims, but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that s**... is evil
The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.
I was bullied...
When I was a little kid this other kid in a wheelchair used to bully me but I couldn't do anything about it because I felt bad making fun of him. So for the rest of my life people knew me as the guy who "couldn't stand up for himself" and I think that's ironic considering it all.
A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.
Better still, he felt great about the divorce.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was walking by a car filled with black kids when I heard a "click" as they locked the doors and I felt like such a bad-a**......
...until I realized it was my car...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... wrote on his FB status:
"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?
Tap water
I'm so sorry for how s**... this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it.
There's a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.
It's really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men die and arrived in heaven
Curious as to why others are here, they struck up a conversation.
Man 1: Bro how did you die?
Man 2: Due to cold, and you?
Man 1: I doubted my girlfriend with another guy, searched the entire house but found none. I felt too guilty and committed s**....
Man 2: Lol, I was in the fridge
My mum has a photo of me in her wallet and not of my siblings
She said whenever she face an obstacle, she looks at my photo and her problem disappears.
I really felt touched until she said she tells her self: "what other problem can be bigger than this one?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a prostate exam today
Doctor felt around and said I had to quit m**.... I asked why? Doctor said so he can finish the exam.
Harry went into the chamber of secrets with his wand.
When he suddenly felt a strange itch.
This girl...
She had Hogwarts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.
So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a r**... in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?
My bank just complimented me
They called and told me my check was outstanding! I felt so proud
So I was in my room and I saw a group of ten ants just running around frantically. I felt badly for them so I made a small house for them. out of a cardboard box.
This technically makes me their landlord and they are my.....
Tenants
My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"
Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist
