feet Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious feet puns

The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.

Maybe that's why everyone is so scared of clowns.

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A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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What's 50 feet long and has 7 teeth?

The front row of a Neo nazi rally.

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If the bigger your feet, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick,

it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.

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A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

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What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

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How long are math snakes?

3.14 feet. Well, at least the Ο€thon is



(I'm so sorry)

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Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

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My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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I was in the living room with my dad

I was in the living room with my dad when his feet got cold. He told me, "Get my slippers from upstairs". When I went up, I see two of my sister's friends and said, "My dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"You're lying."

"I'll prove it." I said, and shouted, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"What's the point of fucking one?"

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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

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Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said is it massive
Kevin replies huge
Then the bloke says how many feet
Kevin says none its a snake you twat

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An Arab boy is speaking with his father.

Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?

To keep the harsh sun off our scalp He answers.

What about these long robes father?

To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand. Father says patiently.

And our sandals?

To shield our feet from the searing rocks of course.

Then why the fuck do we live in England, father?

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My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

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I took a girl home from the club last night

as we got inside the house i said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we"

I locked the door and said, "No, i'm going to cut off your feet."

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Incorrect usage of the word 'Fuckin'

Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick - How you doing?

Bob - Fine. Hey will you do me a favor... go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are fuckin freezin.

Mick goes up and sees Bob's hot 21 year old twin sisters lying on the bed.

He tells 'em - Your brother sent me up to have sex with both of you.

They say "Prove it."

Mick shouts "Bob... both of them?"

Bob shouts back "Of course!! Whats the point of fuckin one?"

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I was tickling my brothers feet last night...

...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they.... lactose.....

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What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops

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Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?

Because he got cold feet.

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I slipped on some black ice yesterday.

At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

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My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

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Met a beautiful girl today..

I was walking in the park when i bumped into this beautiful girl. Straight away sparks flew, she fell at my feet and ended up having sex right there and then.

God, i love my new Taser.

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I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!

Gosh I love my new taser

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Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long.

I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

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Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...

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What lies dead on its back one hundred feet in the air?

A centipede.

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If having a big car means you have a small dick and having big feet means you have a big dick

Then its no wonder people are afraid of clowns

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[NSFW] Can I...?

Here's an old Roy Chubby Brown joke.

I was in my changing room the other day and a female staff member came in and was tidying up. I looked at her for a while and then plucked up the courage to ask, "Excuse me, love. Can I smell your pussy?"

Shocked, she slapped me and shouted, "You most certainly cannot!".

"Oh," I responded, "It must be your feet, then."

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A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...

But I can only walk so fast.

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What are the most funny Feet jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Feet? Well, here are the best Feet dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Feet pick up lines to share with friends.

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