Fell Asleep Jokes
125 fell asleep jokes and hilarious fell asleep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fell asleep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Fell Asleep Short Jokes
Short fell asleep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fell asleep humour may include short fall asleep jokes also.
- I once asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he's had. But he fell asleep while counting.
- Why did the man who fell asleep in front of his PC got sick? Because the Windows were open.
- Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony... Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.
- My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she's toast.
- I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep. So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.
- I asked my Welsh friend how many partners he's had in his life... he started to count and he fell asleep.
- I knew a girl so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party... and she woke up with more clothes on.
(Stolen from Big Bang theory, I just love this joke) - The shepherd woke up one afternoon... "Oh no! I fell asleep! I hope nobody stole my sheep.
Let's see 1, 2, *Zzzzzz*" - Why was the shepherd fired? He fell asleep during inventory
Why was the sheep girl fired?
She was sleeping with the shepherd too. - Did you hear that Jesus was a bit of a drunk? One time He got so hammered that He fell asleep in a cave for three days before He woke up.
(heard in church today) :-) Happy Easter!
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Fell Asleep One Liners
Which fell asleep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fell asleep? I can suggest the ones about falls asleep and asleep.
- Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
- My hamster died... He fell asleep at the wheel.
- I fell asleep during surgery My patient unfortunately passed away
- In the morning, I woke up on the floor next to my bed. I must have fell asleep.
- Did you hear about the hamster who died? He fell asleep at the wheel
- I fell asleep in the shower last night I guess you could say I had a few wet dreams
- I fell asleep in my chem class on atomic structure. It was too bohring.
- Did you hear about the narcoleptic, necrophiliac mortician? He fell asleep in the job.
- I fell asleep listening to comedians do stand up. I woke up feeling funny.
- What happened when the farmer fell asleep while driving? He hit the hay
- I put on Shrek and fell asleep. I woke up and it was over. I ogre slept.
- I fell asleep at the wheel last night Now my pottery is ruined
- Did you hear about the world's smallest sailor? He fell asleep on his watch.
- John fell from his bed I guess you could say he fell asleep
- What would you call an ear who fell asleep while watching his son? Ear-responsible
Comedy Fell Asleep Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about fell asleep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean slept jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fell asleep pranks.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the n**....
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that n**... fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him?
Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Did you hear about the girl who fell asleep on the Synagogue steps? She woke up with a heavy dew on her.
I was m**... today and my hand fell asleep - that's got to be the ultimate rejection.
My daughter learned to count!
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
I've come to the conclusion that my s**... life s**....
I was m**... the other day, and my hand fell asleep.
Accidentally fell asleep at my grandmas f**...
Wouldn't you know, I woke up with mourningwood.
Little Birdie
A man was sunbathing at a n**... beach one sunny afternoon when a little girl walks up to the man. The man immediately covers his g**... with a newspaper to shield the girl from looking at them.
"What's under there, Sir?" the naive little girl asks.
"It's my little birdie and he's trying to sleep," the man replies.
"Ok."
The man falls asleep as the girl walks away. He wakes up in the hospital with horrible pains in the pelvic region. He then sees the little girl and asks, "What happened?"
"I went back to get something to feed your little bird and you fell asleep, so I pet the bird and it spit at me so I SNAPPED IT'S NECK, SMASHED HIS EGGS, AND BURNED HIS NEST!!!"
The Pink Gorilla
An married couple are out driving home through the country one night when their car breaks down. There was a farm house nearby, so they decided to see if they could find some help. While the husband was talking to the farmer, the wife asked if she could use the man's restroom. The farmer said "Sure thing. Up the stairs, third door on the right. But whatever you do, do NOT touch the big pink gorilla through the door at the end of the hall."
The woman agreed that she wouldn't touch the gorilla and headed up the stairs. After she had finished her business, she started towards the stairs, but her curiosity got the best of her. She quietly went through the door at the end of the hall and found herself face to face with an enormous pink gorilla in a cage, fast asleep. She figured it couldn't hurt to poke him just once, so she slowly reached into the cage and touched his shoulder. Immediately, the gorilla's eyes snapped open, he ripped the door off of his cage, and began to chase the woman. She ran down the stairs, past her husband and the farmer, and out the front door. As she ran through the field outside, she stumbled and fell, and the gorilla closed in. He loomed over her and she watched, horrified, as he reached an enormous hand towards her and said
"Tag, you're it!"
Husband & Wife Diary Entries
Wife's Diary
Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I'd been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.
Conversation over supper wasn't flowing, so I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
Tonight, when he came home from work, he skipped supper altogether, piddled in the garage for two hours, then headed straight for his recliner and sat there quietly staring at the TV. When I asked him about the fire they'd just covered on the news, he said he hadn't followed the story. It had just been on!
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but he was distant and distracted. He didn't even kiss me goodnight -- he just fell asleep. I lay there for hours wondering what was wrong. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know what to do.
Husband's Diary:
Boat still won't start. Can't figure it out.
Best toast of The night.
