felt Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious felt puns

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, You may not feel anything from the waist down.

Fair enough, I replied, and felt her breasts.

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When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat."

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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

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Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?

She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself

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Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

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A little girl is with her Dad in garden...

...and asks, "Is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?" Dad says, "No, sweetie. There are no mummy-longlegs, only daddy longlegs." Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stomps them both saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden!"

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As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.

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One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

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My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

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I was walking by a car filled with black people...

..and they locked the door when i came near, I felt like a bad ass



then i realised that it was my car

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.....

....He hypnotized 7 guys...then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME".....what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

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I told my hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way...

So I turned on the air conditioning

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I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

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I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

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As I looked into her eyes...

...across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak.
My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

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Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt a little sour after it.

Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.

They had a basic night out.

Sodium and chlorine went on a date.

There was assault.

Potassium and water went on a date.

It was lit.

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I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

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Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

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When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Thankfully, it all changed when I was born.

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How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents…

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night

He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the microphone on his foot and said 'fuck me!'

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

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Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.

You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

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I farted on the bus today and four people turned around

I felt like I was on the voice.

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Went out with a blind girl last night

A blind girl was jerking me off last night, and told me I had the biggest dick she's ever felt. I told her she was pulling my leg.

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Last time I had sex, it felt like the 100m Olympic final.

There were 8 black men and a gun.

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"You spend far too much time on that fucking computer."

Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.

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My wife left me because she felt I had a drinking problem.

After she left I lost the urge to drink.

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Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.

I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

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Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up"

*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one stupid student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're stupid?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"

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A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.

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I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market

It was bazaar

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How did Darth Vader figure out what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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What are the most funny Felt jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Felt? Well, here are the best Felt dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Felt pick up lines to share with friends.

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