Following is our collection of sir humor and fella one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Fellow puns for adults, dirty smartly jokes or clean honorable gags for kids.
There is an abundance of teammate jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes on fellow. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any clergyman witze you can hear about fellow.
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
*An Arab student emails his dad:*
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*
My dear loving son,
Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".
"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.
"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"
... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the funeral."
Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.
He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.
After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied, "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely. Rumour has it he doodles like a lady.
Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.
One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"
The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."
The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."
The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"
He then walked up into the tower of the church and hit his face against the large bell a few times.
#BONG BONG BONG
He then walked back down the stairs and said "See you later mate" and walked out. As he left a few fellow church goers said to me, "Do you know that guy?"
I replied, "I don't think so, but his face rings a bell"
and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.
The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, Hey, them's fightin' words!
A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.
A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.
Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.
The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy screams to the waiter, "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!!"
Waiter says, "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."
was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and screwed her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"
A woman takes her children to a museum of natural history. As they gaze with wonder at a skeleton of *Tyrannosaurus rex*, she asks a museum guide, a bright-eyed young fellow, "can you tell me how old it is?"
The museum guide responds, "well, ma'am, that particular skeleton is 65 million and 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days old."
"Amazing!" the mother replies. "How can you know that so well?"
"Well," replied the museum guide eagerly, "when I started working here, I asked a scientist working on it the same question. He told me it was 65 million years old. And that was 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days ago."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret.
"What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long."
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says.
"What??"
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm"
"I'm sorry, I just can't understand you."
"Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand.
"You've got to keep the worms warm."
Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."
911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."
They said "As long as you nail it."
A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.
"Look. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for somewhere to stay hidden. And I accepted, on the condition that she would repay me every day with sexual favors."
The priest says, "Don't worry, young fellow. You have sinned. You were young and lustful, and God will forgive you."
"Good," the man said. "But I have another question. Do you think I should tell her the war's over?"
We can share LifeHacks ...
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
A great cardiologist is being buried. All of his colleagues and fellow surgeons are reunited to mourn his. All except for one man who is laughing. The cardiologist's coffin was in the shape of a heart to honor his career. The man continues to laugh. Finally they ask him why he is so happy at a funeral and he responds "I was picturing my funeral because I'm a gynecologist".
An engineer was walking along one day when another engineer friend of his rides up on a brand new bicycle.
"That is an awesome bike. Where did you get it?" He asks.
"Well," his friend replied "It was the strangest thing. I was sitting on a bench in the park, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, got off the bike and then took all of her clothes off right in front of me! Then she said 'Take what you want!'"
The first engineer replied "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you!"
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, Your're in charge of sweeping, to the Irishman, You're in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, And you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, Why didn't you sweep any of it? The Italian replies, I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him.
So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him.
The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells: SUPPLIES!
Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, OK, show me.
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. A while later the first man says, I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.
The second man thinks, well, he can't have two glass eyes. He obviously can see. So he says, All right, show me.
The first man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
He drinks and drinks, barrels of beer and mead. After some time, he hits it off with a cute local girl and takes her back to Avengers Tower to show her his little Mjolnir.
He wakes in the morning, satisfied, and looks at the girl sleeping next to him. The poor thing is battered, with a busted lip and bruises all over her face and body. He gently shakes her awake and asks, "Are you okay?"
"Oh my god," she says groggily. "Hon, you were great, but a little rough.'
"Well, I *am* Thor!" says the God of Thunder.
***"YOU'RE*** Thor!" exclaims the girl, "I'm tho Thor i can barely thpeak!"
Cars were stretched out for miles ahead of him. As he was sitting there, a young fellow approached his car and knocked on the window. "What's the holdup?", the driver asked. "Well," answered the young fellow, "It seems that a terrorist group is holding the entire U.S. Congress hostage up ahead a few miles. They claim they're going to douse the whole bunch of them with gasoline and start them on fire unless they get $50 million. I'm just going car to car to try and get some donations." "I'd love to help." said the driver. "How much is everyone else giving?" "About a gallon each."
...earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings".
"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an earring", he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck".
(I always wondered how this trend got started.)
In a small town outside Moscow a very proud primary school teacher began the Monday the same was she began every monday: by asking the students what they did to help their fellow comrads in the glorious Soviet Union. She turned to Illya Ivanovich.
"Illya Ivanovich, what did you do today to help the Collective?"
Illya thought a moment and replied, "Well, Katerina Maximovna, I helped an old woman cross the street."
"Wonderful," his teacher replied, "you truly helped your country. And you, Alexander Michaelovich, what did you do this weekend to help the Collective?"
"Well, you see Katerina Maximovna, I was helping Illya to help the old lady cross the street."
"OK. Good work. You certainly helped your nation and your fellow comrads." Katerina then looked at Dimitri Fyodorovich.
"And you, Dimitri Fyodorovich. What did you do this weekend to benefit the Collective?"
Dimitri thought for a moment, and then said, "Katerina Maximovna, you see, I was also helping Alexander and Illya to help the old woman across the street."
Katerina Maximovna paused a moment, and then with a confused look she said, "OK, Dimitri Fyodorovich, it is always good to help others. But I am confused. Why did it take three strong young boys to help one old babushka across the street?"
Dimitri thought for a moment and answered, "Well, you see, she didn't want to cross."
It was lying on its back, rigor mortis locking its legs in the air. He asks his dad why the chicken has his legs in the air. Dad, who's not exactly the brightest fellow, tells him that it's so that Jesus can reach down and pull them to heaven.
Later, at the family reunion, Joe runs to his dad crying.
"What's the matter?" Asked dad, concerned.
Little Joey cries "Mum nearly died! She was on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming!' If it wasn't for uncle bruce holding her down she would've been gone forever!"
They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"
Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey! The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?
I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman! The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, By chance, did you happen to live near Dublin?
Aye Sir, born and raised there! Another round Bartender! exclaimed the first. Downing the whiskey together, the first looks at the second and says, As unlikely as it seems, by chance you didn't go to St. John's College in Dublin did you?
Jesus Mary and Joseph I did sir! Another two for my friend and me! A regular walks into the bar and sits down next to the pair. The bartender pours him his usual beer and the man asks, How's the bar doing tonight, anything new going on? The bartender replies, Nothing new pal, just the O'Malley brothers drunk again.
There once was a fellow McSweeney
Who put some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
And slipped his girlfriend a martini
Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."
The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'
The purple traitor of a crime.
When she was down to her last ten dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. "Why don't you play your age?" he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table. The next thing the fellow with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. "Did she win?" he asked. "No," replied the attendant. "She put ten dollars on 29 and 41 came in."
...and he finds a lamp. "Oh boy," thinks he, and rubs the lamp. Out pops a very angry looking genie. "I am the divorce genie! You get three wishes, but for whatever you wish, I will grant your ex-wife double!"
The fellow thinks a bit. First, he wishes for a billion dollars. Second, he wishes for an island villa. Duly, the genie grants his wishes, but informs him snarkily that his ex-wife has received double, and inquires as to his third wish.
"Genie," he intones with a smirk, "I wish that you would beat me half to death."
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.
The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"
"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.
"How'd you manage that?"
"Twelve trips."
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.