feelings Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious feelings puns

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

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5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

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As a Canadian..

Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...


...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

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The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

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I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

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The debates flipped gender roles.

Last night we saw an argument between a woman who wanted to talk facts, and a man who only wanted to talk about his feelings.

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My doctor apologized for the botched circumcision that left me impotent.

I told him no hard feelings.

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Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

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I'm have mixed feelings about abortion.

On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.

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You know what hurts my feelings?

Nerve damage

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Pixar movies over the years

What if toys had feelings?

What if bugs had feelings?

What if monsters had feelings?

What if fish had feelings?

What if superheroes had feelings?

What if cars had feelings?

What if rats had feelings?

What if robots hadd feelings?

What if boy scouts had feelings?

What if gingers had feelings?

What if feelings had feelings?

What if dinosaurs had feelings?

What if Mexicans had feelings?

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Men have feelings too.

For example, sometimes we feel hungry.

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My girlfriend...

... invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have sex" , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car

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A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

---

*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

---

The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

---

*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*

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Halloween in Jamaica

It's Halloween in Jamaica and some friends are organising a costume party. Everyone's told that the theme of the party is Moods and Feelings.

One the night itself, there's a knock on the door and when the host opens it, standing on the porch are two guys, completely naked, except for the fact that one guy has his cock buried inside a pear and the other is balls deep in a bowl of custard.

The host looks at them before asking, "Guys, what the fuck have you come dressed as??"

One of the guys smiles and says "Mon, I've come in Despair and he's fucking Disgusted"

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So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."

"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

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Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

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My doctor said he couldn't prescribe me with Viagra.

No hard feelings.

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A Wife goes to her husband for help

She asks him what she needs to do to inform her very sensitive niece that she is getting fat without hurting her feelings. So the husband says we should go to the store and get a talking scale so that it can inform her on how big she is getting without out it coming from her. So they go to the store and find the perfect one and takes it home to try it out, first the wife gets on the scale says "129, 129". Then the husband gets on and its says 239, 239. They agree that its perfect so they take it to her niece and tells her to try it out, she is apprehensive but agrees, once she gets on the scale says "One at a time, One at a time"

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One of the best feelings in the world is to wake up with someone cuddling with you...

Unless you're in prison.

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So it turns out I'm incapable of describing my feelings.

Can't say I'm surprised...

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What did the man say to his wife when he failed to get an erection?

No hard feelings.

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5 pieces of advice for men to live a happy life.

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

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My girlfriend suspects I still have feelings for my ex.

Just don't tell my wife.

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Paddy and Danny got in the car

for the journey home and said their goodbyes to their friend Mick.
"Thanks for putting us up for the weekend," said Paddy. "The food was great, the booze was great, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife!"
On the way home, Danny turned to Paddy and said: "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying screwing his wife?"
"No," said Paddy, "I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to hurt Mick's feelings."

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What did the dog say to the vet that just castrated him?

No hard feelings.

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Proper old couple

A very proper old British couple had been seeing each other for some time and decided to get married. They began discussing the terms of their marriage, their home, their life together. It was the gentleman who first brought up the topic of sex.

"Well my dear, it seems to me we should broach the subject of our physical relationship. What are your feelings about sex?"

She looked somewhat embarrassed. "Well, I must confess that I should like it infrequently."

He looked at her very closely. "Was that one word, or two?"

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A masochist and a sadist once married..

They did not know what the other person was and like every happy married life, they did not talk about each other's feelings. The sadist hit the masochist in bed every night and the masochist cried out in happiness that his wife could cater to his needs without him asking for it. The marriage worked. Years passed, and one day the man was in his death bed. The wife asked him, "what is your last wish honey?" The man replied, "I want a line up of men to come hit me till I die." The woman agreed and the next day asked asked the man to come out to see the line up she had got for him to punch him. Frail and almost dead, he stepped out to see the punch line, and there was none.

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Revenge

Danny discovers his wife is cheating with another guy, so he goes to the guy's wife and tells her about it.

"I know what we will do," she says. "Let's take revenge on them."

So they go to a motel and take revenge.

After 10 mins, she says, "Let's take more revenge," and they take revenge again.

So like this, they kept taking more & more revenge...

After 5 times, Danny was lying spent, and she said, "Lets take revenge again." Danny said,"I cant... I have no more hard feelings left !!!!"

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I hate people with erectile dysfunction

no hard feelings

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Many people who appear to be cool ,often struggle with feelings of inadequecy . But not me.

I have those feelings without being cool.

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One word difference

One word can change your day, your feelings, and life.
Example:
"This is your captain speaking"
"This isn't your captain speaking"

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My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

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What are mixed feelings?

Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

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I was weirdly calm when the doctor refused to prescribe me Viagra.

No hard feelings.

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What are the most funny Feelings jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Feelings? Well, here are the best Feelings dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Feelings pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes