The Best 69 Feet Jokes

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Why are lawyers always buried 15 feet deep?

Because deep down they're good people.

An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?

By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.

Why does an elephant have four feet?

Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops

A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

Met a girl in the park...

Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, she fell at my feet.

These taser guns are well worth the money.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they.... lactose.....

Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...

Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet

but most have just four.

A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...

But I can only walk so fast.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.

"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"

I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."

He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?

Because he got cold feet.

I slipped on some black ice yesterday.

At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

I was tickling my brothers feet last night...

...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

How long are math snakes?

3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is

(I'm so sorry)

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet

Because I lost my car in poker last night.

Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long.

I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's only when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

My mom went mental at me for tickling my little brother's feet today -

something about waiting until he's born?...

Why do they bury politicians under 6 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're good people.

My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 feet long ?

A πthon

I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!

Gosh I love my new taser

My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

My girlfriend and I are trying the whole "long distance relationship thing"

Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"

What do you call an Italian who has a thing for feet?

A fetishini

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?

You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."

An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing

So he decided to test his suspicions. He stood about 20 feet behind her and asked, Can you hear me, my love? But she didn't respond.

So he got about 10 feet away from her and asked her again, Can you hear me, sweetie?

When she didn't say anything, he got up to 5 feet from her and asked her again, Dear, can you hear me?

She still didn't say anything so finally he crept up right behind her and said in her ear, Do you hear me?!

His wife irritably turns to him and says, For the fourth time now, yes! I can hear you!

Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious.

Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet. He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.

He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Why's a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?

Everybody's 6 feet away

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now, flush the urinal and go outside and tee off.

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."

Why did the emu lose all his friends when he grew a few feet taller?

Because he was ostrich sized.

Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose

Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

What has 80 feet, 137 teeth and $72 in cash?

The front row of a Trump rally

Two strings walk into a bar, bartender says Hey we don't server your kind here, get out. Outside one of the strings says I have an idea, here help me

the string proceeds to tie himself up and then dishevels the threads at the top of his head and at his feet. The string then walks back into the bar and orders a drink, bartender looks and says hey aren't you that string I just threw out?

String says No , I am a frayed knot!

I just watched my friend sweep a woman off her feet.

He's a really aggressive janitor.

Why are socks a bad Christmas present for Daddy Bear?

Because he will always have bare feet.

Some people say the Sasquatch has big feet.

Yeti never complains.

After hearing me sing, my music teacher told me that I should be Tenor.

Tenor twelve feet away from her at all times.

How do you lift an elephant with one hand?

You can't, elephants only have feet

A guy and a girl are set up on a blind date…

… despite some apprehension they both hit it off and agree to a second date.

Date two comes and there's even more fireworks, ending with a kiss goodnight.

Finally, a third date comes and at the end she invites him inside to spend the night.

As they're fooling around, she says If we're going to go to bed together, theres probably something you should know. When I was a little girl I was in an accident and I lost both my feet, so both my feet are prosthetic .

Slightly taken aback, the guy says I'm really sorry, I like you a lot. But if that's the case we can't be together .

Obviously very upset, she asks Why?! Are you a bigot or something?!

No he replies I'm lack-toes intolerant .

Proud Dad Moment

My daughter has two in-grown toe-nails, one on each foot. I was preparing some nice warm soaking water for her while my wife asked our daughter how her feet were doing and the conversation went like this:

Mom: How's your toe doing, you have two toes right?

Me/Daughter (at the exact same time): I have ten toes!

My wife gave the necessary groan and laughed, but my daughter and I shared a truly special moment.
I was most proud.