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
Paul O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
My Welsh Friend
I asked my welsh mate how many s**... partners he had had, but I never got to find out. Everytime he tried counting them he fell asleep.
I fell asleep on a tanning bed...
Now I'm out of my grandfather's will
What did the welshman do...
...when his girlfriend asked him how many s**... partners he'd had?
Fell Asleep
Lawyer and his wife
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
The Best Toast of the Night
Patrick O'Reilly hoisted his beer at his regular pub and offered the following toast: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!"
That won him top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and proudly told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
"Aye, did ye now," said Mary. "And what was your toast?"
Thinking quickly, Patrick said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Patrick!" said Mary.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Patrick won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
"Aye, he told me," said Mary, "and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he'd only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
My girlfriend told me she was going to rub one out then take a nap
But she fell asleep beforehand
Delivering The Best Toast
A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."
When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.
She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied.
While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.
"Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."
"Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here'sto spending the rest of me Life,
Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
Toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
Prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
Newlywed Laundry
A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
I fell asleep in the theater watching Selma and...
I HAD A DREAM!!
TIFU by falling asleep on the john at noon.
I meant Job. I fell asleep on the Job. :D :D
Sheep
A Welshman was asked how many s**... conquests he had.
He began counting them................and fell asleep.
Best toast in all of Ireland
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
Me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
Only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
The ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Every ghost story ever
I walked into my house, and fell asleep. It was then, 3 hours later, I woke up and realized... I don't have a house
My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...
So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.
Ralph once had an IQ of 18, ...
but then it fell asleep.
I asked my welsh friend how many times he'd had s**......
He started counting then fell asleep.
Did you hear about the guy who fell asleep during The Force Awakens?
Yeah, apparently the theatre was too darth
My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken
She had a cheeky nan dose
John wins best toast of the night
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A man notices a pig with a wooden leg
He calls out to the farmer and asks,"why's the pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "it's amazing that pig, once I fell in the pond and was drowning. The pig came trotting along, jumped in and pulled me out."
"Wow, that is amazing." said the man.
"and another time I fell asleep on the sofa. Dropped my cigarette and set the whole farmhouse on fire. The pig knocked down the front door, crawled through the smoke and pulled me out into the farmyard."
"That's absolutely extraordinary." exclaimed the man.
"And, a couple of months ago I had a heart attack whilst driving the tractor. The pig trotted alongside, jumped up and grabbed the wheel in his snout, steered it safely to a halt, then ran 12 miles to get me a doctor."
"That is truly amazing. Unbelievable." Said the man, "but what's with the wooden leg?"
"Ah", said the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once."
Why did the cop stink?
Because he fell asleep on duty.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many s**... partners he'd had.
He started counting but fell asleep.
I fell asleep at the Cincinnati zoo and fell into the Gorilla pit...
Harambe caught me slippin'
Last night I really did sleep like a baby
I accidentally fell asleep and 9pm and woke up 4 hours later screaming.
I was listening to the comedy station today and Bill Cosby came on.
I fell asleep shortly thereafter.
I asked my Welsh mate how many s**... partners he's had.
He started counting and fell asleep.
What did they say at the f**... of the driver who fell asleep at the wheel?
Rest in peace.
I fell asleep during s**... last night and my wife got mad.
She just doesn't like snoral s**....
I fell asleep with my glasses on
My wife yelled at me for being wasteful
I fell asleep during my surgery
My patient never made it.
I was studying at my desk and fell asleep.
A big book from the shelf above fell on me. I blame myshelf for this.
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
You're running around with other women, she charged.
You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on Earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded. Counting your ribs!
I fell asleep in a spice factory
When I woke up, I'd lost all sense of thyme
What kind of expression does a person who fell asleep by the ocean have?
Resting beach face
Camping.
An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- "Look up to the sky and tell me what you see."
Son- "I see millions of stars."
Father- "And what does that tell you?"
Son- "Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets."
Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"
I knew it was going to be a bad day after I fell asleep on the school bus this morning.
Especially since I was the one driving.
I'm officially the worst lover ever.
I was m**... and my hand fell asleep.
I'm such a terrible lover...
I was m**... and my hand fell asleep.
I fell asleep in biology class today...
The teacher woke me up and I casually told him that I was studying my inner eyelid.
A soldier on sentry duty fell asleep while standing up,
And woke to find his commanding officer standing in front of him, looking furious. With great presence of mind, the soldier said, "amen"
Apparently Stephen hawking isn't dead!!
He fell asleep, someone just had to wiggle the mouse
I took a horse tranquilizer the other day,
my wiener fell asleep.
I went to uni to study aggriculture and cummunication of sheep.
I left with a BAA. Shortly after i started a nationwide census of sheep but fell asleep halfway thru.
I fell asleep in the airplane company meeting . . . . .
. . . . . because it was Boeing
My friend said he fell asleep on the toilet last night.
That stinks.
I broke up with my boyfriend and fell asleep while he packed his stuff. I woke up to him gone and he took my toilet also.
Police were called, they saw the hole in the bathroom and are looking into it. Meanwhile, they have nothing to go on.
A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.
The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!